And I Wrote This Book.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy #277-285 and MARRY CHRISTMAS!

It's been a long dry spell, lasting through most of 2013. I've expelled more reasons for this below. As always, the ads (in bold) are lifted from men's actual attempts to attract women on-line.

Enjoy, and keep a smile.
We're almost through the holiday madness. Right?

REASON #277:
Well well well what have we here?
Another question it's That I feared
I have no hobbies. What are goals?
I raked all my woman over the coals
It wasn't something that I'd planned
They had it coming you ladies understand?
Messing around don't get mad

Well, aren’t you funny?
Quite the card.
I bet your man-card’s big and hard.
Don’t mind my rhyme; it’s on-the-spot.
And big, hard man-cards make me hot.
Don’t take it out, though
You can’t come in.
Your card’s expired.
My patience thin.
I’m going now, but don’t feel bad.
I prefer men who can rhyme with “mad.”

REASON #278:
Marry Christmas! 
Dude, I don’t like it that much.. I’m Jewish. I don’t even eat ham.

 REASON #279:
Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes?  
 1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
        2) Hooked on Phonics for you.
     
      REASON #280:
      Time is non-existent
      In that case, I have loads of time for you, Einstein.

REASON #281:
LIVE LIFE LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST 
Do you know something that I don’t?

REASON #282:
Looking for a european super model:) 
Have you checked out the Lamborghini dealer on the north side of town?

REASON #283:
Things that go clunk in the night.
Hint, honey: That might be the reason your women never spend the night.

Oh, the irony in these two, REASONS #284-285:
Headline: Live in the now    
Bio: I'll do this later...

Headline: Not ready to commit to an essay at this time
Looking for: Actively seeking a relationship

40 comments:

  1. In the spirit of the season...
    It was Christmas Eve at the Playboy Mansion and everyone was feeling merry.
    But Mary left.
    Then, they jumped for Joy.
    But, she hadda go, too.

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  2. LOL. Thank you, Al! Thank you. I need time to respond in kind...I'm thinking about Santa's sack, reindeer play, and a big fat guy who shouts "ho!" and can fit into narrow spaces.

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  3. Do you know something I don't - priceless!!!!

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  4. I love the line about do you know something that I don't. That's a good one, indeed.

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  5. What sort of woman would be interested in the first guy? A confidence trickster might find his stupidity alluring and a masochist might enjoy the coal-raking. Is there any way you could find out what goes clunk in the night without going on a date with #283?

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  6. GB, I'm guessing #283 is looking to upgrade his sex robot.

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  7. Sorry human race but your future is not looking too good.

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  8. haha such a bad rhymer, can't even rhyme mad, pathetic lol

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  9. Hey Robyn,

    Good to see those dudes are keeping it up, so to speak, with their witty personal want ads. What they really want is...oh never mind...

    I was looking for a European super model. I ended up with a old Mercedes banger.

    Have a good one, eh.

    Gary :) x

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  10. That live life guy may have something else and not be happy to see you

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  11. You're much too good for any of that bunch. . .

    Hope Santa brings you chocolate and happy memories. I don't say how. . .that's up to you.

    Happy Holidays - have a relaxing and safe time, Robyn!

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  12. "Hooked on Phonics for you." hahaha! :D

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  13. Are these from dating websites?? Guys put that stuff out there and really expect women to date them? lol

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  14. Oh, these were just too good! I about died at the European Super Model! Such witty comebacks :)

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  15. I need to spend more time reading the personals, although I am sure this was rather time consuming to get these gems. Thanks. Love your added commentary too.

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  16. You are so funny and they are so pathetic! Very good Robyn.

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  17. Plenty o' fish? Throw those ones back. GAH!

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  18. Another masterpiece Robyn! My favorite lines were, "I prefer men who can rhyme with 'mad,' and of course the Lamborghini super model! I had a very hard time narrowing it down to just two. The worst part is, I can't help wondering where their mothers' went wrong.

    Julie

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  19. Your comments are priceless, my dear friends. I think I need to do a collage of comments post.

    Thank you for making me laugh. It's an added bonus to the entertainment value of these ads.

    David, that's an astute theory. You're probably right.

    Christian, truth.

    Thanks, DG. You too.

    Julie, your thoughtful and humorous comments are always appreciated.

    Keep a smile, everyone.
    xoRobyn

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  20. At least the first guy was creative. And honest.

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  21. LOL oh lord reading these makes me embarrassed for my fellow males...they give us a bad name!

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  22. These posts make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Marry Christmas... oh dear!

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  23. Robyn, you are hysterical. I know I keep saying that but it is true. These are a riot!

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  24. LOL! you're so funny! i mean in a good way. here i am wiping coffee from my laptop screen and it's all your fault!!
    also chuckling at chery's comment...robyn, you are hysterical!

    love ya xoxo

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  25. I don't want to tempt you but I can rhyme with "mad."

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  26. Always a riot, Robyn! Thanks for the laugh.

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  27. Can't rhyme with mad?
    How very sad!
    To me they all looked like sooky plooks...
    Perhaps they should be reading (your) books!

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  28. I think it may be hopeless. I keep thinking I'm single because I have "Big Toe" thumbs,,,,, I hear that makes me unlovable,,,, but on the upside, I believe I would be an accomplished hitchhiker, should the need arise,, and that's "kinda" like dating right? Love you more!

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  29. Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I agree, the eight strand plait does look similar to Jewish bread. My favorite Jewish bread to make is bagel, but two weekends ago I made teeny rolls in the shape of a Jewish star.

    Do you have a favorite Jewish Bake?

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  30. Am I the only one that read that first one as a really bad rap? I mean, not like it could really get any worse as is.

    I always live my life like it's my last. Thankfully I'm only on my fourth life, so I'm just kinda slacking off with this one. Tried sticking a fork in the toaster and all it did was break my toaster. Oh well, no big loss either way!

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  31. Snarfing coffee Part Deux. Loved your rhyming response.

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  32. #281 was especially funny - how many lives does he have? And "Marry Christmas = too funny! Thanks for the laughs. :-)

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  33. Hahaha... love your reply to the European Super Model.

    Have a wonderful Holiday!

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  34. Headline: Live in the now
    Bio: I'll do this later...

    Bwa Ha ha haaa!

    Marry Christmas, Robyn!

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  35. Well 277 is a real winner, for sure. If I weren't married...

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  36. https://medium.com/@naklafshdmam/

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