It's time to unleash our writerly insecurities, empathize with each others' writerly neuroses, and cheer on each others' writerly accomplishments. Alex J. Cavanaugh, our fearless leader, founded this Insecure Writer's writerly Support Group. Thank you, Alex.
Today, ladies and gentleman, I bring you actress, singer, and - cough - "writer,"
Gwyneth Paltrow!
Gwyneth enters the stage wearing two black sleeves and a pair of black slacks. Robyn motions towards a vanity chair, and Gwyneth takes a seat. Robyn plops down on a chocolate brown bean bag.
So Gwyneth, you have some big Goop apps with recipes and lifestyle tips and such, is that right?
I'm not really sure. You'd have to ask Apple.
Apple? Your daughter?
No but she is smarter than me. Gwyneth laughs.
I bet.
But um you need to ask Apple Computer about stuff like that or the Googler or like Mac Yahoo or someone. I don't really know. I just make a lot of money with my name on it. I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year. Ya know?
Oh, God, I know. Yes, I know...So you had this conscious uncoupling from Chris Martin. Then he consciously coupled with Jennifer Lawrence, who's 24. And then rumors spread that he and 24 year old J. Law uncoupled. Now you're coupling again with Chris or maybe he's still uncoupling with hot young 24 year old, unconscious Jennifer Lawrence. Are you conscious of the rumors?
Oh yeah, I do ever-thing uncautiously. She nods her head. Chris is a rock. Honestly it's as if I heard the rock say: You have the answers. You are your teacher. I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.
Robyn rolls her eyes and smiles at Gwyneth. Trippy!
Yeah. Totally.
Let's talk about the cookbook you wrote called It's All Good with pictures of you on every other page and a diet that costs over $150 per week. One Amazon reviewer wrote: "I'd need a loan to feed the family." You include turkey in a vegan recipe. On a different but related note, you said that "movie making is not supposed to be a masturbatory exercise. It's supposed to be shared by other people." This all goes to prove that you're not smart.
Mind you, I'm terrible at maths. I can't even do my six year old's maths homework with her.
Robyn's eyebrows shoot up. What I want to emphasize, GP--those are your initials--is that while you're not a bad person, you're a stupid one. And you're not nearly as pretty as you and Time magazine think you are. Stupid is ugly, girlfriend. Robyn looks at the camera now. I encourage you, dear audience, to stay on track -- even if the track isn't pretty, and even if it doesn't get you the whopping $25,000 per day, week, or year. Yeah, it'd be nice to have wealth. But since we don't, let's fall back onto good old fashioned compassion and creativity. Because that's what's good, not a stupid cookbook with vegan turkey recipes by a plain Jane with no brains for maths. Keep taking the high road. It will pay off. So we must believe!
Stay smart, creative, and persistent, my friends! You are what's ALL GOOD.
Italicized comments = actual Gwyneth Paltrow quotes.
