And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Down and Downer, Reasons for Celibacy #277-285

Few activities are as perplexing as sorting through today's "eligible" bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: justifiable reasons why I (or any single, straight woman) would choose celibacy. Please be entertained.
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REASON #277: looking for my maybe more
Sorry. I’m looking for my definitely more, please don’t stop anytime soon.

REASON #278: nice gay
What’s a nice gay like you doing on a non-progressive website looking for a woman?

REASON #279: noting to do
Yeah, me too. Lots of noting. So are you a pantser or a plotter?

REASON #280: looking for sexy woman that is down.
Sexy and depressed? I can do that! Call me, honey. Wink.

REASON #281: im down are you down
Wow, I didn’t know so many men liked down women. I am down, sweetie, especially upon reading these ads. Meet me at the Paradise Dive Bar. We’ll do our tax returns, discuss the rapidly growing homeless sector, review Gore’s power-point presentation on global warming, and ponder the inevitable downfall of the Disney child. I can't wait!

REASON #282: some of y'all are more stuck up than tampons
Oh yeah? Well some of y’all are more dense than a Tolsty trilogy.

REASON #283: single cuntry man
Whoa dude. That’s a rather offensive way to say that you only boink one woman at a time.

REASON #284: Lets grab a 5 gallon bucket of fudge and chat!!
Okay. What are you having?

REASON #285:Como estas that's spanish for I like your face
Adios amigos that’s Spanish for “No thanks. Can you tell me where the bathroom is?”

 

33 comments:

  1. I see there are yet more slim pickings out there. Does this ever make you wonder what these guys do for a living? Not rocket scientists, I'm pretty sure and hopefully not in the medical profession, either.

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  2. Sexy and depressed doesn't sound like fun.
    Reason #278 was funny!

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  3. I am SO gonna use the "you are more stuck up than a tampon" line. If I was single I would be on that dude like white on rice baby!

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  4. I was entertained but kind of scared. These people might reproduce at some point.

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  5. I loved your response to 283. Actually this whole post was hilarious. Too bad its probably true.

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  6. LOL!!! There are so many freaks out there. My stepdaughter keeps using a dating site for our region and she's met nothing but jerks on there.

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  7. I guess after reading any of those, I would want to be celitate too.

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  8. Hilarious. You are down!

    Robyn, these are always so chuckleworthy.

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  9. This post gave me the giggles - of the wonders of modern dating...

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  10. I've never had fudge and chat.
    Fudge and popcorn, fudge and whipped cream, fudge and cookies.
    But, never fudge and chat.
    It's GOTTA be fattening.

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  11. A lot of downer guys out there. They need a clown, not a woman.

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  12. Dr Phil did a couple of shows last week about catfishing and how they search for people to rip off on internet dating sites. One of the tips about how to spot a potential catfish was to look for poor spelling. Looks like the catfish pool is teeming!

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  13. Noting to do--ahahaha!

    I can't even imagine what some of these guys are like if they think they are going to attract someone with these lines.

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  14. Oh!! Those are so funny! I feel like I want to go on a singles website just for the amusement factor!

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  15. The nice gay just wants to play lol

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  16. When I was dating the big line was asking a girl up to your apartment to see your collection of etchings. The future Mrs. Chatterbox was quite disappointed when I invited her to my apartment and actually showed her my collection of etchings.

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  17. Hi Robyn,

    My human, Gary, has suggest that, REASON #283, should contact the Scunthorpe, England, dating site.

    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! xx

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  18. I don't know, I think the 5 gallon bucket of fudge guy sounds like a real winner! Si?

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  19. #282 and #283 - love your replies to these especially!

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  20. I'm actually beginning to wonder why exactly these guys don't bother putting in enough of an effort to spell right, surely if they're going to create a dating account they should at least say they're a nice guy instead of a nice GAY and various other things.

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  21. With regards to 282: That guy is wanting to meet women so his strategy is to insult the entire gender as a whole? Bravo.

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  22. I don't know how stuck-up tampons can be, but I'm guessing that line would be far more insulting to some women than others. Could the nice gay be looking for a fag hag?

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  23. Following you already =)
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Le-Petit-Plastique/473640259360447

    http://lepetitplastique.blogspot.com/

    *Nimli Giveaway Prize Package on my Blog*

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  24. Hahahaha...these are all hilarious! Oh my goodness...there are some really 'interesting' people out there.

    "noting to do" That one just kills me!

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  25. So funny Robyn!
    I don't see these geniuses on the Match.com commercials.

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  26. Maybe it was a misprint? Maybe he meant, "Fudge and chai"?
    After all, a good cup of tea is the perfect thing to wash down some fudge.

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  27. Al, I do like chai and wouldn't want to chat with him. So I like your theory.

    Pat, those people on the commercials are gorgeous and normal looking too. Talk about false advertising.

    JustKeepinItReal, if only for the disturbance factor, it's a memorable line.

    Debra, it's difficult to find spelling that's not atrocious.

    Christian, I know, right? WTF?!

    Stephen, no nude modeling for Mrs. C. that night, huh?

    Yeamie, it is baffling that they don't even review what they wrote before posting it. Or do they?

    Cheers, ya'all. Thanks for the chuckles you've given me.

    xoRobyn

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  28. ba ha haaa!
    "Okay. What are YOU having?"

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  29. Holy shit...are there no decent single men left that can spell...and don't use the word "down"?

    Please tell me there is no such thing as a cuntry.

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  30. bahahaha! oh my! some real winners out there, i see. sexy and depressed? muahahaha!

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  31. #282 definitely wins the lowest varmint award. I hope that he's not a frustrated gynecologist.

    Julie

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  32. Wow....282, you're a retard. Loved your reaction to 284. Appropriate. I would have said the same thing. :) And....I'm sure you're aware, but 285 is an idiot.

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