And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Rebooting, Computer and Sexual Woes, Woman on the Verge of Paradise

Happy June, Dear Sillies.

I'm not quite ready for June. Are you? I guess we didn't get a vote.

Anyway, lately, this passage from my to-be-released-this-summer book, Woman on the Verge of Paradise, has been running through my head. My computers (new laptop and old desktop) have gone to war against me, and they're winning. So please excuse my limited presence in blogland over the next few weeks.

In the meantime, here's a bit from one of my final chapters, Rebooting. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you CAN'T relate.
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Computer problems induce in me feelings of utter incompetence and stupidity. I also tend to liken these glitches with my existence, if only for the sake of silliness. For example:

  • Problems with the hard drive mean I’ll never find a man who can have an erection.
  • Software issues = same as above.
  • Problems with memory = Alzheimer’s inevitability.
  •  Viruses= I’ll get STDs without having had sex. 
  • Browser snafus = Vision problems. I’ll go blind. Too much masturbation.
  • Rebooting issues = Full-proof strategies that work for everyone else in the world won’t help me, because I’m incredibly incompetent and unlucky in every way. I’ll never connect with anything or anyone worthy for any length of time before losing everything and everyone worthy of any of my time. To make matters worse, I can’t even successfully give-up and shut-down.
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Be well.

Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.

42 comments:

  1. What does a woman do when the hard drive isn't hard and has no drive? Get a laptop device that can run for hours on a battery. Doesn't June begin in April in sunny California?

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  2. Not sure which is worse - browser snafus or hard drive issues. I'll go with the latter.

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  3. Getting a virus without the sex is just wrong.

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    Replies
    1. You're telling me, Diane. And my gynecologist is baffled too.

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  4. A virus without the fun? Geez, do they make full body condoms?

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  5. Just be careful. Those really old computers only come with a 5 inch floppy drive, and last I checked, that wasn't good for anybody.

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    1. Oh yeah, I know the floppy drive too well. Can't do a damn thing with those. Wait, did you say 5 inches?

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  6. Did you update your page? It looks different to me. Maybe it's the virus. I'm sick. Not STD sick, sinus sick.

    Anyway, I hope you get your computer problems straightened out soon.

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    1. Yes. Thank you for noticing, Robin.
      Feel better.

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  7. You'll be missed as you get your computer back up and running. I am sure your problems are karma related to Martha Stewart (or sabotage by the MS)!

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  8. Mercury is still retrograde for another 2 weeks so this doesn't surprise me. And I deleted a crucial folder full of photos off my external hard drive and I think they are gone for good. I could die. Good luck with your issues! I hope you get them sorted.

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    Replies
    1. So sorry, JoJo. It's horrid to loose precious photos. =(

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    1. There needs to be, JKIR, though I imagine it wouldn't take too well to any software.

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  10. As I get older I'm finding out those hard drives ain't what they claim to be! More like floppy disks in the dating world of 50+! Lol. My laptop which has served me well for a long time, is now starting to act like it needs viagra to start up each morning. I feel your pain!

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    1. Girlfriend, we need to have drinks and chat. I'm thrilled when a man over 50 can have a hard drive. You know?

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  11. Don't fret. I am sure there hard drives the size of Florida wanting to please you.

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  12. Sigh. Sometimes life is a plot. And I am not certain I like the genre mine has chosen.
    Good luck.

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  13. not sure if there is an over the counter cream for the virus. I don't even think chocolate can solve this. But good luck, and we eagerly await your book. Thanks for the sneak peak.

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  14. Oh software issues would be horrible especially if it gets a virus because then one wasn't even satisfied.

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  15. Beware that masturbation. If Allah is the real God, we.. er, you- might end up with pregnant hands...

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    Replies
    1. Then there'd be a bunch of little middle fingers flying around, huh? I suppose that's not a good thing.

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  16. You should get yourself a solid state drive. Nice and fast.

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    Replies
    1. What state sells those, Fredrulous? Can I find one in CA?

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  17. We are being marched over a cliff onto some new device. There will be ructions, I tell you, ructions! After which, we'll buy new devices of planned obsolescence. We are the last generation that remembers a simpler life --a life in which we understood our possessions. I don't even understand my telephone any more. Help!

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    Replies
    1. Geo, I still have a flip phone, and I get messed up trying to send a text. I HATE IT ALL!!

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  18. Well, there's one bright spot: I'm pretty sure it's difficult to get an STD without having sex.

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  19. I'm just glad we went away from floppies, though.
    It was too depressing.

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    Replies
    1. I tell ya, Al, floppies are still around. Believe me.

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  20. Sorry to hear you are having computer woes. I hope they get sorted out soon. I like your new design here. Nice!

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  21. Sounds like it's a fun book. Looking forward to the release. By the way - how do you get an STD without sex?

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    1. I don't know, Rhonda. Door knob? Toilet seat? Those things tend to happen to me, so I'm a bit scared.

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  22. Totally off topic but I just wanted to let you know I love that picture in the upper left corner of your blog. Is it new? Don't recall seeing it before....

    Hope all is well with you my friend!

    Elsie

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    1. Thank you, my friend. Yes, I got the photos taken with the others you were privy too. =)

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  23. Thanks for the tantalizing preview. Hopefully, your "problems with the hard drive," are only a STD (Short Term Disability).

    Julie

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  24. Hahahaha. I approve of your comparisons! Very appropriate. I hope you don't have to experience them for too long or ever.

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