And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy #351-359, The Smartas and the Assman

It's time again to check the unfiltered, germ-infested waters of the dating pool and thereby affirm my reasons for celibacy. Here are said reasons, #s 351 through 359. Please enjoy. Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.
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REASON #351: what does a guy got to do to get a gril  
Depends what kind of gril you want, babe. If you’re looking for the kind with a motorized rotisserie, for thoroughly heating meaty breasts and thighs, try Home Depot. But if you want a standard cheap and easy, warm-‘er-up-and-plop-it-into-a-bun model, Walmart’s a sure thing.


REASON #352: Do you think my tractors sexy
Judging from the fact that I can’t see it at all, and I don’t have a microscope handy, I’m going to go with a solid “no.”

REASON #353: Im a smartas...
Smart as what, buddy?

REASON #354: Hi their
High!

REASON #355: If you are out there? I am here…
Sorry, honey. I am here, and you're way out there.

REASON #356: Let there be cake!!!!!!
Now we’re talking!

REASON #357: headlines dont work.????
Such clever ones too.???? 

Alas, a man with a good sense of humor:
REASON #358: Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!! 
Note: He appears easy on the eyes, and he’s younger than me (that would be a refreshing change), but he wants kids AND nothing serious. Talk about an (oxy) moron.  

REASON #359: Don't half ass two things...whole ass one thing    
Write more later
I think you just half assed one thing, assman.

53 comments:

  1. Sigh.
    Groan.
    Wince.
    My rejection of these stellar candidates is definitely not half-arsed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's two whole arse rejections between us smartases.

      Delete
  2. "L"s are important. In my long-ago dating years, it was embarrassing to get all dressed up only to go out with a grill. People would point and say, "He can't spel."

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  3. Sad. And they at least had brains enough to turn on their computers, but it all went downhill after that...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kinda makes you wonder how they figured out how to locate the Power button. Right, Alex?

      Delete
  4. Well the cake guy has promise. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but he's probably pointing at a fruitcake.

      Delete
  5. OK, I was pulling for parachute man, until the kids and nothing serious thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, JKIR. But I don't wanna man who can't figure out how to pull on a cord. That doesn't bode well for his capacity for other things.

      Delete
  6. It makes me sad for dudes. The desperation. I mean, "Do you think my tractors sexy"? What does that mean? "Pardon me, sir, I have a fetish for machinery and I couldn't help but notice you have a large tractor. Do you own or lease and do you actually put it to use or is it decoration? Oh my god, can I check its oil?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Mighty fine girth on those wheels, dude. Can I turn it on now?"

      Delete
  7. Parachute man started off good, then went into idiot land like the rest of them. And the tractor dude has multiple tractors?

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  8. Good grief, is that really wants out there. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The parachute that was used once but never opened... what kind of landing did he have? Will these posts stop when you find someone offering chocolate, lots of chocolate (maybe a cocoa baron)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There was a guy who's headline read "Free Chocolates!" Sage. I responded, "Did someone say chocolate?" He asked what I liked, and I said any kind, then he stopped corresponding. I'm beginning to think he's guilty of false advertising.

      Delete
    2. He's just afraid he won't have any chocolate left at the end of the first date!

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. Until I see a huge tractor, nothing else, Deb. Nothing else.

      Delete
  11. I want to know more about the cake guy. Fingers crossed for chocolate cake! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wanna know if I can have the cake without having to see the guy.

      Delete
  12. I'm hoping I can be faster than Annalisa in sneaking cake. Otherwise, those are a lot of decent reasons to remain celibate. Oh my.

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    Replies
    1. The cake was the only potentially valuable thing in this series, Joanne. Thus, I'm skeptical.

      Delete
  13. The parachute guy is intriguing, but not necessarily in a good way. Used once but never opened? That sounds pretty kinky, as does having babies without getting serious. How about asking him if he has a womb?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, used once, never opened (his womb, that is). It's a strange world, GB.

      Delete
  14. Oh. My. Gosh. I don't know whether to laugh or cringe.
    I hope I never have to face the dating scene again. >.<

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow! If I were young and single I would probably just buy an inflatable friend. At least she wouldn't say anything stupid. Even though I have a nice tractor I wouldn't need it to entice her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Where can I get the best deal on one of those inflatables, Jono, and does it come with a life sized tractor?

      Delete
  16. "Whole ass one thing..." This guy should be a motivational speaker at my job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Laughter.* He's a real clASS act. Right, CW?

      Delete
  17. Oh my. What a sad lot. Love your reply to #354.
    I finished reading your book. Sending you a big virtual hug for all you've been through. It must have been hard to write your story. You are a brave person to be so candid. You wrote it well combining humor and heartbreak.

    ReplyDelete
  18. hahahaha...This makes for great comedy material!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's always an easy post, too. I find the material immediately, and there's no lack of it.
      Thanks, Martha.

      Delete
  19. Grils are so sexy... lol Sometimes I wonder if these "candidates" have a clue as to just how bad they sound. They should really read whatever they write aloud, over and over until they hear themselves and how pathetic they sound. -On second thought, they probably wouldn't get it. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right. They're humored by themselves, Yvonne. Someone has to be (I suppose).

      Delete
  20. Replies
    1. Nah, I don't think I'll give them one or two half-ass chances, Stephen.

      Delete
  21. Oh, God! I am dying at your reply to the gril. Yep, you gotta go to the Home Depot and avoid Walmart if you are looking for the classy grils.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess it depends how much money you're ready to put out, Theresa. Smiles.

      Delete
  22. I'm laughing at you and Theresa. But the cake guy could have potential, especially if he's a professional baker. I'm just saying... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Theresa's comments make me laugh too. She's a witty lady.

      If he can heat things up in the kitchen, I'll give him a try.

      Delete
  23. Cake Guy didn't tell enough. Let there be cake, yes, but let it be velvet black, luscious, moist chocoloate-on-chocolate and let it NOT be dry white desert-parched choke cake. Where does he stand?

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    Replies
    1. And, Margaret, let said cake be not only good cake, but cake for me alone. Not to be shared in Cake Guy's presence. Unless he's hot.

      Delete
  24. The Parachute Guy sounded very promising for a while. Shame it didn't work out :P

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    Replies
    1. I know, Michael. So close and yet such a ruthless fall.

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  25. 356!! He wins!! I think you should pick him. Cake is always a winner. Assuming he has a good recipe. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thing is, Baby Sister, this could be highly misleading. As Margaret points out, he doesn't specify the type of cake. Nor does he specify who shall eat said cake. I think I'll continue my search for the chocolate chip cookie (or what was it that you highly recommend?) Oreo.

      Delete
  26. From my own personal experiences and after reading this, I'm going to hug Ray extra tight tonight!!

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