And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Interview with Bruce Jenner: IWSG

Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded the IWSG to provide a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s a thoughtful, fun group.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to welcome a man who needs no intro, Bruce Jenner! Audience members look at each other with confused expressions. "Who the hell is that?" a young guy shouts.

Robyn: Oh, you don't know? Really? Bruce Jenner set a world record and won a gold medal for the decathlon in the '76 Summer Olympics. He was a worldwide hero, and a hottie too. Come on out here Bruce. Robyn faces the back of the stage. Bruce breaks through the gold curtains, sporting athletic attire. He runs at full speed and does laps around the stage, the Chariots of Fire theme song playing loudly. Robyn directs her young stage hand, Macaulay Culkin (he needed the work), to stop the music. Macaulay nods in compliance, walks backstage, and the music ends.

Bruce approaches Robyn for a handshake.
  Bruce Jenner, Olympic hero
Robyn: Welcome, Bruce. Have a seat, please.  Bruce and Robyn are seated in folding chairs. Tell me, you've achieved an athlete's dream, a world record in the decathlon! I remember cheering you on back then. I also - Robyn blushes - had a crush on you. She looks directly at Bruce. My God, what happened to your face?
Bruce Jenner, now, a Kardashian

Bruce chuckles. Yeah, it's a botched surgery. I've tried to fix it, but it only made things worse.

Robyn: I'm sorry. Robyn stands up and repositions her chair so that she has her back towards Bruce. Sorry. It's just really uncomfortable seeing your face. Anyway, I asked you here because I'm so unfocused and scattered these days. Or maybe these years. I don't know. It's all wrapped around feeling insecure as a writer, too. And today's our support group. I realize you had to be incredibly focused to win the gold. Tell us, what was your secret?

Bruce, smiling with pride: It's all here. He holds up a book. This is one of my published books. It's called Finding the Champion Within: A Step-by-Step Plan for Reaching Your Full Potential. 

Robyn: I saw that, and you released it back in 1999. You only have three reviews, she mocks. Three reviews in 14 years! Is that your full potential, Mr. Jenner?

Bruce may be shocked, but his taut skin and eyebrows appear frozen, so we can't tell. Look, I didn't come here to be ridiculed. I came here to talk about my daughters' new clothing line with Sears. I'm very proud of them.

Robyn: Your daughters? You mean, your stepdaughters, the Kardashians? How do you cope with the disgrace of having plummeted from American icon status to being a Kardashian? And do you honestly think Kim isn't fat? Come on Bruce, you're the reasonable one in that house. Sure, she's eating for two, if we're talking two elephants! Robyn guffaws. But would you tell that cow to quit whining and admit she's a fat cow with a really, really wide a*bleep*?!

Bruce: You have a point, but Kris is expecting me at home now for our annual marital relations. He stands up and jogs to the back of the stage. We hear the exit door open and shut.

Robyn: Well, folks, this just goes to show...I got nothing. But I do think it helps to focus on small goals, step-by-step, leaping the hurdles one by one, avoiding reality TV, denying the fact that many of our once admired heroes have sunk to the depths of disgrace and only got three reviews in 14 years since book release.  Any of us can beat those numbers, and they're Bruce Jenner's! How cool is that?

Thank you for attending today's show.  Happy May, everyone!

40 comments:

  1. Some good advice, I admit I never knew who he was

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  2. Bruce should have reminded you that he's not a writer, just someone who put some words in a book that got published. His face looks slightly effeminate to me. Do you think Kris calls all the shots in the marital bed?

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  3. OMG> spit coffee. Hilarious! I loved Bruce Jenner when I was a kid. Now...he is just weird.

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  4. When I was young, I thught Bruce was very cute!! Now.. not so much. I wonder if he honestly knows how bad he has made himself look.

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  5. It was so good to see Macaulay Culkin again! I hadn't even realized that Bruce Jenner was the same person as the Olympic athlete. I prefer wrinkles, gentlemen, except for in penises.

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  6. Waaaay before my time haha but just goes to show even in your prime, a cat can get more reviews. Has to give him the blues.

