Today's guest should truly help in that regard. She's a comedic icon who first stole the spotlight on Johnny Carson's Late Night show in 1965. This woman's had her own talk show, published 12 best-selling books, and has gone under the knife for plastic surgery more times than Bruce Jenner and the cast of Jersey Shore. Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Joan Rivers!
Come on out here, Joan!
black = Robyn / blue = Joan
Oh Lord, can we get the alien back?
Joan walks out, oblivious to Robyn's comment. She's slightly hunched over and barely recognizable as a human. The audience, all plastic surgeons, toss business cards at her. Joan cackles and grabs cards that are flung her way, then stuffs them into the bra that secures her silicone chest.
Robyn gestures towards a plastic chair. Joan eyes Robyn as she takes a seat. Damn! What the f*k? You're shorter than I am. She cackles. And your boobs are starting to sag too honey. Can we talk? I've got seven hundred or so surgeons to hook you up with. She fondles her fake breasts. Cackle. Cackle.
Robyn takes a seat and mouths f*n b*tch, as Joan pulls business cards from her cleavage. So Joan, you wrote a book called "I Hate Everyone, Especially Me."
Um Hmm, Um Hmm. Yeah, I hate you too. I used to like you. I have no idea why. Now I find you over-the-top offensive, mean-spirited - an ugly person through and through. You dedicated this book to, and I quote, "OJ Simpson, who deserves another chance. Maybe the lippy ex-wife had it coming." That's a horrific, hateful, misogynistic statement.
Honey, clearly you need to get laid. Robyn gives Joan the (middle) finger. Joan doesn't notice. Her eyelids aren't functioning properly due to all the Botox. I tell you, I do too. It's been so long, I forgot who has the shlong and who has the vagina. Cackle. Cackle.
You wrote another horrible but best-selling book called "Men are stupid…and they like big boobs". Here's a quote from that one, "The truth is inner beauty might get you a promotion, or, for that matter, a raise, but inner beauty won’t get you a husband, or a lover." Uh Hmm, Uh hmm.
You reveal a lot by this, Joan. You're suggesting every woman's goal is to get a husband or get laid. Well, moving on, you're also suggesting that you know about beauty. Because what? You're beautiful, Joan? Robyn cackles hysterically. And you imply that all men are superficial. Can we talk, Joan? Sure we can talk sweetie, but you're starting to get on my nerves. Get real. If you want sex, you gotta look good.
Robyn raises her voice. No, you get real, 81 year old piece of sh-- plastic! If anyone does you, it's only because you have a vagina and no standards. Nor does he, she, or it. And humanly people, Joan, make connections based on things besides boob or nose size. And you're ugly. Really really ugly, inside and out. Now get the hell off my stage!
Joan looks at the camera as she prepares to exit the studio. She really needs to get laid!
Robyn leaves in search of a big, hot, dark, tall sundae and we cut to a commercial about the risks of eyelid surgery for people with no natural skin.
Sadly, there is a strong resemblance between Joan Rivers and the alien. I agree that the OJ Simpson line was in very poor taste, but I do admire how she's been able to successfully reinvent herself time and again.
ReplyDeleteJulie
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI am having an attack of the inadequacies tonight and reading this has at least reminded me that I am real. Not plastic. Not an alien.
Not wealthy and not a writer, but real nonetheless.
And I love your idea of the tall dark and hot sundae. Can we click glasses across the ether?
I think Joan got nasty because of spending too much time with her fellow humans. We'd deal with her issues if she came to live in the jungle. Is it safe to touch her boobs?
ReplyDeleteI'd think having sex with Joan would be a precursor to Toxic Shock Syndrome.
ReplyDeleteThen again, she might be misunderstood....... nah, even Forrest Gump would refuse to share his box of chocolates with her. "Run Forrest, Run!"
Blood, boobs, and carnage isn't superficial!
ReplyDeleteShe needs to get laid, but I don't know any dude who wants to sleep with an alien.
I think there is a place for inappropriate humour, as long as it reflects badly on the person who says it. If the joke is the bigotry or ignorance of the person making the comment, then that is usually funny and comes from a decent place.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I've never found Joan Collins to have that level of depth. She seems pretty spiteful and her jokes are generally pretty predictable and tired She should try injecting botox into her personality.
She's definitely an oddball to be sure, but I've always kind of liked her :)
ReplyDeleteI'm always surprised the dr.'s keep agreeing to multiple surgeries. Seems like people should come first, but I know that's sometimes a myth.
ReplyDeletelol well with all her plastic one really better watch out for probes
ReplyDeleteShe's 81? She looks horrid!
ReplyDeleteYou know the one thing about old age that all that plastic surgery, filler and botox can't hide? How she moves and walks. The last documentary about her had some footage of her from the back as she walked towards an exit. She moves like what she is -- an 80 year old woman. Truth is truth.
ReplyDeleteShe really is a grotesque lizard woman for sure.
ReplyDeleteBig boobs, small boobs, it doesn't matter.
As long as they're not man boobs.
I have some standards, after all.
I will be shaking with fear the rest of the day...all I can hear is the Cackle!
ReplyDeleteOh this is funny! Thanks for the great morning laugh! I still can't get the image of the alien out of my head... nor the visual of plastic surgeons hurling their business cards on stage! Great blog post!
ReplyDeleteI had to stop laughing hysterically at the pictures before I could even read the post. Zap!
