Wednesday, July 20, 2011

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reasons #116-120: The Dude's Seeking A Woam!

Taken directly from current and local on-line dating ads, my reasons for celibacy continue. The ad snippets are below, in regular font, and my comments are boldly italicized. Did I mention pickings are slim 'round here? Here's a representative sample.

PS If my posts aren't showing up in your google reader, unfollowing and then re-following via GFC should do the trick - fingers crossed! Thanks!!
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Thanks to google images for having many options of "Woam" graphics to choose from!

Reason #116: I'd like to find someone who shares the same values as me. I’m with you. You might just be my soul mate. Someone who hopes for the best of people and the future. Absolutely, honey. Did I mention you have nice blue eyes? Someone who enjoys animals and ranching. Animals? Sure. Now I’m getting kinda excited. Ranching? You mean that dressing that tastes good on carrots? Love it!  I would like to build a 4000 acre, off-the-grid ranch for my children and their children's children. A place with acreage set aside for BLM mustangs. A section of acreage for farming, livestock, wildland management and preservation, etc. The ranch would utilize wind, solar and hydro-electric power. We would try to be as organic and self-sustaining as possible. My significant other would have an interest in doing something like this as well. Whoa, farmboy… As much as I’d like to have an organic experience across 4000 acres, this gal’s staying on-grid.

Reason #117: I smoke like a train and drink like a construction worker, so you either have to keep up or tolerate it.  Sign me up (for the next train outta town. I'll take the seat next to the smokin' construction worker)!

Reason #118: Luck is what happends when preparation meets opportunity. This is my new headline because i beleive in it, Are you prepare? Uh, I’m not sure. are you thinking ahead? Yes. Do you have a plan? I’m posting your ad on my blog because you’re a weirdo. Do you beleive in positive thinking? Dude, see my last comment. Do you have a beleive? No and I don’t plan to get one any time soon.

Reason #119: I like to go out camping 4xing & like anything outdoors.In the summer I like camping & boating. I would like to find a good woam (*) that like to do some of what I like. *Out of curiosity spurred by ignorance (yours, not mine), I just researched "woam." Sir, it’s a radio station in Peoria, Illinois. You’re looking in the wrong part of the country. California has no woams. some one that I can cuddle up under the stairs. Make sure nobody’s coming down those stairs in the midst of a cuddle session. That could be a bit awkward. Been tolded I am a softy but also a kind heart man. just a big teddy bear here lol. I do like to bbq when I can & do like to go camping & am looking for some 1 that would like to go with me. I like to go out driving with my dog. Does he drive a stick, go off-roading, or just recline in cruise control?  

Reason #120: O.K. So here's my story and I'm sticking to it. Ever since they took that ankel bracelet off of me, both my parole officer and my therapist agree this could be a good thing for me so what the hell let's give this a try? Um, you’re serious. Aren’t you? Well..... I am an Entrepreneur, Certified Sex Instructor (first lesson free and senior discounts.) Medical Marijuana/Madjic Mushrooms/and Crank lab supplies. You’ve clearly had your share. 24 Hour Reptile/Jehovah's Witness/And Hazardous Waste Removal. DUI Check Points (with $1.00 Kamacazi Shots, and Happy Hour Specials). You’ve clearly had your share. Jury Dutie Stunt Double (I sit in for you all day, then piss off the F***in A hole, till he never wants to see your sorry ass in his court room again!! K9 and Divorce Atterney Neutering. Special Ed. Legal Advice. Illegel Advive. Marrige Counseling. Anger Management. Bail Bonds. Stiffs Burried. Child Care. Bible study and more. Pretty interesting guy aren't I? Sure, if “interesting” is the new “F****** offensive weirdo who can’t find spell check.” No thanks. I’ve clearly had my share.

30 comments:

  1. Wow. People seriously wrote this?
    God help smart single people everywhere.

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  2. And this is why I'm still a virgin. Robyn, I tell you, it's tough out there. Really, really tough. :/

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  3. Yeah... no, I don't think so. Doesn't anybody proof before posting those things??? Seriously? Even if he's joking, that last one is just plain scary.

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  4. I wouldn't be surprised if they found ACTUAL skeletons in the last guy's closet.....*Shiver*!
    Blessings, Joanne

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  5. Hilarious! This is why I'm becoming a nun! ;)

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  6. The last guy says he's a certified sex instructor who gives discounts to seniors. I think he must be a granny chaser.

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  7. Yes - I don't blame you for celibacy, Robin.. After
    reading this, I am celibate, too. In fact, I think my girly bits dried up. I am no longer a woam.

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  8. I worry for you, Robyn. Your local 'talent' seems to be getting weirder by the week. Maybe you should move to the UK where the guys are much nicer... aren't they? Or am I just being naive?

