Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Ashton Kutcher Interview: IWSG

First Wed of Every Month     
   Founded by the incomparable Alex J. Cavanaugh, the IWSG provides a space to reveal writerly insecurities and offer writerly support. Join us, if you haven't already. All that's required is an insecurity  or two hundred.
 
      BOLD black = Robyn / Bold Red = Ashton

   What better way to feed your ego than to bash the filthy rich and grossly stupid? Ladies and gentleman, let's welcome Ashton Kutcher! Sorority girls squeal wildly. Stagehand Macaulay Culkin darts toward them, pining for some coddling. Instead, he's drop-kicked out the back door by a busty blond who holds up a sign: "Delta Kelso Do Mi Now!"  Ashton struts onto the stage. He points and winks at the busty chick, then tells her, Gimme 12 minutes in a few, Jennifer Mai Holiday! She gives a thumbs-up. Take a seat, Ashton. Robyn gestures towards a fat orange bean bag, as she sits in a desk chair. Rad!  Ashton sinks into the bean bag. Thanks for visiting, I guess. Robyn looks at her watch, as she covers her mouth to hide a yawn. You call yourself an actor, but I get the impression you're not acting. You're just a pretty boy who's a dumb*bleep*. A real life Kelso, with no dimension. 
    Oh man, dude, you're right. I have no Demi son. He chuckles, humored by himself, then stands up. The girls scream frantically. Ashton shouts the words to Michael Jackson's song, "The kid is not my son!" and attempts to moonwalk, then falls flat on his face. But Demi only has daughters with that real actor, her first husband, right? Ashton pushes himself up into a sitting position and shrugs. I don't know dude. Mila and I are having a kid, though. He stands up and pounds his chest. The ladies go wild.  
   They say you're worth about $20 million. That's twenty million per half a brain cell. You should use it, bro. Like remember that time when you tweeted that the firing of football coach Joe Paterno, who kept secrets about child molester Jerry Sandusky, was "in poor taste." Really? How can anyone be that stupid? And to cheat on Demi? And now you're with Mila...well, Robyn holds up a palm, offering Ashton a high-five. He scoffs. Ma'am, you're way old! Jennifer Mai Holiday's red lace panties land at Kutcher's feet. With a wink, he says, a threesome tonight, babe. Mila's always ready. Jealous, Robyn changes the topic. Let's talk about your senior year of high school, when you broke into the school to steal money and got arrested. All you regret about that incident is that your girlfriend dumped you afterwards. Yeah, man. She had big bazongas. You know what I'm sayin? I do know. Robyn looks down at her big, ever drooping bazongas. I'm suddenly reminded of twins. You have a twin brother, Michael, but you never talk about him. He has cerebral palsy and a failing heart. Michael advocates for people with heart ailments, but you don't. You don't use your fame for anything worthy. I do so! Demi and I, we started this sex thing place. You flaming idiot! That was an agency founded to fight child pornography and sexual exploitation.  Ashton nods. See, I like porn! I think It's time for you to leave, jack*bleep*! No problem! Ashton runs to Jennifer Mai Holiday, and the Delta Kelso Do Mi Nows form a line behind her.  
     Thanks for visiting, folks. My sincerest apologies for the lowly level to which today's show sunk. We cut to a  Public Service Announcement about the hazards of marijuana abuse amongst sexually promiscuous stupid pretty boys with half a braincell that they can't find, but enough money to feed Honey Boo Boo's family for two days.
 

35 comments:

  1. I've never got the appeal of him, really. In fact, right now I'm assuming that interview is an exact representation of a conversation you really had with him ;-)

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  2. I'm with Annalisa - I don't get the appeal.
    I need to send you a link to a video of celebrities reading mean Tweets about themselves. Kutcher is one of them.

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  3. Found it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imW392e6XR0

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  4. Ah, thanks for this. I don't understand the appeal and, I don't care how pretty some people think he is, I don't understand why he's such a hot commodity.

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  5. Never been a big Kutcher fan but I did love the movie "The Butterfly Effect".

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  6. Tell me again why women want to sleep with him?

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  7. I get the impression you don't like him. lol I thought he was funny on That 70s Show, and i love Mila Kunis. I think they make a cute couple. Demi was too old for him.

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  8. I don't know much about him. Funny link that Alex put in the comments.

