New Year, New Book, InSanity Cover Reveal!

"Never before has a book so completely changed my viewpoint on mental illness and suicide (with the exception of Moby Dick)."

-Ken Lynch, Author, Blogger, US Navy Veteran

• Please judge this book by the curls. Or read sample and decide.
• Available in Kindle e-book and paperback HERE.

I SO lucked out. Approximately one month ago, I put out a desperate plea for a local graphic designer. My new bestie, Steven Kistler, responded. We'd never met, but we did the very next day. I shared my vision, and he got busy. Steven decided to play with NASA's Hubble Space Telescope Images of the galaxies. This color combination was a glorious accident, and we both loved it. I'm beyond thrilled with his work. It's truly out of this world, yes? 

Out of the Darkness, Preventing Suicide and Fighting Stigma

Many people prefer to deny life's harsh truths. This doesn't change reality. (Wouldn't that be nice?) Fact is, depression and mental illness are rampant. They strike millions of people who have only one thing in common: they're human. These days and very sadly, most of us have lost loved ones to suicide, whether or not we acknowledge this publicly (or privately). 

Twenty-seven years ago, I lost my brother, Glenn-David Engel, to suicide. He'd been diagnosed with paranoid Schizophrenia. Only in the past several years have I come out with my story. And I've been honored to serve as Event Chair in 2014 and 2015 for our local Out of the Darkness Walk for suicide prevention.

This year's Walk took place on 10/10. Over 400 folks gathered from as far as 80 miles away to honor loved ones lost to suicide, to support each other, and to fight the stigma attached to mental illness. It was truly awesome. Though the greater community is impoverished in terms of dollars, it's rich in generosity and heart. We raised almost twice as much as ever - a grand total of over $17,400 and counting! I'm so proud! The money goes to the AFSP/American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, so it all translates into saving lives and squelching stigma.

 Me at our Remembrance Tree.  -photo by Dawn Horwitz-Person, 10.10.15

Here's the poem I shared during the closing ceremony. Several people approached me afterwards to ask for copies, so I'm posting here - in hopes it offers comfort to as many as possible, as often as needed. 

Thank you. Take gentle care. None of us is alone. Everyone of us is worthy. 

Please Believe

Please believe we know your pain
Your broken soul. That smile you feign.
You say "I'm fine," but that's a lie.
You dare not share your urge to die.
We know your rage, your hate, and shame.
The burn that set your heart aflame.
Consumed by grief - your life, a curse.
Cold lonely days; still
Nights are worse.
Please believe us when we say
Keep holding tight. You'll be okay.
Monstrous ills you cannot halt.
Go gentle now. 

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Mental illness has no cure.
You're human with a heart that's pure.
We know not how. We know not when
You will reclaim your life again
Embrace a faith you never knew
You'll be so glad you wrestled through.
Please believe, and hold on tight
As strands of pain fade into light
And tender hues transform your sight.
You're not alone.
Please know it's true.
We're right here
Holding tight

With you.

                                               Photo by Jodi Rives, Out of the Darkness 9.27.14

Me on TV Again, Robin Williams' Rippling Impact

Excuse the self-indulgence, especially if you're a facebook friend, but it's not every day that TV cameras are on me. This is a news-bite by Channel 7 News Reporter Jerry Olenyn. He's a warmhearted man, who invited me to watch him splice this piece together after filming it. Jerry also kindly uploaded this feed for me the other day; it wasn't accessible on their website.

Some random notes: ~While being filmed, I was only concerned about what the wind was doing to my hair. Rightfully so, it's looking pretty wild here. ~TV does not add 20 pounds like they say it does. Thank goodness. ~It doesn't add height either like I hoped it would. But you can't tell how short I am here, or how Jerry scrunched down to film me, so it's all good.

Seriously, though, I'm fortunate to have been interviewed for the local News regarding Robin Williams' death by suicide, which continues to impact us all. Hopefully, honest, open, small and large scale conversations about mental illness and suicide are only beginning. If we can keep the momentum going, lives will undoubtedly be saved. What better tribute to such a wonderful man? This, and continuing to laugh through it all!


Have a nice week, dear friends.

Out of the Darkness & I'm on TV!

Everything went beautifully with Chico's 5th Annual Out of the Darkness Walk for suicide prevention this past Saturday. Approximately 450 locals joined our fight to raise awareness about mental illness, depression, and suicide, and we raised close to $11,000.

Most important to me is the fact that many people who, like me, have been carrying deep, dark, burdensome, ugly pains related to suicide losses, had a place to go for healing, compassion, support, and to take a steps towards a world without suicide.

I'd been terribly nervous about all the speaking I was going to be doing. I don't know why, but I was relaxed when on stage. I guess I liked the power of wielding a cordless microphone. Today, I thought about how empowering it would feel to carry a microphone everywhere I go...but enough about me.

Photo by Jodi Rives

First, more about me. I'm on TV below. Channel 12's Local Action News reporter Vanessa Vasconcelos was kind enough to attend unsolicited. She filmed parts of the Walk, did a very nice job editing and commenting, and interviewed me. It's VERY BRIEF, if you decide to view it.

You can see me here, a tad after 1 minute.
http://www.actionnewsnow.com/news/out-of-the-darkness-walk-raises-awareness-for-suicide-prevention/

I'm (re)posting the poem I ended my speech with. I wrote this for the Out of the Darkness participants, and I'd posted it several months ago here.

