And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy, #358 through 367 & Ben Single on Han Diet

Dear Friends,
I hope you're doing well and taking good care of yourselves. Our thoughts are with Paris. Life is so brutal for much of the world, sometimes I feel as though the best I can do is attempt to spread laughter. So here's another attempt: reasons #358 through 367 for a straight single gal to remain celibate. I couldn't possibly make this stuff up, neither awake nor in my sleep. That's to say, these are lifted directly from on-line dating sites and peppered by my italicized snark. Enjoy the weirdness.
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REASON #358: So a lot of women on this site think the men on here are lame and are all dogs. Most of them horny hood rats need to take a good look in the mirror.
Hey, watch it, buddy. I’m not…a hood rat!

REASON #359: I am ntelligent, attractive, available, romantic ,artistic.
You forgot delusional.

REASON #360: Klutzes, be like trippin'
Yeah, well, at least we don’t be like using commas when they don’t be like needed, bro.
 

REASON #361: m looking for that special girl that stand by me
n

REASON #362: I would love to walk the ocean beaches
It’s been done before. Hints: He saves. Son of virgin Mary. Middle name starts with H.

REASON #363: I'm ben single. for long time girls. I like. All kinds. Of. Music. My to have. My own. Place. I I'm life Han diet. A and do art and I like to ride. Morter. Cikols
Dear Ben Single,
Regrettably, I’m not interested in you. I am curious, though, is Chewbacca on the Han diet?
Best Regards,
Robyn Engel

REASON #364: Sex can i ?
No Yoda say.

REASON #365: Funner then your ex 
So is a colonoscopy.

REASON #366: Demisexual
I can’t fault you for that, babe. Demi Moore’s a hottie.


REASON #367: My density has popped me to you
Honey, I’m impressed by the power of your density. Mine just pops open my belt buckle.

54 comments:

  1. Indeed our thoughts are with Paris, and those in Beirut who were bombed the day before.
    Single never looked so good. Even at the worst the voices in my head are more entertaining and probably more ntelligent than this lot. And I understand them better.
    Another plus. If you find a hair in the butter, you know it is your own...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, and as long as I have batteries and chocolate (in the reverse order), I'm good.

      Delete
  2. #363. I wonder if he talks the way he rights? Imagine that in bed? Hahaha. "You do want me go to left?

    I feel for the people of Paris and humor is how I deal with negativity and adversity! Thank you for your humor!! Xx

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    Replies
    1. Oh Ben Single. Do you think he ever gets any?

      Thank you, BB. xx

      Delete
  3. Thanks for lifting my spirits with your delightful humor, Robyn.

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  4. I don't know what hood rats are, but I already have a phobia about them. Someone should have told that idiot not to write stuff in a dating site that puts people off their breakfasts. The guy who wrote Morter Cikols must be a teacher of creative pidgin English.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does make you wonder about the human species, doesn't it, Gorilla?

      Delete
  5. You're really find the craziest things in dating sites.

    We're one with Paris and the rest of the world.

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  6. Oh my, is it bad that I'm curious as to what #363 looks like? And hey, if a colonoscopy is funner than your ex, than maybe #365 has a shot at a first date?

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    Replies
    1. Funny, I don't remember 363's photo, JKIR. I guess I was too perplexed by the ad. I'm thinking he probably looks like Chewbacca.

      Delete
  7. What is with #363?????? Good lord. I'm curious, do you send those hilarious quip responses to these guys or are those just for your blog?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have on occasion sent them, JoJo. But I don't get a response. I think they're too dense. If I did get responses, I'd post them. Sometimes, I'm really tempted. But you have to put a profile up to respond, and it's been so NICE to not be actively doing internet dating (I mean, for the writing material, of course).

      Delete
  8. I cringed as I read some of these. I could see the prince of Saudi as he typed up his next ad asking for his next princess to loan just few hundred bucks so he could get his millions of dollars of oil out of from under all that red tape at the border of Yemen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which one is he, Elsie? He sounds like a keeper in comparison.

      Delete
  9. Wow, #363 would just hurt the head big time. Maybe he and #364 can get together and nerd out with star wars or the Han diet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I imagine their conversation would go like this:
      "Sex. Can. I."
      "No Yoda say."

      Delete
  10. Replies
    1. Thanks, Diane. The truth is sometimes funny. =)

      Delete
  11. Man, these just get more and more bizarre!

