One Rainbow Tribe in an Orange World (but only for now).

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Reasons for Celibacy, #29-33

Hi, Dear Sillies,
   First, I want to point you to Joanne's blog - in case you're not one of her groupies. I'm being selfish. Joanne gave Trumpeter a wonderful spotlight. She's also just an all-out awesome blogger, author, woman, and e-friend. You should follow her blog and buy my book. If you haven't already. 
   Now, it's time to present more reasons for celibacy. As usual, these are lifted from internet dating ads and mixed with my italicized snark.
   Be well, my friends, and laugh.

   Love you.
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REASON #29: Argue like an italian. Well, okay. Your Mama's cannoli is the ugliest I've ever seen! What man would want a piece of that?

REASON #30: Me likey the noir. Me no likey your noir.

REASON #31: Looking for a woman who gots my back I gots to guess you gots one of those hairy backs. I gots no interest.

REASON #32: I shall endevour to be as neutral and accurate as possible while maintaining a     "Positive Spin" in a P.T. Barnum kinda way. That sentence was extremely painful, in a freak show PT Barnum kind of way. Lived in a Norman Rockwell painting for several years with no parental supervision. I suppose if I lived in a painting, I’d make sure my parents weren’t watching me either. I am searching for the woman of my dreams. ( Note the use of the singular subject of the sentence.) (Once again, please note the use of the singular noun.) Sweetheart, I suggest you get used to the singular thing.

REASON #33: Need someone to fetch me beers! I have a suggestion, love bug. It goes like this: Go to the nearest kennel, ask for an empty cage, and stay in it. 

34 comments:

  1. He can have multiple dreams and ONE woman has to fill them all? Sigh.
    And yes, some days celibacy looks excellent. And a certainty (I hope and trust) for some of these advertisers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. May they not breed.
      May they not breed.
      May they not breed.
      Oops, it's likely too late.

      Smiles, EC.

      Delete
  2. Not to devalue methods of modern seekers, I found the best approach early. In 1968, I walked up to table in a public library and sat down with my book across from a beautiful young woman who did not look at me. After a while, I said, "Will you let me see your eyes?" She very quietly said, "Ok, but I'll have to beat you up." What can I say? We're still together. Sometimes the silliest openings can result in life-long joy. I don't know the mechanism or dynamic, but it clearly didn't depend on my questionable attractiveness. There's a force at work outside my feeble grasp of reality which only seldom finds all parties agreeable. Libraries though, as magical places, should never be ruled out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Geo, please do. Do devalue methods of modern seekers. Your library seduction was a sizzling success. I take it the beating up continues, in a good way. May libraries never go into extinction. Thanks for sharing that great story.

      Delete
    2. That is a great story. Eloquently told.

      Delete
  3. A woman for all his dreams..hmmm...I think he needs to get together with the man who wants his bitch to get him beers. I think they would be very happy together. I bet the twit who likes noir needs to never have the light on otherwise we may see that he is actually Quasimodo. The Cannoli response is classic..hahaaa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Your responses, my dear, are always classic. Ah, I'm still laughing. Thank you.

      Delete
  4. The last guy just needs a well-trained dog. Maybe the P.T. Barnum guy could train the dog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great idea for collaboration, Alex. They could work together and then end in a Norman Rockwell painting without parental supervision. It's brilliant.

      Cheers and have a great week.

      Delete
  5. funny and Alex stole my comment. Fetch...

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  6. Replies
    1. I agree. I just couldn't, Diane.
      Have a great week.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. As always, right, Debra?
      Thanks for stopping by.

      Delete
  8. #33! LOL Good luck with that... SO many reasons to stay single :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? Who's gonna volunteer for that one? Oy vey.

      Hope you're well, Martha.

      Delete
  9. My jaw drops at the cluelessness of these men. Just curious, Robyn - are ads like the ones you highlight here the majority or are they rare? If these ads are representative of mankind, then humankind is in grave danger. I wonder if the women's ads are similarly absurd. You have certainly rounded up great examples of "what were they thinking?"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, Wilma, these ads are not at all rare. I have literally hundreds of them. (250 alone in my book, Celibacy and Suburbia. I believe I've posted them all at some point.) It's a challenge to find a well (or decently) written ad that doesn't scream "I'm a frikkin nutter." They don't seem to understand that the goal is to attract, not to repel.

      Delete
  10. Whenever I read something like #33, I hope like hell the advertiser is trying to be funny. After all, most articles about relationships say that women value a man's sense of humor more than anything else, so that's probably why these people try (with varied results) to be amusing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Silver, do you think that the results "vary" from getting punched in the gut to getting the flipped off, or from being ignored to getting flipped off?

      Hope you're well, and not getting flipped off.

      Delete
  11. All very good reasons. lol

    It's been a while since I've been to your blog. Sorry about that. But I have to say...those moving eyes in the cover on your sidebar really tripped me up. I kept staring at it like " swear those eyes moved." HAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's kinda like the Mona Lisa of book covers, right? Ha. Leave it to Bryan's brilliance.
      Thanks for dropping by, Chrys. I appreciate it.

      Delete
  12. #33 may find a beer buddy in the pound. #32 just hurts the head. A singular nut that spirals.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #32 doesn't know how to STFU. I had to drop 95% of it. What a weirdo.

      Delete
  13. I'd be afraid to enter the dating scene with nuts like that! I like the idea of locking dude #33 in a cage. Good place for him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anywhere he can't place another ad will do.

      Thanks, Sherry.

      Delete
  14. I so needed to read this today.
    #33 could train a dog to fetch his beer. Maybe he'd be better off in that relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd feel for the dog, but maybe doggy could join him (drinking beers and/or doing other things).

      Delete
  15. What a clueless pack of weirdos. Fetch beer?--Really? Wow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahahaha! I know. It's appalling.
      Thanks for making me chuckle, Connie.

      Delete
  16. Me likey the noir.
    What the hell? I have no idea what that means. Has an odd rhythm to it though. Me likey the noir. haha
    Most of these are weird. And there are some very strange people out there, of both sexes.
    Fortunately we're completely normal.
    ;)

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, thank goodness we are completely normal. Ha! There's a street in Chico called Normal. They had a bar called the Normal Street bar. As much as I avoid the bar scene, I was curious what makes a college town bar "normal." Alas, they tore it down. That's not normal, is it? Cheers, Anthony.

      Delete
  17. العديد من المنازل قد تلجأ للاستعانة بشركة تنظيف لكثرة انشغال أصحاب المنازل بأعمالهم و يريدون العودة إلى منازلهم و يجدونها نظيفة من كل شيء.
    شركة تنظيف
    شركة تنظيف بالكويت
    تنظيف منازل
    شركة تنظيف منازل

    ReplyDelete