Tuesday, August 9, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reason #122: Mr. Chipper

Some men think they’re all that and a bag of Cool Ranch Dorito Chips. Some just trudge along with three-ton chips on their shoulders. [Please note that I realize many women are this way too. I just don’t date women...not quite yet.]

Back to my point. Let’s attend to one male specimen. We’ll call him Mr. Chipper. Chipper and I met, of course, on Plentyoffish.com. We exchanged a few standard pleasantries.  I told Chipper about my job, my move from the Bay Area, and some of my favorite hobbies. In turn, the Chipster informed me about his chronic medical condition, unemployment, and fiscal woes. 

Here's the bulk of Chipper’s third email to me: So, you've been in Chico for a little over 5 month and you have a job...I know of someone else who was here under a year and got a job. I'm feeling like the girl on the movie Sixteen Candles, where the town person can't get what the new kid in town seems to have no problem with. Oh no you didn’t. You didn’t just reference Sixteen Candles. Did you, Chip?! UN-pre-pubescent-sexually-confused-girlie- boy-who’s-stuck-in-1984-BELIEVABLE!

My restrained reply: Sorry. I’ve had long stints of unemployment too, and I know how hard it is. The fact that you’re getting interviews is a good sign something will come through eventually. Take care.

Chip fought back with this: Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure you want to continue chatting though. I don't see a question for me to answer for you and you close with take care. So do you want to chat/think there is a possible friendship here? I can make it easy for you. If you want to continue to chat write me back, if not just ignore me.

My reply: Just to let you know, I was a bit put off by your comments about me having a job as a town newbie, as if I don’t deserve it or should apologize or something.  Still, I responded with compassion. 
Given our correspondences have regressed to a pretty somber tone, I don’t wish to continue but I do wish you luck.

Chiphead’s next move? He immediately deleted his profile altogether. 
Shame. I have this dedication ready for him. We'll go with it anyway. 
This one's for you, Mr. Chipper:


32 comments:

  1. Where do you find these losers? I'm worried that he feels like a girl...

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  2. Dang girl ... Plentyoffish looks a LOT better on their TV commercials! I'm glad you have a good sense of humor!

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  3. Sensitive fellow. Perhaps he should have specified that he was only interested in unemployed women.

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  4. All that and Molly Ringwald, too (she'd be in her 40s now).
    After watching that trailer, I'm afraid the Gender Police are going to show up at my front door and demand I surrender my penis.
    Don't be too hard on Mr. Chipper. Must be tough living in his mom's basement.

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  5. Another Winner!
    There should be a hit squad to find these guys and remove them. You know, to help perpetuate and improve our species...

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  6. LOL. Your magnet must need oiling. You're attracting the wrong types of guys. I can't believe he deleted his profile. :)

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  7. There are decent ones out there.
    Somewhere.

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  8. Suppose he was chatting via his WHITE ROUND ROOM somewhere between medication doses?

    Sheesh...

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  9. LOL. Thanks, all. He's a freak of nature but I did enjoy watching that trailer. It's a good movie, long forgotten by most of us.

    Al, if you're wearing those tighty whiteys when they arrive, don't worry. Your manliness will be obvious.

    xoRobyn

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  10. Maybe u should have mollycoddled him... :) the fishes are out there...u need to move away from the Atlantic

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  12. Every time I look at that dating site name, I see "Plenty Offish".

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  13. Ha, his first reply had me laughing out loud. I'm glad you're so honest with these guys, though. You get your point across. If I were in your shoes I would've just ignored him...but then I'm afraid he would've kept asking and asking and asking why I didn't reply.

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  14. If you do start dating women I expect you to be graphic in your descriptions of those encounters. And if you could both wrestle in a library I would like that too...oh excuse me, what was my point? Oh yeh..picky picky picky. I think unlike that fine fellow that you are just afraid to love.

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  15. Let's hope he never perpetuates the gene pool. Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting.

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  16. No way ! Are you sure this guy was an adult ? What an immature baby...as far as I can tell, another successful escape from disaster...flushing away all traces of him forever was the right thing to do !

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  17. Tighty-whiteys make my eyes bug out.
    I'm sorry. I was deliberately exaggerating. Alas, there's so much room I could fit John and Kate Plus Eight in there.

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  18. I reference Sixteen Candles about each week. Sometimes I slip Pretty in Pink as well.

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  19. Oooooh.....that one has a chip on his shoulder as big as a Redwood!

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  20. Thanks for the laughs. You are all fantastic! I love your comments.

    Kal, the library? Which aisle? Sci-fi or YA Fantasy?

    MsA, Offish is appropriate. I like that.

    Shan, you're more mature. He didn't want a response and I was a bit peeved, so I gave him one.

    Carol, let's hope not! Thanks for the follow. I'm glad to join the Tiki Hut party.

    PTM, LOL. Pretty in Pink? I should be grateful he didn't throw that one into the mix.

    xoRobyn

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  21. He behaved like a twelve-year-old and you handled the whole thing not only with class, but with a compassionate slap on his face too. Well done!

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  22. I'm a male, and I have always identified with Ducky. Call me crazy.

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  23. ...not quite yet. lol. Maybe soon then!

    Your writing is getting funnier, I swear. These guys just keep giving you so much fodder! haha

    Maybe next time, don't tell them where you live! They scare me!

    :)

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  24. O.M.G.!!! It's like a neverending nightmare! At least, that's how my latest dates have been. lol

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  25. Sarah, too funny. I really appreciate it.

    Shockgrubs, Ducky was the best character by far. He's an endearing guy. I would've gone for him.

    Anthony, it's like they know just when I need a good dose of fodder. That's about all they're good for. Thanks for the protective comments. Chico's got about 90,000 people so they'd be hard pressed to find me (and stupid to mess with me).

    xoRobyn

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  26. Thanks Yvonne. It's good to know someone else is going through this too. Too bad we live in different states. I'd say let's go for drinks and more drinks and then a few more. Plus some chocolate too.
    xoRobyn

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  27. Sorry to hear about your bad luck, but I don't think I could ever choose celibacy

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  28. I love the fact that you have levels to your reply. The restrained one made me crack up since I know you too well. You must've gritted your teeth down to the base. BTW ...is plentyoffish code for jdate?

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  29. Timothy, thanks. So it really is better dating women? Hmmm..

    CB, lol. Yes, it's code for "The free version of jdate and you get what you pay for people. Stop k'vetching!"

    xoRobyn

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  30. Haha. That's an awesome dedication. :) If you keep getting the losers to delete their profiles, maybe you'll finally find a winner??



    Maybe?


    <3

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  31. Chip Head is a Dick Head! Talk about RED FLAGS :) loved this post.

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