And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Celibacy and Suburbia and Bob Hope (dead you know) Stirs Controversy at Life by Chocolate


Dears, 
  Most months zip by, but August has been a long one. Am I right? I hope it's been kind to you, though.
  Next week, Tuesday, September 6th, I'll launch my silly little book ~ Celibacy and Suburbia. To build anticipation, I asked some big-name folks for quotes.
    First, Janie Junebug, sassy, heartfelt Queen of blogland and all else, said that the book "hits the G-spot of hilarity."
   The others' administrative assistants shouted obscenities at me before ending the call, blocking my number, and tracking my every move. So I made stuff up: Donald Trump said "I'd hit that little woman so hard, I would. I'd pound her face so hard it would spin. Her terrible writing, oh, it's getting worse. Engel's writing is absolutely killing this country! It's killing us all. Let's make America hate short people again, really. We need to build walls around short little people like her. The midget Muslims in Mexico, oh, they'll pay for it, they will. I'm so good looking. They're gonna pay." Martha Stewart said "Dress it up with a delightful springtime salad. I'll add lightly roasted pine nuts and a handful of juicy tomatoes from my garden. Use diamond encrusted handcuffs and one liter of hot wax for the dessert portion and viola! It's really quite a lovely feast. You and your guest will be satisfied for days."

And now, a brief preview of this small three-part book:

Part I. 250 Reasons for Celibacy
Me Man You Woman
Headline need help, Tarzan.
I am a professional, 6'2" of Italian decent.
Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from French offensive.
Funner than your ex
So is a colonoscopy.


Part II. Mock Talk (from my IWSG series)
Robyn says to Tori Spelling: You played a virgin for seven years. How'd you pull that off?

Part III. Calenderotica

From Thanksgiving Erotica: 
We're ravenous, so let's indulge.
Take off your belt. Expose that bulge.

That's it, my sillies.
Be well, stay well, and keep a stash of chocolate around in case of emergencies. Establish and hold yourself to a very liberal definition of "emergency."

69 comments:

  1. One more week! prepare to laugh, everyone.

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    1. Thank you, Alex. You are the best of blogland!

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  2. Hah, Robyn you should have written lines for Bob Hope! I think his material needed sexing up. But do women really laugh after stimulating their G-spots? I've only see that in yanks.com!

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    1. Yeah, Bob Hope was a snoozer, GB. As far as timing of the laughter, I'm thinking that depends upon how it's done.

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  3. Congrats! Although please no walls around us short people. We have a hard enough time seeing.

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    1. I know. I saw one meme I like about us short people, Diane: "You gotta hand it to short people. They can't reach it anyway."

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  4. The G-spot of hilarity? Oh, Janie! Hahahahahaha, love it.

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    1. Isn't she the best?! Gotta love a daily dose or so of Janie Junebug.

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  5. This is so exciting I'm sure I will have an orgasm before the climactic ending.

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    1. Warning, Martha tends to spoil the mood. Sorry, Deb.

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    2. Send video. It's for...a friend.

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    3. Haha, I'll send it as soon as I, I mean, my friend is done um "watching" it.

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  6. With quotes like that it is sure to be a hit. You'll be able to pay to remove Trump's walls.

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    1. Woohoo. That orange mofo doesn't know who he's messing with. Thanks Pat.

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  7. Can't wait to read it!! And those were some cool endorsements you got from Rump...I mean Trump, and Mahtha.

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    1. Thanks, JoJo. Dump and Martha, Martha, Martha hate me almost as much as I hate them. I love it. Smiles.

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  8. I'll be waiting impatiently for more of your wit and wisdom. I will do my best to stay in control until next week and just in time to hold off the demise of summer.

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    1. Yeah, we're ready for a new book and season. Thank you, kind friend.

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  9. I'm relaxing my laugh muscles to prepare for your book.

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  10. Yay, only one week away. Can hardly wait!

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    1. Yay, thank you, Cheryl. Seemed as though the day after Labor Day is a good one for a book launch.

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  11. Oh this sounds fabulous. I can't wait! A perfect time for me to re-enter the blogging world and see this. I'm so excited for you! (And excited to read!) :)

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    1. Morgan, thank you! It's so great to see you here. I've been catching snippets of your family on FB, so I'm lucky for that too. I really appreciate your support.

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  12. Congratulations!
    You're doing better than I am. I can't get Stephen King to buy any of my books. The big, stuck-up doofus.

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    1. Maybe your books are too short for him? I wonder if he only reads books that are over 800 pages. (?)

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  13. your book will kick September into gear and obliterate August. I can't wait to read Bernie's review. Congrats

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    1. I thought about writing one. I mean, I'm still waiting for Bernie's review. That dearheart has been a bit busy, it seems. But I'll wait patiently, because I know how he feels about me. ;-)

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  14. I laughed, I cried, I ate two bags of M&Ms... nap time.
    You are way too funny, and did you say you are short? Aren't we all short of something!!!

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    1. Haha. Yes, we're all short of something. It's better to be short in height than short in more important matters. Thank you, Dixie.

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  15. Janie Junebug knows what to say...and with Trump sounding off one knows your book will be funny, engaging and a riot to read. Now that funner guy can go meet Ape Man

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    1. Janie is like you and me, Birgit. She's a sassafras in the best of ways.

