And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Interview with Trump's Wife!


Illustration by Elle Brooks - Writer & Writing Coach, Artist, friend of mine



Robyn: It's hard to believe she's here today, folks. But I promised her $2 billion, and she believed me. So let's welcome the centerfold of recent controversy, Donald Trump's third wife, Melania! Melania saunters onto our stage, depressed, sultry, and promoting the slogan: "Black Words Matter!" Welcome, Melancholia! Welcome!
Melania: Tanks yous. I no, how you say? play girly-eyes! She smiles intensely and bats her lashes. I no play girly-eyes!
Robyn suddenly realizes what Melania meant to say and nods. I see. You didn't (slowing to enunciate) pla-gi-ar-ize. Then what was all that hoopla about, Melanoma?
Melania: Hula hoop, I likey, but I no play girly-eyes. I use riders. They cop-peed from, how you say? Michael Angelo Osama Bin Laden peach. She nods and smiles proudly, while waving her sign.
Robyn: Moronia, sweetie, you're not smart. Is that right?
Melania: No. I no smart. I tall. I be 5 pound, 11 feet tall. She smiles and shifts to the side. The camera zones in on her infinitely long legs and perfectly sculpted, reminiscent-of-Pippa-Middleton-but-lacking-a-semblance-of-youthful-perk butt.
Robyn sighs and wipes a droplet of saliva from her chin. Consider this, Melons, you're married to an orange mofo who's threatening humanity. He's more sexual towards his daughter, Ivanka, than you. God I feel disgusted right now.
Melania: Vodka good. I likey discuss too. It good God. It good.
Robyn, slightly exasperated: Oy, Millenia. Fifteen years not enough to learn property English? Okay, I break down. Your husband piece of *bleep* and you a grown woman - Robyn steps closer to Melania, her eyes nearly touching Melania's boobies. You choose to be sex-object for money. This no good model. Husband tries bring hate and destroy world with Penze. How this good?
Melania: I like Penis. Penis good. I no play girly-eyes, my husband first Black man Present. Melania waves her sign proudly. I no play girly-eyes! My husband he work hardly. Robyn nods in agreement. He tell me stay down and shutty up. He like top. He carry about our two color girls Sushi and Malaria. Is good. She waves her sign proudly again. Backwards they matter! she shouts, as she's escorted off the stage by the NRA, KKK, a cluster of other White redneck mofos, and...Wait, how'd she get there? Martha Stewart, dressed in tight-fitting red leather lingerie and slinging a pair of hand-cuffs. Martha stops momentarily to flip-off Robyn before scurrying to catch-up with the others who've paraded out the exit doors.

Robyn looks at the camera and shrugs. Sorry?!

47 comments:

  1. Sigh.
    Now you have me all Melancholy. And a tad crabby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, I was hoping to make you laugh, EC. Sigh.

      Delete
  2. Wow, I never realised she was that stupid, Robyn! When I heard her speech, I thought she'd make a better president than her husband. I still live in hope that she will dump Trump for Hillary. One day.

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    Replies
    1. She no at all smart, GB. No smart. She dump Trump for Michael Osama Bin Laden.

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  3. I don't think forwards would matter either.

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    Replies
    1. Good one, Alex. Nothing would matter with those "people" (to use the term loosely).

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  4. This all would be so absurdly funny if Trump's supporters would only get it, too, and stop supporting him. And I no play girly eyes.

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    Replies
    1. I try play girly eyes. It no work, Mitchell. I get ugly man AND bad grade every time. No good.

      Delete
  5. you captured this perfectly. Michelle was so classy last night. I could picture her mind laughingly saying "I was born a poor white model in Slovenia" - could have brought down the house. But she stayed classy. Great writing, Robyn, as always.

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    Replies
    1. Michelle stole the show and captured hearts last night. That line would've been perfect, though. I'm laughing. Thanks, Joanne.

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  6. I bow to you, Robyn, Queen of Parody! You have surpassed yourself with this one! (And you even managed to work in Martha right at the end -- niiiiiiice.)

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    Replies
    1. That witch with a capital B forced herself in, Debra. She always does. Thanks for the compliments. So glad you enjoyed it.

