Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Bringing Hallmark Down One Mutt at a Time





Three years ago, I began a quest to bring Hallmark down in favor of a line of Hallbark cards. Sadly, Hallmark still dominates greeting card aisles far and wide, while nobody but me has talked up Hallbark. So I'm reposting this to revive my efforts, with thanks to Jenny Matlock, Saturday Centus guru. Jenny provided this photo as a prompt. Within 50 words, we were to create a Hallmark-ish Valentine's greeting.

I hope you and/or your dog enjoy this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Hallbark Creation

I’m a sad lowly mutt from Pom Beaitch

With a fetish for dressing in kitsch

They say “Dawg, your singing is pitch!”

Yo, I ain’t no looker, and I ain’t rich

But I really want you for my...

Valentine.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Turkeys and Pests, Sundays in My City

Welcome back to Sundays in My City! For a scenic worldwide tour, visit hostess extraordinaire Unknown Mami's blog here.
Unknown Mami 

I'm glad you made it to Chico, CA. We can offer you blue skies, sun and fresh, nippy air today. Afterall, Christmas is officially...
over.
Thanksgiving too.
Can you find the three fearless turkeys? Do you know why they crossed this busy (small town "busy" means "not busy but they could've easily gotten killed and I could've too when I snapped these shots for your enjoyment") road?

They wanted professional assistance with controlling nasty pests. 


A humorous reminder that a certain dreaded "holiday" approaches. Never fear, the cast and crew at Life by Chocolate have loads of fun with it. (Stay tuned for a giveaway anti-Valentine's day contest.)

Thank you for visiting. Have a great Sunday and new week!



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Woman on the Verge of Paradise: Sexual Healing

Over one year and 1,452 trees into drafting my novel, Woman on the Verge of Paradise, I'll be sharing excerpts with you. I estimate publication between one and seventeen years from now. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy some samples. This scene takes you to my 20th High School Reunion. Note: red = song lyrics to Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Twenty years later, I scoured the L.A. Airport Hilton for Daniel – to no avail. He must have bypassed the reunion hoopla. Denise made her presence known, though. True to form, she honed in on her prey: a decent looking but tacky albeit innocent and well-intentioned alum. I can’t say Denise exhibits poor taste; she targeted me.

Amid Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing, I found myself on the dance floor, a fingertip’s distance from Denise.  “Hey Robyn, it’s so totally cool to see you!” Denise spun in slow circles around me, her long stringy red hair whipping my face as her arms swirled meditatively overhead in Hare-Krishna like fashion.

 Let's get down tonight
            “You too Denise.”       

 “Do this now.” Denise propped her chest out, shifted her buttocks back and glided towards me. Next she launched a series of pelvic thrusts over my left, then right leg. I slowly stepped back, held a smile and initiated full-throttle gyrations in hopes nobody was watching.

“Whoo-hoo! Let it loose, girlfriend!”

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up

I attempted to embrace the moment and all, but the damn song wouldn’t end.

“Say let’s exchange numbers. I’ll teach you some more dance moves.”

          I want sexual healing
         
“Sure.” I flashed a wide grin, wondering at what point in the past two decades Denise turned  hippie-Hare-exotic-dancer. A little experimentation that night might’ve been fun, but with someone less…weird. 

emotional stability is leaving me

As the song drew to an end, I thought it best to relinquish my twenty year old grudge.

Please don't procrastinate
Then I deserted her –still twirling- and made a beeline for the bar.

It's not good to masturbate

Karina and her husband downed martinis as I arrived. “Ooh baby,” he joshed. “I was getting all hot and sweaty watching you two go at it on the dance floor.”

           Flushed, I turned to the bartender. “Make mine a screaming orgasm.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Denise, if you're reading this, sorry I didn't call you. I have a perfectly good excuse: I ducked and ran while you were jotting your number down for me. 
And sorry I rejected your Facebook friend offer last year, but I didn't wanna be friends.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

DuPont Swings Both Ways: Sundays in My City

Hi, friends. Welcome to Chico, CA, for another episode of Sundays in My City, hosted by the extraordinary UnknownMami. Visit her blog here for a scenic worldwide tour.