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  7. Well, if Bruce Jenner's shitty book review history can't boost the confidence of an insecure writer, I don't know what will!

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  8. You have a point! We can all beat three reviews.
    He does look scary now...

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  9. I'm with you and the audience in being confused when it comes to who Bruce Jenner is, I know the Kardashians aren't his children but I wish he would just change his name to Bruce Kardashian and the same for the younger teenage daughters, it gets so confusing the way it is!

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  10. Great ISWG as usual by the way Robyn, your mock interviews are my favourite thing of all, I just love it that much.

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  11. Hey Bruce and hey Robyn,

    I remember you at the Montreal Olympics, dude. I also remember you begging for my autograph. Oh, how times have changed!

    Oh my, I thought the "Kardashians" were an alien lifeform on Star Trek.

    You'll always be a superstar to me, Bruce. If you're really desperate, you can audition for the British um reality show, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"

    And Robyn, I'm in a state of shock. I thought that "IWSG" meant "I Was Seeking Gary." Oops..LOL!

    Gary x :)

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  12. Oh Robyn,

    I thought I was going to comment on the folding chairs, maybe even Macaulay, but then, then came the turning of your chair away from him. I laughed so hard. I'm so glad I am at home reading this. I had to stop for a minute before I could keep on reading. That hit my funny bone because I could really picture it in my head. Great job!

    Elsie

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  13. A blog right up my clipboard - all about chocolate!

    But that Bruce Jenner...um...are you sure it really WAS Bruce Jenner? Looked more like a leftover mannequin in a forgotten department store, heh heh.

    Three reviews, eh? About the product Wheaties?

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  14. I love your mock interviews. Funny and so clever. A fun read.

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  15. O EM GEE! You made me spit out my water!!! hahahaha

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  16. Oh Lord. I think I was happier when I only remembered him from the old days.

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  17. HA! Laugh out loud funny! It's hard to believe it was that long ago that Jenner won the gold medal, though. Yipes. Best lower-the-bar tidbit here is that he only got three reviews in all those years. (I hope they were at least GOOD reviews!) Now my goal is to get at least FOUR reviews...

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  18. John, I'm surprised by how many don't.

    GB, oh yeah, Kris is the one wearing the pants. Bruce probably likes pink dresses.

    MF, so glad to make you spit coffee, and I fully agree about Bruce.

    MyJourney, he was a babe. Right?

    Tara, LOL. Wrinkly penises aren't so attractive.

    Pat, yeah, you're too young. I think his ego is too inflated to realize 3 reviews in 14 yrs is bad.

    Debra, that's what I'm sayin'. Thanks.

    Alex, he looks like Frankenstein.

    Thanks, YW. Yes, if he wants people to know who he is, he should just change his name. He's confused a lot of people.

    Gary, thanks for being my best and only fan. Love, Bruce.

    Gary, when I use the letters, IWSG, with you, that's what it means. Wink.

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  19. Elsie, the funniest part about the moment when I turned my chair is that he didn't react. I think he's used to it.

    I B Nosey, great to meet you. He probably would've done better had he written about Wheaties than his own life.

    Thanks, Stephen. I'm really glad you like these. They're fun to write.

    Yvonne, oops. I'm glad it was water and not a chocolate milkshake. I wouldn't want you to waste good chocolate.

    LD, me too. It's hard to believe it's the same guy.

    Susan, you will surely do much better with your book and reviews. They were decent reviews, but not stellar. Not even all 5's; he got one 4. All in all, considering this is Bruce Jenner we're talking about, it's pathetic!

    xoRobyn

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  20. Hilarious!

    BTW Kim's butt was never a problem for me, I thought she had an amazing body (tiny waist, big butt, big boobs). The problem is the other end. When she starts talking, I want jam metal objects in my ears. Her voice is the most annoying, overly girly, whiner voice. Ugh. My husband (who adores a big booty) thought she was super hot until he heard her talk. His face contorted in fear and horror and he was like, "Nope, our love affair is done. We are breaking up."