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  9. And, I'm sure these guys think that they are sooooo clever! Scarey!!

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  10. I watched a show a few weeks ago about a woman who really truly is a sex counselor. She 'treats' men who are afraid of sex by having sex with them...in her home, while her husband is at work. Maybe she and this guy should hook up?

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  11. Ruth, amen! Thanks.

    Frisky, thanks for commiserating.

    Ms.A, I agree. It scared the heck outta me. I deleted some of it that was just over-the-top offensive too.

    Joanne, true. See my comment to Ms.A.

    Yvonne, I'm with you, Sister! I plan to make history as the world's first Jewish nun!

    GB, yeah, that part was pretty nauseating in and of itself. Can he say Harold and Maude? I think so.

    Dawn, LOL. He does scare the woam out of the gal.

    Rosalind, thanks. I suspect it's scary all over. But they're probably not as weird in the UK. (?) Someday, I'll have to go over there and check out the scene.

    Darlene, that's the thing - they think they're all that and a bag of cool ranch doritos. Please!

    Noelle, I've heard of counselors like that. We should connect those two, especially if she's a senior. He'd give her a discount.

    Thanks, all!
    xoRobyn

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  12. Wow Robyn! All of the Woams and Wombs in your area had better close up shop if those are the local customers!

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  13. After serious consideration I decided I too would like to work as a Jury Duty Stunt Double. It is your "dutie" to date this man to learn the tricks of the trade. Maybe he is a master of disguise, and even sits in for woam! Just take a dictionary and some mace with you and you'll be fine! Julie

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  14. Sounds like you may have to find one who is trainable! Yikes!

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  15. These always rock!
    I'll try that trick. So frustrating that it doesn't appear. I'm not avoiding you, I promise!

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  16. They are all freaks, but that first dude takes the cake! He is way too planned out. Hell, he's already thinking of his children's children. And I'm SURE he has all the money needed to buy all that land and a build that giant ranch.


    Robyn, as always, your comments have me cracking up.

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  17. Oh, I pee myself... LOVE 118. I was with rancher boy til he started with thousands of acres and mustangs, but I gotta respect a dude who knows what he wants.
    remind me to tell you of the ex con who applied for a job at my old office.

    As for me, I have decided to remain celibate until God THROWS someone at me and makes him inescapable... or as I call it, like a visa card. Everywhere I want to be (but not planned, purely coincidental... planned would be a stalker)

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  18. well who doesn't want to find a good woam, lol?

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  19. Robyn, this is hilarious. Had to bop over to thank you for your comment and trying to take me to 400. I think it took me to 399. You're an angel.
    Karen

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  20. LMAO!! These are some of the reasons I'm still single as well. I had one guy who considered his heroes Jesus and his mom, still lived with aforementioned mother (can we say 45 year old basement dweller) and was looking for a good woomin to take care of him. Another asked me if I didn't mind that he was already seeing someone because he liked having two at once. My head just thunked the desk after that one.

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  21. I'm laughing at "woam"!!!!!

    And yes, I am so happy that I am able to see your posts once again!!!!

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  22. Melissa, I dated that 45 year old basement dweller too! Seriously. I'm so sorry. We must go for drinks and head-thunking sometime!
    xoRobyn

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  23. Thanks, all. I have a cousin in Peoria. I must ask her what she thinks of woam. Oy vey.
    xoRobyn

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  24. Wonder if they're any better down here? The woam reminded me of the Buddhist monk I met in Nepal many years ago who spoke about the bad 'omens' ... months of head scratching later I realised he was referring to bad women (prostitutes) that he'd seen on a trip overseas. Sue

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  25. You are such a funny woam!
    Another great (and funny) one Robyn!

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  26. Certified sex instructor?? Realy???? Wow...119 and 120 really take the cake.

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  27. "both my parole officer and my therapist agree this could be a good thing for me .."

    Must be a joke right? that's too funny..

    Someone should track these guys down and laser neuter them.. just in case... is that legal yet? It should be... Love to see a female equivalent.. bet theyre just as bad..

    :)

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  28. Oh Anthony, you've sent me RFLMAO.
    Thanks, bud.

    Sue, that's really interesting and pretty funny.

    Thanks, Pat.

    BabySis, I know. I know.

    xoRobyn

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  29. Hi, I came across your blog while searching the internet for websites related to rubbish removal. Anyway, I can only speak for myself, but I chose celibacy because I was fed up with men who just wanted sex and little else that I had to offer. I was fed up with men that only had that to offer. Sx is great but a steady diet of that and not much else gets old after a while. I want a man who appreciates me in and out of bed and one that I feel the same way about.

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