ReplyDeleteIWSG #184 until Alex culls the list again.
very clever. You captured it perfectly. The documentary on her is fascinating. She did break a lot of glass ceilings, but has gone way to nasty dark.
ReplyDeleteAs some people get older, their inner censor withers. They get mean-spirited and due to their age often get away with offensive language and behavior. It is the beginning of dementia. I feel saddened at this stage of Joan Rivers life. :-(
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't get the people who try to "fix" their aging through surgery. A tummy tuck after major weight loss, okay. Corrective surgery on a limb that's too long, I get that. Restructuring your face? Erm, no.
ReplyDeleteGod she's awful isn't she? And i'm grateful I had no liquid in my mouth when I saw that alien picture or else you'd be buying me a new laptop. lol Joan always was edgy but I liked her in the 80s. She was hilarious. Now she's very mean spirited and cruel.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the chuckle. It relieves the anxiety caused by being an insecure writer. Your post also shows that you have great skill as a writer. I like the idea of using the very abrasive Joan Rivers as a vehicle. I wish I could add some humor to my work but as it stands it's quite dark.
ReplyDeleteCheck again. Are you absolutely sure that first photo isn't Joan Rivers? I think it just might be.
ReplyDeletefunny stuff. but i have no problem with joan. in fact you and she have a couple of things in common like, shes funny, you're funny. shes smart, you're smart. ah, hmm, - what else? shes not that tall, you're not that tall. great post! cheers!!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a child, Joan Rivers was funny. She was attractive, too. She has gradually become more and more mean spirited. Maybe it's because she feels she's been mistreated. She was the regular guest host on The Tonight Show once upon a time. When a discussion of Johnny Carson's eventual retirement began, Joan says she received a call from someone with the show telling her she wasn't even on the list of possible replacements for Carson. She was extremely offended. She went out and got her own talk show, which failed, and Johnny Carson never spoke to her again. Her husband committed suicide. She and her daughter went through a very rough patch because Melissa blamed Joan for the suicide. Perhaps all of that has added up to make Joan bitter. I hope I conveyed this story accurately. I have heard Joan tell it on some documentaries.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
EC, she's NO writer. Her books are crap. Yes, clickage is due.
ReplyDeleteI doubt it, GB.
Jacqueline, haha. I love it.
Addman, I fully agree. I used to find her funny, but that was before I realized what humor really is.
Mail4rosey, me too. I fault the doctors first and foremost. There's no reason for them to do an umpteenth cosmetic surgery, except because they value money more than others' lives.
L. Diane, LOL. So true.
Debra, good point. She shows her age in ways botox can't hide.
I'm glad you have standards, Al. I don't think Joan would mind man boobs, on her or anyone willing to sleep with her.
David, my deepest apologies.
I didn't even know she had a book out. Shows how much interest I have in her. I've always thought she was funny, but I haven't seen/heard anything from/about her in years. She does look kind of plastic(y) now.
ReplyDeleteComedic genius Joan Rivers.
ReplyDeleteHey, we're all about offensive humor, but you have to know how to do it right. Joan Rivers does not.
ReplyDeleteI never thought it'd be possible to yawn at so-called offensive jokes.
Oh, look, another Anne Frank joke! Possibly the only thing older than Joan Rivers' is her comedy.
Oh Joan has issues especially when the alien looks better. Her latest rant on the Palestinians. I don't mind the weird nut who probably would step on me and not take a second glance because I find, each time I see her, she has morphed into something even more strange like a Dick Tracy villain. I must say you are hilarious!!! I will show this to my hubby who can't stand this person
ReplyDeleteWhen you are very low on the celebrity pole I guess you have to scrape the bottom of that barrel by saying super offensive things to get noticed. She isn't the first and won't be the last. If we want to slow these people down the best way is to not financially support them (aka don't buy their junk).
ReplyDeleteOh, dear! I can't stop giggling over the alien picture. You really nailed the resemblance there! Then again, you might be in deep shit if the aliens ever see that. I don't think they would appreciate the comparison that much.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure it's the wrong photo? Looks identical to me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this woman was what they found in Roswell.
Hahahauah, I cannot find the alien photo again, folks. I'd forgotten to link it to the source and don't want some aliens suing me. It was a google image, and I'm finding similar ones (like relatives of Joan), but not that one. I'll check Joan Rivers photos, though. Your comments have keyed me in on that strategy. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteBnB, exactly. Your offensive humor is used to offend the already offensive. I intend the same. But joking about victims of horrid catastrophes (her own husband's suicide, for example), is far from chuckle worthy.
Birgit, I'm so glad you found me. It's great to connect!
Robin, Theresa, Vanessa, very well stated, ladies.
Cheers, all.
Keep a smile and your natural skin.
xoRobyn
A couple of years ago I saw the movie Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. It's a good movie about a sad woman.
ReplyDeleteHA! You had me with the alien picture! The rest was icing on the cake. I can't stand Joan. This post is spot on perfect. :)
ReplyDeleteI thought she (Joan Rivers) was funny at one time... in the 1960s. What a major disappointment since then. And that alien photo couldn't be more perfect. Oh wait, that's the Joan Rivers photo. Oh wait, that's.... Well, either way... perfect!
ReplyDeleteHa. That alien picture is awesome. And wow, I didn't know she said those things!! How sad that she's let herself get to this point where she's hardly even recognizable and a complete....dummy, to be nice.
ReplyDelete