Welcome to this year's second meeting of the IWSG (Insecure Writer’s Support Group). Alex J. Cavanaugh founded this group to provide us with a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s a great group. Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
Robyn: Thank you, audience, for navigating all the construction that’s been going on in preparation for today’s show. We had to widen the studio for our special guests. As you know, we bring only the biggest of celebrities to Life by Chocolate, so today we welcome Honey Boo Boo and her mommy, June Thompson.
The audience shouts obscenities. Honey Boo Boo rushes in. June stomps behind her, and Lionel Richie’s “Three Times a Lady” blasts the studio. Robyn motions for the stage director to bring a second, and then a third, sofa onto the stage. Honey Boo Boo spins around like an Energizer Bunny on crank. June (the mom) watches her, laughing hysterically.
Robyn tells June: Thank you for being here. June pulls a beer bottle out of her back pocket, uncaps it with her mouth, and takes a swig. Robyn motions towards the sofas. Oh, wait a moment. She sprays the sofas with lavender scented Febreze. They take their seats, Robyn on one sofa, June on the other two. So, I invited you here for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t get it. I mean, she – pointing at 7 year old Honey Boo Boo who runs up and down the aisles making arm-pit fart noises and laughing hysterically -- Do you ever discipline her?
June/Honey Boo Boo's Mom: Do I ever what?
Robyn: Yeah, that's what I thought. I don’t know why your kid's a hit. My nephew’s a million times cuter, smarter and sweeter. Actually, she’s not cute, smart or sweet at all. She’s an out-of-control, repulsive chubby little snot! And you, no offense – I deal with food issues and am addicted to chocolate and sugar myself – but you’ve got like twelve chins, lady. Yet you’re proud of your family’s diet!? And you tell that kid to stop eating chicken nuggets. Um, perhaps you should stop buying them, fat a**!
Honey Boo Boo runs up to June. Mommy, can I have some of your beer?
June/Honey Boo Boo's Mom: No…more than three sips, sweetie. Okay? You’ll ruin your appetite for dinner. We're havin' deep fried pork rinds and butter-flavored lard.
Honey Boo Boo gulps down the rest of the beer, drops the can onto the floor, smashes it with her foot, and belches. She laughs and starts singing: I love my poo-ooo-poo. I love my poo-oo-poo. Bwa-haha Hee hee Haha!
June laughs proudly. That's our family theme song. She made it up herself.
Robyn rolls her eyes. Hm mm. I'm going to shift gears a bit. Today, the IWSG meets. I don’t handle critical feedback well. I’m too insecure. But I need thick skin to put my writing out there. And you both have a lot of thickness. How do you handle it when people tell you, for example, that you're disgusting?
June: We're what? Oh, we're discussing. We like to talk? Yeah, we do like to shoot the sh*t!
Robyn: So ignorance really is bliss.
June: I don't know about that, but everyone likes us. It makes me happy. She starts picking her nose.
Honey Boo Boo runs back up to June. Mommy, I'm about to poop my pants! Hee heehee hee.
June to Robyn: Where's the can? Robyn points to the back of the stage. Honey Boo Boo hops towards the restroom like a drunken hyena, followed by her mother, caught on camera picking her butt.
The cameraman zooms in on Robyn. I'm really sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It was a bad attempt to boost my ratings after last month's Justin Bieber fiasco. But we did learn that you can ignore harsh feedback. Pretend it doesn't exist, and pay attention to all of your fans, even if you're a repulsive parent raising an animalistic child that you're trying to pass off as a beauty pageant winner because you and your twelve chins were never able to enter a pageant. But you aren't. You're much, much better than that! And we know there will always be harsh critics out there. Take criticism as a compliment, even. A strong reaction is much better than none at all.
Thanks for being patient enough to sit through all this. Be glad. Be proud. You aren't in that family.