Dear Sillies,
She smiles bravely for the cameras. She sports a new, peppy, Canadian sky-blue hat and dress-suit designed by William is My Everything, Inc.
Yet in an earth-shattering move, her beloved Prince Harry and his beautiful new wife Meghan, with their precious baby unfortunately named "Archie," abandoned her Majesty to pursue life in the beautiful great North that is Canada.
Is Queen Elizabeth truly honey nut cheerios amid this shocking news, or are her royal granny panties in a grand bunch royally? Life by Chocolate has the story!
First -- Robyn rolls out the world's biggest English apple fruit roll-up, which spans the length of the stage -- Let's rise to welcome the oldest, most longstanding Queen, the old one who's been standing since she took Sir Loin for her last ride (and perhaps vice versa) many a fortnight ago, Queen Elizabeth II!
93 year old Queen Elizabeth struts methodically across the fruit roll-up, her 98 year old sleep-walking husband by her side. They stop in front of Robyn, center stage. Prince Philip drops sluggishly onto the stage floor.
Robyn Oh my, is that guy okay?
Queen Elizabeth Who knows? Frankly, who cares? Ta-ta, my Philly beefsteak. It was long and sometimes hard. Well, not quite long. Not real hard either. She smirks.
Robyn I hear ya. The long, hard combo. Few are so lucky. Back to you, Lizzy. You're most important. Robyn flashes a cheesy smile at the Queen and then at the camera. I just love Harry and Meghan for breaking free! I'm all about hashtag "Go Megs and Harry," you know?!
Queen Elizabeth's face reddens. She glares at Robyn and pushes up her middle finger as if to adjust her hat. My William are Kate are magnificent!
Robyn Not really. William's bald. He had plenty of hair until, wait. Did you cause it? Don't answer that. Robyn looks directly at the camera. Shout out to Prince William: Rogaine!
Queen Elizabeth looks perplexed.
Robyn enunciates and pushes her fists in a rowing manner along her side -- "row" and then, Robyn cups her boobies and bounces them up and down (which she appears to really enjoy doing) -- "gain." Row-gain!
Queen Elizabeth I know what it is, certainly. Philly needed it for his nether regions some time ago. However, are all Americans quite as rude as you?
Robyn thinks for a moment. Yep. She belches, unplanned too. We're rude. Stupid too. We dunno this booze-wahzee biz. Is that where Hillary started a war or somethin? We hate imperial margarine sh*t. But Harry and Meghan. Love 'em! Archie, though--unfortunate name. Surely it's easy to change your name in Canada. God bless Trudeau. I mean, what a hottie! Right? And let's be real, one can hardly change their name, much less their Depends, in your--
Queen Elizabeth appears aghast. She shouts Up! Prince Charles jumps up and escorts her sheepishly, sleepishly off the stage.
Robyn What can I say, people? God bless Canada! Hashtag "Go Harry and Megs but for the grace of God change your baby's name," and today's show is sponsored by Rogaine. Grow new, thick hair within weeks. Weeks! Robyn winks.
Chocolate cheerios, my friends! Chocolate cheerios!
At her age I cannot imagine there is much that doesn't get her panties in a bunch!
ReplyDeleteGood point, Bathwater.
DeleteThanks for making me laugh too.
At her age, she probably doesn't wear panties anymore...
ReplyDeleteHaha, Alex. Hm, maybe a g-string?
DeleteYou've succeeded again at making me laugh out loud. Thanks for that.
Well, that was certainly eye-opening, Robyn, about both the Queen and Americans! I support Harry and Meghan making a dash for the door, too, and welcome to Canada, I say, BUT don't expect the Canadian taxpayer to pick up one red cent of your security costs, you parasites! No welfare for the wealthy! If Trudeau agrees to subsidize them, I'm going to be royally pissed off.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that would be unreasonable. They have millions, in spite of cutting ties. There's no reason they shouldn't support themselves, and I do believe it's their plan. Or it should be. I just so royally love them. Did you know that the place they're staying in has connections with the Clintons? Fascinating, right? =)
DeleteI'm with Debra on this one! I welcome them to Canada but do not want to get stuck picking up the tab for security costs. That would be completely unfair!
