Tuesday, June 12, 2012
On Why I Choose Celibacy Reason #191: The Droner
One of the worst things writers can do, I believe, is bore their readers. That said, this post is a fail. Forgive me. Perhaps you struggle with insomnia, though, in which case this may ease your affliction; feel free to read and re-read as often as necessary.
According to Merriam-Webster’s on-line dictionary, a “drone” is “a deep sustained or monotonous sound.”
According to me, a “droner” is one who inflicts boredom with a side of “Wake me up when you’re done!”
Last week, I met Droner for coffee at a local Starbucks.
What’s that yellowish speck on his unibrow, just left of center? I ponder, as Droner drones.
“It’s an okay job and all but it’s only part time, no benefits or nothin. And the pay schedule messes me up. I keep asking for every two weeks but sometimes my check doesn’t go through until after fourteen days...” He sighs. “I always argue with my friend, Bill, about destiny versus free will. I believe it’s all about destiny. I mean, everythin that happens to a person was gonna happen no matter what. I don’t believe in religion. It causes too many problems for this world...”
I’m thinking that speck is a piece of a muffin, maybe poppyseed. People who eat poppyseed muffins test positive for opiates. Wonder if it fuels his droning. I don’t know, but I could really use a poppyseed muffin right now.
I force my gaze off his unibrow. “Um, yeah.” It seemed the best response to whatever I was responding to.
“Well, I’m stepping out for a quick cigarette break. I’ll be right back.”
“Alright.” Really, dude? You drone for 13 minutes and need a smoke?
Relief, a friend, a normal guy, walks in.
“Hi Robyn. How’s it going?”
“Doing alright.” Trying to stay awake. “How about you?”
“Good, Allison just sent me over for some coffee.” We chat for a bit...
“How's Allison?” Lucky lady, not stuck with Droner.
“She’s well. We’re heading for Napa this weekend. Have you been there?”
Droner walks back in. Ken sees him approach the table and says, “Well, see you later, Robyn.”
Don't leave me. “Good seeing you, Ken.”
“So you saw a friend? Me too.” He chuckles. “The dude always bums cigarettes off me. I gave him my last one. Man, did you see that wind yesterday? It was pretty brutal. I’m going fishing this weekend but need to dig up the ‘ole fishing pole from my garage. I have so much garbage in there I don’t know where to find it.”
He lifts his glass to take a sip.
I raise my left wrist to conspicuously check the time. “Well, I’m afraid I need to get going. I have an early day tomorrow.”
“Okay, let me know if you wanna get together again and go to the Farmer’s Market or somethin. Or we could go hiking around here or to Sacramento or Honey Run bridge or somethin. It’s all good, except when the weather's lousy. There’s some rainclouds out now. Look at that! You never know what it’s gonna be like out there. Well, nice meeting you. Just let me know.”
“I will.” I lie. “Nice meeting you too.” I lie again.
On the way to my car, I stop by Peet’s for a poppyseed muffin. I take it home to enjoy in the harmoniously non-boring absence of Droner.