Tuesday, January 24, 2012

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reason #167: Mr. Ribald's Epistle

It’s less common but more annoying than morons who can’t spell “I”: people who typically use words most folks have never heard before. Yep, I dated this one too, a couple weeks ago. 

He “favorited” me on a popular Internet dating site. His profile boasts a “ribald” and “trenchant” humor. [Both words are synonymous with “obscene.”] Still, I thought, “He’s not a moron. How refreshing.” I sent a brief, friendly “hello.” Note to self: dumb move.

Mr. Ribald responded: “What an unalloyed pleasure to receive your epistle.” Epistle? I didn’t know I had one to give. [Epistle means letter.] Slightly intrigued, I agreed to a phone chat. Epistle to self: dumber move.

The phone conversation was irritating, as I didn’t have a dictionary or the Internet within reach. Still, I thought it might be nice to have a walking Roget by my side. I thus agreed to what he enthusiastically termed a “meet and greet.” Epistle to self: dumbest move.

We met at T. Fusion, my favorite café, and he paid for my Chocolate Chai Tea Frost. Mr. Ribald is decent looking and outgoing, but his attempts to impress involved crude jokes. 

I sat in bored irritation watching his lips move, sipping my Frost, until he finally delivered a punch-line with the word “balls.”

“That’s not funny,” I responded.

Mr. Ribald tried again, offering jokes with different creatures that walk into a bar.

“Nope, not funny.”… “Not funny either…” “I’m still not laughing.”

“Well you tell me a joke,” he insisted.

“I don’t do one-liners. It’s not my kind of humor. ”

Exasperated, he declared, “I think you don’t have a sense of humor, so this isn’t going to work. I wouldn’t have anything to say on our second date...I feel judged.” Mr. Ribald abruptly and dramatically stood up and began walking out. As the people at the next table subtly eyed me with compassion, I casually took time to consume the last of my Frost, found a napkin on the floor that needed discarding, and began strolling out behind him.

Mr. Ribald stopped and turned around to apologize. I’d apparently pushed his unalloyed ribald buttons or epistle-like trenchant nerves by failing to appreciate crude jokes.“It was entirely my fault,” he admitted.

We shook hands and wished each other well.

I’m left wondering if Mr. Ribald’s large, trenchant vocabulary serves as compensation for a small epistle he keeps hidden..? I’ll never know, and that’s a good thing. So is celibacy.

35 comments:

  1. At least you got a free drink from this jerk.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I echo what Stephen said. No guys ever pay for anything of mine. They try to make it to where I have to pay for them but that doesn't happen either.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You should have said you do indeed have a sense of humor, he just wasn't funny! You'd think he could have at least save the crude, for a second date. Guess he never makes it that far and feels he has to shoot his wad on the first meeting.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your chocolate drink had more personality than he did. I don't know of any places around here that serve chocolate frozen tea drinks. I bet if you stuck around long enough for another drink or two, he would've supplied you with enough words for the A to Z Challenge. Sometimes you have to take one for the team! Julie

    ReplyDelete
  5. This guy sounds an absolute jerk to me. It's great that you were able to verbally spark him out and tell him his jokes weren't funny and neither was he, damn this guy sounds such a moron.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You rock, Robyn. I would've politely laughed at all those stupid jokes. Then I'd have spent the next three weeks avoiding his texts and calls. Way to shut him down. What a woman!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Stephen and Amanda, yeah, but it's because he already knew I have an issue with tightwads. Plus he was clear it would only be one drink and nothing else.

    MsA, agreed. Maybe some of the women around here (the ones missing teeth and hanging out in bars) appreciate crude jokes on a first date...?

    Empty, good point about the A-Z Challenge. I like it. Thanks.

    Yeamie, thanks for your support as always.

    Dawn, I'm typically too polite like you. Don't know what got into me, besides the chocolate chai, but when the dude said I have no sense of humor...I'd still like to kick some ribald ***.

    Happy Wednesday, all.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  8. Chocolate Thai Tea Frost - as good as that sounds, you should have ordered 2

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think he needed an audience rather than a date. I wonder how many women he's bored before you. Congratulations on ending it quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sorry to be crude but that was 'pee your pants' funny. Better you than me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Just another time when the internet isn't so sublime. Where they all lurk, each and every jerk. Even with made up words be better off dating the birds..haha

    ReplyDelete
  12. Robyn, please contact CJ Schlottman whose trying to get a blog about dating sites going. Her blog is My Mismatched Life, and I know she would love to hear from you.