Note that, as with all small and big cities, people like "MARY" overuse the quotation mark.

A few minutes away, this snowperson (probably male, but I don't want to make assumptions) never stood a chance.

DuPont, our town mascot, has integrity. Not me; I'm still embittered by the Packers' loss to the 49ers last week. Aaron Rodgers, who hails from Chico, played a great game too. Alas, DuPont swings both ways. He's now a 49ers fan.

Thanks for visiting. Have a great Sunday and new week and, okay, go 49ers!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy, # 209 - 215


Hi there! Lifted directly from popular on-line dating sites, and embellished by my italicized snark, I now present reasons 209 through 215 for [not just me but] any straight, single woman to choose celibacy.  I am ever shocked by a blatant lack of logic and literary savvy. Somehow, though, they still manage to entertain. Please enjoy.

REASON #209: Searching For One God Woman
I think Oprah’s the closest thing to a God woman you’ll find, buddy.  Otherwise, I might suggest Joan Rivers. She’s God’s age.

REASON #210: i like hermit crabs and lice. I like hermit crabs and lice. i like hermit crabs and lice and lice. I eat hermit crabs and lice. I need hermit crabs and lice. I am eating hermit crabs and lice right now.I am eatning hermit crabs and lice right now.
No offense, babe, but you’re a freak who should be expelled to another galaxy. Kindly take your crabs along.

REASON #211: I am interesting in a relationship.
Is this to say you’re dull as a doorknob when single?

REASON #212: Sapiosexual autonomous autodidact
Say what? Homoerectus, carcinogenonymus cardictation back to you, sir.

REASON #213: This one’s photo displays a shiny bald head. Thus, I’m perplexed by his strategy.
short hairy men make better lovers  


REASON #214: look to have goob time
Goobers turn you on, huh, babe? I’m a big hunk gal myself, but goob luck to ya.

REASON #215: need a dumb womin
I can’t argue with that.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Latest in Chocolate: Chocolate Tea

I'm sipping NUMI's organic Pu-erh Tea.

The box informs that "Puerh is an ancient healing tea picked from 500 year old organic wild trees in Yunnan, China. Puerh has more antioxidants than most green teas...This velvety infusion combines black Puerh tea and organic cocoa. Accented by whole vanilla beans and sweet orange peel, this decadent blend is rounded off with a nutmeg and cinnamon finish."

It's a dose of warm, comforting, rich chocolate at zero calories. Can't beat that. NUMI's Chocolate Puerh is more pricy than the others, at $8.99 for 18 tea bags, but many of us spend $4-5+ for a cup or tea or coffee anyway. It's worth it. The only problem is, after finishing a cupful, I crave a chunk of the not-so-healthy stuff.

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being perfect, I give NUMI's chocolate tea an 8. 

Note: NUMI's isn't paying me to advertise their product, though they might consider it.

Stay warm, and have a great Thursday.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

DuPont, A Packers Fan: Sundays in My City

Hi, friends. I'm jumping in on Sundays in My City, hosted by the extraordinary UnknownMami. Visit her blog here for a scenic worldwide tour.  Today, I have pictures of the first week of 2013 in my hometown, Chico, CA.

Our town mascot - whose actual name is DuPont (I just learned this, and DuPont is a male cross-dresser) was ready to cheer on the Greenbay Packers because...

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers (12) waves to fans after defeating the Minnesota Vikings in their NFL NFC wildcard playoff football game in Green Bay, Wisconsin January 5, 2013. REUTERS/Tom Lynn
..Packers Quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, does Chico proud. He's from this city, and Rodgers didn't disappoint last night. Congratulations on defeating the Minnesota Vikings, Rodgers! (Sorry, Pearl.)  [Photo stolen from Yahoo News page]



                                               
Feline friend, Mojo, attended my New Year's Book Launch party.




