The Shocking, Uncensored Interview with E.T.

Dear Sillies,
   I've collaborated with my fun and silly friend, Powdered Toast Man. He is so outrageous. You should follow him, if you aren't already.
   Disclaimer: I'm very sorry. We didn't realize ET was so sexually depraved, until I channeled him for this interview. Feel free to move along, if you want to remember his sweet innocence.
   Thank you, and be good to yourselves.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man) - Thank you E.T. for coming on the show today. I am glad you could fit us into your busy schedule.

E.T. - Yeah, it's tight, but that's how I like it.

PTM - I can see where this interview is headed already. How much of the Stephen Spielberg movie is based on true events?

E.T. - What movie?

PTM - I am not prepared to open that can of worms. I will have to have a one on one with Drew later. So, what is Drew Barrymore really like?

E.T. - She's all grown up now, hot as ever. Between us guys, though, she's dumb as my doorknob and twice as loose.

PTM - Are you referring to an actual doorknob or your penis? And I thought you liked it tight? Never mind, I don't want to know. Which Golden Girls character is your favorite and why?

E.T. - Estelle Getty because of the tightness factor.

PTM - I guess that answers my previous question. Betty White is my gal, bigger rack. Where do you shop to find clothes that fit?

E.T. - Pee Wee Plus Sizes for the Short and Thick

PTM -  Must be an online only store, I have never heard of it. Are you dating anyone right now?

E.T. - Yeah, Drew and I are still dating. It's an open relationship. Punky Brewster's a side dish, along with all of the Bachelorette rejects. 

PTM - I call her Soleil Moon Frye. The restraining order states I can't call her Punky Brewster anymore. I heard a rumor that you haven't spoken to Elliot in 5 years. What happened?

E.T. -  He didn't invite me to his Bar Mitzvah, and that really hurt. But he eventually apologized, gave me a phone and lots of rides. *Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.*

PTM - You are one horny little alien. I would love to harness your sex drive. You were recently with Drew being interviewed by Rawkn Robyn on Life by Chocolate. I have always had a big crush on her. Since you were close enough to see, I have to ask. Are they real?

E.T. -  I once got my finger stuck in them for hours. She loved it. Yes. They're real, and they're spectacular!

PTM - I hope you get an endorsement check for that Seinfeld reference. For once and for all, what does E.T. actually stand for?

E.T. - Emerging Testicles 

PTM - That raises a lot more questions that we really don't have time for right now. What is your biggest accomplishment?

E.T. -    Bea Arthur. She's 5'10".

PTM - That picture will be burned into my brain forever. Camera man #3 is your biggest fan. He wants to know if he can buy you a drink after the show?

E.T. -  No, Betty White hates it when I'm late - or premature. 

PTM - I hope you carry lube, she must be like a desert down there. Let's turn the tables for a minute. I am going to let you ask me a few questions. I haven't done this in awhile. I am a little gun shy after what happened with Dustin Diamond. You get 3 questions.

E.T. - Briefs, boxers, or commando and why?

PTM - None of the above. I have worn Speedos since I was nine.

E.T. - What's your favorite sexual position? 

PTM - It is a toss up between the German shepherd and lazy grasshopper.

E.T. - Do you have a recommendation for loose bowels? I'm asking for a friend.

PTM - Cut down on the anal sex. Twice a month is recommended. Ask Dr. Phil. 

E.T. - *Holds up two wet thumbs*

PTM - That is all the time we have plus E.T. soiled the chair cushion twice. I knew I should have put down newspaper. See ya next time. 

E.T. -  Dope! Catch ya on the flip side. 

It feels so damn good to work with my buddy, PTM, again. And again, check him out here. Thank you, PTM!