Interview With Brittney Spears: IWSG

    

It's thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh that we bring you the IWSG on the first Wednesday of the month. Insecurities are revealed, support is offered, and - in my case - weirdness abounds. If you haven't joined us, please do. You won't regret it. All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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Robyn: Ladies and gents, one of the biggest pop icons of all time is here today. As a teen idol in the 90s she had the highest grossing albums and worldwide concert tours. Now, at age 32, she's performing in Vegas, along with the likes of Barry Manilow and Wayne Newton. Let's welcome Brittney Spears!

Britteny walks out wearing torn jean shorts, a hot pink tank top, and black heels.She and Robyn shake hands and sit facing each other on cushioned chairs.
Robyn: Thanks for taking the time to be here today.

Britteny, smiling: Personally, I'm a shy person and I'm particularly not really made for this industry because I am so shy.* It's not something I deal with so well. I'm not saying it's good to be a bitch, but a lot of times in this industry it's better to speak up and say what's on your mind, which I have a problem with.*

Robyn, with raised eyebrows: I see. You're free to speak your mind here, darling. I do need to ask, though, why Vegas?

Brittney: I figured it'd be a really good place for the children and the family. It was kind of like an ideal situation.* Besides, I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.*


Robyn: Mmkay, well, today is the first meeting of the the year for the IWSG. I've pretty much addressed all my insecurities in this group, and I'm not so great at imparting inspiration. I was hoping you'd do that. You've been through a lot and you're, well, you're in --Robyn's voice drops and she smirks--Vegas, with other has-beens. Let's face it, girlfriend, you're a mess -- in and out of the mental ward; conserved by your daddy because you're too unstable to make your own decisions; your first marriage lasted 55 hours and your second, three weeks. 

Shocked, Brittney starts to cry.

Robyn softens her tone. No, no, no. Don't take it as a negative. I was saying all that to show how much you're misunderstood. Because the truth about you, dear, is that you're actually prolific.

Britteny sits up taller. Thanks, but I'm not politic. I don't talk about President Osama. She smiles. I don't like to start stuff. She giggles.

Robyn: No, I meant meaningful, deep.  You even write poetry. In fact, I'll share a few lines from a poem you wrote for Kevin Federline. Robyn takes out an index card and reads, dramatically:

      You come to me now. Why do you bother? 

     Remember the Bible. The sins of the Father.
     What you do, you pass down
     No wonder why I lost my crown.*

Brittney smiles, proudly. 

Robyn, sarcastically: Good stuff. I like how you rhyme "bother" with "Father."  It's brilliant! And you call your Vegas show your biography. Fascinating. You're practically the main character of your own book!

Britteny: Yeah, I never thought about it that way. I'm creative and autistic, so it makes cents.

Robyn: Well, I'm pretty bored. So do you have any final words of inspiration for writers everywhere?

Britteny: Yes, from my new release, Work Bitch, I have to say: Hold your head high. They're gonna try and try ya, but they can't deny ya!* And my concert is called "You want a piece of me."

I look at it like a superstar, like super-confident 'You want a piece of me?'*

Robyn: That's good. Relevant, really. Perhaps the most relevant thing you've contributed in the past decade. Thank you, Miss Spears. And best of luck in Vegas. 

Britteny smiles. Her body guard, Arnold Schwarzenegger (he needed a new job) approaches and escorts her off the stage.

Robyn, looking directly at the camera: Keep holding your head up high, folks. They'll try and try us. And they CAN deny us. But confidence pays off. Be super-confident, like Britteny. Ignore all the nastiness people sling your way, and have a productive, self-satisfying 2014.

*Britteny's actual quotes, poetry, and song lyrics.