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  12. It's scary how much crazy is out there. Can't any of them spell or create a logical sentence with proper punctuation? Yikes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have yet to find one that can, Daisy. Yikes is right.

      Delete
  13. I think they are devolving into grunts. Wow

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it seems to be a matter of survival of the gruntiest.
      Oy vey.

      Delete
  14. 363- I think I know this guy. He keeps e-mailing me about some long-lost relative who was tooling around the lovely nation of Benin when he was killed and now wants me to have his millions.

    367- not the first time I've seen someone swap the intended "destiny" with "density". In fact I remember two examples in comic books. One was intentional- "A Date With Density" was a lampoon of a jerkwad's first date with an innocent young thing. The other was accidental- a pompous writer who failed to secure a competent proofreader.

    Your guy here, though- perhaps he is so dense that, like a black hole, he tore through space-time to land in your vicinity. Have any quakes there lately?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so funny, CW. I always appreciate your comments.
      No earthquakes, but plenty of thunderous noises - it's him! #367!

      Delete
  15. Where were you when I was dating?!? I rarely had a smart enough response.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently I was sledging (<-Is that even a word?) through the muddy waters of the dating swamps, Mitchell - where I always am.

      Delete
  16. Can I just say I always love these?

    #358 - "I know what will get me laid! Calling all of the women here whores!" Brilliant.

    #362 - I thought his middle name was Tapdancing.

    #363 - Okay, is this guy special needs? Because we spoke to third graders that write better than this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may always compliment me, Bryan. Thank you.

      -I know. I can't believe he's trying to attract vs repel.

      -You're probably right. I'm just a Jew. I thought H stood for Hermansteinberg. What do I know?

      -I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he's trying to look stupid. But I think he's too stupid for that.

      Delete
  17. I'm surprised that some men are able to find a little female company now and then. I think I have seen some of them in the "people of Walmart" pictures. How in the world do they find their way out of bed in the morning? Or whenever?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fortunately, I haven't woken up with any of them, Jono. So I can't answer that. You know about my bad luck with men - having read my book - but these ads prove it could always be worse.

      Delete
  18. HAHA! The 'density'... Every time you post these, I especially look forward to your witty responses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Martha. If only my density would disappear or at least stop popping. Dangit!

      Delete
  19. Do you think that one guy got paid per sentence so he just added a bunch of periods? Great stuff there, lady!

    Poor Paris. It breaks my heart. And makes me want to go hug an Israeli. Living with terror has just become their norm. So much so, do we even really pay attention when these crazies say their goal is to blow Israel off the map? Hugs, lady. Just venting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good question about that guy and his one-word sentences. Either that or he likes periods. We know, at least, that he's clearly a male. No woman likes periods.

      Thanks for the sentiment, Elizabeth. I worry about Israel and the world. Times are scary indeed. Vent anytime. Hugs to you, my friend.

      Delete
  20. So sad what's out there. Love your response to 365 :)

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  21. Golly. #358 sounds like such a catch.
    So much hate out there, Robyn. Make 'em laugh.

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  22. Woah. That's a lot of intensity coming from #358. You can tell he's the. Most. Ntelligent one. In the. Bunch.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh my. I don't even know what to say, except, are these people for real? Some of it reads like spam.

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  24. 363 was just painful to read. Sadly, I see crap like that from the morons on my Facebook feed all the time.

    Your colonoscopy remark made me crack up. Those things are so unpleasant, your ex much have been a real ass ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. A guy that misplaces commas and another that over uses periods...

    But, you know, you are not building up the male ego here!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes it needs some knocking down, Sage. Sometimes. =)

      Delete
  26. Hey Robyn,

    I know, I know! Where the heck has that adorable Gary been? Well, wherever I was, I'm here at like three in the morning! :)

    Of course, the one thing I aint is like delusional n'stuff!

    France and all the atrocities, time for a world united in a common cause of peace.

    Hugs and hope,

    Gary x (( ))

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  27. Paris on my mind and in my heart -my motto all weekend. My heart aches for them, for all of us. ---so yes, after sadness comes laughter because life is too short. you never disappoint, these had me laughing out loud. i still don't understand the mentality of MEN. Bleh #singleandlovingit

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  28. Poor Ben Single haha

    Haha a star wars theme this time around! It's our density!

    Great stuff Robyn! xo

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