 




 
Others, in human form, attended too. It was a great way to start a new year. I hope 2013 has been a good one for you, too, so far. 

Thanks for visiting. Be well, Happy 2013, and go Packers! (Disclaimer: I am not a sports fan. Not until now.)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Interview with Justin Bieber! IWSG


Welcome to the first IWSG (Insecure Writer’s Support Group) of 2013. Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded this group to provide us with a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s a great group.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
__________

Robyn: We had a lot of big-name celebrities last year. So I wanted to kick-off this year’s first IWSG in a really exciting way, with the biggest star of them all. Instead, I bring you Justin Bieber.
The audience boos. I’m sorry - Robyn lowers her voice to a near whisper - but nobody else was available on such short notice. Robyn raises her voice again. Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome today’s guest, Justin Bieber! Silence fills the studio, as Justin strolls onto the stage, carrying a pink make-up bag and waving at the audience. Suddenly, a loud, uncontrollable girlish scream echos throughout the building. The camera zooms in on the culprit: a baby on her mother’s lap. Embarrassed, the mother swaddles her baby and walks out briskly. Robyn and Justin exchange a lukewarm handshake and take their seats.

Robyn: Thanks for visiting today.

Justin: Sure thing. Leaning back in his chair, Justin opens the make-up bag and pulls out a compact and lip gloss. He grins at the mirror and begins applying layers of lip gloss.

Robyn:  Justin, how did you feel about Google naming you the 7th most popular woman in the world? 

Justin:  Well, there are always gonna be haters out there. I’m cool with that. I can’t always take first place, or even sixth. He giggles and resumes lip-gloss application.

Robyn: Yeah, tough break. So, today’s this year's first meeting of the IWSG. Do you know what that stands for?

Justin: Uh, I worship Selena Gomez? Justin smiles proudly, humored by himself.

Robyn: No, we’re insecure writers. On that note, I want to lend support to my insecure writer friends. That’s why I invited you here. See, I recently published my first book. I was going through a dark time, and I hadn’t planned on publishing my poetry, not yet at least...Justin removes a container of Selena Gomez hair gel from his make-up kit and begins rubbing it on his hair...but I looked through my poetry and decided I had enough for a book right now. Then I emailed this amazing artist and blogger, Robin Mead, and asked if she’d partner with me. She agreed. Within two months, I was a first-time published author. It’s an awesome feeling to have ignored all my insecurities. I rose above my circumstances and just did it, you know?

Justin: Oh yeah. Well, me and my mom used to live with mouses before I became famous. One morning, no joke, this is really gross. You won't believe it. But in my sofa bed, because we couldn’t afford a real bed for me -

Robyn interrupts: Yeah, I knew you'd have something to share about this topic, Justin. That’s why I invited you.

Justin stops talking, ready to address Robyn’s questions. Cool, okay.

Robyn: Yeah, I figured you could speak to the experience of surviving tough times, getting knocked down and then again, yet rising above it all with grace and dignity. How did Selena do it?

Justin: Some things, I don't talk about. But, like I was saying, we lived with mouses, and one morning when I woke up -

Robyn: I'm afraid we’re out of time. Thanks, Justin.


Justin, looking at the audience: Well, would you like a song before I go? The audience remains silent. Justin shrugs his shoulders.

Robyn: Sorry, we’re just not Beliebers here at Life by Chocolate. But thanks for your time, and please know that tons and tons of people really, really love and adore…Selena Gomez. Give her our best. 

Justin: Okay. He waves at the two people (now sleeping) remaining in the audience, and struts off. 

The camera zooms in on Robyn: My friends, we might not be Beliebers, and Lord knows we aren’t, but we must be believers. So shut-down those nagging insecurities and just go for it. Keep dreaming and writing and moving towards your goals. Amazing things will happen. Have a great, successful New Year. Believe in YOU.