Monday, December 15, 2014

Reasons for Celibacy, #312-317 / Happy Hanukah!


Even though I have George in my life nowadays, I’m going to continue my Reasons for Celibacy series. There’s too much good material to use. Plus, I have to hit 500 reasons; I've  much further to go. So below, taken directly from internet dating ads, are reasons 312-317 for a smart, single, straight woman to choose celibacy. [One of these reasons includes someone I dated, #317.] Enjoy.

REASON #312: I am alive and live that way. 
Wow! You must be one of those people who can sleep when you’re asleep, masticate when you chew, and touch yourself privately!

REASON #313: hold your heart above your head
Dude, can you do that without breaking your neck?

REASON #314: Want the thruth?
No. I can’t handle the thruth! Thranks anyway.


REASON #315: I enjoy everything life has to differ
You mean you like contrasting elements-- like fire and water, war and peace, Kate Middleton and Prince William?

REASON #316:  I have weird dynamics, not contrary to religious status, but to make our lives joyful. Whoa. I wonder if you’re an oxymoron or a Scientologist or something. Is your couch intact?

This one, REASON #317, I recognize. I dated and blogged about him in 2012. He was Delivery Boy. We shared fresh hot “pizza” with no string cheese attached. Here’s a snippet from a blog post:  One night after a frenzied take-out, I asked Delivery Boy about his route, expecting the typical reassurance he was apt to convey. “I’m the only one you deliver to, right? Do you see possible long-term arrangement for us?”
   He answered decisively: yes, of course I was the only one. No, we had no future. Delivery Boy wouldn’t commit to an exclusive partnership with anyone, not now or later. If another woman placed an order, though, he’d do the honorable thing and tell me before filling it.
   Delivery Boy was my age when we dated. We both have summer birthdays. Based on logic, old and new math, and common sense, we’re still the same age. I’m 48, so Delivery Boy’s…48. Check out his ad, though.

DO YOU HAVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS? IF YES..USE THEM Oh, I am. I am.
They have marked my birthdate incorrectly and unable to correct it on my end.....I am 38 not 37..... Strong sincere honest communication is key to a meaningful friendship.........This creates a strong more sincere understanding of each other........For starters, I'll use my communication skills to state that you’re a lying ***bleep*** ***bleep!*** Really? 37? Your baldness and inability to ***bleep*** tell a different story.

Thank goodness I have George, and he shows no signs of aging - if you know what I mean. Wink.
            ~~~~~~~~~~<><><>~~~~~~~~~~
   Tomorrow night marks the beginning of Hanukah. It’s an eight day celebration of  light, goodness, and miracles. 
   Note that you can spell Hanukah approximately 215 different ways, so don’t worry. You'll get it right, so long as you don't double up on side-by-side vowels. Start with one "H" or "Ch." You'll be fine. 
   They say that every Jewish holiday is summarized as “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat!” So Eat. Be merry and bask in life's miracles. 
HAPPY CHANUKAH!

66 comments:

  1. Delivery boy must have brought you loads of fun. I'm glad you have George, too, and I'm even more glad I have Willy Dunne Wooters. We deserve good men.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Yes, we do, JJ. They deserve us (or a lot better, but we won't tell them that) too.

      Merry Xmas! xo

      Delete
  2. Happy Hannukah.
    Eat, drink and be merry - which is excellent advice for every day and every season.
    I am sincerely glad that you left Mr #317 to continue to attempt to deliver. Thruthfully, sincerely glad that you left all of them to languish in the dating ads...

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    1. Funny that I know where to find all my exes, EC.
      Thank you.
      Have a wonderful holiday season. xo

      Delete
  3. Happy Hannukah!
    Thruthfully, I'm sincerely glad George in your life, 37 (lol) year old pizza is pretty stale, when it can be delivered!

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    1. Yeah, the cheese on that pizza was rather flaccid.

      Love you, Jacqueline. xo

      Delete
  4. I'd avoid the weird dynamics guy.
    Happy Hanukkah, Robyn!

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    1. Sound advice, Alex. Will do.

      Blessed holidays. xo

      Delete
  5. A big gutteral OCH! This post started with "touch yourself privately" and ended with "Happy Chanukah." Is that allowed? I just read a former priest's blog post and learned that Chanukah starts this evening. My Jewish mother will be so proud.

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  6. You have to wonder on those eHarmony ads, if the happy couples depicted are just a teensy percentage of the people who are actually signed up. Poor Russell was dipping his toe into internet dating when he tracked me down out west. Thank god, right? lol

    Have a fantastic Chanukah! I'm glad you and George are doing so well and are celebrating the holiday season together!!

    PS your Captcha is on.

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  7. Sounds like a good reason to celebrate to me. Happy Hanukah!

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  8. Well a differ here and a differ there could umm errr differ? Good you have george and not the lying bleep delivery boy

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  9. Thank you, dears. Mitchell, it's a double mitzvah (good deed) on the sabbath or a holiday.

    WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET RID OF CAPTCHA? I've changed my settings to remove it (again, as I had in the first place).

    Hugs,
    xoRobyn

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  10. A happy and blessed Hanukah to you, Robyn! It seems that Blogger has unilaterally added the captcha box to many blogs and I guess it will stay there until Blogger decides to remove it. I put a message on my blog for people to ignore it. You can still post a comment without filling it in because it is not "activated."

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  11. your summary of Hannukah is so YOU, All the best and glad you have George.

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  12. Happy Hannukah, Robin!!! I'm glad you have George, too. :)

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  13. I definitely enjoy everything life has to differ too.
    Seriously, though, these ads don't even make sense!! People are messed up. I'm glad #317 is gone from your life and even more glad you have George now. However, I would like Delivery Boy to teach me his forever young secrets.
    Happy Hanukah!!

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  14. I don't get it, what's the wink for? KIDDING... KIDDING... I forgot who I was asking, ahhahahaa

    Wishing you an amazing holiday, and I'm so happy you're really liking George!!

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  15. If you ignore the rotten CAPTCHA and hit publish it will. Alternatively changing to embedded comments fixes the problem. It is all a lovely blogger gift...

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  16. Oh my those men (men??) out there..ughh...It reminds me when i was internet dating for a while. I went out with Willie Wonka one time(he boasted about his chocolate fountain), a man that ended up having no teeth ( it didn't look like that in his pic) and Fargo man who kept saying "Riiiggghhht" and had not left Toronto in 25 years. I shudder. Glad this man is in your life and treating you well. Happy Hanukah!

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    1. Birgit, the biggest benefit of this series, is that others like you share their dating stories. I LOVE it. I'm not alone. I'm sorry, too.

      Merry Xmas. xo

      Delete
  17. Hahaha! I just love this series of posts. And I'm glad you will continue. Oh, and that lying (bleep) 317. As if his dates wouldn't figure it out eventually.

    Happy and blessed Hanukah to you, girl!

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  18. Happy CCCCHHHHannukah! (extra phlegm)

    A person had better look DAMN good if they chop 10 years off their age. Hell, even with my baby face you wouldn't see me trying to pass myself off as a 20 year old.

    Oh, and Elephant already said it but to fix the stupid captcha thing you can change to embedded comments (like we have on our page) rather than the current style you have (I think yours is on Full Page). Any Qs, just send me an e-mail. :)

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    1. I know, right? I could possibly pass, if someone's looking at me from a distance -- 100+ yards -- and doesn't see my graying hairs, wrinkles and age lines. But really?! This dude carries himself like a grandpa. His ineptitude in other ways will reveal his dishonesty.

      Thank you. I hope I got rid of Captcha once and for all.

      Merry Xmas (no phlegm). Smiles. xo

      Delete
  19. May your holiday be full of blessing and your comment box full of thruth. Should have asked Delivery Boy if it gets soggy when you warm it up!

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    1. Good one, CW! You're a quick wit.

      Merry Xmas to you and yours. xo

      Delete
  20. REASON #315: I enjoy everything life has to differ…
    You mean you like contrasting elements-- like fire and water, war and peace, Kate Middleton and Prince William?

    I love Hannimas! Little fish and little chocolate kisses.
    Hey - is that Hanukah man in-between the menorahs? Now I'm jealous.
    And instead of delivery, you're doing DiGornio? Lucky you?
    Happy Hanukah, Robyn!!

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    1. Yes, Dixie, it's Hannukah Dreidle man. Isn't he cute?

      Enjoy your blessings. xo

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  21. Pardon me Delivery Boy
    Is that the Cheatanooga Choo Choo?


    Can you still do these posts, Robyn?
    Your only reason for celibacy now is George having a headache!

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  22. I was wondering what you were going to do about your celibacy feature now that there's a man in your life. So glad to hear things are going well. Take care.

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  23. As much as I agree with all these as brilliant reasons for celibacy, I need to say - Just to prove to a friend I would only meet jerks this way, I answered an ad in the Jewish Bulletin of SF. Now it's 18 years later, we are married for 17 years with two teens.

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    1. Mazel Tov, Rhonda. I love your love story.
      Happy Hanukah! xo

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  24. But did you have to tip said delivery boy? Doesn't sound like he was worthy of one in my book.

    HAPPY CHANUKAH Robyn!

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    1. I did have to tip him, Theresa. He wasn't worthy, so I gave him a limited tip - just enough to keep him from asking for more.

      Merry Xmas! xo

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  25. Thank you for your humor and wonderful smile. Best to you in this season and all seasons.