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  7. lol well I think that just killed a few brain cells. No wonder Trump supporters are so eager to listen, they have none left by now.

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    Replies
    1. They are truly cray cray, Pat.
      You are so right about that.

      Delete
  8. What kills me is that the same people who hate Michelle Obama and were scandalized for her wearing a modest, but sleeveless dress, are willing to look the other way for this tramp and her naked pictures.

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    Replies
    1. Right!? The same stupid racist misogynistic lunatics.

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  9. Funny as always, but I might be too scared to laugh right now.

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  10. What a coincidence! I am five pound, 11 feet tall too.

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    Replies
    1. Dang, Geo. I had no idea. Not to be intrusive, but you need to start eating!

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  11. Great parody, but too close to reality!

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry. How can I make you laugh? Vodka? Penis? One-way tickets to Australia? Now we're talking.

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    2. Hey don't send them here! We got our own problems!!

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    3. Oh no, well, how about if a few of us go there temporarily - life for 4-8 years? I won't take up much room, promise. =)

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  12. EVERY time I want to support Trump, he does or says something abysmally stupid. Therefore, I will probably write in a candidate. I realize the implications, but I can't force myself to go orange. This is good news, if you're a Grandma supporter.

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    Replies
    1. That is good news, Al. You're a smart one and a good guy. I'm about whatever it takes to keep the orange mofo out of office.

      Delete
  13. The whole thing is filled with melancholia, except for this post. This was fun. Lots of fun :) I wish you were my neighbour, Robyn!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, that would be so much fun, GOOD Martha! You might have lots of American neighbors soon - though, hopefully not. I do love Canada, but Australia is luring me over. They have the sun and lots of it. Smiles. Thank you!

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  14. I am starting to get a little worried that this orange freak is going to be the next president...

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    Replies
    1. You're certainly not alone in that, Keith. Berners are mostly going to Stein, I believe, or split between Stein and Hillary. But really, I don't think that'll have too much impact. The swing states will decide. Scary times, indeed. You're in a good place (in a different country, that is).

      Delete
  15. Maybe if her hubby's campaign starts to falter maybe Melanoma will do a nude photo shoot at the Lincoln Memorial. They are part of the party of Lincoln now so it is totally appropriate.

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    Replies
    1. Melancholia would be like: "Yes I likey to get naked wid Lincoln Logs. I do foe-toes."

      Delete
  16. Holy crap, I think this is one of the funniest interviews you've ever done. Poor Sushi and Malaria. It must be hard being the daughters of Borox Saddam Hussein Osama.

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    Replies
    1. Bwahahaha, as usual and with flair, you manage to top me, Bryan. Thank you!
      Live long and prosper, so long as you don't vote for Trump, Borox Saddam Hussein Osama.

      Delete
  17. I see Martha managed to find her way in there. Ha! She fits right in there with all the rest of the craziness. Funny post, Robyn. :D

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Connie.
      I hope you're having a good week.

      Delete
  18. Poor Melanoma knows how to stand there and talk stupid....she learned from her hubs...Mr. Chubs who may very well grow are dish blond moustache like Hitler

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    Replies
    1. He really is getting fatter, oranger, and uglier by the minute. Right? Ugh.

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  19. What a post. At least she married rich? Seems like a nice lady, would probably have a less problematic life with a different husband.

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    Replies
    1. She certainly is attractive, but no smart. No smart, tall. Smiles. Thanks, Sheena-kay.

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  20. Hi human, Robyn,

    As pawmised, I have arrived, via Farcebook, or Farcebark, as I call it. Oh cool, I note you now have the follow by email application on your blog. I shall now be more aware of your must-read pawsts.

    I am now totally convinced that Trump's wife does have arguments with her two brain cells. An enlightening interview. Maybe Trump should get his wife deported.

    Anyway, thanks for no pawlitics on your pawst, my dear human friend.

    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses,

    Penny xx :)

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  21. The conventions are finally over, right? Please say yes. Please. I beg of you.

    That drawing your friend did is fantastic. Great job! Much love and hugs!! xoxoxo

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  22. Yes, yes, yes, yes. She did not play girly eyes.
    Love you.

    Love you too, Gary and Penny. Smiles.

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