Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Interview with Snooki, IWSG

                                                     
Hi, friends. I've driven across a stretch of CA today, so that's my excuse for a repulsive choice in interview guests. It's also my excuse for typos, weirdness beyond the usual quirkitude found here, and anything else I might need excused from here on out. Phew! Thanks.

I'm combining this post for the IWSG (a wonderful support group founded by none other than Alex J. Cavanaugh) with a Reality Award that Farawayeyes gave me last week. The honor involves my answering these questions: If you could change one thing, what would it be? If you could repeat one age, what would it be? What one thing really scares you? If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?...Gulp. Did I mention I'm tired from driving several hundred miles today? It's now 11:59pm, and I'm detrmined to write and post this within the next 60 seconds, or before I fall asleep.
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Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't think it was possible, but I've sunk to a new low, the lowest of lows. You guessed it, Snooki's here. An enraged audience compels Robyn to dodge paper airplanes, hand-grenades and a spray of bullets.   Snooki struts onto the stage, wearing dental floss - or perhaps it's a bikini; flip-flops, and big gaudy silver sunglasses. She takes a swig of a Corona, and waves at the two people remaining in the audience (Honey Boo Boo and her mother, June).

Robyn: Um, thanks? I mean, thanks, Snook. Thanks for coming. I'm sure you hear that a lot. Thanks for coming, er cum-ming, that is. Robyn smirks and elbows her playfully.

Snooki: Well I totally say it more than I hear it. But, yeah whatever.

Robyn: If I could change one thing, Snooki, it would be the fact that you earn $150K per episode, yet you lack a functioning braincell or an ethic. Meanwhile, lots of us IWSG members are intelligent and ethical, yet we struggle to achieve a modicum of success. It's not a fair world. I'd make the world fair if I could. But I didn't ask you here to tell you that. I invited you because I'm feeling insecure about being so dang slow. It takes me weeks or months to write a chapter, or even a paragraph sometimes. You're as slow as they get. Tell me, how do you handle being so slow?

Snooki: Like people say I'm slow all the times. But I went to collage an I writed two books already. So I ain't not slow like you b*tch!

Robyn: You have a point. You writed two books. And they say sh*t like "she farted and it stunk." So we're not talking about speed. We're talking quality, or lack thereof.

Snooki: Totally.

Robyn: Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about speed. But what really scares me is that the world is all about the stupid, unscrupulous buffoons like you.  And people like you keep breeding. If I could be someone else for a day, I'd be the doctor who delivered your baby, and I'd hand him over to someone who'd set a better example for the next generation. Say, where is your baby, anyway?

Snooki: My baby? Oh sh*t! I left him at home alone. She laughs and takes another swig of her beer.

Robyn: No worries, he's better off.  And if I could repeat one age, it'd be anytime prior to the past 26 years. Before you were born, that is. As a public service, Snooks, I've got a parting gift for you. Robyn turns towards the camera man and tells him to signal the truck drivers to bring 'em over. He nods. We've got 25 truckloads of condoms for you, hon, to ensure you never breed again. And there's a special education tutor back stage to teach you how to use them. Robyn hands her a cucumber. Snooki looks confused, licks it, and struts off stage.

Robyn looks at the camera: Thank you for tuning in today. If anything, I hope it gives you hope. We can only hope certain people will stop breeding. We can also only hope that quality will prevail -- that if we stick to what's good and right, and if we write what's good and right, rewards will be forthcoming. Have a good day and keep faith, everyone.

31 comments:

  1. I would've never known how exhausted you were by reading this Robyn. You're still funny as ever, and you even added an important message. You are a real pro, and not in a Snooki kind of way. Hope you had a great family visit!

    Julie

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  2. Nice play off the questions and those with functioning brain cells always get the shaft.

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  3. Thanks for the laughs.

    Snooki owes you for getting her name back out in public. She has pretty much disappeared from being the "ick" girl of the moment.

    I would say she should be kissing your feet but then I am sure you don't want any part of her mouth near you.

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  4. I actually agree with the core point of this Robyn. That it's unfair that Snooki gets paid 150,000 pounds an episode while people who actually do a good job in writing and other things get paid in buttons, it's a disgrace. One thing I will say about Snooki is that it does seem like she has wised up a little since having a child, not enough though in my opinion.