    It was a relief for him. She was really high maintenance anyway.

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  21. Oh the Kardashians... wastes of good oxygen if you ask me. You do the most creative IWSG posts ever. I love reading them as they always make me smile, but they always inspire me too. Hugs!

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  22. I'm kinda ashamed that I've watched the dumb show enough that I know exactly what you're talking about. They really treat him badly. "You've come a long way, baby!" Yeah, a long way - straight down the crapper for poor old Bruce.

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  23. This is the perfect IWSG post. Next time you feel like a failure, just remember you could look like that and be in the same family as Kim "Functionally Useless In All Ways" Kardashian AND Khloe "Jurassic Park" Kardashian.

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  24. Cheryl guffaws!!!!

    "Sure, she's eating for two, if we're talking two elephants! Robyn guffaws. But would you tell that cow to quit whining and admit she's a fat cow with a really, really wide a*bleep*?!"

    Seriously, the most truthful statement ever written, Robyn.

    As for the guy that asked "who is that?" I am sure he couldn't recognize him with his new plastic face.

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  25. I thought Bruce Jenner always wore a mask. That's his face?!?!

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  26. That was funny Robyn!
    From international athlete of the decade, to houseboy for the Kardashian ladies. When the mighty fall, they usually fall hard.

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  27. Nice meeting you Robyn. It was funny, enjoyed reading it.

    Rachna Chhabria
    Co-host IWSG

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  28. Glad I finally made it by. Hilarious as always (if not a little sad also). From THE Mighty Bruce to a Kardashian - oops!

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  29. This is hilarious!!! Sadly, Bruce did earn another "gold" by marrying into the Kardashian empire and livin' the high life. Though you would think he could afford a better plastic surgeon.

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  30. This was hilarious! I liked reading this very much.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  31. Mencara, thanks for the hilarious response. Now, I wanna hang out with you & your hubs. Yes, the problem is not (or not only) her wide butt, but her mouth. She "sooo seriously" needs to shut the hell up.

    Mellissa, thank you, dear friend. You consistently make me laugh and feel inspired too. Hugs and smiles.

    Lexa, truth be told, when I'm near a tv (I don't watch TV at home), I check to see if Keeping Up...is on. Why? So I can watch it!

    BnB, thank you. I especially appreciate your nickname for Khloe. Juraissic Park - LOL. That's perfect.

    Cheryl, I'm so glad to bring guffaws. Bruce does look like an entirely different person. I think a lot of people never made the connection because of it, and because he plummeted so far below sea level.

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  32. PTM, I'm afraid so. He's ready for Halloween all year long.

    Pat, well put. Yes, he fell as hard as anyone could. Yet he states that all he does as a father is a bigger achievement than winning the gold!

    Rachna, nice meeting you too. Thanks for the comment and return follow.

    Farawayeyes, thank you. Yeah, that's a big oops on his part.

    JustKeepingIt, true. He claims to have hit a low with a $300K debt before Kris entered the picture.

    Gina, thank you for visiting and leaving a comment. Glad you enjoyed it.

    Be well, everyone. Happy Friday and weekend.
    xoRobyn

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  33. Hey, Bruce Jenner is one of Iowa's claims to fame( or used to be). He went to college here. Every time I see anyone that has had a lot of work done, I am reminded of the movie Escape From LA and all the plastic surgery people.

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  34. I had no idea Bruce had done that to his face. How sad. :-(

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  35. I had a crush on Bruce too! I never noticed his scar before. It's a shame he didn't decide to age gracefully. This was fun, and the Macualay Culkin bit was a nice touch!

    Julie

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  36. Yeah...that surgery thing. That's what he gets for buying 'Face Lifts for Dummies' from COSTCO.

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  37. Robyn. Robyn, Robyn, Robyn. It's rare that I make audible noises when reading posts, other than chewing, but this had me chuckling out loud. Very funny! Now that I have a more complete blogroll, my visiting will be much better! I enjoy your spot!

    M.L. Swift, Writer

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  38. Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. Good advice, Robyn. It's so true.

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