And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Woman on the Verge of Paradise: Pizza Non-delivery


“CALL ME! I CANT GET A HOLE OF YOU!”

Mr. Salsa’s email erupted with urgency, so I called him immediately.

“Hi, it’s Robyn.”

“Oh hey girl, yeah, my emails to you keep coming back.” But I just got your email message. In fact, that’s why I’m calling. “And you’re not on my Facebook page.” Yeah I prefer you don’t have easy access to all the writing I’m doing about you, Mr. Salsa.

“Well, I don’t like to spend much time on Facebook” I explained.

“So what are you doing right now?” 

“Not much, some writing projects. It’s a lazy day. I’m still in my pajamas. What about you?”

“I just drove my roommate to the Sacramento Airport.” He has the place to himself, wants me to know it. “So do you want to come over for pizza? You can come in your pajamas.” He giggled.

Admittedly, I was tempted. When a woman hasn’t had "pizza" in a long, long time, she craves it. I’m not talking about anchovies, peppers, or any extra spice. No pepperonis either. Just the basic spread topped with sausage, and I’d be satisfied. Very satisfied.

Unconvinced of his “pizza” delivery skills, though, I came to my senses. “Thanks, but I’m going to stay in. Maybe another time.”

“Okay. Can I put your number in my phone?”

“Sure, I have yours now too.”

We ended the call. Crap! Did I just blow my only opportunity for "pizza" in this town?

I went dancing two days later. My friend Brandi and I sipped sodas while scoping out prospective partners. Mr. Salsa crossed the floor and headed towards me several times, only to ask the blonde svelte 20-somethingers for dances —and, perhaps, to share some "pizza." We didn’t talk or dance at all. Instead, I hit the floor with a few other men, then got bored and walked out with Brandi. Meanwhile, I noticed Mr. Salsa whirling a golden haired gal —no doubt in hopes of  "pizza."

En route home, I got a sudden urge to pull over.

“I’ll take an individual slice with sausage,” I told the guy at Round Table. “Please, extra sausage, and thick crust.” As he walked away to place my order, I continued: “Extra thick, and really, really hot. I'll blow on it. Hard too, but not crusty.” I wiped saliva from my chin.

It was the best pizza I had in a very, very long time.

32 comments:

  1. Can't get "a hole" of you? Okay, there's gotta be a joke in that, alone.

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  2. You are certainly a person who knows what she wants. Buy it yourself and later you don't need to thank anyone for it.

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  3. I'm just trying to type here. Now that was funny and Mr. Salsa's accent is priceless! A hole of you. Pizza, there's so much variety xo

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  4. Hi Robyn! Pizza sounds good about now!
    I just mentioned you on my blog.
    Bless you, girl!!

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  5. So much thick stuff and holes too, oh the jokes that could come due..hahaha...least you got what you wanted in the end.

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  6. Some times girl ... you leave me speechless! Laughing ... but speechless!

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  7. MsA, yeah, I didn't want to run with that innuendo. I know my followers are smart enough to do so on their own. Thanks.

    Stephen, nor do I have regrets the next morning. Well, that's not true. But a good slice of pizza's worth it.

    David, thanks so much.

    Marnie, true. The combinations are endless, and this is very exciting for someone who hardly ever has pizza.

    Cheryl, you're wonderful. Thank you.

    Pat, yes, and it was good.

    Beth, thanks Beth. Sometimes (actually, quite often) I leave myself speechless.

    Alex, I'm laughing loudly. It can't hurt to ask her. Make sure to get her order exactly right. She'll appreciate it.

    Thanks, all.
    xoRobyn

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  8. Can't get a hole of you huh? Hee hee. You poor thing. I hope the piza is the best you've ever had. :D

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  9. Something tells me the pizza you had was better than the pizza at Mr Salsa's place. His one probably had a hole in it.

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  10. now i want pizza! and it's all your fault! LOL!

    i really love your great sense of humour, my friend!

    xoxo

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  11. Mr. Salsa's sausage pizza would probably be delivered in 30 seconds or less. Julie

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  12. This post seriously made me laugh Robyn, hilarious stuff. It's weird how it's made me very hungry for actual pizza right now haha.

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  13. LOL! Very funny, very clever!

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  14. Ah, temptation & urges – it’s a wise woman who knows just how and when to succumb to them… It also helps to be skilled in the art of double entendre to then share this wisdom with others!

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  15. "Just the basic spread topped with sausage, and I’d be satisfied. Very satisfied."
    Robyn, you just made my day. BWA HAHAH HAAAAA!!
    I have to say, I had ill advised "pizza" back in my day, in college. I am proud of you for keeping your "pizza" standards high!
    ooxoo
    --Dawn

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  16. Now, I am laughing and scratching my head at the same time. Are we on the same level with all this pizza talk, the hole or sum of it?

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  17. Lol I love the innuendos all over this post. Made me giggle multiple times :)

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  18. Ames, it was satisfying. Thanks.

    GB, something tells me the same. I don't think delivery would've gone well.

    Betty, sorry, but I hope you got some steamy, appetizing pizza. Smiles.

    Julie, LOL. I think that's a safe estimate. I'll stick with Round Table.

    YW, thank you. I made myself hungry for actual pizza too.

    Wayne, thanks so much.

    Terra, I'm glad you liked it. Thank you, friend.

    Beth, thank you. I don't know about wise, just hungry for good (or at least acceptable) pizza.

    Dawn, I'm flattered. The aftertaste of ill-advised pizza is the worst, isn't it?

    Rek, yes, all, the hole,AND sum of it - so many different ways to reflect on pizza.

    cest, I'm glad to cause you multiple giggles. =) Thank you.

    I hope you all have good pizza sometime in the near future.
    xoRobyn

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  19. You are so darn funny! Sometimes, we just have to make our own pizza.
    Dr. Ruth says it's okay...

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  20. I could use a little extra sausage at this point.

    I have joined the tribe of celibacy and am proud of it.

    I think.

    I will let you know in a month...

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  21. Oh dear... disappointing sausage... maybe it's time to go Vagi-terian?

    ;)

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  22. So, wait a minute, you mean there was a double meaning behind all this pizza talk?
    That's what I get for liking calzones.
    By the way, if you "come in your pajamas" it would be waste.
    And maybe messy.
    Okay, gonna call Dominos for a large pie.
    WITHOUT sausage.
    'Cause that's the way I roll.

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  23. You're getting a little spicey now, girlfriend. Remember, that sausage goes stright to your thighs--I mean really!

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  24. I haven't had "pizza" in so long, I can't even remember! This was so incredibly funny! Oh and? He would have lost me at "I can't get a HOLE of you" ---word!

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  25. Pat, thanks for reminding me of that wise woman's advice. And for appreciating my humor.

    NotSoSimply, I know what you mean. It's easiest to be proud of celibacy when there's no good pizza anywhere around.

    Anthony, I think you're right. Good word play with the Vagi-tarian. ;-) Thanks.

    Al, a double meaning? I'm just talking about solo, individual pizza that I devour whenever I get the urge. What did you think I meant? Wink.

    Tammy, I think something's a bit off in the delivery if it goes straight to the thighs. But what do I know? I hardly ever eat pizza.

    Yvonne, LOL - Word, sister!

    xoRobyn

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  26. Taking cold shower.

    THANKS Robyn!@

    J

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