    A guy in our golf club is kind of like that guy. I hate to see him coming! We had to play 9 holes with him once and it was all I could do to not behead him with my 5 iron.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oy! Do men really think big words and a crude sense of humor are what it takes to make a woman want to date them?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Guess women couldn't stand his obtuse Shakespearian overtures, hence the morbid, decadent attempt at depraved humour.
    May be he will attain enlightenment as to the obsolescence of his dating techniques and reformed behaviour mark his future avatar.
    Till then, makes for a great tale. ;D

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think I would need a dictionary for some of those words.
    I think you are right about compensating.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good thing you passed. Methinks he may have possessed a rapist like wit.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Large vocabulary and crude jokes - that's a very odd combination.
    Really, Robyn - when's the book coming out on all of these experiences and dating service blurbs? Id' buy it!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Baygirl, yeah, I keep going back for "just one more." They're heavenly.

    GB, I think I'm a lot classier than the other women he's dated. (Doesn't say much.) I may've been the first to not laugh.

    Faraways, I'm really glad. Really, if my misery brings laughter, I'm happy. And hopefully you've got plenty of clean undies to draw from.

    PatHatt, I can't argue with that. Your rhyme's quite true and for that I thank you.

    Judie, yes, I'm been to and am following her site. But I haven't visited in a while, so I'll drop by. THANKS. And he's lucky you didn't grab the 5 or 9 iron or just an iron. Those pretentious talkers are annoying as hell, aren't they?

    Johana, it is rather bewildering. What shocked me most was that he stood me up and left DURING the date.

    Rek, maybe, but not likely. Love your lingo; I can figure all those words out in context. And you are never ribald. Thanks.

    Ruth, LOL, thanks for agreeing.

    AlP, me thinks you're right.

    I'm plugging away, Alex. I'm not nearly as quick with the pen (keyboard) as you. But it's on its way...one of these days or years. =)

    Thank you, all.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  19. Robyn,

    Wonder how much he paid for his Word a Day calendar? Love your vocabulary though and the fact you know how to use it correctly.

    ReplyDelete
  20. not only a jerk, but a pretty boring guy...congrats on ending it quickly.

    big hugs, sis!
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. LMAO. Way to handle him, Robyn. Sounds like he had a small weenus..em..epistle.

    You are too special for a ding dong like that. And much smarter. He has to have big words to make himself look smart. You just are smart.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh...and sense of humor. Maybe he should read about himself on your blog. Very funny. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  23. oh Robyn, too funny! I agree with some on here, at least you got a free drink!

    ReplyDelete
  24. This Dictionary walked into a bar-- made a gang sign and loudly said, "Word Up?"

    No one responded so he yelled- "BALLS!"


    Love you!!!

    I have a trench-coat--trenchant- sorry for words!
    and I Know you are laughing at my delivery of this Epistle!

    LYMI--

    J

    ReplyDelete
  25. lol i love your stories. I don't spell well ether but i don't really claim to be a writer. Well anyway keep telling us your stories. I cant get enough of them :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. These need to be collected and published. This was my favorite one yet.

    ReplyDelete
  27. And that's why I love you, all of you, my dear readers! You keep me laughing so I can dust my ego off and keep on trekking.

    Thank you kindly.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  28. “ribald” and “trenchant would be enough for me to think, Wanker!

    Well, I know you have a great sense of humour and don't mind a dirty joke, but he was taking a risk trying it out on the first date.. besides, joke telling on a first date ain't a good idea at all... what's wrong with a normal conversation?

    It's a sad world out there Robyn. I'm feeling for you girl!

    Still, it gives us a good laugh.. lol

    ReplyDelete
  29. Awesome, Robyn (although I'm sorry our entertainment had to come at the cost of a bad date for you). I learned the word "epistle" a couple of years ago from Ella Minnow Pea, which describes itself at the outset as an epistolary tale. It's a good book - I recommend it! :) - Becca C.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Me thinks the poor man had a bad case of epistle envy....

    ReplyDelete
  31. Pat, that's the best comment of the year thus far. "Epistle envy" <-love it! Thanks.

    Becca, I'm going to look up that book now. Thanks so much for commenting.

    Anthony, LOL. Yes, yes, those words are also synonymous with 'wanker.' I don't mind sharing or listening to dirty jokes in certain circumstances, it's true, but the jokes have to be funny.

    Jerzey, Cal, everyone, thank you for enjoying this ribald epistle.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  32. This is a great posting I have read. I like your article. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sounds like he has a Word-A-Day calendar and tried to use his new words in sentences as much as possible. At least he apologized and you got a free drink. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Wow. He sounds like a realll winner. But yes, at least you got a free drink!!

    ReplyDelete