Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Interview with Martha Stewart: IWSG

Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded the IWSG to provide a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s an inspiring, fun group.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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Robyn: Today, my friends, we'll meet perhaps the most successful domestic diva of all time. She's an expert in the fine art of accessorizing.  Let's give a big round of applause to Martha Stewart! An angry crowd tosses ripe cherry tomatoes, big heads of lettuce, and gloriously long hearty cucumbers at Robyn. She ducks and dodges all but one cucumber, which she successfully nabs and begins to lick.

Martha walks onto the stage in a JC Penny's sky blue cotton shirt, tan capris, and a shiny gold plated ankle-cuff delightfully decorated with a garland of baby's breath. She looks at Robyn, still licking the cucumber. Yes, I like doing that too. Robyn elbows her playfully, as if the girl-talk has begun.

They take their seats in Martha Stewart Living Scruples-Free Chairs.

Robyn: I made sure not to get the Martha Stewart Lounge Chairs that amputate fingers when the legs snap ferociously. You know, the ones that spurred a number of lawsuits years ago, when innocent people lost fingers to those beasts because the chair legs weren't made properly. You continued to sell them anyway.

Martha: I don't know what you're talking about. Nobody was injured by my chairs. Martha opens her purse and takes out a sparkling white, silver trimmed salad bowl. She scurries to pick up tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers from the floor and tosses them into the bowl. Then she sits back down. Now the key to a lovely, fresh salad is in the dressing. I prefer a light vinaigrette. 

Robyn: Say, Martie, does the term "inside trading" ring a bell? See, today's our IWSG meeting. One of my insecurities is how to take life's blows and incorporate them, or not, into my writing. How to navigate the slams, while maintaining a cheery but sincere outlook? Look at you. You served hard time for criminal activity, and you came out stronger!

Martha nods, proudly. Yes, I did.

Robyn: And everyone who's ever worked or lived with you has called you a first class b*tch! You're sued on a regular basis, including a current lawsuit by Macy's. Let's look now at the prison dorms you were forced to endure in 2004. Robyn holds up a picture of Alderson prison's dormitory:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7c/FPC_Alderson.jpg

Robyn: Do you have to be a lying thief to get an all expense paid trip to this place? I don't know if I could do that. I don't even know if I can always be funny.  Life is so hard sometimes. But humor's where it's at, Martha. Don't you agree?

Martha looks confused. Humor? Oh yes, I've heard of it. A good answer to seasonal allergies is, in fact, a standard beige family-friendly humidifier. I relish in decorating mine with a lively pink ribbon. You simply wrap it around the humidifier and, where the ends meet, tie a playful, childlike bow.  It's easy and it's affordable, and it will impress all of your house guests, whether or not they have allergies. She giggles, as if she's being humorous.

Robyn: I think this is a good place to stop. Thank you for visiting with us.

Martha smiles, clenches her salad bowl with one hand, and grabs a cucumber off the floor with the other. She strolls off-stage, licking the cucumber feverishly.


37 comments:

  1. I think she's in denial.
    And the cucumbers really make piece stand out. No wait! That sounds bad. Stand up. Crap, that's even worse! Um, I'm leaving now...

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  2. I've never heard of Martha Stewart before until now Robyn but she definitely sounds like quite the unpleasant character especially since everybody she comes in contact with absolutely hates her. A quick Google tells me some more, I wasn't expecting her to be in her 70s!

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  3. I'll never be able to look at cucumbers in quite the same way again, but at least I still have all my fingers!

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  4. At least you got your workout dodging all that produce

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  5. My Sister once called me Martha. It made me so mad that it was all I could do not to smack her. She meant it as a compliment ... but who could take being called Martha as a compliment?

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  6. Hahaha... Martha Stewart definitely needs to lighten up with a sense of humour! Sadly, we share the same name!

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  7. Oooh! You got moxie, girl.
    That prison is nicer than most hotels I've stayed at.
    ~Just Jill

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  8. I wonder is she is going to slumber with the cucumber lol

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  9. I love that Martha decorated her ankle cuff. So her. All the credit goes to you though. Not reaching across the stage and slapping her into reality is truly a feat!

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  10. Martha Stewart and cucumbers, ahem...but seriously now, can she really be insecure. Ha!

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  11. I believe every word of you interview as it sounds totally like her. Well...I am not absolutely sure of the cucumber licking but since she has been on the Today Show a lot lately, using Match.com to find her next boyfriend, she has said she is up for trying new things *wink, wink*.

    I can't think of anyone that I have ever seen on TV that is so devoid of humor. You would think she would have at least one humorous jail house anecdote.

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  12. hahaha. I love how she made that salad on the spot. awesome post!
    Nutschell
    www.thewritingnut.com

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  13. LOVED it. Martha knows her multi-purpose cucumbers. It's a 'Good Thing' right!

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  14. At least the cucumber doesn't get to have an opinion about her. LOL!

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  15. Can I order that cucumber to-go with a side of chocolate? Fun post!

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  16. Alex, that's got to be it.

    YW, sorry to introduce you to her.

    Jacqueline, um, sorry? or you're welcome?

    John, it was a good cardio boost nabbing the cucumber too.

    MyJourney, I'm sorry. The next Martha (Plowing Through) is very nice. Martha, I'm sorry. It's a great name, and one that Ms. Stewart is not deserving of.

