One Rainbow Tribe in an Orange World (but only for now).

Sunday, January 6, 2019

New Year's Greetings and More Reasons for Celibacy

Dear Sillies,
   I hesitate to say "Happy New Year!" Happiness is such an abstract, far reaching concept. You know? I propose instead that we have a meaningful year, one filled with enough laughter and love to carry us through whatever we're slammed by.

   Now, a return to some oddities. Taken directly from on-line dating ads, here are reasons #34-39 for this single lady to stay celibate. Naturally, I added my snark.{Should you be interested in further punishment, you can find 250 reasons for celibacy in this little book. Plus other silly weirdness like fake interviews with the stars, and my series of poetic erotica.}
    Please laugh and/or be perplexed and/or be glad for your relationship status - whatever it is. 
Keep a smile, and be good to yourselves.
I love ya.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #34: I am very laid back. I speek my mind. I like to go to the movies rock concerts. Like the Flintstones? Do you drive with your bare feet on the road too?

REASON #35: The other brothers try and deny but when a pretty female walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, you know what happens.Are you trying to say that you're a butthead? If this made you laugh then I am the guy for you, because that is exactly what I love doing. Making people laugh. You’ve got some work ahead of you, sweetheart.

REASON #36: Me Man You Woman Headline need help, Tarzan.

REASON #37: We love Zeppelin, and great food, and real literature. My wife wants a threesome. That sounds great to me! Can't wait to try. She is looking for a very specific sort of girl. We hope you are it. I’m appalled. This isn’t even craigslist. Try Zeppelin’s daughter. Her name is Scarlet, so she’s probably into threesomes.

REASON #38: Intelligent, articulate, chivalrous, romantic, very passionate, open minded, dominant but never domineering and sensual. Great kisser (I practice a lot when I am alone!). Hint: I wouldn’t publicize this. Sense of humor - (I laugh at all of my jokes}! (Great way to take one for the team, buddy). I don't expect you to be barbie or perfect, but I only want to have to carry you part of the time! I don’t want your hands on me any of the time! I have a profoundly spiritual nature. Sweep me off my feet, Grow with me and be the yang to my yin and help me balance out the incredible male energy, passion and charisma I posses! I am worth your time! namaste. Kindly do not kum-ba-ya all kissy kissy in my garden. Namaste.

REASON #39: Looking For a Friend First I want to meet a women that wants to make a commitment to spend the rest of are life's together. Let me get this straight, you want to make a a friend who’ll commit to you for the rest of “are life's”? That’s kind of an oxymoron, and so are you.

39 comments:

  1. I shudder to think what sort of meaningful life (or year) these bozos would or could aspire to have. And suspect they will be practising alone.
    Wishing you love, laughter, chocolate and meaning. Gift-wrapped.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the sweet wishes, EC.
      The insane ones appear to make matches much more easily than me. Some of them. The rest keep kissing themselves, it seems.
      All the good stuff to you this year.

      Delete
  2. I can understand why they're still looking!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not too hard to grasp.
      Thanks for dropping by, my friend.

      Delete
  3. They'll be looking for a long one. Don't even want to know how he practices by himself. Poor dog?

    The last wants multiple, "women", life long friends.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. I think I can say that real men don't do this, Alex.
      Thanks for making me laugh.

      Delete
  5. Not to be a nitpicker, but if #38 wants to balance out his "increadible male energy," he needs someone to be the YIN (female energy) to his YANG (male energy), not the other way around. Unless his phrasing was a Freudian slip, of course . . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're far smarter than he, and I. I didn't know that. Thank you.

      This guy probably thinks a Freudian slip is what he wears to keep his jock strap secure, Debra.

      Delete
    2. I guess I'm a nitpicker, too! LOL I thought the same thing as Debra. :)

      Another year, another bunch of imbeciles! LOL

      Wishing you a wonderful year ahead!

      Delete
    3. You and my other peeps are far smarter than I. That's what I like about you. That and your silliness. Thanks, Martha.

      Delete
  6. as always, you make me laugh and yet we must cry inside for the bad spellers, bad intentions, bad kissers (if you have to say you are good, you aren't), and ...oh the list goes on.
    Happy (ish) New Year, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I firmly agree - something is wrong when you have to say "I'm a great --". That's a huge red flag.
      Happy(ish) year to you too, Joanne.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  7. I see these as a failure of our public education system and lack of access to mental health care. The bottom of the barrel barrel is much larger than I thought, also.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha -> Lack of access to mental health care! Bingo! Thank you, astute man.
      Take care, my friend.

