Thursday, June 13, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy #240 - 247: Going out for the Kindle!

Few activities are as tiresome as sifting through today's available bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: reasons 240 through 247 for my celibate existence.  As always, I've included italicized commentary. Enjoy!
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REASON #240: I like to salsa dance with my thoughts. I have minor social anxiety but eat bananas. But more importantly, words. In the future I'll be who this was, thinking about who I'd be in the future. Social anxiety and bananas? I’ve always liked bananas in private too. More importantly, in the future I’ll be who this was salsa dancing with a hot man and not your thoughts, thinking about where I’d find a hot man or banana in the future.

REASON #241: Curdiest , knows what they want.   
Are you trying to say you really like cottage cheese?

REASON #242: You can pull and pull but you can't milk a bull!
 I’ve got advice for you, babe: 
       1) Go to store. 
       2) Buy milk. 
       3) Go home. Pour and pour.    4)  Change personal ad headline.

REASON #243: Lets see I love laughing and making others laugh aswell. I'm very self motivated, even tho I could be lazy at times lol. I like to cook its like a inner hobby of mine.
So you’re opposed to an outdoor bbq? What do you do on July 4th?

REASON #244: Bald men need love too ! 
And they deserve it! Bald is sexy…on other men. Good luck to you, sir.

REASON #245: I am up here to network, make friends, and promote my novel (second one coming soon). I have a novel that is currently out for the Kindle and its titled:
"I’m an author who misspelled ‘it’s’ and I am so clever with marketing that I’m using this dating site to promote my wonderful book.  I’m not seeking a relationship or commitment of any kind. I don’t even want sex. I’m sure all you women are perusing these ads in search of a great book to read! Well, look no further! Mine is out for the Kindle now (second one coming soon)!”

REASON #246: Love is 9 cents of chemicals acting on the brain. 
Say what? Someone’s got no sense of chemicals acting on the brain.

REASON #247: I plan to go back to school and get a dreg
A dreg? You mean like the dregs of humanity? The lowest of the low-life? I don’t have a particular school in mind for you, sweetie, though I might suggest a campus in Vegas, Hollywood, or Jersey Shore.

29 comments:

  1. LMAO... Good grief Charlie Brown, these guys are ridiculous. Sort of like...

    "Mmm boy, I do like my women slick and thick."

    Really, what precisely has to be thick and what has to be slick? On second thought, I really don't want to know. ;)

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  2. Oh, thanks for that snort laugh! I'm going out for the Kindle. Talk to you when I get back.

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  3. LOL at least the third one can rhyme haha maybe you should grab that bull by the umm never mind. Its a great idea to promote stuff on dating sites too. Its so great. Its for instant hits, pfft.

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  4. These are all amazing Robyn but it's the first that gets me so much, like he says originally that he has social anxiety but it's okay because he eats bananas, I mean I've tried a few times already to wrap my head around that logic and I just can't. Funny post though Robyn, but I mean what on earth is a dreg? There's something suspicious about the Kindle one, hmm, something you wrote? Funny as usual Robyn!

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  5. The self promotion. Stupid iPad. Sorry, had bad storms all night and using my iPad instead of the computer.

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  6. Greetings human, Robyn,

    I had to find out what celibacy was. I know we have celibacy shows over here. Like 'Celibacy Big Brother' and 'Celibacy Skating on Ice'. Heck, in Britain, we even have a show named, 'I'm a Celibacy. Get Me Out Of Here!'

    Did I get that wrong?

    My human says guys who like cottage cheese are cultured dudes.

    That was an enjoyable read, human, Robyn. I didn't see any of my human, Gary's ads! Such as, 'man seeks over forty women.' I reckon my human is greedy.

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! :) x

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  7. Oh my. Sad sad. Celibacy isn't that bad...

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  8. Hahaha...loved this. So funny! I'm not sure how social anxiety and bananas relate but I'm sure it would be...um...interesting ??

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  9. Oh God. Are they for real ? LMAO !

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  10. Reason #246- I would not give a penny for his thoughts.

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  11. Melly, your comments always amuse me. Thank you. "Slick and thick" would be a slight improvement over looking for a "reel" or "real" woman. WTH?!

    MF, I hope you found the Kindle. Keep us posted. Smiles.

    Pat, I don't know. Rhyming "bull" with "pull" is a bit of a stretch. Yeah, I can't imagine he'll sell any books that way.

    YW, LOL. The harder you try to figure these out, the more perplexed you get. It's all so mind boggling.

    Alex, no worries. Stay safe over there. I agree, too. I'm appalled by his self promotion.

    Penny, there's also "Celibacy and Carrot Sticks." Your human might snack on those. But it sounds like he's busy with over forty women.

    Julie, you're right. Thank you. Smiles.

    Martha, connecting bananas to social anxiety is just so weird, you can't help but laugh.

    Lisa, it makes you wonder. But I couldn't begin to make this stuff up.

    Ruth, yeah. He makes no sense and deserves no cents.

    Thanks for making me laugh with your comments, friends.

    xoRobyn

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  12. A funny and enjoyable read. Thanks.

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  13. Even with all his faults, I'm glad I've got my man and I'm not looking for one, especially the ones you showcase. *gag

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  14. So you're saying celibacy is looking better and better all the time, huh?

    Thanks for the chuckles.

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  15. The guy promoting his book is definitely thinking outside the box. Now, if the book is about internet dating, I'd assume he was a genius!

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  16. Why didn't i think of that. "Go on a date with me, but first you have to buy a book."

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  17. yees pant wettingly funny as usual Robyn. The first guy is clearly bananas whether they are in public or private - aw thanks so much for doing a guest blog xox

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  18. Don't you think a nice glass of Chocolate HEMPMILK would help calm some of these illegible bachelors down? Yes, I meant illegible though some may argue to the nth dreg.

    Julie

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  19. John, you don't even get a date out of it. You just have to buy the book. Because it's great and wonderful and he is too.

    David, thanks and you're welcome.

    Julie, "Illegible" is VERY clever. I may need to borrow that term. Thank you.

    xoRobyn

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  20. That's what we need more of: people who are curdiest.

    WHAT'S HAPPENED TO SPELLING???!!!!

    :-)

    Pearl

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  21. Is #240 saying that eating words is more important than eating bananas? He ain't no gorilla, that's for sure. His last sentence reminds me of a stupid man trying to be profound but failing to get past stupid.

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  22. Oh Pearl and GB, thank you for the laughs you always give me! xo

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  23. I don't even have any words. I got lost at #240 and I couldn't find my way back. If you find me, will you help me? Thanks.

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  24. I am so embarrassed by other members of my gender, that I just might castrate myself. NOT!

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  25. This post has made me hungry for bananas, cottage cheese, milk, outdoor bbq's, chemicals and dregs.

    ...I think...

    (ps for some reason blogger was not giving me your notifications so sorry Ive missed the past few.)

    x

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