Morty likes me. Until he reads this. Morty looks like a grandpa. Not like today's youthful grandpas. More like a there-are-some-white-hairs-sprouting-from-his-nostrils grandpas.
I don't want to date Morty.
Months ago, Morty asked me if I wanted to go for drinks, and I politely said "no" by suggesting a rain check. Dumb move.
But to my credit, it hardly ever rains in Chico. It might never rain again until the final apocalyptic grand flash flood. So that rain check would never be legit.
Not so fast. When my birthday rolled around, Morty insisted on redeeming said rain check by taking me out for dinner. So I agreed to meet Morty for a quick bite at a cheap Mexican eatery.
On the eve of this rain check redemption, Morty paid $6 for my taco. In front of the cashier, he then, to my surprise, asked casually "Do I get to spank you for your birthday?"
"No! Now you're pushing it!" I guarded my taco and moved my tuchas out of his arms' range.
I mean, really, my friends. If a man pays (only) $6 for my taco, he isn't entitled to spank me too.
Morty proceeded to ask about my weekend plans, suggesting that we get together (so he could spank me?).
I told Morty that I don't wish to date. I'm happy being single.
"That's too bad," Morty said, disappointed.
When I saw Morty last weekend at a community event, he said that he'd noticed that I was a very small girl in a 1970s photo I'd posted on Facebook. Um, yes. I was a very small girl. Morty then said "You know, now, medically, you'd qualify as a m--"
I know, right!?
Distracted, Morty turned his head to talk to someone else.
Morty turned back to me, "Well, I'm going swimming with the grandkids. See ya."
Okay, Morty. Are you trying to tell me you're striving for shrinkage 'cuz you want to date and spank a medical midget?
I thought I'd heard the worst of it. But this one, my friends, that comment --Oy vey.
Morty, if you're reading this, you must have a very small...set of social skills.
PS My taco is worth more than $6.
Ewww. Creepy. Good decision on your part.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan, though I shouldn't have been so agreeable leading up to saying "no."
DeleteMy nasty self wonders whether his passion for small things is related to at least one of his own parts (other than his brain). His taste is at least good - albeit HUGELY aspirational.
ReplyDeleteThank you, EC. I do wonder why in the world he thinks I'd want to date him.
Deletesounds like you were more than a good sport. Oy vey indeed.
ReplyDeleteBig sigh for your sake. And yes, you deserve a way better taco - through in an enchilada for goodness sake!
Glad you can find the chuckle!
Mmm, that enchilada sounds delicious. Thanks for making me laugh once more, Joanne.
DeleteIf he's spanking at his age, run away. Run away!
ReplyDeleteHaha. Right?! Thank you, Alex. You've made me laugh too.
DeleteMorty is mortifying. If you see him again, RUN!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
This comment is why I love you.
DeleteLove,
Robyn
My ex-husband had hair growing in his ears. Creepy, creepy.
DeleteBlah. Best to avoid indeed.
ReplyDeleteSo that is how low you've sunk? You started dating spanking grandpas? Geez. For $6 the poor guy might have a heart attack. That's a pretty hefty price tag. What? Yeah, I'm done haha
I know. What the heck? I'm not looking, Pat, but these geriatric men with white nose hairs sprouting from their nostrils want to spank me. Ha - yeah, good point about a potential heart attack.
DeleteDear Robyn, I worked my taco off years ago, but even before that I never understood spanking as a feature of social intercourse, and did not engage in it. I can only concur with Janie Junebug's excellent advice.
ReplyDeleteIt's an odd practice. Sex and pain should not be combined. I'll be keeping my tuchas and taco as far from him as possible. Thank you, Geo.
DeleteOne word about my short stature and I'm out of there!
ReplyDeleteRight. How rude does it get? I'm afraid I've yet to find out.
DeleteI must be cheap and easy. I would have let Morty spank me for a $6 taco.
ReplyDeleteShrinkage is an epidemic.
Ha. I'd have paid $6 to see that PTM. (Will get to our project asap.)
DeletePoor Morty, poor, sad, creepy Morty was so upset thT you turned him down that he thought calling you a little person..aka..midget, or, in my case, my Oma, would hurt and insult you which is why he tried to diss you. He needs to go pluck his nose hairs and get rid of the wings on his eyebrows. I added that last part as old men seem to have this.
ReplyDelete"Wings on his eyebrows" -- thank you, thank you for that one, Birgit. I'm running with tweezers and a little pair of scissors with that one.
DeleteI'm hoping he realized that if you were a child in the 70's that he's dating a gal young enough to be his little granddaughter.
ReplyDeleteBTW, come to WV, I can get you a taco for a dollar. And no, I won't ask to spank you. :)
Tacos for $1? Almost heaven, WV.
DeleteI like to think I could pass for his granddaughter. Maybe that's a stretch. Regardless, white nostril hairs.
It would have been interesting to find out how much he would be willing to spend for a taco, but I'm glad you had the sense not to find out.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing it's more than $6, a lot more, Jono. But yeah, glad I'll never know.
DeleteThank you.
As I began to read, I thought, "Oh, no. You're going to hurt some poor guy's feelings." As I read on, I thought, "That asshole deserves to have his feelings hurt."
ReplyDeleteRight? Thank you, Mitchell. See, I'm an innocent victim most of the time. Nah, but in this case, I am.
DeleteSmiles.
At least your dating keeps us entertained (and reminds me to occasionally clip my nose hairs). Maybe you should have ordered an enchilada?
ReplyDeletewww.thepulpitandthepen.com
Yeah, but enchiladas and burritos are so messy. I'll stick with my taco. Wink.
DeleteUgh! Morty sounds like one of those fish that should be tossed back. Not a keeper at all!
ReplyDelete