I'm pulling together a mishmash of blog funnies for a little book: Celibacy and Suburbia - to be published soon-ish. One of its sections includes 250 reasons for celibacy. Here's a sample from the middle of that list. You might've seen these before. I take faith that they didn't bore you then, and they won't bore you now.
Taken directly from internet dating ads, embellished by my italicized snark, please enjoy reasons #125-135 for this straight single woman to celebrate celibacy.
125) Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes?
1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
2) Hooked-on-Phonics
for you.
126) Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!
You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given
time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what
about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head
throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!
127) I like holding hands and candles.
Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers
as you do the lit candle.
128) You had me at let's make out!
You must’ve misunderstood, sweetie.
I said “Get the hell away from me!”
129)
there is no spoon...
No spoon? Stick a fork in it!
130)
What Good is Sitting Alone in Your Room?
It’s great for reading, writing,
talking on the phone or masturbating, to mention a few.
131) Do you have it in you?
Not right now, babe, but I hope to
on Saturday night.
132) Guaranteed more fun than your ex!
It’s good to set the bar low.
133) Helpwanted
Okay, babe. The space-bar is just below the
bottom row of letters. Tap it gently with either of your thumbs.
134) I am your
density...
*gripping a hearty roll of belly fat*. Funny,
I thought that was all the chocolate I eat.
135) Born with a
Bow Tie
Did it hurt your mommy’s inner-nether regions?
Be good to yourselves, and have a calm week, my friends.
Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.
These are most excellent reasons for insisting on (selective) celibacy.
ReplyDeleteOh, groan. I wonder if any of these advertisers get anywhere. "I like holding hands and candles"????
ReplyDeleteThen again, perhaps I could roast marshmallows and make s'mores while he's liking what he likes.
DeleteI remember some of those. Glad they will be part of the book!
ReplyDeleteAnd they wonder why no women are answering their ads. lol Hey I'm a Deadhead!!!
ReplyDeleteHaha. But JoJo, it's because women are too conceited. That's what I'm told when I very nicely turn them down.
DeleteI am sure the book will be hilarious. No one puts together better reasons than you for celibacy.
ReplyDeleteexcellent bits for a book. I'm laughing already. Cheers to a new week and the reasons to eat chocolate
ReplyDelete#132 made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteThis book will be a scream.
ReplyDeleteWill it come out in time for Valentine's, and have a small piece of chocolate included? hmm?
Great idea, DC. Thank you. I hope to publish it well before then, but perhaps a Valentine's edition will be due.
Deletehaha I remember a few of those. Much can sure be done alone indeed.
ReplyDeleteThe "no spoon" one still intrigues me. No spelling mistakes and a possible cryptic meaning. Are you sure he was a fool, Robyn?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure, GB. But I'm not willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I bet he eats pudding with his hands.
DeleteHa! I like #131. Have a terrific week.
ReplyDelete#130 with ya there... gotta love people who can't get "destiny" and "density" righ... or is that right? Knew a comic book writer, famous chap, who did that once. Either that, or he had a min-wage letterer that issue...
ReplyDeleteI make tons of typos, CW, but I never confuse my destiny with my density, though my density does seem to be my destiny. Not the reverse, though. That would just be silly.
DeleteThanks for the smiles! Your new book sounds like a winner. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat if I really am your density? Can I get an autographed copy If I ask nicely?
ReplyDeleteI've got enough mid-section density for both of us, Jono, and sure.
DeleteI love your snark and that one...setting the bar low...made me giggle. They all do. I am looking forward to this book
ReplyDeleteGood title for your book. When I compliment Mr. Wooters on his bedroom accomplishments, he says, Well, your ex set the bar pretty low. I still loves me my Willy Dunne Wooters.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
There are some good things to be said for men who are bad in the sack, Janie. Glad you're reaping the benefits.
Deletexo
Density... BAHAHAHA! Oh my gosh, Robyn, these things are the best. Makes me wonder about humanity, but they're fun :)
ReplyDeleteWhat if I set you up with a guy who is unable to speak? :P
ReplyDeleteWhat are his other skills, Sage?
DeleteDid I tell you that I began online dating a while back? Well, it isn't as funny as this blog made it sound. We're going to talk.... soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, no, Robin. And I do know I make it sound a lot more fun and funny than it is. It routinely makes me scream and cry. Sorry.
DeleteYou had me at chocolate cheesecake.
ReplyDeleteYou're so easy, Al. Wink.
DeleteThese are great. I think 132 is my favorite. If it wasn't for setting the bar low, most of those guys wouldn't ever get laid.
ReplyDeleteHaha, so true, BnB. I'm laughing now at your and Elsie's comments.
Delete#133 had me laughing so hard! I make typos all the time so sadly I can relate to thi oops...
ReplyDeleteMe two, Elsie. Me to. But not in a personal ad headline, write? LOL!
DeleteAh great idea! I'm sure I mentioned it before, that it would make a great read. Looking forward to the final product! All deliciously entertaining.. Love 130, 131.. ah the whole freaking lot!
ReplyDeletexo
I remember these! And to #130, I say pppffffttttt. Sitting alone in my room is one of my favorite pastimes.
ReplyDelete