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  26. the list is awesome! hope you're doing so good lady!!! I have big hugs for you always. come and get them :D

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  27. Something tells me Old Pizza Boy is still hitting the dating sites, because he usually delivers in thirty seconds or less! Love your explanation for Hanukkah, and all of the other Jewish holidays! You would've made a great Sunday school teacher! Happy Hanukkah, Robyn!

    Julie

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    1. Well, I was a Sunday school teacher, Julie. It was fun, despite the fact that the little ones knew more about Judaism than me.

      Happy Hanukah. xo

      Delete
  28. I love the touch of humor. Hope everything's going well with you as always dear.

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  29. I'm very sorry, original writer of number 314, and I know you're reading this, obviously Robyn doesn't accept people with speech impediments. I, for one, respect that you have a lisp and choose to express that phonetically through your writing (and I hope, original writer of 314, that you'll visit my new blog, it's great, I only sometimes berate commenters).
    Happy Channukkah (no matter how many spellings there are, I know I got that one wrong, let's try again) Happy Hanukah! (Got it!)

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    1. Oh man, I hope he visits, Pickleope. I want to see how you respond. You'd do better with the comebacks.

      Happy Holidays, silly man/woman/pickle. xo

      Delete
  30. "I am 38 not 37"
    That reminds me of a line in 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' (if you haven't seen it, Google Monty Python I'm Not Old").
    Anyway, King Arthur when approaching a castle, calls out to a peasant (I'm going to paraphrase, because I don't know the words exactly, but..."
    "Old woman!
    "Man!"
    "Man then-"
    "I'm not old!"
    "What?"
    "I'm 37. I'm not 'old'."
    "Well, I just can't call you 'man'."
    "Well, you could learn my name."
    And so on...
    My point is..."I am 38, not 37" reminded me of that.
    BTW, 38 isn't old, either.

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  31. Google "Dennis the Constitutional Peasant." That'll do it.
    I didn't get the words exactly right, as I feared. The real clip is much better.

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    1. I just watched it, Al. Love it. Thanks. Every line in Monty Python's movies is packed with snark, sarcasm, weirdness and hilarity.

      Enjoy, and DON'T go heavy on the egg nog. xo

      Delete
  32. <<<---- They say that every Jewish holiday is summarized as “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat!” So Eat. Be merry and bask in life's miracles.

    That last bit cracked me up (yep, even more so than the losers you mentioned above). I think, as a single person, all of those ads make me laugh and cry at the same time. Honestly, it's so disheartening.

    So glad you have George.

    Happy Hanukah, Robyn. May your eight days be full of miracles, light, and joy.

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    1. They make me simultaneously laugh and cry too, Robin. I started this series because of the pain involved in dating. My humor was/is bitter sarcasm in disguise. Yeah, right - as if I disguise it.

      Love to you for a blessed Christmas! xo

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  33. Enjoy your time with George. Wishing you a happy and blessed Hanukah. Go eat.

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  34. I continue to be baffled and amused by the men in those ads. Also, I am very grateful that I'm not single! :-)

    Happy Hanukah!!

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  35. Mine doesn't show signs of aging either. That makes them keepers.

    Happy Hanukkah!

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  36. I haven't even looked on online dating sites since 2007 or so. It looks like nothing's changed, though. One that stuck with me was: "I prefer a woman whose height and weight are in line." I was curious, so I asked...yes, this was a fancy way of saying, "no fat chicks." The funny part? HE was fat!! I once posted a blog where a man with a HUGE beer belly had posted that he had to have a woman who worked out because he did and he didn't like women who didn't take care of their bodies...again, look at yourself first, dude. It all led me to wonder if men had any conception whatsoever about how they look. Many of them seem to want Cameron Diaz with no conception at all that they aren't even close to being in her league.

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    1. Haha, that's both sad and hysterical, Stephanie. I've heard that women do that a lot too. I think more men are guilty of it, however. They tend to think they look like Adonis, when they more closely resemble Homer (Simpson).

      Happy Season! xo

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  37. I hope you are having a splendid holiday.

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  38. Happy Chanukah!!!!! hahaha "they tried to kill us, we won, so let's eat" couldn't be more true of yesterday today and tomorrow! have a wonderful celebration. Mine's been great so far. I got some good makeup and makeup brushes. And my kitten is enjoying some dreidel spinning :)

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  39. Brilliant home grown entertainment. Great to see new additions to your hilarious series. Sincerely!
    Happy Holidays!

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  40. Robin, happy Chanuka to you and yours and have a healthy and prosperous New Year!

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  41. Wow, you've made over 300 of these? Happy Hanuka indeed...

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    1. Yeah, this is my no-brainer series: easy to do, because I'm writing about men who are no-brainers.

      Happy everything! xo

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  42. hey friend, your great sense of humour never fails to amaze me!

    happy hanukkah!! lots of love~xo

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  43. I've been so detached from the internet as of late that I didn't know who George was. But I've done the necessary reading and am happy to learn that you've found yourself such a hottie.

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