Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Not Again! IWSG and Martha Stewart


First Wed of Every Month

Actual Martha Stewart quotes       Martha      //  Robyn (plain bold)
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So sorry, dear readers, but I can't keep Martha from invading my studio--especially not when she knows she'll have an audience during Alex's monthly IWSG. Martha saunters to center-stage, grabs her crotch, and launches into a series of pelvic thrusts. Damnit lady! What does it take to get rid of you? Martha stops mid-thrust. Huh? Suddenly enraged, she shouts: I want you to know that I am innocent - and that I will fight to clear my name! Since you're here for the fight, Martie, tell me, how much did you pay for this creative book cover? Robyn holds up one of Martha Stewart's many boring, horribly designed, and difficult to understand cookbooks with recipes that - if followed - may likely land you in the Emergency Room.
Product DetailsMartha pulls a flask of Jack Daniels out of her Martha Stewart bag and takes a swig. Oh yeah, well I was married for 30 years. Isn't that enough? I've had my share of dirty underwear on the floor. I ain't touching that, lady. I just wanna say that I just published a book, and it looks a lot better than yours. Peggy Sue could do better. And I had to confront my insecurities head on, you know, and I don't mean anything sexual by that because there's very little sex and a lot of impotence in my book, because it's non-fiction and -- I can't hear you, Martha interrupts, with her index fingers in her ears. You're wasting my time. I mean, I catnap now and then, but I think while I nap, so it's not a waste of time. All I'm trying to say --Robyn turns to the audience, as Martha crashes face-first onto the cold stage floor -- is that we're all human. Well, almost all of us. And humans have insecurities. So let's admit it and be secure about the fact that we're insecure. Because people who pretend to be totally secure aren't worthy of our time and attention. I mean, look at this cookbook cover! 
   It took me years to write my book because that's how long it took to work through my vulnerabilities to a point wherein I could write about them in a way that works for you, dear reader - with authenticity and no shame (or shame but no whining). 
   While it's mostly a funny and ultimately uplifting story, it's sad too. I reveal a lot of hurts and intimacies--things I'd never before shared with anyone.
  But this post isn't intended to be an in-your-face sales pitch. I'm writing this to say that insecurities are part of being human. And the two words that have kept me going as a writer are what I'll say to you. All that it takes to publish a book, or to accomplish any project you set out to accomplish, in spite of your insecurities, is this: KEEP GOING.
  That's all. Thank you for stopping by, dear sillies. Robyn walks over Martha as she exits the studio and shouts at stagehand Macaulay Culkin to sweep up the trash on the studio floor.

50 comments:

  1. Well, by golly, I'm sold! How could I not be after witnessing this heartwarming event onstage. My order's in the mail. You are remarkable!

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    1. p.s.: I have just posted (online, at "Trainride Of The Enigmas") a history of Mother Nature, which was hard and took the tuck right out of me, but I felt renewed by the the fun of your post.

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    2. It's a rich post on your part, Geo. I appreciate it and your words.

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  2. This reader loves your insecurities. So very much. And applauds your writing.
    This reader NEEDS writers, so please, put your insecurities on the back-burner and do what you were born to do.
    Except Martha. I would like to see all of her on the burner. Turned up high. There are still some stains from the images of her which found their way into my brain.

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    1. I hear ya, EC. How can we miss her if she won't go away?

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  3. I wonder what Carl Jung would say about your obsession with Martha Stewart? :) Congratulations on the book--it sounds intriguing.

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    1. It's rumored (effective now) that Carl Jung and Martha had a thing at Woodstock.

      Thank you, Sage.

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  4. That is a really boring cover.
    You poured your heart and soul into your book and it shows, Robyn!

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    1. Aw, thank you, Alex. I kinda did, didn't I?
      Hard to believe someone with that much money to burn would produce the most boring book cover possible.

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  5. Congrats on your achievement, and best wishes!

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  6. It's a good thing!! Lol. I am very open to my readers. I'm not shy about my past and what makes me ME. I want others to say..."hey, I do that too:. Can't wait to read your book. I've got 3 going at the same time right now. One for bedtime, one for by the neighbors pool and one on my phone for when we'e in the car. Crazy huh? Yup..that's me!!

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    1. It's crazy awesome, like you, Barb. I agree; there's no need for shyness. And it's a noble goal to inspire people to say "me too."

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  7. Thank God I don't have to deal with dirty underwear on the floor.

    Your cover blows hers away.

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    1. I've never had to either - dirty socks, yes. Dirty undies, no.

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  8. that is a pretty crappy cover. And yep, sure have to keep on a trucking no matter what.

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  9. That Martha keeps turning up like a bad penny! Your book cover beats hers hands down! :D

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    1. Yeah. Then again, Peggy Sue could beat her book cover - in her sleep. Smiles.

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  10. At least Martha has enough money to afford good booze. I think she is better at arranging food than actually cooking it. Doesn't she have "people" that take care of that (and the dirty underwear)?

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    1. Oh yeah, she has a team of servants. Martha wouldn't get her hands dirty touching anything. That's why she's sexually repressed. I can tell. (It takes one to know one.)

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  11. I was about to suggest you pick on someone other than poor Martha, but I don't want your attention turned on me. Ha!

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    1. But Martha's so much fun to mock, and she's not at all poor.
      Now to go see what dirt I can find on you, Stephen...

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  12. ROFL xD

    IWSG #119 until Alex culls the list again.

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  13. You go girl! Tell her how it is. Maybe you've scared her away permanently!

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  14. no doubt Martha is jealous and is firing her publishing team as I write this. Your insecurities, etc led to a great book. It took time and anguish, but I hope you've enjoyed (not the right word) the ride. Have a great rest of the week.

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    1. For the most part, I have enjoyed the ride. What I didn't enjoy was healing and/or meaningful and/or worth the stress.

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  15. Ah the joys of a book release. Down with Martha, up with Robyn!

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    1. I like the slogan, and you have my vote, Crystal.
      Smiles.

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  16. The cover reflects the inside- in Martha's case, dry and misleading.

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    1. Plus, both Martha and the book would make for a good paperweight.

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  17. I just knew that this woman couldn't stay away from your blog forever. Says good Martha :)

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    1. I know, right? You are the only Martha I want around here.

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  18. You mean you don't like her book cover? It's such a pretty shade of blah, I mean blue. Sadly, I can relate to the underwear on the floor :(

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    1. I'm sorry about the underwear. That's yucky, though I'm sure your man is worth it.

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  19. Fuck Martha. Go Robyn! You did it! Yes, its very hard to write and even harder to get it out there but there's no turning back now! haha

    ps ive just ordered it. Looking forward to it! Super proud!

    xo

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  20. Replies
    1. She's like the villain in a horror flick; she keeps coming back.

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  21. Martha book cover 0. Robyn book cover 10! Hard to believe she would approves of such an unoriginal, boring cover like that! Guess she's slacking in her old age.

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    1. She thinks it doesn't matter. So long as it has her name on it, it will sell. Sadly, this is true. But this book did not sell well and received some criticism.

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  22. https://kairoswarriors.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/giphy.gif

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    1. I love it, Michael. Thanks.
      John Travolta stood up a lot quicker than Brad Pitt. That's the best part of this, some how.

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  23. that is a really boring cover. the cover reflects the inside i reckon...

    big hugs my dearest!
    xoxo

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  24. Oops and I still have no idea who Martha Stewart is. Judging by her cover, as in that book cover, not having any idea who she is, seems to be a very good thing! :)

    I'm outta' here, Robyn.

    Gary

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