Tuesday, April 25, 2017

How I Landed in Chuck Norris' Hood

I could have met Chuck Norris this weekend, but I might not have lived to tell the tale.
   It was a long drive to the woodsy club, but I made the trek to support a few musician friends. And because I had no idea that I wouldn't make it home that night.

   Darkness dominated when I embarked on a solo drive home after 10pm. Despite the "Maintenance Required" light flashing on my dashboard, 1/4 tank of gas, and a poor sense of direction, I'd be fine. Garmin would get me home. Whenever she said "Keep going," I obeyed. [Garmin wasn't working properly due to a faulty signal in the mountains.]
   Over an hour later, I faced a sign directing me to Chester and Susanville. Not a good sign. Bad, bad sign. Chester is as it sounds. (Hint: It rhymes with "molester.") Susanville is known only for its prison. You get the idea.
   I stared at my phone's face. No signal. No lights, no sign of life, low on gas, car needs maintenance. Alone in the pitch dark ideal gruesomely terrifying horror movie crime scene. A homicidal ax wielding one legged, twelve armed vampire zombie would pop out at any moment. But I'd driven too far to back track. So I gripped the steering wheel with rigid palms, as I cautiously winded further into eternal blackness.
    By 11:20p, I thought about crying. That is, I thought: "I feel like crying." But the tears were too scared to leave their ducts. Can't blame 'em.
   Alas, a precious sight: a bright red VACANCY sign. In the midst of nowhere too! Lucky girl!
   I jumped out of my car, dashed to the door, and knocked. No answer. Tried the knob. Locked. I knocked harder. No response. I pounded on the damn door. Nothing. I ran around the perimeter of the building, knocking frenetically on lumber, glass, metal door frames, whatever. At this point, tears found the courage to run and play all over my face. Good on them.
   The front door cracked open. I rushed over, and I was met by a caring woman.

   I'd landed at a charming Bed and Breakfast just west of Chester in Plumas County (NRA land near Lake Almanor). A queen sized bed provided comfortable, relieving slumber.
   The next morning, I delighted in a generous serving of country potatoes, fresh fruit, and homemade pastry. The owner engaged me and a handful of guests in friendly discourse. Chuck Norris' getaway home is nearby, she said. He had a big party at this place years ago for one of his step-daughters. He's a lot smaller than he looks on screen, and he's "a very nice man."  
   I'm glad I didn't awaken Chuck in my hysterical state the night before. I can't imagine that things end well when you upset Mr. Norris - however small and nice he may be.

   It took me two hours to get home on Sunday. Thank goodness I made it -- safe and unsound as ever, and with not having met Mr. Norris in the woods of Plumas County.

I hope you're well and safe, my dears.

44 comments:

  1. Now THAT'S an adventure! And your opening 2 paragraphs set it up so well!

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  2. Don't do that again. You scared me, and I wasn't even there.

    Love,
    Janie

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  3. Damn that's quite the story! And what did we learn from this adventure? 1. Don't push your luck when your car has a quarter tank or less of gas, and 2. BRING A PAPER ROAD ATLAS! lololol

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  4. Yeah, I will never again drive alone at night into the mountains. I am extremely lucky to have gotten home safe and (un)sound.

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  5. For a second, I thought you'd landed on Chuck Norris' car hood. LOL At least you landed at a nice B&B.

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    1. That would've made for an even more adventurous night. Thanks, Diane.

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  6. Oh my. I'm glad you made it back safely. I would have been scared to death. Bless that woman and her bed and breakfast.

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  7. It isn't rational. I knew you survived, because the post was up. But I worried.
    Hooray for caring B and B owners.

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    1. You're sweet, EC. I was relieved that I didn't have someone worried for me, because I couldn't contact them to say I was okay. I sent a text to a friend who was at the club, but it bounced back.

      And I didn't go into details so as to shorten the tale, but it was a guest (not the owner) who let me in. And I suppose that my 4'8" stature may've saved me. (She peered out the window suspiciously, and let me in, as soon as she saw my little, innocent and scared self.) =)

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    2. You were super lucky that the foolish guest judged by appearances. Small you may be, but none the less potentially very, very dangerous.

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    3. Lol. Yes I am. Thank you, EC. Fortunately for me, it wasn't too difficult to appear desperate and scared and needy. I was. But had she not opened the door - yeah, she'd still be regretting it. =)

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  8. We have a Chester here, it's full of rich d-bags. Are you telling me the rhyme holds true everywhere?

    Good you avoided any eyes of a ranger upon you and made it back safe and sound.

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    1. Yep, Pat. Sorry to tell you, but Chester rhymes with "molester" across the border too.

      Thank you.

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  9. It always seems celebrities are smaller in person than they are on TV or in the movies.

