It's time to unleash our writerly insecurities, empathize with each others' writerly neuroses, and cheer on each others' writerly accomplishments. Alex J. Cavanaugh, our fearless leader, founded this Insecure Writer's writerly Support Group. Thank you, Alex.
Today, ladies and gentleman, I bring you actress, singer, and - cough - "writer,"
Gwyneth Paltrow!
Gwyneth enters the stage wearing two black sleeves and a pair of black slacks. Robyn motions towards a vanity chair, and Gwyneth takes a seat. Robyn plops down on a chocolate brown bean bag.
So Gwyneth, you have some big Goop apps with recipes and lifestyle tips and such, is that right?
I'm not really sure. You'd have to ask Apple.
Apple? Your daughter?
No but she is smarter than me. Gwyneth laughs.
I bet.
But um you need to ask Apple Computer about stuff like that or the Googler or like Mac Yahoo or someone. I don't really know. I just make a lot of money with my name on it. I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year. Ya know?
Oh, God, I know. Yes, I know...So you had this conscious uncoupling from Chris Martin. Then he consciously coupled with Jennifer Lawrence, who's 24. And then rumors spread that he and 24 year old J. Law uncoupled. Now you're coupling again with Chris or maybe he's still uncoupling with hot young 24 year old, unconscious Jennifer Lawrence. Are you conscious of the rumors?
Oh yeah, I do ever-thing uncautiously. She nods her head. Chris is a rock. Honestly it's as if I heard the rock say: You have the answers. You are your teacher. I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.
Robyn rolls her eyes and smiles at Gwyneth. Trippy!
Yeah. Totally.
Let's talk about the cookbook you wrote called It's All Good with pictures of you on every other page and a diet that costs over $150 per week. One Amazon reviewer wrote: "I'd need a loan to feed the family." You include turkey in a vegan recipe. On a different but related note, you said that "movie making is not supposed to be a masturbatory exercise. It's supposed to be shared by other people." This all goes to prove that you're not smart.
Mind you, I'm terrible at maths. I can't even do my six year old's maths homework with her.
Robyn's eyebrows shoot up. What I want to emphasize, GP--those are your initials--is that while you're not a bad person, you're a stupid one. And you're not nearly as pretty as you and Time magazine think you are. Stupid is ugly, girlfriend. Robyn looks at the camera now. I encourage you, dear audience, to stay on track -- even if the track isn't pretty, and even if it doesn't get you the whopping $25,000 per day, week, or year. Yeah, it'd be nice to have wealth. But since we don't, let's fall back onto good old fashioned compassion and creativity. Because that's what's good, not a stupid cookbook with vegan turkey recipes by a plain Jane with no brains for maths. Keep taking the high road. It will pay off. So we must believe!
Stay smart, creative, and persistent, my friends! You are what's ALL GOOD.
Italicized comments = actual Gwyneth Paltrow quotes.
I wonder if her daughter already resents being named 'Apple'. It won't be fun when classroom wags start giving her nicknames like 'Arkansas Black'. And I don't understand the Chris Martin situation - didn't he once call her his 'beard'?
ReplyDeleteHahaha! I love this post.
ReplyDeleteNot the sharpest knife in the drawer, is she? :)
Apple is the worst name ever. Poor kid is fruity.
ReplyDeleteOver six hundred a month to feed one person? I couldn't afford to feed my family either.
I hate to tell her, but the turkey meat negates the vegan part.
ReplyDeleteMom and I were having a similar discussion yesterday and GP entered it (not because of the cookbook, which I haven't seen) BUT just this: Celebs really should keep their mouths shut except when they are singing or acting. Every time they open them, they make me hate them. Or not want to see their movies or buy their records.
ReplyDeleteThe other part of this equation is that the masses LOVE royalty (I think maybe need it) and celebs are the royalty of this generation. The difference between celebs and the royals of old, is that the royals were born royal. They were ingrained with a sense of duty. In other words, being born royal helped. Now we have celebs who achieve success at some point and "royalty" is thrust upon them. They can't handle it.
The best course (which will not happen) would be that the people stop putting these folks on high. They are not royal. They are actors, who are good at playing other people. Doesn't make them smart, nice, or even good. Or musicians, who are good at playing music. Doesn't make them smart, nice, or good.
