Celebrity Book Fail and Interview with Drew Barrymore

Hi, Dear, Sillies,
   Today, I brought a famed celebrity to our studio. Ladies and Gentlemen, let us welcome the one and only Drew Barrymore! 
   The audience of three (Drew's two kids and E.T. - now hunched over, wrinkly, and wearing Depends) stick their index fingers up and shake them wildly. 

Robyn: Drew, sweetheart, sit down honey. Robyn points at a child sized fuzzy pink Hello Kitty chair, which Robyn sits down on. Make yourself at home.
Drew looks confused and stands frozen. Drew: I, okay. Make you self...phone home?
Robyn: No, honey. You just,...don't think. Don't work that pretty little brain cell. Okay? I'll do the talking.

  Robyn: So, sweetie, you did E.T. and lots of drugs, and then you wrote this little booksie. Didn't you? Robyn holds this up for the audience. Look at this cover of your book about photographs!

Drew claps, giggles, and slowly raises her index finger to the cover. She then hugs herself. 
Drew: It was my calling!

Robyn: Let's read what your reviewers have to say, honey.
Drew: Yay! Yay! Drew extends her arms in a Victory 'v.'

Robyn: Here's one of your many one-star reviews. It reads, "Such a disappointment. It took her 10 years to compile this book???!!! Really???!!!!" Ten years, sweetie? That's hard to believe! The cover alone looks like it took 8 seconds. How'd you pull this off so quickly? 

Drew shrugs. Drew: I guess - giggle - it was some outer body Tourette's real experience.

Robyn: It looks that way. Here's another 1-star rating: "Returned it....way to obviious." Did you happen to write this one, Drew?

Drew: Oh, no. No. I not writed it. It's only a picture book. She giggles and blushes.

Robyn: I see. Do you have anything else to share today? 

Drew: Oh, yes. (Actual Drew Barrymore quote) "Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down."

Robyn: But girlfriend, you haven't kissed any of the men I have. Have you? And when the kissing isn't good, you really don't want to do the nasty with them - hands up or down. You know?

Drew points her index finger up. Drew: Oh yes. For sure. I always like that part!

Robyn: Any final words? I've gotta run and make a phone call.

Drew: Yepsers! (Actual Drew Barrymore quote)  "When I lay my head on the pillow at night I can say I was a decent person today. That's when I feel beautiful." 

Robyn turns her back to the audience and vomits on stage. Stagehand MacCullay Culkin shouts "God damnit, bitch! Not again!"

Drew points her index finger at the barf, looks at the camera, twists her hair with the same index finger, and skips off the stage into the vast unknown. 

A phonecall home is made from somewhere...to somewhere.