On Why I Choose Celibacy Reasons #123-130: Orange Beer and Groin Children

Lifted directly from current on-line dating ads, here’s a sample of today’s most eligible bachelors. This batch illustrates my reasons #123-130 for maintaining celibacy. I’ve added comments as usual and despite the fact that I’m often rendered speechless by this painstaking process. But I hope you’ll enjoy. 

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REASON #123: If it is true that 20 percent of relationships start online, wouldnt it be wiser that we all realize that 80% DO NOT START ONLINE? If only I could just have the bar come to my house humm. Hanging out in the bar in our underwear would surely spark conversation immediately. I didn’t think it was possible but you just lowered the bar, babe.

REASON #124: please be sexy! Well ok, but please have at least one active brain cell!

REASON #125: I have this glass slipper and I'm looking for my princess who is just the right size. It seems I keep meeting the mean step sister and not my Cinderella. I always suspected that evil step-sister had a thing for cross-dressers.

REASON #126: love working out,riding my harley,hanging out with my groin children is such a great time,i love old rock music Elvis, skinnard and the blues. Um, you’ve got groin children? Not to judge, but you’re one sick b*stard!

REASON #127:  Still romanticly enclined just not so taken with the "domestic arrangement" It seems people forget why they are together in the first place when all you do is fight and stuggle over the day to day battles of life . I would love to have a special person to devote all my attention to and focus on the fun things like movies and dinners and dancing. Just dont want to hassle with who forgot to pay the car insurance,overdrafted the bank accout or left the cap off the tooth paste ....Life is Short....these very things can find u getting a lawer to help divide all of your stuff True, and it’s tough to find a good lawer. Did you try the weed-wacker aisle at OSH?

REASON #128: But seriously now. Ya Im a light hearted guy with a bit of whit. Ya seriously, your whit speaks for itself, darlin’.

REASON #129: I am ntelligent, attractive, available, romantic ,artistic. Financially stable. I like to travel. I like nature. My life is firing on all cylinders which for me feels like 1000 horsepower.  Woohoo! Ride em, cowboy! I’m so glad I is not part of your ntelligent plan.

REASON #130 thinks he’s a brilliant romance writer. I think he’s on something. Crystal Meth, perhaps? What do you think?

 We walk along the river and I watch sunlight broken by the maples dapple her hair. She smiles when she sees the poppies along the far bank and her voice strong and sure of their beauty speaks endlessly about them. I love her voice, it floats like crystal meth? through the air and I could sit and listen to her speak about nothing and anything all day. You don’t have much of a life, do you, sir? Sometimes I would catch myself just watching her. Wow, those are some strong drugs. I love to watch her. Her movements are graceful and flowing while she walks along. Her beauty … It is angelic, unearthly….She laughs and I look away, sometimes it hurts if I look for too long. She says something about lip gloss and I pull the tube from my pocket and hand it to her. That’s rather coincidental and effeminate of you to carry lip gloss for these very moments. Our hands touch momentarily and I smile. It is the simple moments like this with her that I enjoy. No purpose, no agenda, just time.

We walk back to her place and she asks if I want another beer and presses a slice of orange into the top of the bottle. We clink our bottles together and I take a sip. I like her idea of a beer. It seems to taste better with a slice of orange and a slow dance. The dance ends and I look at her but it always takes her a moment to look back, I don’t know why. Maybe someday she will tell me. Maybe not. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe none of us wants to know, babe.

We move to the couch and sit in the sunlight. She puts her bare feet up on the footstool and snuggles into my shoulder. A slight breeze coming through the open window carries the smell of the tiny flowers hanging on the maples. Happy… It had always made me uncomfortable. It had always seemed alien. Happy was always something that happens right before something bad happens and I was feeling happy in spades. She hugs and kisses me before I leave and I laugh a bit. She eyes me with suspicion and questions my laugh. I ask her if it is alright for me to be happy and she smiles. On the other hand happy is the thing that happens before a bad thing happens. I laugh because I am happy, but I also laugh because I got a mental flash of my house burning down and it really didn’t bother me all that much.

Um, hm, that was your personal ad? It's longer than War and Peace! That was meant to attract a woman? Sweetie, first off: call 911 if your house is burning down! (Hint: press 9, then 1. Then another 1.) Next, go off of the drugs and the lip gloss. Then, put down the pen. Don't pick it up again. Ever. Just relax and enjoy orange beer alone.