And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Interview With Brittney Spears: IWSG

First Wed of Every Month     

It's thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh that we bring you the IWSG on the first Wednesday of the month. Insecurities are revealed, support is offered, and - in my case - weirdness abounds. If you haven't joined us, please do. You won't regret it. All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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Robyn: Ladies and gents, one of the biggest pop icons of all time is here today. As a teen idol in the 90s she had the highest grossing albums and worldwide concert tours. Now, at age 32, she's performing in Vegas, along with the likes of Barry Manilow and Wayne Newton. Let's welcome Brittney Spears!

Britteny walks out wearing torn jean shorts, a hot pink tank top, and black heels.She and Robyn shake hands and sit facing each other on cushioned chairs.
Robyn: Thanks for taking the time to be here today.

Britteny, smiling: Personally, I'm a shy person and I'm particularly not really made for this industry because I am so shy.* It's not something I deal with so well. I'm not saying it's good to be a bitch, but a lot of times in this industry it's better to speak up and say what's on your mind, which I have a problem with.*

Robyn, with raised eyebrows: I see. You're free to speak your mind here, darling. I do need to ask, though, why Vegas?

Brittney: I figured it'd be a really good place for the children and the family. It was kind of like an ideal situation.* Besides, I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.*


Robyn: Mmkay, well, today is the first meeting of the the year for the IWSG. I've pretty much addressed all my insecurities in this group, and I'm not so great at imparting inspiration. I was hoping you'd do that. You've been through a lot and you're, well, you're in --Robyn's voice drops and she smirks--Vegas, with other has-beens. Let's face it, girlfriend, you're a mess -- in and out of the mental ward; conserved by your daddy because you're too unstable to make your own decisions; your first marriage lasted 55 hours and your second, three weeks. 

Shocked, Brittney starts to cry.

Robyn softens her tone. No, no, no. Don't take it as a negative. I was saying all that to show how much you're misunderstood. Because the truth about you, dear, is that you're actually prolific.

Britteny sits up taller. Thanks, but I'm not politic. I don't talk about President Osama. She smiles. I don't like to start stuff. She giggles.

Robyn: No, I meant meaningful, deep.  You even write poetry. In fact, I'll share a few lines from a poem you wrote for Kevin Federline. Robyn takes out an index card and reads, dramatically:

      You come to me now. Why do you bother? 
     Remember the Bible. The sins of the Father.
     What you do, you pass down
     No wonder why I lost my crown.*

Brittney smiles, proudly. 

Robyn, sarcastically: Good stuff. I like how you rhyme "bother" with "Father."  It's brilliant! And you call your Vegas show your biography. Fascinating. You're practically the main character of your own book!

Britteny: Yeah, I never thought about it that way. I'm creative and autistic, so it makes cents.

Robyn: Well, I'm pretty bored. So do you have any final words of inspiration for writers everywhere?

Britteny: Yes, from my new release, Work Bitch, I have to say: Hold your head high. They're gonna try and try ya, but they can't deny ya!* And my concert is called "You want a piece of me."

I look at it like a superstar, like super-confident 'You want a piece of me?'*

Robyn: That's good. Relevant, really. Perhaps the most relevant thing you've contributed in the past decade. Thank you, Miss Spears. And best of luck in Vegas. 

Britteny smiles. Her body guard, Arnold Schwarzenegger (he needed a new job) approaches and escorts her off the stage.

Robyn, looking directly at the camera: Keep holding your head up high, folks. They'll try and try us. And they CAN deny us. But confidence pays off. Be super-confident, like Britteny. Ignore all the nastiness people sling your way, and have a productive, self-satisfying 2014.

*Britteny's actual quotes, poetry, and song lyrics.

35 comments:

  1. I think that Britney rhymes as well as I do. Maybe I can become a politic songwriter too! Now if Britney performed with Arnold, that would be an exciting show! Very cute Robyn!

    Julie

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  2. Super confidence, complete ignorance, and no understanding of the human language can get you far.
    That was hilarious!
    And yeah, sadly she rhymes better than I do.

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  3. Love your satirical interviews :) they bring me joy

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  4. "I'm bored"-- about made me spit out my coffee. Yup, that's about how I feel anytime I read real interview with a celeb (and why should I care what he/she thinks?). So fun, Robyn. I'm truly inspired. Have a great day.

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  5. She certainly is a has-been. Great interview! lol

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  6. Trying to remain in the lime light as she and wayne Newton play all night, hmmm that could be taken the wrong way, but it's okay.

