Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Memo to the Men I've Been Not Dating



Dear Guys Who I've Been Not Dating These Days,
What is wrong with you? Never mind, I don’t have the time.
Here’s some unsolicited advice. 

·       Dude 1, DO NOT fail to call a woman when you say you will and then contact her the following week with no excuse for your failure to call earlier except “I was busy.” Don’t then engage her in a second in-depth conversation, at the end of which you promise a phone-call about a plan for the upcoming Saturday night. Then, don’t fail to contact her to make said plan for Saturday night. By all means, don’t have the nerve to show up with a buddy at the club you’d suggested you’d go to together on Saturday night. When she sees you at this club on Saturday night, and the music stops (conveniently, between songs), and all eyes on you, all ears on her, and she inquires angrily about your inability to use a phone, twice now, don’t say this: “I lost your number, and I didn’t want to go through my phone to leave messages.” Because when she publicly shames you, after which she exchanges fist-bumps with a male friend, and the crowd looks on approvingly (or sympathetically, or perhaps, fearfully because, as male friend says, she’s “pretty intimidating!”), you’ll feel smaller than you already are. Don’t do it, dude.
·        
      Dude 2, DO NOT text her 10 times between the night you met and 1pm the next day. Don’t write, “So your ignoring my messages. LOL.,” and when she responds the next morning with “Got home late, needed sleep,” don’t reply: “Apologies, but who is this?” and then, “Robyn/Gal’s name, this is dude 2 from last night.” She knows. Stop! Don’t do it, dude. PS Learn about the apostrophe.
·        
      Dude 3, DO NOT have a cute, endearing smile and tell her how much you want to see her, after telling her you’re not ready for a relationship, and after dissing her to go sell baseball cards on EBay. Don’t take for granted that she’ll wait for you to man up, or that she wants to hang out in the friend-zone. Go for a grand slam, if you earn her trust back first, or don’t play at all. Don’t do it, dude.

Dude 4, DO NOT get or stay in your usual drunken state at a party, chat with a lady in a crowded room, tell her you're married, and -out of the blue- pucker your lips and lean in towards her, as if she would be happy to kiss you. Eww, what is wrong with you? Never mind, I don't have the time. Don't do it, dude.

Dear Sillies,
I hope you’re safe.
Second, I hope you’re feeling strong--spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
I’m fine. These petty annoyances are my fault for failing to swear off the male species. But who knew the "not dating" thing could be so irritating? If I’m going to continue to not date, I’d like a little action on the side (with a nonmarried, decent one), you know? Oy vey.
Love you.
Take care.

49 comments:

  1. Hoping that you are safe. Knowing that you are strong. And hoping that a decent non-married one appears in your life and produces moments which would melt down any screen you described them on.

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    1. Sounds so divine. Thank you, EC. I must re-read this comment until it happens. =)

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  2. Really sorry they dumped all the loser dudes in or near your home town.
    Did you punch that guy when he leaned in for a kiss?

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    1. He disappeared quickly. But I told a group of gal pals and they wanted me to point him out, so we could all pounce on him (in a bad way). When I pointed him out, I got the full story. He's like that. Married to a huge woman (thus, he wanted a taste of the opposite?). Weirdo. Yeah, we knew that already, Alex. Thank you for your sympathy.

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  3. Wow....what a bunch of jerks! They really blew it!

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    1. I don't know what's going on, JoJo. These are (supposedly) grown men. Oy.

      Thank you. Stay safe, my friend.

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  4. That first guy had it coming. Yes, a bunch of jerks.

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    1. He did. And we keep seeing each other in the community. Of course. He looks scared and stays far away when we see each other. It's pretty funny.

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  5. They had it coming ... omg ... so funny ... in a way ... Love, cat.

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    1. Tried to order one of your books through Amazon, but doesn't work ... bummer ... c.

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    2. Wait, it didn't work? I'm trying to find you. Let me get back on this. It may've been in a little window during which I was making minor revisions.

      You're awesome! Thank you. Trying to find you to connect. =)

      Delete
  6. Hopefully the last guy got whacked upside the head at least. The baseball card dude needs to get a grip. Maybe him and the needy text-er can get a grip together. First guy got his indeed.