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  16. Yay you.
    And hiss and spit to the Martha Donalds of this world.

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  17. Replies
    1. I'm flattered, Fishducky. I think you'll appreciate it.

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  18. I laughed with the Donald Trump quote and then roared with the Martha Stewart one. Oh, Robyn...you are the best! And you make this world a funnier...more tolerable place :)

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    1. Thanks so much, Martha. That feels really good. What more could any of us wish for than to make the world more tolerable? (Well, okay, there's one thing in particular that comes to mind. But I keep a stash of batteries, plus chocolate - not together).

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  19. Keep us laughing but don't remind me of Trump as he is too close to the White House to be a laughing matter.

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    1. Yeah but he's too orange for the White House and his ratings are tanking by the hour. No worries. Laughter only, Sage.

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  20. Sure to be another winner! Congratulations on your continued success. :)

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  21. I don't know if I can read it again. I laughed so hard the first time that I have yet to recover.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Expose that bulge? Oh, no! It's Anthony Weiner again!

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    2. Weiner's huge.
      Maybe.
      Maybe not.
      I don't know weiners.
      Except my own.
      And that?
      Well...

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    3. He's one huge wiener, that's for sure.
      As far as its size, it fits within the 140 micro units for tweeting, so -yeah- well...

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  22. I had a chocolate emergency today. It was raining. Yep, it's liberal but everyone around me thought it was a good enough reason to indulge as well. ;)

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    1. Absolutely, Rosey. Rain is a reason for chocolate. (Sun is too.) Smiles.

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  23. Don't lie to us. We know Donald Trump didn't give you a blurb... because we all know he can't read. If it was a colorful pop-up book, maybe, but not the boring kind with words!

    We both can't wait to check it out!

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    1. That's a tough one to argue. If you ask him he'll say "Of course I reed. I'm so good lookkin."

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  24. I'm so excited for you, Robyn! It's gonna rock just like the last one did. You go, girl :) Love you!!

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    1. Thanks, sweetie. The last one is my source of pride, but this one's uber-fun and silly and we all need that. Love you too!

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  25. Hey Robyn,

    You can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Yes, it's me, shy and humble me, leaving one of my highly collectable comments on your highly delectable site.

    I actually found that August unzipped, sorry, zipped by. Heck, it's September 2. Four more days to go and is the world prepared. Hearty congrats and I'm totally thrilled for you, my witty, caring friend.

    With that, I'm outta' here.

    Gary :)

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    1. Thank you for your support and love always, dear Gary. Support and love back to you my friend.

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  26. I was totally with you, laughing all the way, until I saw "Bob Hope was a snoozer". Damn, woman. You just lost the senior vote.

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    1. I'm not sure what you mean, LD. Did you already purchase and read my book? I think I may've used that line in jest in one of the interviews, but it's not in this post. At any rate, I don't find Bob Hope to be all that interesting. The fact that you take this personally isn't something I intended or have control over. If you purchased my book, I really appreciate it. You're welcome to leave a review (one star or whatever), but you already know this. Glad you got some laughs before being offended. If any population has been terribly offended by my writing, it is the older population of women. I have my thoughts on this, but no need to go there. There's been a generational shift that I cater to, and we can't please everyone. Sorry you're so upset as to leave this "Damn woman" comment. Well, actually, it's not appreciated.

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    2. Bob Hope, sadly, was a scumbag. The pretty young women who accompanied him on USO tours attest to that. He and his wife were Catholic icons, yet he cheated on her constantly. Once upon a time, he was amusing, but he held onto the stage too long and was no longer relevant. Besides, what does Bob Hope have to do with whether your excellent book is excellent? Anyway, I agree with you that he's dead.

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    3. Thank you, Janie. It seems some don't understand the concept of supporting each other's efforts, especially when they're about to release a book. And the fact that Bob Hope was a married "good Catholic" womanizer and perhaps rapist - well, that makes the comment about my having lost the senior vote all the more bewildering. Thankfully, my writerly success does not Depends (oops, I mean depend) upon LD's support nor that the seniors of the world. Heck, I just turned 50. I put the O in "senior". But we know that's the only place an O enters my life. And yeah, Bob Hope is more of a snoozer than ever, since he's dead. Hugs.

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    4. Bing Crosby was a jerk, too, and you know who his best buddy was.

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    5. Oy. I wonder if Bing Crosby was related to Bill Cosby. All slimebags, but alas the White men get away with it. Some things don't change. On a happy note, I'm about to announce publication. Thanks Janie.

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  27. F...n hil-hairy ass! Cant wait for the book! Reckon you should send copies to both yr big fans, Trump and the Trumpet - maybe you can get a blurb outofem. ! xo

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    1. Lol. Thank you, Anthony. I could possibly get a blurb out of them - an unpublishable, even for me. xo

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  28. I'm sorry to hear about Bob and Bing, but I'm very excited for you, Robyn! Love Janie's quote! I can't wait to read Celibacy and Suburbia! Great title too!

    Julie

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  29. The Donald and Martha reviews are spot on! Looks like a fun book!

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