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  5. Too bad people wouldn't stop watching such baffoons.

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  6. As usual hilarious. Great way to handle the award and kudos to you for combining it with the IWSG. I totally agree. ONE CAN ONLY HOPE!

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  7. Hi Robyn and Snooki,

    How surreal was this? And yes, I'm a starstruck fan of the both of you. Right then, time to go take my medication!

    Gary :)

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  8. Maybe we should all chip in and get her fixed?
    Another funny entry! Not sure why your posts aren't showing up in my reader.

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  9. Very funny. And I learned something, the name of Honey Boo-Boo's mother, and only had to sacrifice - how many brain cells? that could've been devoted to nuclear physics.

    Or maybe just a trashy romance novel.

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  10. Where was JWOWW?! Or Jionni? Anyway, the last time I was in Atlantic City.... Before the storm hit Sea Side... My Daughter, Granddaughter and I went to Sea Side to see where Jersey Shore was filmed.

    Bad day from the start.. when I stepped on the boardwalk in Sea Side a bird Pooped on my head and the day just got worse from there....

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  11. hope you get to recover from driving hundreds of miles! fun interview!
    Nutschell
    www.thewritingnut.com

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  12. Not a Snooki fan, but this was a fun read.

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  13. How privileged I feel not to know who she is. Uh-oh, Wikipedia has destroyed my blissful ignorance. Is she being paid to make Kim Kardashian look beautiful and intelligent?

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  14. Laughed all the way through! Thank you!

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  15. Yes, there is always hope, even in the wake of skankiness like Snooki :) Hopefully there are more intelligent readers that look for writing that is good and right than those looking for the sensational crappola.

    Love how you combined the award questions and IWSG! Hope you get some rest! :)

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  16. GB, yes, that's a very accurate description of her.

    MyJourney, oh no. Nothing about Jersey Shore was meant to be.

    Stephen, it's great to see you back.

    Cheryl and Marta, I'm always glad to bring on laughter at stupid people's expense.

    Thank you, everyone, for the great comments. I just finished the rest of my drive - 400 miles each way, broken down into 2 days - and am looking longingly at my bed. So I'm sorry I'm not responding to everyone right now. I'll make rounds in the next few days. PS I had a wonderful time with my nephew. He wanted me to stay "forever;" it was tough to break away.

    Be well.
    xoRobyn

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  17. I can't figure out whether this is hilarious or soul crushing, you know, after that whole paycheck reminder. Also, you can get her all the special ed tutors in the world, but all it takes is one semi-good looking Guido to tell her "no baby I don't like condoms they irritate my skin" for this mongoloid to get knocked up again.

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  18. Is it sad that I have never seen Snooki's TV show? You have made me realize that I have better brain power for it.
    Good interview!

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  19. That Snooki is such a hoot ;) This is my first time visiting. Thanks for making me smile this morning. Stop by our blog at http://citymusecountrymuse2012.blogspot.com/ and sign up if you like what you see!

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  20. This was hilarious! Sadly, there was so much truth in this interview it was also scary. This is the type of interview I'd pay to see.

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  21. You had me at "repulsive" -- nicely done.

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  22. hey Robyn - what exactly is the point of Snooki? xo

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  23. My daughter came over for Easter dinner (on...uh...Easter). After dinner, she turned MTV on (you know, the channel that doesn't play music videos anymore). She watched "Snooki and Jwwow."
    I've failed as a parent.

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  24. BnB, I know. I know. Sorry. I default to denial (otherwise, I'm inclined to commit homicide) when it comes to such stupid people making ludicrous gobs of money and breeding non-stop.

    Ruth, yes. I respect you even more.

    Juliet, thanks so much.

    Elsie, I'm honored. If I got paid for this, I'd donate the money to a worthy cause, like getting Snooki 'fixed.'

    Milo, thank you. I appreciate it.

    David, I don't know. She's a 4'9" waste of space.

    Al, you have failed. I'm so sorry. That must've been difficult to admit. I don't think any less of you. At least, I'm trying not to.

    xoRobyn

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  25. The doctor should just remove her uterus or vagina.

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  26. I LOVE this!! You did a great job combining the two different themes, and you didn't write like you were tired one bit.

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