Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Donald Trump visits Life by Chocolate: IWSG

Welcome to 2015's initial gathering of the IWSG. On the first Wednesday of each month, writers throughout blogland share writerly insecurities and offer support. We have beloved Alex J. Cavanaugh to thank for this fantastic group.
First Wed of Every Month

I like to shake things up on IWSG days by mocking celebrities, especially rich and stupid ones. When I can make you laugh in the process, all the better. 

We're supposed to introduce ourselves today too. But I've spent hours on this post because the formatting keeps getting messed up and my computer skills suck and I have to get up super early and it's getting super late... Plus you already know me, and I'm sorry for that. So we'll skip to today's guest. He's a scammer and a swindler who's bounced between bankruptcy and extreme wealth, and his hair is fascinating in the worst of ways. He's best known for saying "You're fired." This man's a hair-brained, racist, anti-Semitic idiot. Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a nice, warm welcome to Mr. Donald Trump!

Bold black = Robyn / Green = Trump / Green background = actual Trump quotes

Three young WASP blonde apprentices cheer, as Donald Trump enters the stage. He sits in a high-powered red leather executive chair, while Robyn plops onto a Hello Kitty Bean Bag and munches a $100,000 bar.
Thanks for visiting our studio, even though I couldn't afford you. 
Well, nobody could afford me. I'm worth billions and billions of dollars. I'm very, very, very rich. I'm a multi, multi billionaire.
Yeah, so is it real? Of course it is. He clenches his crotch.All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected.


No, not THAT. Your hair! Is your hair real?


 I founded Trump University--and created the Trump Top 10 List for Amazon.com--to teach entrepreneurs the Trump Way to succeed. No one ever became a champion by training like a bum. If you want to be the best, you have to train like the best. You have to make yourself unstoppable. If you aren't relentless, you'll quickly be less--or even nothing. 
So are you going to run for President? Because I don't want to start a political discussion on this stage, but you do unify all parties by giving us someone to laugh at.
His hairs dance wildly in all directions.
Whoa! That can't be real. Right? Look lady, I don't know what you're talking about, but Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken. The point is you can't be too greedy. A certificate of live birth is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination as a birth certificate. 
I think we've heard enough.
Both irritated, Trump and Robyn look at each other and say, simultaneously, "You're fired!" Trump's hair flies off his head and towards the back of the stage. He scurries to retrieve it. Robyn waves at the camera and we cut to a commercial about Rogaine.

49 comments:

  1. How I wish that someone would trump the arrogant oxygen thief. And I can't think of anyone I would rather see do it.
    Another brilliant take. Megathanks.

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    1. PS: Another quote of his 'Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich'. Not rich enough sunshine. Nowhere near rich enough...

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    2. He's so much worse than idiotic, isn't he? Nothing beautiful about that jackass. He filed for bankruptcy a number of times. And who's he calling sunshine? [I gave him a fraudulent check for this interview, and he accepted it. That's how stupid he is.]

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  2. Guess you kept those fans blowing at full speed at your studio, Robyn. Nice trick! You'd think with all of his "billions and billions," he'd hire a better hairdresser. He must like all the publicity his bad combover gets. Glad you stood up to him on your Hello Kitty Bean Bag! Hope your computer issues are resolved.

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    1. Good point, Julie, but he seems proud of his hair. I guess money and braincells don't always coincide.

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  3. I'd call him a dickhead but that would be an insult to penises (or would that be penii?) everywhere.

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  4. Someone catch his hair - it would be worth a fortune on eBay.

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  5. He's such a gasbag isn't he??? And that hair. WTF?

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  6. This reminds me of John Mulaney's joke about Trump: "Donald Trump is what a Hobo imagines what a rich man to be. 'Oh boy oh boy, as soon as my numbers come in, I am going to put tall buildings with my name on em. I'll have fine, golden hair, and a tv show where I fire people with my children.'"

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  7. But were those women flirting with him or his hair?

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  8. Aren't computer formatting problems incredible time sucks? But you got your post up! I think Trump's coif was the star of your interview.

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  9. Maybe in a few weeks you could give us an update on the flying hair flapping around your studio. You know, what it eats, what kind of nest it builds, etc. This would be solid science!

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  10. His hair should have its own reality show -- now THAT I might watch!

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  11. You trumped trump. Maybe that flying hair could land in such a way that it resembles his own face. Then the hair could do all the talking and he can go cry in the corner.

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  12. Thanks for the chuckle, Robyn!

    But, really, you had me at $100,000 bar. One of my favorites. Yummy! And, now I want one this early in the morning!

    Happy New Year, my friend!!

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  13. Love the humor, made the day! Such a dolt, DT!

    Have a wonderful New Year!