    Jill, I would love a retreat at that prison. Thank you. Great to meet you.

    Pat, I don't think so. I think she sleeps with a bunch of pets. Seriously. She's not a well woman.

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  17. Elsie, it was challenging. Good thing the cucumber kept me feeling pretty blissful.

    Farawayeyes, the woman's never heard of "insecurity." That b*tch! =)

    Cheryl, that's hilarious about Martha and Match.com. I didn't know that. Funny story: She dated Anthony Hopkins, then dumped him after seeing Silence of the Lambs BECAUSE of his role in that movie.

    Nutschell, for her, it's all about a nice, fresh salad, appropriately dressed.

    Johanna, yes, some of us - er, them - rely of things like a cucumber.

    MsA, true. If only that cucumber could talk.

    Laura, sure, but I've eaten all the chocolate and, oops, cucumbers too.

    xoRobyn

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  18. Martha Stewart and cucumbers.
    Mind boggling. I thought she was in jail. Hmmm

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  19. Yeah, she does seem to be missing the humor gene. I was gonna say at least she laughs all the way to the bank, but never mind. She probably scowls. And licks her cucumber.

    Fun post!

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  20. Lol!! This was awesome. You did an amazing job. She's delusional. Completely. And old!! Did you know she's in her 70's??

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  21. You've seriously captured Martha. I think she's a woman with tunnel vision, and everything's all about Martha, all the time.
    Funny! Scary ... but funny! ;)

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  22. Lol the cucumber haha

    Well we dont see much of Martha here but we know who she is. I think many successful people are assholes - sounds like she's one of them~!

    Great to see you back!
    xo

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  23. Martha Stewart is heeeelarious. She should do stand up with that pink ribbon bit.

    Next time you need to have her share her recipe for prison toilet wine.

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  24. Licking a cucumber? Aren't they all prickly on the outside? Or am I thinking of zucchini?

    I am sure she HAS tastefully and elegantly decorated that ankle bracelet of hers.

    Thanks for the morning giggle.

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  25. I totally would have bought this as a real interview!

    Martha really doesn't have much of a sense of humor and her paint sucks. I don't know if they still sell it, but I bought it once and told myself never again!

    On the other hand, I do love her Halloween specials.

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  26. Hi Robyn,

    First of all, I'm flattered that you are doing the "IWSG" aka "I Was Seeking Gary". Okay, delusional moment over.

    Being in lil' ol' England, I'm only vaguely aware of the lady you interviewed.

    Still, I'm reckoning she's seems like a good candidate to come and become part of our British political system.

    Actually, I'm wondering what else she's going to do with the cucumber. Ignore me! :)

    Gary :) x

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  27. Hilarious! Now everytime I see Martha, I'll picture her licking a cucumber, hahah! Thanks for that. (:

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  28. Licking a cucumber?!! LMBFAO!!! You do write the best IWSG interviews. Can I make a request? I would so love to have you do an interview with stick princess Keira Knightley. While counting her ribs and poking people with her collarbones Keira claims that she is just naturally that thin, that she has never had an eating disorder and was "fat" when she did King Arthur and Bend It Like Beckham. Yeah right. Just asking, feel free to ignore completely. :) Hugs!!

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  29. Lisa, if only she was still in jail, her cell would be pretty in pink.

    Susan, that's funny. Yeah, she likely shoves a cucumber in her mouth when she needs amusement.

    BabySis, yeah, I know. 73 or so! I don't want to say she looks good, because I loathe her, but she used to be a model. Her earlier photos look nothing like her.

    Lexa, she does have a huge ego. I'm surprised so many people feed it too. She's got millions of fans. (Stupid people.)

    Thanks, Anthony. I'm glad for you that you don't see much of her.

    BnB, good suggestion. She likely has a delightful recipe for prison toilet wine, with a fine pink ribbon wrapped fancily around the bottle.

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  30. Bev, I'm not certain, but I don't think either is prickly on the outside. At least, none of the ones I've licked - er, eaten with dinner - were.

    Theresa, sorry about the paint, but I'm not surprised.

    Gary, I think she'd be perfect for the British government. Please take her into your country. Please. And I'm always seeking Gary. Wink.

    Elise, my pleasure, and I'm sorry.

    Melly, that's a great suggestion. Thank you. Upon research, I see that Keira is more flat chested than Justin Bieber. These women who weigh 6 pounds are incredibly delusional and disturbing.

    Thanks all.
    Keep a smile.
    xoRobyn

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  31. You had me at licking cucumbers.
    Side note: just started reading the Jen Lancaster "Tao of Martha" book. Meh. There's $12 I'll never get back.

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  32. You are lucky she didn't brandish that cucumber as a weapon. Nice interview Robyn!

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  33. This is absolutely hilarious. When I saw your comment on Alex's blog, I was afraid maybe you interviewed the real Martha for your day job and I might get sued for defamation or something. :-)

    My homeless Martha is almost as ditzy as this, but a little more human. She does try to redecorate the local homeless shelter...and a homeless guy's tent.

    I'm so glad I found your blog!

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  34. Sorry, Dawn. I don't trust anything Martha.

    Pat, you're right. She's probably hunting me down now, though, armed with two cucumbers.

    Thanks so much, Anne. I've gotta get ahold of your book. I'm so glad for our connection too. It's hilarious we both had Priss Martha in mind at the same time!

    Cheers!
    xoRobyn

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