And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy: # 341-350: My Density

Hi, Friends,

I hope life is treating you well.
Now that I'm back to reading on-line dating ads (both for your entertainment and my...gratitude. Thank goodness for celibacy!), we're moving on to reasons #341-350 for a straight single gal like me to fully appreciate solitude. Enjoy.            
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REASON #341: Helpwanted  
Okay, babe. The spacebar is just below the bottom row of letters. Tap it gently with either of your thumbs.

REASON #342: I am your density...
*gripping a hearty roll of belly fat*. Funny, I thought that was all the chocolate I eat.

REASON #343: Born with a Bow Tie 
Did it hurt your Mommy’s nipples?

REASON #344: love a fireplace
No thanks. I don’t wanna get burned. 

REASON #345: Why the hell do u women pucker ur lips up 4 a pic
Oh, sweetie, you’re looking at the tabloids. It’s called botox.

REASON #346: looking for Venus I'm Jupiter!????
Phew! For a minute there, I was afraid you were gonna show me Uranus.

REASON #347: i am he, here i am 
You’re he? He is I? There I is?

REASON #348: he is I and I am him!! 
Wait a minute. The other guy is he and I is there but you are he and he is him and so is I. I’m so confused!

REASON #349: Does "REAL" Exsist............
That I can’t tell you.

REASON #350: Are your standards to high?  
Apparently.
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Keep a smile and have a good week!

51 comments:

  1. Oh dear. Celibacy and chocolate NEVER looked so good. Which is perhaps unkind of me, but true just the same.

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  2. I am he and he is I? Does that mean one of them is The Walrus?

    "I am your density" could be another great pop lyric, possibly for a group called 'The Weighing Machines'.

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  3. Sorry you are single again, especially when the prospects look so bleak.

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  4. Uranus! Yes, that planet still makes the twelve year old in me chuckle.

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    Replies
    1. Oy vey, me too Alex. Every time. Thank you for admitting that.

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  5. These are always shocking to me that they exist. How are people so adverse to self-awareness? I mean, "are your standards too high," is terrifying on a number of levels. "I am he, here I am"? Oh, you poor poor perpetually single creep.

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    1. I know, right, Pickleope Von Pickleope?! And "Are your standards to high?" is even worse.

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  6. "I am your density..." BAHAHAHA. And "i am he, here i am " BAHAHAHA. Oh my gosh...

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  7. Wow. There are some real winners out there.

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  8. You are my density? Wow, then it is truly freight that has brought us together. A match made in paradigm.

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    Replies
    1. ...Happily Ever Snacker (or something like that).

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  9. Let's hope that "I am your density" doesn't have a tattoo which says that.

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  10. Density in equilibrium, wow, that is more compelling then I and he and he and I

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  11. my inner Scooby-Doo voice, says "Hrrrraaathh"... :)

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  12. Hey Robyn!

    On-line dating ads prove that dumbing down has reached a new high, or is that low.

    Don't mention the discovery of rings around Uranus.

    Gary :)

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    Replies
    1. Lol. I hadn't thought about those rings, Gary. Those are rings no women wants to see.

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  13. I think you need to keep your standards high.

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  14. I am sure that one day you'll find the ad that reads, "Looking for a Betty Paige in the bedroom and a Martha Stewart in the kitchen (and to handle investments)" and you'll fire off a response ;)

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    Replies
    1. That would be hilarious, Sage. I'd feel compelled to fire off a response, for the sake of blogging about it.

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  15. Oh my. I think I write that every time to you post the reasons. I am he, you are he, I am the walrus - those lines were already taken. I am dense - take the abbreviated version. You made me laugh on a Monday - thanks. Have a great week

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  16. " I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." I think the Beatles said it best compared to 347 and 348.

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  17. It's always easy to understand why those guys that post those ads are single!

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  18. Robyn...reading online dating ads is an art unto itself!! There are some seriously stupid people out there. I am so glad I'm not out there anymore! I used to see, "are you my destiny" more times than I can count. Gag!

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  19. On 346- Saw that coming. The other day this somewhat heavyset lady at work wore a yellow t. Everyone (including me) complimented her on it (though my complement involved looking "like a big ol' sunflower"). Then somebody mentioned the Jimmy Dean breakfast commercials and I said, "Yep, she's just like the sun, with the planets going around her". Seconds later the little snarky voice in the back of my head suggested her best friend at work "could be Uranus". Luckily, I grabbed my tongue before it got out of me.

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    Replies
    1. Haha. Another golden comment from you, CW. Thank you!

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  20. Hold on to your high standards. You're worth it.

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  21. Sweet! I've always wanted to blame a guy for my density!!
    The puckered lips comment made me think of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid. "You gotta pucker up your lips, like this"...maybe that's where botox people got their inspiration.

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    Replies
    1. I like the comparison to Sebastian, Baby Sis, and I'd much rather kiss him than any of these bozos.

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  22. Bahaha! And this is why I remain single. Now, where is my chocolate, I have it here somewhere... :)

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  23. Hilarious. I think I'm going to start reading dating ads instead of books.

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  24. Speaking of "I am your density", I would have to agree that he does sound pretty dense.

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  25. These were fairly tame compared to some of the yo-yos you've found for these posts. But, still, it's a good reason to stay single.

    I am your density. What does that even mean????

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  26. Man, with prospects like those, I'd rather stay single. I think I lost a few brain cells just hanging out on this post ;)

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  27. These are too funny-Density made me crack up and I still can't write or say Uranus without giggling. So I, who is me, is saying by as me or mine, the other of I.

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  28. Maybe you should consider working for #341. You could help him find the perfect mail order bride. Then you could play "Who's on first" with #347 and #348.

    Julie

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  29. Guess I've been away a while. I love the new look of your blog. And your pictures are fantastic!
    Am I being creepy again?

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    1. Compliments from you are never creepy. It's not as though I'm half your age (I'm only a tad younger, Al) or look like Richard Simmons and walk around with a speedo or anything weird - not publicly anyway. Thank you, Al. I really appreciate the compliments.

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  30. Somewhat lost...other than high standards. Though I sometimes think people think too much these days. In my day, the dark ages, we didn't analyze things so much...we liked someone or didn't. Seems young people today think themselves to death. My generation didn't ever expect things to be good all the time, or easy and so many of the young people I know actually think it should be easy, it should be wonderful all the time, and therefore they are always disappointed. Ithink that everytime I watch one of those house shows,where they want move in ready so they don't have to do anything, complain about the colors of the walls, or that stainless appliances don't come with the house.

    Sandy's Space

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  31. Replies
    1. Why would I want to watch that? I think you missed the point of my post.

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  32. Love the spelling. Ah Darth Vader never sounded so... well.. dense.

    Hilarious stuff. Love the new look too. The photo on the left of you is grate!
    Uh, I mean great. Maybe it's time to join that dating sight!

    Uh, site...

    xo

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