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  14. Oh this dufus... Or is it doofus? Doesn't matter. He's both. Donald Trump is a joke. Bleh... Thanks for this chuckle!

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  15. This made me laugh. You'd think with all that money he could afford a hair transplant.

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  16. Money makes the world go round. Not my world. Books, books, books, to write, to read, to review, to shelve, etc.

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  17. I'm glad you didn't flirt with him unconsciously, Robyn. That would never happen unless you were unconscious. But I've never had your doubts about his hair. It's as real as the Afghan hound he stole it from.

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  18. His hair...how does he not have money to make it look better?

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  19. I find him so creepy lol. Him and his hair :P

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  20. When he thought you flirted with him did you throw up in your mouth a little? Personally his hair is a living alien and walks around like a spider sipping champagne, smoking cigars and making trump look even more like a fool. I just want to take an elastic and place it around his pursed smug lips and tighten that stupid mouth up. Oh and then bitch slap him into some closet

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  21. Maybe he thinks his hair is his best feature? Sadly there'll always be plenty of sycophants happy to agree with him! But then, if I had more money than anyone else I knew, maybe I'd be like that ........nah, not so much, it's just him! x

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  22. funny as hell. You captured it all so perfectly. I love the hair flying off at the end. Part of me is sad that I even know "some of his crap". I never watched the show but it's tough to escape recaps on radio or in the paper, or a glancing quote that makes one's eyes hurt. Thanks for a great Wed. laugh.

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  23. He'd be better off just being bald. It worked for Lex Luthor.

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  24. He could give Narcissus a run for his money. Never has one been so infatuated with their own self since then!

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  25. When we lived in Palm Beach (where trees instead of concrete are scarce anyway) the bulldozers came in one day and took out a beautiful lot of trees. I was mortified because it was a big patch of beauty in the busy area. Then the sign went up...Trump Golf Course coming, because well you know...Palm Beach needed another golf course. -_- Who knew I was still bitter? hahahaha Thanks, Robyn...the self-reflection has been daunting. ;) :) And Happy New Year to you too (for real). :)

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    1. A lot of people weren't thrilled with his ugly TRUMP logo on one of the pretty Chicago buildings either. He just wants to have his fingers in all the pie in this country.

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    2. Dang, I had no idea that egomaniac is leaving his mark everywhere he can. As if we could just forget him - with that hair, it's impossible.

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    3. $1219 a night for his family suite in Chicago. $341 a night for the two-beds in a room-room. ;)

      What I always wondered is how you go from completely bankrupt to loaded again...overnight. I guess I'd have to have that kind of money to know. He does more on a bankrupt day than I do in a lifetime.

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  26. I wonder how much his hair would cost if I transplanted it into my scalp? ;-)

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  27. I was visiting NYC once with friends who had never been, so we were doing the touristy stuff. When visited St. Patrick's Cathedral then walked up to the Trump Tower. I commented to my friends that St. Pat's had been build as a monument to God; Trump built his tower as a monument to himself.

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  28. I am sooo thankful to have a low maintenance head!

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  29. Ha! Well done, Robyn! He is so obnoxious and annoying.

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  30. You make a good point. A President Trump would be the NEXT comedy gold mine. Don't think it would happen, but imagine the possibilities....
    Incidentally, what is the source of the chocolate on that $100,000.
    See, aren't you glad I pay attention?

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  31. Al, the money is from an old Monopoly board game. Do you think it's worth a dime now?

    Thank you all, my sillies. My computer keeps disconnecting me from the server. Argh. For this and other reasons (new man in my life, went away for a conference), I've been slow to keep up in blogland. Thanks for not going away, and please don't.

    Have a great weekend. xo

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  32. "A certificate of live birth is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination as a birth certificate.
    I think we've heard enough."
    Ummmm....cause that makes so much sense.

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  33. Nice lampooning of the Donald. Your celebrity interviews are the best. Have a great new year, Robyn!

    M.L. Swift, Writer

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  34. I can't add anything to this hilarious interview (and Donald Trump has damned himself enough with his real quotes) but I just want to let it be known that scientists discovered a breed of caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump's hair. So yes, his hair's real. And it's literally alive.

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    1. You always link me to a hilarious, outrageously appropriately inappropriate link. I love it. Thanks!

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    1. Nobody does, Ruth. He just likes himself enough to make up for that fact. The Republican party has wanted him to claim Tea Party status. He's an embarrassment to all!

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  36. That was a good one Robyn!
    I'm not sure that isn't another public figure, who is less deserving of ANY time in the media spotlight. He is such a tool...

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  37. I don't know anything about Donald Trump. But I have some respect for him for some reason. Imagine being able to say stuff like that and still have people care about you.

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