Reasons for Celibacy, #312-317 / Happy Hanukah!

Even though I have George in my life nowadays, I’m going to continue my Reasons for Celibacy series. There’s too much good material to use. Plus, I have to hit 500 reasons; I've  much further to go. So below, taken directly from internet dating ads, are reasons 312-317 for a smart, single, straight woman to choose celibacy. [One of these reasons includes someone I dated, #317.] Enjoy.

REASON #312: I am alive and live that way. 

Wow! You must be one of those people who can sleep when you’re asleep, masticate when you chew, and touch yourself privately!

REASON #313: hold your heart above your head

Dude, can you do that without breaking your neck?

REASON #314: Want the thruth?

No. I can’t handle the thruth! Thranks anyway.

REASON #315: I enjoy everything life has to differ…

You mean you like contrasting elements-- like fire and water, war and peace, Kate Middleton and Prince William?

REASON #316:  I have weird dynamics, not contrary to religious status, but to make our lives joyful. Whoa. I wonder if you’re an oxymoron or a Scientologist or something. Is your couch intact?

This one, REASON #317, I recognize. I dated and blogged about him in 2012. He was Delivery Boy. We shared fresh hot “pizza” with no string cheese attached. Here’s a snippet from a blog post:  One night after a frenzied take-out, I asked Delivery Boy about his route, expecting the typical reassurance he was apt to convey. “I’m the only one you deliver to, right? Do you see possible long-term arrangement for us?”

   He answered decisively: yes, of course I was the only one. No, we had no future. Delivery Boy wouldn’t commit to an exclusive partnership with anyone, not now or later. If another woman placed an order, though, he’d do the honorable thing and tell me before filling it.

   Delivery Boy was my age when we dated. We both have summer birthdays. Based on logic, old and new math, and common sense, we’re still the same age. I’m 48, so Delivery Boy’s…48. Check out his ad, though.

DO YOU HAVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS? IF YES..USE THEM Oh, I am. I am.

They have marked my birthdate incorrectly and unable to correct it on my end.....I am 38 not 37..... Strong sincere honest communication is key to a meaningful friendship.........This creates a strong more sincere understanding of each other........For starters, I'll use my communication skills to state that you’re a lying ***bleep*** ***bleep!*** Really? 37? Your baldness and inability to ***bleep*** tell a different story.

Thank goodness I have George, and he shows no signs of aging - if you know what I mean. Wink.

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   Tomorrow night marks the beginning of Hanukah. It’s an eight day celebration of  light, goodness, and miracles. 
   Note that you can spell Hanukah approximately 215 different ways, so don’t worry. You'll get it right, so long as you don't double up on side-by-side vowels. Start with one "H" or "Ch." You'll be fine. 
   They say that every Jewish holiday is summarized as “They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat!” So Eat. Be merry and bask in life's miracles. 

HAPPY CHANUKAH!