Please Believe

You're Not Alone

Please believe

I know your pain

Your broken soul

That smile you feign

You say "I'm fine"

But it's a lie

You dare not share

Your urge to die

I know your rage

And hate

And shame

The burn that set your heart aflame

Consumed by grief

Your life a curse

Cold lonely days

Still nights are worse

Please believe me when I say

Keep holding tight

You'll be okay

Beastly ills, you cannot halt

Go gentle now

It's not your fault

Mental illness has no cure

You're human with a heart that's pure

I know not how

I know not when

But you'll reclaim your life again

Embrace a faith you never knew

You'll be so glad you wrestled through

Please believe

And hold on tight

As strands of pain fade into light

And tender hues transform your sight

You're not alone

Please know it's true

I'm right here

Holding tight 

with you.

Coming Out of the Darkness to Save Lives

            Photo taken out my car's back window, the morning of last year's Out of the Darkness Chico

I love to laugh and make people laugh. This wasn't always the case. I was terribly depressed as a child, due to heredity (depression runs in my family) and circumstances (neglectful parents, family traumas...). I've shared with you over the years about my mother's death by cancer when she was 49 and I was 18.

Two years ago, I wrote a semi-mysterious blogpost about the death of my ex-husband. I kept the circumstances dubious because...he died by suicide. There's so much shame, guilt, and stigma related to suicide, I didn't want to go that dark here. Losing my ex-husband, though, doesn't compare to a loss I experienced more than 25 years ago. It's one I've mostly kept in the dark all these years.  It's been wrapped up in layers of shame and guilt. Siblings are like our other-selves. This heavy dark truth is that my brother, Glenn-David (my parents couldn't decide between Glenn or David, so they used both names), was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1988. He died by suicide shortly thereafter. We'd had a tense relationship, fraught with animosity, and that's been the most painful aspect to grapple with.

I'm sharing this with you now because I'm coming out of the darkness in a big way these days -- in hopes of helping others. For the past several months, I've been organizing Chico's annual Out of the Darkness Community Walk for suicide prevention. I'm Event Chair, and it all happens this coming Saturday, 9/27. I've recently participated in local radio show interviews and worked on a newspaper segment on suicide. I'll be giving a speech on Saturday, during which I tell my story.

Here's the last paragraph of my speech, which summarizes my main points:
There's no singular way to respond to this tremendously complicated crisis of suicide. What we need to do, though, is exactly what we've gathered here to do today - to connect with compassion; to talk openly about our pains and losses related to mental illness, depression, and suicide; to chip away at the monstrous levels of stigma that poison our cause; to take care of ourselves and each other - which means not harboring the often suffocating force of guilt- so that we can continue this all-important mission of creating a world without suicide, one step at a time.

So I won't have much time or energy to devote to blogland this week, and you may've already noticed my scaling back a bit. Sorry. Thank you for understanding. Thanks, Alex, for your support and forgiveness of my dropping out of the Blogfest...This event is a biggie. We've already raised more money than we did in past years, and we hope to have 500 people join the fight. It's pretty exciting.

Sometimes along the edge of trauma, we find beauty. This event is truly beautiful and uplifting.

Life is worth living -- for the chocolate, for the laughter, 

and to help pull each other out of the darkness.

Have a great week.

Derek Clark & You're not Alone: Fighting Mental Illness through Compassion

The #1 Motivational Speaker in the world, according to Google (and rightfully so), is a man named Derek Clark. Last week, I attended a talk Derek gave in Paradise, CA. Derek rose far above abuses and traumas that I won't attempt to summarize. Plus, he was kind enough to hug me (as he did everyone who approached him after the talk), before autographing his book. Mr. Clark is 6'5" and I'm 4'8," so I am most impressed by his warmth and willingness to put his back out. Unfortunately, I was too awestruck to have gotten a photo of us. Drats!

Derek became instantly known as the cool Rapping Dad, when a rap he threw down while driving with his kids went viral. It's fantastically entertaining; check it out here. His main website, with all sorts of fun information and links to his appearance on Rikki Lake, etc., is here.

Coincidentally, I'd penned this poem the day before Derek's presentation. It addresses the strength of the human spirit, with which he shines. This month marks Mental Health Awareness month. Mental health challenges touch us all. I've lost two people I was very close to, to suicide, and I've battled depression throughout my life. I'm doing great right now, though we never know what the next moment will bring. [If you're interested, I published an article in a local newspaper last year on my fight against depression here.]  Know that, whatever your life's struggles, you're never alone.

You're Not Alone

Please believe

I know your pain

Your broken soul

That smile you feign

You say "I'm fine"

But it's a lie

You dare not share

Your urge to die

I know your rage

And hate

And shame

The burn that set your heart aflame

Consumed by grief

Your life a curse

Cold lonely days

Still nights are worse

Please believe me when I say

Keep holding tight

You'll be okay

Monstrous ills, you cannot halt

Go gentle now

It's not your fault

Mental illness has no cure

You're mortal with a heart that's pure

I know not how

I know not when

But you'll reclaim your life again

Embrace a faith you never knew

You'll be so glad you wrestled through

Please believe

And hold on tight

As strands of pain fade into light

And tender hues transform your sight

You're not alone

Please know it's true

I'm right here

Holding tight 

with you.