Interview with Martha Stewart: IWSG

Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded the IWSG to provide a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s an inspiring, fun group.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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Robyn: Today, my friends, we'll meet perhaps the most successful domestic diva of all time. She's an expert in the fine art of accessorizing.  Let's give a big round of applause to Martha Stewart! An angry crowd tosses ripe cherry tomatoes, big heads of lettuce, and gloriously long hearty cucumbers at Robyn. She ducks and dodges all but one cucumber, which she successfully nabs and begins to lick.

Martha walks onto the stage in a JC Penny's sky blue cotton shirt, tan capris, and a shiny gold plated ankle-cuff delightfully decorated with a garland of baby's breath. She looks at Robyn, still licking the cucumber. Yes, I like doing that too. Robyn elbows her playfully, as if the girl-talk has begun.

They take their seats in Martha Stewart Living Scruples-Free Chairs.

Robyn: I made sure not to get the Martha Stewart Lounge Chairs that amputate fingers when the legs snap ferociously. You know, the ones that spurred a number of lawsuits years ago, when innocent people lost fingers to those beasts because the chair legs weren't made properly. You continued to sell them anyway.

Martha: I don't know what you're talking about. Nobody was injured by my chairs. Martha opens her purse and takes out a sparkling white, silver trimmed salad bowl. She scurries to pick up tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers from the floor and tosses them into the bowl. Then she sits back down. Now the key to a lovely, fresh salad is in the dressing. I prefer a light vinaigrette. 

Robyn: Say, Martie, does the term "inside trading" ring a bell? See, today's our IWSG meeting. One of my insecurities is how to take life's blows and incorporate them, or not, into my writing. How to navigate the slams, while maintaining a cheery but sincere outlook? Look at you. You served hard time for criminal activity, and you came out stronger!

Martha nods, proudly. Yes, I did.

Robyn: And everyone who's ever worked or lived with you has called you a first class b*tch! You're sued on a regular basis, including a current lawsuit by Macy's. Let's look now at the prison dorms you were forced to endure in 2004. Robyn holds up a picture of Alderson prison's dormitory:

Robyn: Do you have to be a lying thief to get an all expense paid trip to this place? I don't know if I could do that. I don't even know if I can always be funny.  Life is so hard sometimes. But humor's where it's at, Martha. Don't you agree?

Martha looks confused. Humor? Oh yes, I've heard of it. A good answer to seasonal allergies is, in fact, a standard beige family-friendly humidifier. I relish in decorating mine with a lively pink ribbon. You simply wrap it around the humidifier and, where the ends meet, tie a playful, childlike bow.  It's easy and it's affordable, and it will impress all of your house guests, whether or not they have allergies. She giggles, as if she's being humorous.

Robyn: I think this is a good place to stop. Thank you for visiting with us.

Martha smiles, clenches her salad bowl with one hand, and grabs a cucumber off the floor with the other. She strolls off-stage, licking the cucumber feverishly.