And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Misadventures in Online Dating

Warning: a crass and somewhat shocking sexual term follows. If you're offended by this...heck, you wouldn't be reading my blog.
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Since I didn't know the area - though I work part-time in his neighborhood - he chose a first date dinner spot: Buffalo Wings. When I arrived, a man strolled out of the eatery's front entrance. He appeared a much older, much more bald version of the man whose on-line photos I'd liked. So it goes...

"Hi, Mr. BJ, good to meet you," I said, with a forced smile.

Mr. BJ gave me a side-hug. "Good to meet you," he grinned. "I just went in for a minute, and that place is really loud and crowded. I'm wondering if you want to go somewhere else?" 

Duh. That place is party-central for drunken college kids. He just realized it's loud? "Sure, I'm not a fan. What else is around here? I'm easy."

"Why don't we go to BJs?" Oops, maybe I shouldn't have said I'm easy. But It can't mean THAT. I agreed.

As we sat in the semi-crowded, semi-loud restaurant waiting for our food, conversation was forced. By this I mean, I was the only one skilled in basic discourse - as he focused on his phone, showed me pictures of himself and his brother, and was generally odd.

"So, what does BJ really stand for?" I couldn't let it go.

With pride and confidence, he blurted out: "blow job!" Mr BJ proceeded to work himself up into a laughing frenzy.

A sweet young waitress approached our table.

Mr BJ readily asked her, "What does BJ stand for?"

"Um, I think it's someone's name, but I'm not sure."

"Oh, 'cuz she asked me, and I told her" - his voice got louder and prouder - "it means blow job!"

The waitress glanced at me sympathetically. "Well that's awkward," she said.

"It really is," I agreed. "And on a first (and last) date too. I don't know what menu he's looking at, but that won't be served tonight."

He kept giggling. Really, dude? You're like old and graying and a grandpa and you think you're like the next Jay Leno.

Needless to say, Mr. BJ did not get a BJ that night. Though a follow-up text from him said something about thunderstorms, I had no response. I have no desire to engage in thunderous BJs or talk thereof with Mr. BJ.

Instead, I'm defaulting to the tried-and-true threesome:
(1) chocolate,
(2) batteries, and
(3) chocolate.

Have a great, safe, week, dear sillies.

47 comments:

  1. That is hilariously terrible. I bet if you had gone on date #2 he would have brought his favorite whoopee cushion.

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    1. And he'd have cracked himself up shouting "Look at me everyone. I'm in BJ farting." What a weirdo.

      Thanks, BnB.

      Delete
  2. I have only know two guys who went by "BJ". One was Bernt Julius and the other was Banana Joe. There was also a "BF" which stood for Bearded Fucker, but I digress. Besides, for some of us heteros it's more fun to give than receive.

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    1. You're a very nice hetero, Jono.
      I probably dated Bearded Fucker but not Bernt Julius, and I probably shopped at Banana Joe once.

      Delete
  3. Oh my. I guess you found out why he's single. :\ I hope you have a good week ahead, Robyn.

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  4. Shocked. I am so shocked and shall keep coming back for more. Oh dear. Chocolate keeps winning. Good luck and enjoy rest of week.

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    1. Good, it's a good shock factor. I'm glad. Thank you, Joanne.

      Delete
  5. That BJ's food was all the BJ he was getting.

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    1. Yeah, and it's no wonder he tends to frequent that place, Alex. That's all the BJ he'll ever get, I'm guessing.

      Delete
  6. Did you throw up a little in your mouth? What a weirdo this guy is...

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    1. Yeah, and I had to say "Okay, let's change the topic" while he was still cracking himself up. Freaking weirdo, indeed.

      Delete
  7. I hope that gentleman's neck is very, very long and very, very flexible. I suspect it is the only way he is going to get a blow-job. And particularly a blow-job from someone who likes him.
    Hooray for chocolate.

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    1. Haha, you're so right, EC. And so funny. Thank you!

      Delete
  8. I wonder if he had to actually think that horrid "joke" up or if he came up with on the spur of the moment thinking he was God's gift to dumber and dumber. I mean, really?? He is one sad sack because he had to keep repeating it. I feel for you since I did do the Internet dating also and my worst was meeting a man who looked ok in his picture which must have been taken 20 years before, but when I met him...he had no teeth!

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    1. Oh, thank you, Birgit. I'm laughing so much, I might need a Depends.

      Delete
  9. Did he bother to give you his real name, Robyn? Maybe you should have assumed it was his real name and called him Blow. Or Mr Job.

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    1. He did, GB. His real name it too normal, though - it's not fitting.

      Delete
  10. I am just amazed that there are so many freaks out there. I might find a little humor in a guy with the sensibilities of an 11 year old and this odd date...if I didn't so want you to meet a guy that WOWs you in a "good" way...not a WTF way. You are way over due for a WOW.

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    1. Oh, thank you, Cheryl. You're sweet, and I am way over due.

      Delete
  11. Wow, that is just weird. Loud and offensive people drive are rude.

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    1. I know, right? How could he think that was entertaining first-date banter? Freakin nutter.

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  12. I just can't even. What a boob.

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    1. Haha. Thank you, JoJo.
      All the comments are making me feel a lot better and laugh a lot more.

      Delete
  13. Wow, that is just sad and scary weird. Yet another reason to avoid online dating altogether.

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    1. Yes, sad and scary weird it is. Thanks, Pat.

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  14. I'm sure chocolate and batteries are more satisfying.

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    1. And they don't expect you to laugh at their bj jokes either, Stephen.

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  15. Strange that BJ's parents would name him that. Did he mention what they named his brother?

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    1. Yeah, NL for Nipple Lick. I guess he got the better name. LOL.

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  16. Replies
    1. Oh, you're right, Diane. Thank you. He is one.

      Delete
  17. He must have really thought he was being clever trying to ask for a bj like that. What a freak.

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    1. I think so, Theresa, as if I was going dive under the table and serve him one. Freakin weirdo.

      Delete
  18. And this stooge thought that was a good comment WHY? Must be a (Bill) Clinton supporter...

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    1. What's funny, CW, is that he IS a Clinton supporter. I asked what he thinks about Hillary, and he gave a thumbs up. He must REALLY admire Bill.

      Delete
  19. What? He sounds like a keeper.*

    *This is a lie.

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    1. **Phew! I started to really question my judgement. Thanks for the second *, Al.

      Delete
  20. Argh. That's why I'm scared to try it myself. So many psychos and don't-want-to-label-them-anymore guys out there.

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    1. And for some reason every one of them is doing on-line dating, Lux. You're wise to be wary.

      Delete
  21. Oh boy...easy and bj's all in the same date. Sigh. I'm sorry. But at least the first date told all and that it didn't linger. I had good luck online dating. Met two very nice men. Lots of whackjobs out there, tho. Not sure I am brave enough to return.

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  22. This made me cringe. I wish you stayed at BWW so you didn't have to hear him and the date would've been more tolerable. Ugh! Love you, my friend! Hang in there!!

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  23. Unless this tool is an contortionist, I don't think his dream will be fulfilled anytime soon, if ever...

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  24. This information is impressive..I am inspired with your post writing style & how continuously you describe this topic.
    Anastasia Dating site

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  25. Ugh. Men can be such pigs. I'm sorry Robyn! I'm glad you had some chocolate to turn to. :)

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