Tuesday, August 30, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reasons #123-130: Orange Beer and Groin Children

Lifted directly from current on-line dating ads, here’s a sample of today’s most eligible bachelors. This batch illustrates my reasons #123-130 for maintaining celibacy. I’ve added comments as usual and despite the fact that I’m often rendered speechless by this painstaking process. But I hope you’ll enjoy. 
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REASON #123: If it is true that 20 percent of relationships start online, wouldnt it be wiser that we all realize that 80% DO NOT START ONLINE? If only I could just have the bar come to my house humm. Hanging out in the bar in our underwear would surely spark conversation immediately. I didn’t think it was possible but you just lowered the bar, babe.

REASON #124: please be sexy! Well ok, but please have at least one active brain cell!

REASON #125: I have this glass slipper and I'm looking for my princess who is just the right size. It seems I keep meeting the mean step sister and not my Cinderella. I always suspected that evil step-sister had a thing for cross-dressers.

REASON #126: love working out,riding my harley,hanging out with my groin children is such a great time,i love old rock music Elvis, skinnard and the blues. Um, you’ve got groin children? Not to judge, but you’re one sick b*stard!

REASON #127:  Still romanticly enclined just not so taken with the "domestic arrangement" It seems people forget why they are together in the first place when all you do is fight and stuggle over the day to day battles of life . I would love to have a special person to devote all my attention to and focus on the fun things like movies and dinners and dancing. Just dont want to hassle with who forgot to pay the car insurance,overdrafted the bank accout or left the cap off the tooth paste ....Life is Short....these very things can find u getting a lawer to help divide all of your stuff True, and it’s tough to find a good lawer. Did you try the weed-wacker aisle at OSH?

REASON #128: But seriously now. Ya Im a light hearted guy with a bit of whit. Ya seriously, your whit speaks for itself, darlin’.

REASON #129: I am ntelligent, attractive, available, romantic ,artistic. Financially stable. I like to travel. I like nature. My life is firing on all cylinders which for me feels like 1000 horsepower.  Woohoo! Ride em, cowboy! I’m so glad I is not part of your ntelligent plan.

REASON #130 thinks he’s a brilliant romance writer. I think he’s on something. Crystal Meth, perhaps? What do you think?

 We walk along the river and I watch sunlight broken by the maples dapple her hair. She smiles when she sees the poppies along the far bank and her voice strong and sure of their beauty speaks endlessly about them. I love her voice, it floats like crystal meth? through the air and I could sit and listen to her speak about nothing and anything all day. You don’t have much of a life, do you, sir? Sometimes I would catch myself just watching her. Wow, those are some strong drugs. I love to watch her. Her movements are graceful and flowing while she walks along. Her beauty … It is angelic, unearthly….She laughs and I look away, sometimes it hurts if I look for too long. She says something about lip gloss and I pull the tube from my pocket and hand it to her. That’s rather coincidental and effeminate of you to carry lip gloss for these very moments. Our hands touch momentarily and I smile. It is the simple moments like this with her that I enjoy. No purpose, no agenda, just time.

We walk back to her place and she asks if I want another beer and presses a slice of orange into the top of the bottle. We clink our bottles together and I take a sip. I like her idea of a beer. It seems to taste better with a slice of orange and a slow dance. The dance ends and I look at her but it always takes her a moment to look back, I don’t know why. Maybe someday she will tell me. Maybe not. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe none of us wants to know, babe.


We move to the couch and sit in the sunlight. She puts her bare feet up on the footstool and snuggles into my shoulder. A slight breeze coming through the open window carries the smell of the tiny flowers hanging on the maples. Happy… It had always made me uncomfortable. It had always seemed alien. Happy was always something that happens right before something bad happens and I was feeling happy in spades. She hugs and kisses me before I leave and I laugh a bit. She eyes me with suspicion and questions my laugh. I ask her if it is alright for me to be happy and she smiles. On the other hand happy is the thing that happens before a bad thing happens. I laugh because I am happy, but I also laugh because I got a mental flash of my house burning down and it really didn’t bother me all that much.
Um, hm, that was your personal ad? It's longer than War and Peace! That was meant to attract a woman? Sweetie, first off: call 911 if your house is burning down! (Hint: press 9, then 1. Then another 1.) Next, go off of the drugs and the lip gloss. Then, put down the pen. Don't pick it up again. Ever. Just relax and enjoy orange beer alone.

31 comments:

  1. All of these were funny, but the last one #130 was hilarious. Yup, if it wasn't meth, he was puffing something!

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  2. celibacy is something I could never handle...

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  3. *shakes head* And it just gets worse.

    That last one is...um...well...yeah.

    Groin Children?! Really? *shakes head some more*

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  4. That last one gave me chills... and not in a good way.

    Groin children? Hahahahahahaha!

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  5. Holy craziness, Batman! I am so glad I am not single. Because groin children might actually be the newest STD. And a beer with an orange slice in it is a metaphor for "hey baby, I'm off my meds and on a bad acid trip, let's get naked 'cause I've got lip gloss"

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  6. The last one took the cake rather crystals and beer...
    The Groin guy wasn't totally off the tangent ...after all his chief claim to immortality comes from around there...
    And the first guy does have a point...I'd tell him to throw open his home bar...maybe some one LIKE MINDED will turn up for free drinks...
    Robyn...u know how to spread some cheer ...