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  9. Haha! He's gone a long way riding on just his pretty face. I agree there's not much to him otherwise.

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  10. I don't know Robyn. I'm thinking there was a time when he dressed up in this very classy leisure suit, I think he stole it from Demi's prom date in high school, and came to congress and said blah, blah, blah about something I don't care about.

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  11. It might be my age that I'm revealing here, but he's so not my type. I hope he's soon nobody's type.

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  12. Zap! LOL
    Fun post. :D

    IWSG #215 until Alex culls the list again.

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  13. Well he does seem like a big douche and fictional him just proved it lol

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  14. Dork! Sorry- dang auto-correct- DICK!

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  15. I don't know enough about him to comment. But I did want to come over here and say hello. :)

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  16. Oh my...you're so crazy! And by that...I geared it more towards him. Because I love you Robyn!!

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  17. LOL. I think he is unattractive inside and out. And has half a brain. However, it is worth a lot of money. Go figure.

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  18. True life dumb and dumber. *sigh* I dated a guy who was good looking but not so bright in high school. It didn't last long. Turns out brains are WAY more attractive than brawn. ;)

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  19. "Robyn looks down at her big, ever drooping bazongas. I'm suddenly reminded of twins."

    Best line I've read all day! I think you have Kelso down pretty good. I never got the interest in him (not surprisingly), but I understand that teenybop doesn't need a reason.

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  20. No Demi son haha gold.

    Too true. Not an actor at all. And such a dumbass. I didn't know that about his brother. That's disgraceful. As you say, he could do quite a lot. Nothing but a tool. Shows the mentality of Hollywood and the media in general.

    Anyway, I'm curious about these gozongas. lol..

    Hilarious post as always!

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  21. He's done pretty well for himself considering he doesn't have much talent.

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  22. LOL. He is his own worst enemy as many of us are. Sad.

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  23. Demi was the best thing that ever happened to him.

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  24. He reminds me of an old boyfriend-who I got rid of. So, you think he is really Kelso?! Who knows?! I mean once they get fixed into a type-they play the type. It does seem like it suits him-fun to read!

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  25. The guy is a tool...
    Around here, his TV show is consistently out-watched by re-runs of the old show, starring the other tool.

    Funny stuff Robyn!

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  26. I'm not a big fan, but I do admire his business savvy. Instead of just resting on his acting success, he's been actively involved in numerous tech startups. I think that takes more than average intelligence, but the Demi Moore thing did make me lose respect for him. I'm not sure what that was all about! Demi and Bruce Willis seemed like the perfect couple to me, but now that we know more about her, Demi sounds a little nutty...

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  27. It does take business savvy to decide where to put your millions, Stephanie. So the one thing I suppose we can credit him for is paying the right people to make business choices for him.

    Thanks, all, for agreeing this one's not worthy.

    Cheers!
    xo

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  28. For all I know, the guy could have an IQ of 150, but I can't shake the image of him as the pretty boy doofus he played on "That 70s Show." What EVER did Demi see in him???

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  29. I only saw Kutcher's acting once and I totally hated him. A cardboard doll would have done a better job. The man looks like a complete idiot.

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  30. I LOVE these interviews! I think you get their personalities dead on. I started laughing about the 3rd line through and didn't stop until the end. I can't get over how immature he acts all the time. Like a Peter Pan never wanting to grow up!

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  31. Yeah....so not a Kutcher fan. Just don't get the girls that fawn over him. No thanks. I'll take Bruce Willis any day.

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  32. Lots of great lines here especially Demi son! He was Mila Kunis' first kiss when she was only fourteen. She was great in The Black Swan.

    Julie

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  33. Hey Robyn,

    Should of Punk'd him with this interview. Brain cells are overrated. There is proof with Ashton.

    And no, I wont apologise for not visiting your site recently! Aha :)

    Have a nice weekend, eh.

    Gary :)x

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  34. Coffee Alert! I am not an Ashton fan but this was hilarious and exactly how I picture it and now cannot stop laughing!

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  35. Let us not forget that Mila Kunis used to date junkie-turned-Robyn's stagehand Macaulay Culkin, so anything with a pulse and no heroin addiction is a step up for her. Brain cells aren't a requirement when you have all of your teeth and your veins don't randomly collapse.

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