A life by chocolate entails finding sweetness in the light and dark. Moreso, it's about addiction to cocoa. An insatiable sweet tooth doesn't hurt. Well, not until the yucky tartar buildup and stuff. To the point, I strive to entertain with topics such as the utter hilarity and cuteness of children; the challenges of dating, my related rationale for celibacy; and chocolate as a precious remedy for it all. Thanks for sampling Life by Chocolate. I hope you keep coming back for more.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Interview with Honey Boo Boo: IWSG

Welcome to this year's second meeting of the IWSG (Insecure Writer’s Support Group). Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded this group to provide us with a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s a great group.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
 

Robyn: Thank you, audience, for navigating all the construction that’s been going on in preparation for today’s show. We had to widen the studio for our special guests. As you know, we bring only the biggest of celebrities to Life by Chocolate, so today we welcome Honey Boo Boo and her mommy, June Thompson.

The audience shouts obscenities. Honey Boo Boo rushes in. June stomps behind her, and Lionel Richie’s “Three Times a Lady” blasts the studio. Robyn motions for the stage director to bring a second, and then a third, sofa onto the stage. Honey Boo Boo spins around like an Energizer Bunny on crank. June (the mom) watches her, laughing hysterically.

Robyn tells June: Thank you for being here. June pulls a beer bottle out of her back pocket, uncaps it with her mouth, and takes a swig. Robyn motions towards the sofas. Oh, wait a moment. She sprays the sofas with lavender scented Febreze. They take their seats, Robyn on one sofa, June on the other two. So, I invited you here for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t get it. I mean, she – pointing at 7 year old Honey Boo Boo who runs up and down the aisles making arm-pit fart noises and laughing hysterically -- Do you ever discipline her?

June/Honey Boo Boo's Mom: Do I ever what?

Robyn: Yeah, that's what I thought. I don’t know why your kid's a hit. My nephew’s a million times cuter, smarter and sweeter. Actually, she’s not cute, smart or sweet at all. She’s an out-of-control, repulsive chubby little snot! And you, no offense – I deal with food issues and am addicted to chocolate and sugar myself – but you’ve got like twelve chins, lady.  Yet you’re proud of your family’s diet!? And you tell that kid to stop eating chicken nuggets. Um, perhaps you should stop buying them, fat a**!

Honey Boo Boo runs up to June. Mommy, can I have some of your beer?

June/Honey Boo Boo's Mom: No…more than three sips, sweetie. Okay? You’ll ruin your appetite for dinner. We're havin' deep fried pork rinds and butter-flavored lard.

Honey Boo Boo gulps down the rest of the beer, drops the can onto the floor, smashes it with her foot, and belches. She laughs and starts singing: I love my poo-ooo-poo. I love my poo-oo-poo. Bwa-haha Hee hee Haha!

June laughs proudly. That's our family theme song. She made it up herself.

Robyn rolls her eyes. Hm mm. I'm going to shift gears a bit. Today, the IWSG meets. I don’t handle critical feedback well. I’m too insecure. But I need thick skin to put my writing out there. And you both have a lot of thickness. How do you handle it when people tell you, for example, that you're disgusting?

June: We're what? Oh, we're discussing. We like to talk? Yeah, we do like to shoot the sh*t!

Robyn: So ignorance really is bliss.

June: I don't know about that, but everyone likes us. It makes me happy. She starts picking her nose.

Honey Boo Boo runs back up to June. Mommy, I'm about to poop my pants! Hee heehee hee.

June to Robyn: Where's the can? Robyn points to the back of the stage. Honey Boo Boo hops towards the restroom like a drunken hyena, followed by her mother, caught on camera picking her butt.

The cameraman zooms in on Robyn. I'm really sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It was a bad attempt to boost my ratings after last month's Justin Bieber fiasco. But we did learn that you can ignore harsh feedback. Pretend it doesn't exist, and pay attention to all of your fans, even if you're a repulsive parent raising an animalistic child that you're trying to pass off as a beauty pageant winner because you and your twelve chins were never able to enter a pageant. But you aren't. You're much, much better than that! And we know there will always be harsh critics out there. Take criticism as a compliment, even. A strong reaction is much better than none at all.

Thanks for being patient enough to sit through all this. Be glad. Be proud. You aren't in that family.

24 comments:

Anthony J. Langford said...

Honey Boo Boo!
haha hilarious!
Robyn, you are so talented.
I would so love to see this in action.. haha

Criticism hurts, that's just part of the deal. But at least we don't poop our pants haha

xo

Gorilla Bananas said...

I haven't seen her TV show but now you've made me slightly curious. They do take criticism well, but maybe because they don't understand it. Maybe what insecure writers need is their own reality TV show to dull their powers of comprehension.

Annalisa Crawford said...

I've not seen the programme, just read about it in UK tabloids. I'm sort of curious now... :-)

T. Drecker said...

Hilarious! I laughed at the Febreez. A great point and in a wierd way, very realistic. Scary, huh?

Emily L. Moir-Genther said...

Wow, I'm amazed at how you turned something as obnoxious as Honey Boo Boo into inspiration. You are one talented lady :)

Empty Nest Insider said...