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  7. I think the last one was looking for a literary agent rather than a girlfriend. Beer with a slice of orange sounds interesting, though. Maybe you should ask him if he has other recipes.

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  8. I have been married for nearly 30 years yet I find these ads amazingly interesting. Your interpretation makes them funny too but it is fascinating to see what angles each person tries to stand-out from the crowd. Good stuff!!! W.C.C.

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  9. "I’m so glad I is not part of your ntelligent plan." - priceless, Robyn!!

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  10. I was going to say that #127 take the cake...but then I read #130. Holy cow!!! This is some very scary stuff!! (shivers with horror!)

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  11. #126- Maybe he meant to write children of my loins and got confused. It happens.

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  12. HILARIOUS!

    oh, that last one gave me chills!

    you're awesome, robyn!

    betty xx

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  13. That was hilarious...oh cracks me up so bad. Groin children. Where do you find this guys? I'm glad I'm married. The dating scene is no longer for me. Besides, I can't be celibate. :)

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  14. Here's your compliment today (because you so deserve it). I read approximately 150-200 blogs per day. (That's down from 300+). When I get to your "celibacy" posts, I stop and read EVERY WORD, rather than just quickly skim through. I want to savor every word....because I don't want to miss any laughs! Yeah, you're that good. :) Luv ya!

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  15. Your comments always make me laugh, my friends. Thannk you.

    Marnie, yeah. He's puffer, alright.

    Timothy, it ain't ideal but, given the options, it is ideal.

    Frisky, I'm shaking along with you.

    MsA, LOL. We'll never forget about those groin children.

    Julie, your comment is awesome! Love it, especially "let's get naked 'cause I've got lip gloss."

    Rek, you're too kind (to cut these guys slack). I love your interpretations.

    GB, true. He probably really thinks he's a brilliant writer.

    WCC, thanks. Funny thing is, they don't really stand out. The ones that stand out are the ones who sound normal and can articulate a logical thought.

    xoRobyn

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  16. Alex, glad you liked (and caught on to) that one!

    Darlene, even though it's close to 100 degrees here, I'm shivering too.

    Ruth, I suppose it's possible but I'm not willing to give him a chance. What if I decided to introduce me to his groin children?

    Betty, you're awesome too. Thanks.

    Laila, yeah, it ain't pretty out there. Glad you don't have to find out for yourself.

    Marlene, I am so very honored. I love ya!

    Nita, I'm happy for you too.

    xoRobyn

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  17. Groin children!!! I am absolutely laughing my groin off...OMFG!!! Those were priceless, Robyn.

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  18. put down the lipgloss, ah ha ha! That's some funny stuff.
    How are you my friend... how's Paradise?
    You got big plans for Labor Day?
    Lots of love to you Robyn
    gi gi

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  19. These are funny, but the last one is unreal! Not only he's wordy, he's not good at all. I have no clue what he's talking about. Poor woman--whoever that may be--he's drinking and dancing with!

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  20. Funny post, also sad to know the frustrations you are going through, but remember you find 1 good guy and it is all worth the trouble. Luckily we can both resort to writing when dating gets too frustrating. ;-)

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  21. OMG!! Let's be celibate together and we can laugh our arses off at these things! I can't believe this stuff? Is it for real real??
    's!! I must look at some of the women's entries!

    LOVE YOU MEAN IT!!!! and I'm ntelligent TWO!


    John Boy

    Wait--she'll probably make fun of John Boy--

    I mean,

    LYMI


    John I must look at some of the women;'

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  22. These (as always) are great! I especially like the "groin children." Seriously thoug, aren't all children, "groin" children.

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  23. Reason #123: You mean you're NOT supposed to hang out (hee...hee..."hang" out) in a bar in your underwear? So that's why they threw me out of TGIF.
    Reason #126: "Groin" children. Anatomically speaking, he's correct.
    Reason #129: He pikced the perfcet wrod to mispsell, huh?

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  24. Pat and Al, alright. We'll give the guy his "groin children". So long as I don't have to see 'em!

    Al, that he id.

    John, please share some women's postings. Do they have "groin children" too? I love you bud, and I know you're ntelligent. xoxo

    Nadeem, thanks. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't able to make people laugh about my miserable (non)dating life. It makes me happy. Really.

    Sarah, I know. I tried to find merit in his writing but failed. I can't even reconcile orange beer. Yuck.

    Gigi love, thank you. This post about sums it up for me. Smiles.

    Chuck, it's an unforgettable term. I'm starting to feel sorry for those groins.

    You all (and your groin children) have a wonderful weekend!
    xoRobyn

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  25. Ah, is a bank accout like gout?

    ahaha, seriously, don't these guys read over what they've written?

    It's a veritable gold mine out there Robyn! You could keep this going for years!
    lol

    ntelligent AND available.

    Wow. How could any 'laddys' pass this up?

    Spellcheck dickwads.
    lol
    Dropkicks.

    =]

    ps great work!

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  26. Yet again your extracts have me astounded that there are such stupid men out there.

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  27. That war and peace writer ...well he seems to have grabbed those poppies and smoked the whole field! Holy cow! That one was just too much! I almost did a spit take all over my computer...this post was too funny!
    Blessings, Joanne

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  28. Anthony, Rosalind and Joanne, I am laughing heartily at your comments. Thanks so much. It is appalling and he likely did eat all those poppies...dickwads, dropkicks.

    Thanks!
    xoRobyn

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  29. Groin children? Really?? And that last guy...wow. Disturbing.

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