      Delete
  8. His wife wants the threesome? Yeah, right.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Haha! I never thought of it that way. Boy, am I naive. No wonder she wants "a specific kind of girl." He has to do a lot of screening.

      Thanks, Diane.

      Delete
  9. I myself like dirigibles and artificial literature. And my posses have little charisma.

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    1. That's a bit too personal, don't you think, Mitchell? Haha. You sir, are funny. (I sure hope you meant to be). Thank you.

      Delete
  10. More reasons for me to thank all my English teachers, especially Mrs. Aston from the 8th grade. But for her, there I would go. However - good grammar and proper use of the English language would not save any of these fellow. Thanks for screening them for us, Robyn!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd say it's my pleasure, Wilma, but it's more painful than pleasurable.

      It is baffling how under-educated some are. Makes me miss my former English teachers too.

      Delete
  11. Seeing Trump on the news is all I need to keep me celibate.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  12. Perhaps Mr. Life's and Mr. Namaste should switch teams and hook up. If they can't make it work in this life's, maybe they can make it work in the next life's.

    Good idea bundling your wit and wisdom in a book. I'll grab the kindle version now and when we meet for Mai tais, you must bring me an autographed version.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great suggestion re Mr. Life's and Mr. Namaste's current or next life's. Haha!

      Oh, you're so kind to grab my Kindle now and hold the table for our in-person meeting. It'll be fun. Thank you!

      Delete
  13. Oh My!!! Spellcheck could get so many more men laid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Okay, I have to give you best comment of the year (so far) award for that one! Excellent point, Holli. Thank you.

      Delete
  14. I wonder if anyone actually answers those ads. Talk about the dance of the truly desperate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder too. I'm guessing that women might only respond if he looks good in the photo - IF there is a photo. But some women are weird too - not usually THAT weird though.
      Thanks for dropping by and chiming in.

      Delete
  15. In your search of personal ads, have you come across any carrot tops who, by their own admission, are “very very smart,” “incredibly rich,” “extremely power,” and “a specimen of health” searching for beauties from former Eastern European Soviet block countries?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Good question. I did find one - he's obese with orange tinged skin, and he prefers much younger females. He also specified that if not from the Soviet block, "Norway will do." What's that about?

      Delete
  16. A "round thing" in #35's face, huh? Ohhh, my mind reels with the possibilities!

    And I wanna know exactly what #38 practices kissing!

    I hope you have a great New Year... although I never quite understood why so many people think it's cathartic to change a page on a calendar.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The news -- I'm sorry, should I have written "the Fake News?" -- is now saying that to help fund his freakin' wall, T. Rump may try to cut off federal funding for disaster relief to California and Puerto Rico.

      Serves 'em right.

      Californians never give the prez the respect he deserves. Just ask him! (And let's just forget about the fact that U.S. Representative Doug LaMalfa, whose congressional district includes Paradise, is a Republican. Well... so far, anyway. Maybe he'll be the next in a very long line of former GOP-ers.)

      And as far as the Puerto Ricans? Let me try to be polite, here. Let's just say that they sorely lack that oh-so-important Norwegian skin tone. Besides, aren't they just a bunch of foreigners, anyway, like those people in the United States Virgin Islands?

      Delete
    2. Thank you, Silver. You've got your finger on the pulse. (I won't ask where else you have it - that's not my business). Yeah, the orange mofo's threats haven't fallen on our deaf ears. They do, of course, make us hate him more and more. It might be to our advantage that he's cutting off aide to the fine folks of the town of "Pleasure." Ssh, don't tell him the real name. Okay.

      Oh, we hate LaMalfa intensely. He is just as horrid as the orange mofo - ugly, fat, and pea brained too. There's no hope he'll cross party lines. Audrey Denney posed good competition, though, and will hopefully replace him in 2020. If the world still exists then. Hey, it's 2019. Isn't it? I know, I don't understand the turning of the calendar either. I'm waiting for the good excitement to start. Enough of the bad.
      Be well and glad you're not in Nor California.

      Delete
  17. I am a bad speller...lol.
    thank you for sharing your humor.
    have a great day

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A great day, weekend, and year to you, Tanza.
      Thank you for dropping by with a comment.

      Delete
  18. All those spelling and grammar errors make my eye twitch. (I wouldn't want to meet any of these fellows. They would probably mistake my twitch for a wink.) Practice kissing?--hahaha!

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    Replies
    1. Yes they would. And they'd accept what they assume is a marriage proposal. Not good at all.
      Happy weekend, Connie.

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