Tuesday, June 12, 2012

On Why I Choose Celibacy Reason #191: The Droner


One of the worst things writers can do, I believe, is bore their readers. That said, this post is a fail. Forgive me. Perhaps you struggle with insomnia, though, in which case this may ease your affliction; feel free to read and re-read as often as necessary.

According to Merriam-Webster’s on-line dictionary, a “drone” is “a deep sustained or monotonous sound.”

According to me, a “droner” is one who inflicts boredom with a side of “Wake me up when you’re done!”

Last week, I met Droner for coffee at a local Starbucks.
~~~
What’s that yellowish speck on his unibrow, just left of center? I ponder, as Droner drones.

“It’s an okay job and all but it’s only part time, no benefits or nothin. And the pay schedule messes me up. I keep asking for every two weeks but sometimes my check doesn’t go through until after fourteen days...” He sighs. “I always argue with my friend, Bill, about destiny versus free will. I believe it’s all about destiny. I mean, everythin that happens to a person was gonna happen no matter what. I don’t believe in religion. It causes too many problems for this world...”

I’m thinking that speck is a piece of a muffin, maybe poppyseed. People who eat poppyseed muffins test positive for opiates. Wonder if it fuels his droning. I don’t know, but I could really use a poppyseed muffin right now.

“You know?”

I force my gaze off his unibrow. “Um, yeah.” It seemed the best response to whatever I was responding to.

“Well, I’m stepping out for a quick cigarette break. I’ll be right back.”

“Alright.” Really, dude? You drone for 13 minutes and need a smoke?

Relief, a friend, a normal guy, walks in.
“Hi Ken.”

“Hi Robyn. How’s it going?”

“Doing alright.” Trying to stay awake. “How about you?”

“Good, Allison just sent me over for some coffee.” We chat for a bit...
“How's Allison?” Lucky lady, not stuck with Droner.

“She’s well. We’re heading for Napa this weekend. Have you been there?”

Droner walks back in. Ken sees him approach the table and says, “Well, see you later, Robyn.”

Don't leave me. “Good seeing you, Ken.” 

“So you saw a friend? Me too.” He chuckles. “The dude always bums cigarettes off me. I gave him my last one. Man, did you see that wind yesterday? It was pretty brutal. I’m going fishing this weekend but need to dig up the ‘ole fishing pole from my garage. I have so much garbage in there I don’t know where to find it.”

He lifts his glass to take a sip.

I raise my left wrist to conspicuously check the time. “Well, I’m afraid I need to get going. I have an early day tomorrow.”

“Okay, let me know if you wanna get together again and go to the Farmer’s Market or somethin. Or we could go hiking around here or to Sacramento or Honey Run bridge or somethin. It’s all good, except when the weather's lousy. There’s some rainclouds out now. Look at that! You never know what it’s gonna be like out there. Well, nice meeting you. Just let me know.”

“I will.” I lie. “Nice meeting you too.” I lie again.

On the way to my car, I stop by Peet’s for a poppyseed muffin. I take it home to enjoy in the harmoniously non-boring absence of  Droner. 

31 comments:

  1. Dang girl! You keep finding the cream of the crop, don't you!

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  2. Poppy seeds make you test positive for opiates...just saying.

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  3. That was awesome! "Don't leave me."
    I hope the muffin was delicious and you droned happily to yourself for hours. Pretty darn sure it wasn't boring, either!

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  4. LOL you need to find the muffin man and forget the droner.

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  5. Beth, yes. I'm saying. Thanks.

    Chuck, oops. What do I know? Oy. I'm going to revise that right now. Thanks!

    Alex, thank you. Not to sound arrogant, but I agree. My droning isn't boring; it's filled with neurotic angst.

    xoRobyn

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  6. LMAO!! I knew a guy, a statistician, who could turn people to stone with his run ons. Care to hear about the mating habits of fire ants in same breath as the trickle down f/x of economic growth? Have I got the guy for you. ;D

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  7. We encountered a drone on our recent trip to Turkey. It can be real painful, especially when you're determined to not hurt their feelings.

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  8. Insomnia sucks! We're secretly all jealous of your men! hehehehehe!

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  9. The good news is that he believes in destiny, so he shouldn't get upset about you not wanting to see him again. I think his next date should be with a deaf woman - having to communicate in sign language might improve his small talk.