Rant over. Thanks for hitting my zone.
But wait, the TV has told me she's pretty, so I must believe she's pretty! Would the TV lie to me??? Next thing you're gonna tell me, Chris Martin isn't a musical genius.
ReplyDelete(Also, can I just say, I absolutely love when you use real quotes in these things)
BTW, to add to that whole "her cookbook is stupid and she's stupid" thing, she writes in there that she's gluten free because doctors say that gluten "tears up your insides." But she also lets her "kids be kids" so they eat things like Oreos for dessert. Which is gluten. Let that sink in.
Poor, poor GP. She really does reach and grab for air fluff doesn't she. She is in her own little world which I would never want to visit. It is a shame that these people, who have talent in one area(this can be argued) feel they have talent in others and because of their name, they can publish things while really talented people have difficulties. I say we laugh and giggle at their books while we enjoy the actual writer's books. She reminds me of Vapid White..um...I mean Vanna White who once wrote a book, a very, sad, sad book
ReplyDeleteYou had me at "wearing two black sleeves." Hahaha! :D
ReplyDeleteSo, wait, are you saying GP isn't a cooking expert? Or a relationship expert? Or even a vegan expert? How have I allowed myself to believe otherwise? Oh, right, people think because these people earn millions of dollars to memorize, they're experts in all they touch.
ReplyDelete(I will admit, I loved her performance in Thanks For Sharing - but I'm partial to that kind of thing….)
Have a great week, my friend!
Elsie
I might have needed a chart on the couple/uncoupling issue - that was funny. Oh, you just captured her perfectly - just too full of herself. Glad for your interview skills and your compassion and your creativity, and for no vegan chocolate goop.
ReplyDeleteJoanne, I had too much fodder for this post. It would've been too long. One thing I cut out was that her cookbook includes a recipe for a smoothie: avocado plus cocoa powder. Now that's obscene.
ReplyDeleteBB, I have never felt inclined to copy and paste a comment to my comments, but yours is blog gold: "She really does reach and grab for air fluff doesn't she"?! Thank you!
BnB, don't you guys understand? It's about balance. *smile, flinging back fake blonde highlighted hair.* Toss in some deep fried gluten free kale chips and you somehow balance out the maths to the equation.
I love you people.
Thanks for the laughs.
xoRobyn
600 a month? Pfft yeah right. Apple better be the apple of her eye because her brain doesn't have the maths to add anything up.
ReplyDeleteRobyn, thanks for the laughs.I'm not a big Gwenneth Paltrow fan. I lot of actresses could be cast for her roles and the same movies would have done just fine.
ReplyDeleteLMAO!! Paltrow is moronic. She's so dippy, I can't believe companies want her endorsement. Thanks for the laugh, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteWhen I worked at the nursing home, a hideous patient had the nicest daughter. The daughter would come in every evening to check on her mom (for about two minutes), and then she'd spend thirty - sixty minutes walking around to greet patients and hug staff members. She was one of the kindest people I've ever met. Her name was Apple, so I always defend Gwyneth for naming her daughter Apple.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
I hear that Martha Stewart has a contract out on her.
ReplyDeleteI do noooooo like GP at all. She's so out of touch and so talentless and is only a celebrity b/c of who her parents are. I always thought Chris Martin could do so much better.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wonder whether they believe their own publicity. And then I watch their behaviour. Yes they do.
ReplyDeleteSigh.
Mind you, your interviews are the best reason I can think of for not annihilating rather a lot of celebs.
Well, thank you for teaching me everything I will ever need to know about her. A GP cookbook has all the appeal of a movie documentary night with your date being Barbra Streisand.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the way she sings. She did a duet with Babyface, and one w/Huey Lewis and I thought they were both really good. I don't think you can put turkey in a vegan recipe though... she should penalize her editor. ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat interview. Every time GP opens her mouth I want to cover my ears. Another reason people should never listen to celebrities about politics or anything for that matter.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd be afraid to let you interview me. No worries though because I'm not famous, rich or beautiful.
ReplyDeleteRobyn, I had no idea you could be so harsh! I'm strangely aroused.