DeleteI knew you'd have the inside chocolate cheerio scoop. Archie will be king someday - a worker bee at Burger King (I stole that from Trevor Noah). The Queen's feisty - she can rattle her jewelry and still command respect. As long as she doesn't ask for a DNA test for Harry...that could make things very interesting...Good reporting Robyn. Bless your belch.
ReplyDeleteI love every bit of this comment, Joanne. Trevor Noah - sigh. Now there's a perfectly fine, witty man.
DeleteCheerio, my good friend.
I never knew this about the Queen. She would have to be feisty.
ReplyDeleteShe's been feisty to what seems 500 years, Susan.
DeleteI do respect her for that. But let the kids have their lives, and don't berate them for it. I suspect there's been a lot of abuse and/or at least very harsh treatment behind the royal curtains.
Thanks for chiming in.
Your mind wanders more than my mind did in a high school math class...
ReplyDeletewww.thepulpitandthepen.com
Haha. I like that comparison. My mind is out of control, that's for sure.
DeleteHope you're well, Sage.
From one Elizabeth to the other, I'm just certain she can't be all bad. But living under that tabloid microscope? Who could manage it who hasn't grown up under it. I think Di's young men are mindful of protecting their wives.
ReplyDeleteArchie. Yes, that was about as good a name as Harry.
Yes, Di's young men are good husbands. It can't be easy for any of them. I guess Harry is as bad as Archie. You'd think he'd have learned. But the royal British names are pretty limited, I suppose. (Elizabeth or Victoria for females, Archibald or William or Philip for males. Pfft, boring. He needs a new and improved Canadian name, ey?)
DeleteCheers, Elizabeth.
Rogaine? I wouldn't advise it --tastes awful and didn't help me.
ReplyDeleteBwahaha - Oh no, don't drink -- ugh, too late. But I do see a full head of hair in your avatar. Perhaps via mouth is the most effective route. (?)
DeleteSomehow I just can't picture the Royals spending a winter in the Yukon. Or even Saskatchewan. Maybe the sunny beaches of Newfoundland in the summer? I suspect that they will be gone most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI'd invite them to stay with me in Northern California, but it's not quite at their level of accommodations, Jono. I think they're be just fine, wherever they are, so long as it's not Buckingham Palace.
DeleteI wonder, when Archie grows up, if he will call his dad Meathead? Ahh good ole Meg wants to make sure Harry is all her so what better way than to cause a big disturbance and then distance him from his family. Poor ole Lizzie must be just shaking her head. I winder when the divorce papers will happen?
ReplyDeleteHa! I think of Archie Bunker, too, when I hear the name Archie. But I don't blame Meghan. She's a beauty and has solid values. She grew up in LA, and her mom works or worked for an agency that played a crucial role in my family's life when we were at our worst. I don't understand why she's so hated. I have a strong suspicion Lizzie hasn't been so sweet, Birgit. And when she shakes her head, how does that hat stay on?
DeleteThanks for making me laugh, as usual.
Archie? Dear lord, that's horrible. Everyone will think Archie Bunker.
ReplyDeleteHaha. I know, right? That's the first and only thing I think of. Well, also Archie from the comic books. But that's not a pleasant image either. No baby should be named Archie.
DeleteThanks, Diane.
I think the only thing she's gaining at her age is with a good can of spotted dick.
ReplyDeleteArchie is a horrible name, and from what i hear, Canada doesn't want the spoiled rich brats.
Oh, man. You Canadians are really tough on them. I suppose it's a different perceptive. But they're wise to chose Canada. Your country is, after all, truly the best. I wonder if they already knew Trudeau. Do you think they used to play beer pong together or something, Pat Hatt?
DeleteArchie is an unfortunate name indeed! Chocolate Cheerios?! You've caught my attention--I'm listening...
ReplyDeleteThey aren't bad, Connie.
DeleteChocolate cheerio!
Be well.
I'm still trying to figure out what possessed them to name that baby Archie. Yumm chocolate cheerios! Go on...
ReplyDeletePoor kid. Unfortunate name.
DeleteHugs, Yvonne.
Thank you, Nastya.
ReplyDeleteWhere are you from?
I wish I could read the language (Russian?) on your blog.
Be well.
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