Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to welcome a man who needs no intro, Bruce Jenner! Audience members look at each other with confused expressions. "Who the hell is that?" a young guy shouts.
Robyn: Oh, you don't know? Really? Bruce Jenner set a world record and won a gold medal for the decathlon in the '76 Summer Olympics. He was a worldwide hero, and a hottie too. Come on out here Bruce. Robyn faces the back of the stage. Bruce breaks through the gold curtains, sporting athletic attire. He runs at full speed and does laps around the stage, the Chariots of Fire theme song playing loudly. Robyn directs her young stage hand, Macaulay Culkin (he needed the work), to stop the music. Macaulay nods in compliance, walks backstage, and the music ends.
Bruce approaches Robyn for a handshake.
Bruce chuckles. Yeah, it's a botched surgery. I've tried to fix it, but it only made things worse.
Robyn: I'm sorry. Robyn stands up and repositions her chair so that she has her back towards Bruce. Sorry. It's just really uncomfortable seeing your face. Anyway, I asked you here because I'm so unfocused and scattered these days. Or maybe these years. I don't know. It's all wrapped around feeling insecure as a writer, too. And today's our support group. I realize you had to be incredibly focused to win the gold. Tell us, what was your secret?
Bruce, smiling with pride: It's all here. He holds up a book. This is one of my published books. It's called Finding the Champion Within: A Step-by-Step Plan for Reaching Your Full Potential.
Robyn: I saw that, and you released it back in 1999. You only have three reviews, she mocks. Three reviews in 14 years! Is that your full potential, Mr. Jenner?
Bruce may be shocked, but his taut skin and eyebrows appear frozen, so we can't tell. Look, I didn't come here to be ridiculed. I came here to talk about my daughters' new clothing line with Sears. I'm very proud of them.
Robyn: Your daughters? You mean, your stepdaughters, the Kardashians? How do you cope with the disgrace of having plummeted from American icon status to being a Kardashian? And do you honestly think Kim isn't fat? Come on Bruce, you're the reasonable one in that house. Sure, she's eating for two, if we're talking two elephants! Robyn guffaws. But would you tell that cow to quit whining and admit she's a fat cow with a really, really wide a*bleep*?!
Bruce: You have a point, but Kris is expecting me at home now for our annual marital relations. He stands up and jogs to the back of the stage. We hear the exit door open and shut.
Robyn: Well, folks, this just goes to show...I got nothing. But I do think it helps to focus on small goals, step-by-step, leaping the hurdles one by one, avoiding reality TV, denying the fact that many of our once admired heroes have sunk to the depths of disgrace and only got three reviews in 14 years since book release. Any of us can beat those numbers, and they're Bruce Jenner's! How cool is that?
Thank you for attending today's show. Happy May, everyone!