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  10. Glad you're well and safe and that you didn't meet Chuck Norris. If his politics are any indication, he's quite the jerk (I was going to say he's an asshole but decided to be nice).

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    1. Thank you for being nice and not saying he's probably an asshole, Mitchell. He probably is an asshole, if his politics are any indication.

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  11. Isn't this exactly how horror movies start, progress, then end? A lone woman driving on a dark country road who frantically pounds on the door of a motel with a flickering Vacancy sign, then Norman Bates answers the phone, only for our heroine to be rescued by Chuck Norris.

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    1. I wasn't envisioning that ending, PVP. Everything leading up to it, though - yeah, spot on.

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  12. I know it's old school, but a map might be a good thing to keep in your car. Your support for your musician friends is more than admirable, but now I'm going to be worried about you all the time. Chuck should have been so lucky to have made your acquaintance.

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    1. Oy, I'm laughing, Jono. I have approximately 153 maps in my car, none of which I've used since I got a GPS. I'm, um, not so good at reading maps. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Don't worry. I won't be visiting Chuck Norris on my own at night ever again.

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  13. Susanville and the backside of the Sierras are some of my favorite places in California but not a place to be lost at night. Glad you found a place to stay and strike out again in daylight.

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    1. I hope you'll share some stories about the area on your blog sometime, Sage. I'd enjoy that.

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  14. A thousand blessings on that friendly inn-keeper lady, Robyn. She saved you from a fate worse than a Republican Primary! I'm sure Mr Norris would have treated you courteously, but his Beard might not have liked you (whoever she is).

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    1. He's had a number of them, GB. Yeah, she might not have taken well to my hysterical presence that late at night, at a moment of weakness when I most needed warmth and a bed.

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  15. I've always said you can never be lost, just sent in a different direction for adventure. (Or so I tell my husband when I get us lost and he yells at me, lol)

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    1. Yes. Getting lost is fun...when you have someone with you and it's not pitch dark out in the middle of NRA land. Thanks for the quote, Elizabeth. I'll likely use it often, if only with myself.

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  16. Did you ever hear the banjo music? You're okay as long as you don't hear the banjo music.

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    1. No banjo, no harps...wait, are we assuming I'm not going to the other place? I like it. Thanks, LD.

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  17. You are so funny! I'm glad it all worked out well for you. It can be a little daunting to find yourself in who knows where late at night. Chuck Norris also has a place on the Colorado River across from we park our RV sometimes. I've never seen him there though. He is probably busy chopping wood, or hunting for beaver up there in the woods.

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    1. Thank you, Pat. I wonder how many homes Mr. Norris has, and which he has more of: homes or shotguns. What do you think, Pat?

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    2. Probably shotguns, I don't think he earns enough these days for too many more houses.

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    3. Then again, perhaps he needs to keep purchasing homes in which to store his shotguns. (?)

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  18. I have trouble recognizing movie stars, especially Chuck Norris if he's wearing a whole shirt.

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    1. Haha. Yeah, I'm afraid I wouldn't recognize him (shirtless or fully dressed) or most celebrities if I saw them in person.

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  19. Chuck hangs in Texas a lot too. I've never seen the man, but you were so close, and yet so far. He's such a myth......funny!!!
    You just crack me up. Glad you are okay and ended up in a decent B & B - country potatoes - yum. Did I miss it - was there chocolate on the pillow.....?

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    1. No. I missed chocolate too on that venture. Yet I was lucky to be safe, so I was okay with that for the time being.

      Thanks, Joanne.

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  20. Lucky a nice old lady answered the door and not some hillbilly gun toting pervert, or Leatherface. I've seen the movies. They're out there.
    Glad you survived to tell the tale.
    :)

    xo

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  21. Lucky you found that B&B when you did! Imagine if you would have awoken THE NORRIS and in his slumber state, he would have stepped on you! Perish the thought! :)

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  22. Phew, what a story!

    I feel like I'm reading a plot from a thriller/action/suspense movie.

    That was close. Lucky you.

    Mr. Norris though. :P

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  23. Wow, what a harrowing tale. Now that I'm glad you're okay... how's your car? Did you just pull a Homer Simpson and now you just keep on driving it anyway?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddPQAJSm2cQ

    My dad once met Mr. T, back in the 80s when Mr. T was the man, and my dad was extremely disappointed to see that Mr. T was the same height he was (my dad is 5'8).

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    1. Fairly accurate. Homer is more resourceful than I. I should keep tape in my car. My car - oy vey, my car. Hopefully it'll make it through Friday, when it finally gets examined.

      I would be very upset to see a 5'8" Mr. T. In fact, I'm disillusioned knowing that he's short - only one foot taller than me. Really? I can take him.

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  24. Gotta love a quaint friendly B&B!! So glad you found the place to provide you a nights sleep and could relax. Oh the things we do for our musical friends! Chuck Norris would have been a bonus to see.

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