Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Unforgettable Dating Moment

The moment our eyes met, a surging wave of emotions held me captive. My heart raced and palms began sweating as he walked towards me, slowly and with a tentative confidence. A clumsy grin on his face and hopeful twinkle in his eyes, he clearly felt the same. Slowly, his feet led him closer and closer to my table in the active café. Alas, he extended his hand, and with nothing more than a brief lukewarm handshake, the moment had arrived. This was it. They say you just know these things, and I did. I knew he was it. He was the one: the one, the one hundred and fifty third blind date from hell.

It had all the makings: the Internet photo of a man two decades younger, 50 pounds lighter, and with a full head of hair; the attempts at conversation comprising awkward tedious sound bites pre and post awkward tedious sound bites. As I pondered whether the photo that I had delighted in was actually him or perhaps his son, or grandson even, he suggested we get in line for drinks. I must admit, this one was truly different. He stepped in front of me without hesitation to order first. My turn came, and he watched with silent deliberation as the cashier charged me $1 for a cup of hot cocoa that would, in theory, sustain me. The clock ticked, but time stood still. The eager cashier extended her hand to receive the money. The dude looked towards me, a dumbfounded “What are you waiting for?” expression across his face. I furiously dug into my purse for one freaking dollar, a single lousy freaking dollar, a single lousy stinking freaking dollar! (But I digress.) Chivalry was surely dead.

Back at the table, we alternately glimpsed at our wristwatches every 8 minutes, or seconds, or so. I fantasized about being home alone, clipping my toenails with focus and precision. He opened his mouth to release a barrage of hypnotic verbiage, including his love for his mother, his dutiful dog Edgar, and all kinds of things I that could not even begin to pretend to be remotely interested in. His cell phone rang. He took the call, smugly and without pause. He proceeded to make detailed plans for an upcoming fishing excursion, glancing at me intermittently with a look that said, “Aren’t I the coolest thing since Kool-Aid?” Moments became years, and he finally hung up, only to begin an excruciatingly specific monologue about his agenda for the rest of the weekend.

Luck was on my side, as I happened to notice I had a message on my cell. “Oh, you know, I have the ringer off, so I didn’t hear it. But I’ve been waiting on a call from my brother. He’s been having problems with his ovaries; I mean, uh, ulcers. It’s a bit of a tender subject, so you’ll have to excuse me while I step out to return the call.” I played frantic and distraught, not too difficult under the circumstances. I grabbed my purse and jacket and walked away briskly.

I reached into my purse, where I would have had a cell phone had I carried one. I grabbed my car keys and made a mad dash to my Integra. I never looked back. I’ll never forget that moment.

20 comments:

  1. Proud Moment Proud Moment LOL!!! I've had a "few" of those myself ;) FUNNY!!

    Aion

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  2. your brother's ovaries...lol! and they say women are vain? look how they post photos from 20 years and 50 lbs ago!

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  3. Great blog! I'm a veteran of too many of those types of dates to remember, so I feel your pain. The last one ended well, though, and we've been married 3 years almost. Hope your brothers ovaries are doing better! LOL!

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  4. Oh those dates... been on many like this. I love how you tell a story. I feel like I am sitting right there listening to you!

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  5. Bwahahaha. I thought this was going some boring sappy post, but no! That was hilarious. I could just imagine him sitting there doing all those things you said. Where is the shame?! Good for you. Run, Robyn, run!

    http://lifebeginsat30ty.blogspot.com/

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  6. Thanks all. I love that you feel my pain!

    Life, I don't do boring-sappy. Not intentionally anyway. Feel free to stop following, or have me shot and killed, if I do.

    Aion and Tgoette,are women just as unforgettable? Never mind, I suppose some OTHER women are..maybe..anything's possible? :)

    Here's to more forgettable moments ahead for us all?!
    xoRobyn

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  7. Ok I'm not going to comment on the post, but I will comment on the picture.

    YES! I love the THREE STOOGES WOOHOOO!!!!

    :)

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  8. This Ozarks farm chick has been married to my first and last blind date for 38 years. Sometimes is does end happily ever after and sometimes ya'll just gotta run for the hills!

    Have one terrific day!!!

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  9. They're called blind dates for a reason. Usually one or the other wishes they were blind. Thanks for the grins.
    Kurt

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  10. Ian, Curly, I would date (I mean, if he were alive and asked me out and all). The other 2 stooges, I can't stomach.

    Nezzy, great to have a visitor from the Ozarks, and to hear such a successful blind date story.

    Kurt, yes. Perhaps they should rename these encounters "blind & deaf" dates. Sometimes, it would be just as nice to not hear any of it.

    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

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  11. Too funny!!! My last blind date told me about his 1000 and 1 little known conspiracy theories..Charming..Now I know every time a plane goes overhead the government is dropping chemicals on us..Good to know!! shudder........

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  12. Seductress - I shudder for you on that one. Blind dates can be so informative. It's rather unfortunate. Stay chemical-free, and thanks for the comment.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  13. I just wanted to pop in and thank you for your visit and sweet comment over at my place.

    From the hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa, ya'll have a wonderfully blessed day!!!

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  14. How about "blind-sided" date? Or "bland" date? Actually I met my husband on a blind date mucho years ago. He paid for everything. And it's worked out nicely ever since. I think I would have dumped his cell phone into the hot chocolate---you paid for.

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  15. Ahh, BP, what a great idea. I wish it had popped into my mind. I guess I was too busy trying to stay awake.

    Nezzy, a big hug and "shout out" to y'all on the Missouri Ponderosa. So nice to keep visiting each other.

    xoRobyn

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  16. UUGGGHHH....I was squirming with you in this one.....great post!!!

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  17. I too have suffered the atrocities of internet dating. Funny post!!!

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  18. Thanks for feeling my stress, Mama Stress.

    Copyboy, thanks. Oy, the tsorres of internet dating. It is too much, yes? (Oops, no question mark follows this "question" when posed by a Jewish woman.)

    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  19. Here's another shout-out for The Stooges. That's a great pic for the content of the post.

    Fortunately I have had a good medium between good and bad internet dating stories. The bad being pretty much all of them (but boy are they funny to look back on now) and the good, which was my last internet dating experience and how I met my wife.

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  20. Glad the last one was the best for you, Geof. You give some of the rest of us hope.
    Thank you.
    Robyn

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