I would love if Dr. Phil sent his Robin on vacation, and hired you as his co-host! You shrunk Honey Boo Boo and her mama real good!
Julie

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

A lot of thickness!
You talk of deep fried pork and butter flavored lard as if that were unusual in the south. Robyn, they deep fry the salad bar here!!
Robyn, develop that thick skin, because you are going to HAVE to put out my writing. You're just too good to keep it from the world.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Anthony, thanks so much. I never watched them until yesterday, to research for this post. They are...well, I said it here.

GB, exactly. I think all the stupid celebrities are clueless like that. The rest of us should be so ignorant.

Annalisa, I've never watched the show either, just some clips for this post. You need not see it. In fact, please don't. =)

T.Drecker, yes, very scary. They have millions of fans.

Emily, thanks so much. I appreciate it.

EmptyNestInsider, that would be fun. I'm not quite as diplomatic as Robin McGraw.

Alex, mmm, deep fried salad bars. LOL. Thanks so much, Alex. I go down to the South before I publish my book.

Keep a smile, all,
xoRobyn

Pat Hatt said...

So scary how so many watch them for delight, blah to that. Nose picking inbred pants poopers are not for me haha

farawayeyes said...

'And you both have a lot of thickness.' I'm dying here, this is hilarious. Someone said they would ACTUALLY love to SEE this. A big no thank you to that, reading it was enough.

Great post. I think I'll keep my own insecurities and stay in touch with reality. Not only are these people oblivious, obnoxious and insulting to the intelligence of society as a whole, they are...well...er...I guess that says it all. And I have never even seen them, except for a youtube excerpt or two.

Stephen Hayes said...

Believe me, I AM proud I'm not in that family. Very proud.

Momma Fargo said...

omg! I think this is your funniest yet. I snorted my coffee all over the screen and laughed out loud. Thanks for that!! Loved it!

YeamieWaffles said...

I knew when Honey Boo Boo's mum also joined you on stage that this was going to be an absolute laugh riot Robyn and it didn't disappoint. The theme song bit really made me laugh as did reading about lard flavoured butter, wait it was butter flavoured lard, made me laugh all the same though Robyn, brilliant post.

M. J. Joachim said...

The title of your blog is enough to keep my attention. Add in the comical dialog and I'm having way too much fun here.

Betty Manousos said...

LOL! i can always count on you for a good laugh!

xoxo

Lexie C. said...

You always do an amazing job of presenting an insecurity in a hilarious way! I need a thicker skin but not thick like these folks.
Wonderful as usual and I'm looking forward to reading more from you! :)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Pat, you said it well. You said it right. These people are a fright.

FarAway, yes, you said it too. I'm so glad to make you laugh. Thanks.

Stephen, stay proud and stay away from Southern Alabama (or Ga or wherever they are).

Momma, I snort when my readers do. So thank YOU. Glad to make you mess up your screen. Love ya.

YW, no worries, lard flavored butter has the same amount of fat (120%) as butter flavored lard. Thanks for your comment.

MJ, thanks for the comment and follow. Nice to meet you here.

Betty, I do what I can at others' (and sometimes my own) expense. Hugs.

Thanks, Lexie. Yeah, it's the kind of thickness I'm developing but don't want. Need new strategy.

Keep a smile, all,
xoRobyn

A Beer For The Shower said...

While this is gut-bustingly hilarious, it's also sad because this is not very far off from a real interview with her and her terrible mother. At what point will we realize she's no longer the butt of the joke when she makes more per episode than most of us make per year?

Tamara said...

haha...LOVE this. I've never seen the show--I refuse to watch. But I've seen bits and pieces of things online. Enough to know who these people are. She's the mom who initially got famous with the whole caffeinated drink thing to get the little kid through pageants, right?

Bizarre. There is no accounting for who becomes a celebrity these days. Love the blog though. Thanks for the follow on mine and I'm definitely following back!! Glad you found me and it's very nice to meet you! :)

Tammy Theriault said...

hilarious!!! hahaha...totally wacky, too. newest follower, hi!

Rekha Seshadri said...

Sorry to say I've never heard of the show before...kinda glad I am not joining the rank of unfortunates forced to watch it.
Thick skin...are there made to order shops? I would need one similar to what the astronauts wear. Your book excerpt held my attention, so hold on with all your might to the publishing dream.

Julie Flanders said...

This totally cracked me up haha:

"How do you handle it when people tell you, for example, that you're disgusting?"

I've never seen Honey Boo Boo but I've no doubt you've captured the family well. What a great IWSG post. :)

Al Penwasser said...

"Honey Boo Boo-A Life in the Trailer Park"
or
"When Cousins Marry."
or
"Yew Gonna Eat That?"

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

BnB, I know. They make 50K (or maybe "just" 30K) per episode. I most enjoy mocking people like June: talentless filthy rich. Worse yet, they exploit their little girl like that. I guess it's better to laugh than cry over.

Tamara, yes. She does something like mix Mtn Dew with Red Bull. Thanks for the return follow. It's great to meet you too. =)

Tammy, thanks so much.

Rek, a made-to-order shop for thick skin would do well amongst the writing community (or just the 2 of us). Thanks for your supportive words.

Thank you, Julie, and thanks for co-hosting.

Al, as usual, you've made me laugh. My favorite subtitle is "When Cousins Marry".

Keep a smile, friends,
xoRobyn