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  7. And to think I ever believed this girl ate squirrels. The goddam lies people tell about her. Great interview, Robyn. You got so much out of her without even kissing her on the lips.

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  8. Hahahaha. You could give Oprah a run for her money. You really pulled the good stuff out of her. No one doubts she is lacking cents.

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  9. Can you see me shaking my head? I would laugh, but then I'm not sure that would be kind. Actually, I'm not sure what 'kind' she might be. As always your interviews dig deep into the shallow pool of the celebrity psyche. I love it! Happy New Year m'dear.

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  10. Very clever, thanks for making me smile today :)

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  11. Politic/prolific? I'll forgive poor Brittney this one.

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  12. My gym keeps playing her new song. Now I'm going to thing about this interview every time I hear it and smile.

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  13. She does Vegas now? That is really sad. Then again, kinda funny!

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  14. It's nice to know that Arnold found work and that Brittney's family will fit right in in Vegas. After all, Sin City is such a family-oriented town. Funny as always, Robyn!

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  15. "They're gonna try and try ya."

    Good to know! I'll be ready for them if they do. Thanks for the heads up, Brittney.

    Cute post, Robyn. Thank you for making me smile. You always brighten my day. :-)

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  16. "I'm bored!"... God, I just about peed my pants on that one.

    I'm gonna give Britney some credit here. Obviously the jokes on us. She keeps churning out shit, lip syncing through her shows, and all she has to do is bat her eyes and people buy into it. Kudos for a well played game Britney. You're pulling it off better than I ever could....

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  17. Funny and sad! I love your interviews, Robyn. You should have your own talk show :)

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  18. She makes total sense. Like an ant talking French to a Russian speaking moth. Totally makes sense.

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  19. Thank you, my sillies. I'm always glad to make you smile and/or laugh.

    Farawayeyes, I love the phrase "shallow pool of the celebrity psyche." It's so accurate. Thanks.

    Christian, me too. And a proud virgin too. I mean, I remember when Britteny was...and when I was too.

    Diane, I agree: sad and funny.

    Theresa, she is persistent and she's still a millionaire (I assume).

    BabySis, excellent analogy. Thanks.

    I appreciate all of you. I'm going to try to sleep off a cold and will be making blog-rounds asap.

    Keep a smile and a stash of fair trade chocolate.

    xoRobyn

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  20. You are just sooo clever!! I love the line "I'm creative and autistic, so it makes cents."

    I guess I have never paid any attention to what Britney says or sings about. I found the quotes from her funny. I guess there isn't a correlation between being well spoken and being filthy rich.

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  21. Have you been thinking about the power sources and the tiles whom use blocks
    I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoyed every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out the new stuff you post.
    Web Design Company in India

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  22. Ooooo! Britney Spears! Could you get me a lock of her hair?

    Very hard-hitting exposé, Robyn. You asked all the toughies. ;) Hugs.

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  23. Loved this, Robyn! Gag me, girlfriend. ;) What a sad commentary on what's important to the majority of people out there and the money they'll throw at those who spew it.
    BUY A BOOK, PEOPLE!

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  24. Vegas, the land of has-beens? Uh, I think Mr. Carrot Top, Mr. Criss Angel, and Donny and Marie Osmond would disagree with that. Yes, THE Carrot Top.

    Also, you know you've hit rock bottom when a gay man is a better you... than you.

    Derrick Barry as Britney Spears

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  25. Oh, Brittney, you never disappoint! Lovely interview. Insightful, 2.

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  26. Too bad for her once Miley got that twerking gig.

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  27. Hey Robyn,

    You get to interview the gosh darn bestest folks. I'm amazed that you, the secret celebrity, find the time for folks such as the adorable Brittney, Britney, or Britteney.

    Of course, modest Barry Manilow writes the songs that make the whole world sing. Wayne Newton? I didn't know he was still alive.

    Fun interview. I'm going now!

    Gary :) x

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  28. Gary, I don't know if he's still alive either. Probably not. I just know that he was always playing in Vegas everytime I visited.

    Happy weekend, everyone.
    xoRobyn

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  29. OMG that's funny! haha
    And mind boggling! Actual lyrics?
    Oh God, I hope she stays in Vegas and hopefully in a few years she'll fade into obscurity where she belongs.
    A great role model for millions of girls/women worldwide, along with Mariah (Africa flies) Carey, Kim Kardashian and Justin Beieber.. Beiber's a girl right?

    x

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  30. Thanks for the laugh! Now I don't have to go to Vegas for the show : ).

    Leanne ( http://read.wordpress.com )

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