ReplyDeleteI have a punch list. If I ever see these people in person, I will for sure punch them. GP is at the very top of that list. She is so out of touch with reality, and every time she speaks, I just want to suffocate her.
ReplyDeleteA little dark comment today, but hey, it's good for the soul sometimes, right?
Michael, I have been giggling at EVERY comment here. Yours, though, made me burst into laughter that rattled the cat and woke up the neighborhood. Thank you. It was good for me. Wink.
ReplyDeleteStephen, neither are you stupid. You've nothing to worry about.
JJ, Gwyneth chose Apple because "it's lovely". Sounds like there are two Apples with hideous mothers.
Theresa, bring on the darkness. Black eyes might do her some good.
Love and laughter,
xoRobyn
Robyn, are you trying to tell us something about Gwyneth? *giggle*
ReplyDeleteThe actual quotes are mind boggling. She's like a beauty pageant queen...without something on world peace.
I think this was one of your best IWSG interviews! Loved the "coupling and uncoupling" bit, as well as many of her other quotes. You played a great "straight man," while she continued to dig herself deeper. Though you had me on the floor when you said, "This all goes to prove that you're not smart!" Nicely played, Robyn!
ReplyDeleteJulie
Awww poor Goopy (I'm assuming that's her nickname) she's just a regular person who came from a famous millionaire acting family who then had to scrape and claw her way into nepotism and now wants to impart her oh-so-relatable wisdom to us plebeians groveling at her thousand dollar platinum shoes begging for scraps off her lavish plate. Maybe she can teach me how to avoid run-on sentences.
ReplyDeleteI warmly greet and invite you to see my new post on the blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing at the blonde highlights. :P
ReplyDeleteHe "consciously coupled" with Jennifer Lawrence?
ReplyDeleteThat would only be polite, I suppose.
Wow you met Gwenyth Paltrow! I loved the interview. It's nice to hear that she's not good at math because I'm not either!
ReplyDeletePriceless, kiddo! Like Daisy, said, you had me from the "wearing two black sleeves" part. But hey! Look on the bright side: at least she isn't running for any political office. Oh, Gawd, you don't think she WOULD, do you? I mean, if yanno, someone filled out all the forms for her, and told her what to say... Sheesh. She'd probably get elected.
ReplyDeleteAvantika, thank you for visiting. If I'd known you wanted to meet her, I would've sold you a ticket to the show. Maybe next time.
ReplyDeleteMarciento, is your message for me or Gwyneth Paltrow?
Cheers, all.
xoRobyn
Her and Cameron Diaz- they're pretty, but I don't see them as the gorgeous chicks the media says they are.
ReplyDeleteAnd to add twit to that? def not pretty. And that naming your kid after a fruit was just mean. I hope she doesn't grow up to be round and red.
Will do. Staying creative is super important.
ReplyDeleteSeriously. Conscious uncoupling? What even is that?! It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteHey Robyn!
ReplyDeleteAha, It's All Good! After reading your interview with her, I have this urge to listen to Coldplay and then puke violently.
Gwyneth and I have a similarity. We both have the same initials. That's hopefully where the similarity ends....
Gary :) x
OMG Robyn! How did I not ever find your blog before today?? You are absolutely hysterical and I love your site. This is reason number one why I love the IWSG.
ReplyDeleteThis post was too funny and I have to say, I also loved your Halloween Erotica!! You've found yourself a new follower! Have a great night! Eva
I've always had a bit of a crush on her :)
ReplyDeleteI really wanted to read her book. Now I'm not so sure anymore. By the way, your Belgian chocolate is on its way ;-)
ReplyDeleteSo glad I stopped by today. This was priceless. This woman really is 'dumb as a post'.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably more a situation that I'm incapable of comprehending her genius than anything. So I will say nothing.
ReplyDeleteQuality post.
Stupid is ugly haha aint that the truth! Hallelujah Robyn! A classic. Glad to see you didnt hold back. I never thought her good looking, even when she was 'acting'.
ReplyDeleteAs for Jennifer Lawrence, she isnt much better - sorry, but once I saw that hacked photo with her and a load of jizz on her face, I cannot watch her without laughing..
Dinner with Gwyneth or Robyn? Robyn! Robyn! Robyn! Robyn is an inspiration; Gwyneth is an insult!
ReplyDelete