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  10. Starbucks was a perfect place to make a quick exit, and combining that with a muffin was not a total loss. Did you talk to him on the phone before you met up? I'm wondering if there were any warning signs, or if you just gave him the benefit of a doubt. At least he must have been a fair speller to make it this far. Julie

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  11. it's raining men!

    love muffins!

    big hugs
    xo

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  12. Yeah, you know you’re with a “droner” when you’re more preoccupied with your own thoughts/observations than with what they’re saying.
    I’m not a droner (??) and don’t have a unibrow – if we ever meet, please tell me if I have a bit of muffin (or anything) on my face or in my teeth! I’d tell you. ;)

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  13. Melissa, that's a great one. A statistician, huh? It'd say that figures but - one, bad pun, and two, Lewis Carroll was a mathematician yet never boring.

    Stephen, interesting how we never want to be rude. Yet droners have no regard for our time, feelings or any of that.

    Yvonne, it does. I hope this post helps all who suffer.

    GB, good point and suggestion for Droner.

    xoRobyn

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  14. I left something for you.
    Please don't think it's derogatory. It's only fun.

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  15. I've always been in awe of someone who can roam from subject to subject and not let you get a word in - just as you're forming an opinion and need that tiny space to slip in a few syllables, they've moved on ten steps!

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  16. ha - funny post as always Robyn. That's why the send drones over to Afghanistan - to bore the locals into submission

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  17. Oh boy! Droners suck the life out of you.

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  18. Robyn,

    I Love you friend...

    John

    Dang--it WAS HARD not to Drone on and on! Well back to the Pipe.....Poppy--- MUFFIN!!!!

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  19. Empty, oh yeah, there were warning signs. I almost fell asleep during the phonecall. I need to work on the word "no" (which I'm much more skilled at using in person). So I'm to blame for the boring time and this boring post.

    IT, when anyone thinks of me in connection with chocolate, even if crap is tossed in, I'm flattered. Thanks!

    Betty, and rain has never been so boring. Cheers.

    Beth, absolutely. That's what girlfriends are good for (telling each other about specks of muffin on anything, that is). And so much else. Thanks.

    Annalisa, and when you know just what to say, they've already jumped ahead 8 topics and act as though YOU lost them. It's a no-win.

    David, haha. I like it. Should be a criteria for joining the military.

    MsA, yes, looong gone and still droning.

    Unknown, LOL. Thank you. Yes they do.

    John, dear John, thanks for not being a droner with a speck of poppyseed muffin on your unibrow. Or are you? I love you, so if you are, please don't tell me.

    xoRobyn

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  20. He's probably still droning...
    Only now, somebody else has to suffer!
    Nice one Robyn!

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  21. Enjoy your opiates. You deserve them! Have a great weekend, my friend. Full of opiates.

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  22. Oh deary me. I had one of those a week ago - I'm still in recovery. I ignored the text message that said "It was great to have a good chin-wag, we must do it again soon" I didn't have the heart to say 2 years between listening to d. r. o. n. e. would be way too soon.
    Sue

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  23. I'm glad you got a muffin to help you recover from that awful meeting. Wow!!

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  24. Poor little Robyn, why do you land with such guys when millions of good ones are just waiting to know someone like you.
    Did you offend the dating fairy by any chance, better set things right then.

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  25. 'You had me at unibrow.'

    Classic... lol

    And a smoker.. ew.

    :)

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  26. Thanks, BabySis, Rek, and Anthony, your support makes it much easier - and it's worth waking up for.

    xoRobyn

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