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    1. Lol - male co-gripping. I'm thinking that doubles the fear/wimp factor. Regardless, it's pretty gripping. I really do hope the last guy gets some clue that he's completely inappropriate. Somehow, I'm doubtful.

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  7. Do Not Mess with Robyn. Oy - these guys are idiots. Maybe a license/test should be required to use a phone. That could perhaps limit the clueless ones? Perhaps.
    Keep dreaming and maintain your smile. It's a silly world.

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    1. Haha. Yeah, they should have to take a class, powerpoint presentations and all, on the basic use of the phone. Not a smart phone with apps and all, just a class on how to make a phone call. Oy vey.
      Thanks for always making me smile, Joanne.

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    2. the problem with my plan is I would fail the test too and be unable to have a phone. I am a bit of a techno idiot.

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  8. Why do you keep dealing with these losers when I am right here with my tickle trunk full of costumes.

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    1. Oh, Cal, the tickle trunk? You keep tempting me. Why must you be so far away? *salivating over thoughts about that precious tickle trunk,* and you. ;~)

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  9. Robyn, you're an intelligent, beautiful woman with a brain full of fun. Your dude-provisos are excellent cautionary directions for all those courtesy-impaired guys who might secretly despair of themselves --they will be improved by them. 50 years ago I met Norma and she has almost got me civilized --anything's possible. Don't give up.

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    1. Ahhh, you're so sweet, Geo. Norma's done good work. You, clearly, had great potential 50 yrs ago. That perhaps doesn't sound right. You still have great potential. No, I mean, you've achieved great courtesy, refinement, and civility. Much to your and Norma's credit. Thank you, kind man!

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  10. You rock, Robyn. And these guys don't. So many rotten apples out there. You deserve much better than this.

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    1. Thank you, sweet Martha. Yeah, especially that last one. Weird creeper. I don't know why I've had this string of weirdness. I'm not even trying to not date.

      Be well.

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  11. I can't imagine what dating would be like these days. The last time I dated, LBJ was in the White House.

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    1. Oh my, LBJ. Who is that? I kid. I did a lot of dating when Clinton was in the White House. Hmm, that's curious. I don't think people "date" anymore, Stephen. I don't know. I can't figure it out.

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  12. So, first was a jerk which no woman would want to be near and then you, thankfully, ran away from a possible stalker to a nerd who thinks baseball cards are more important to finally avoiding Mr. Herpes. I think it high time, you have fun with the girls, shake your thang like you don't care and have fun. You deserve having fun

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    1. Priceless summary, Birgit. I can always count on you. Love it. Yes, I shall have fun with girls (not the way Mr. Herpes likes to have fun with girls). And I'll dodge the duds.
      Keep a smile, silly lady.

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  13. Oy Vey indeed. Is "after dissing her to go sell baseball cards on EBay" a metaphor? Please say it's a metaphor because, if not, that's a sad sad dude. Also, can I have his number because there's some stuff I need to sell on EBay and want some pro tips. What a gaggle of socially inept nincompoops. Sorry you have to deal with them. Wishing you the best of luck in future male encounters (though, I don't have a lot of optimism for the male species).

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    1. You make me laugh too (as does Birgit). Not a metaphor. I wish it was. We were conversing on-line and he needed to go, stuff to do, like sell baseball cards on EBay. Thank you for your sympathy, PVP. I should stick with the cucumber, huh? Cucumbers are very, very good.

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  14. You need to find a better herd to choose from. Isn't there some kind of app for that? Someday someone will get seriously lucky and find you. If I should ever find myself in the dating world I will certainly contact you for advice on what not to do as you seem to have a pretty good list to work from.

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    1. There are too many apps for that, Jono. That's part of the problem.
      You're sweet. Thank you.
      And yeah, I have a few books worth of what not to do.
      Be well, my friend.

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  15. Ew. Just ew. Dating sucks. I'm so sorry you have to endure the nightmare of it all! Love you, my friend!

    Enjoy the rest of your week!
    Elsie

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    1. It's not so much that dating sucks (which it does), but it's that I get to have all these frustrations when I'm not dating. It's so wrong, my friend. So wrong.
      Love ya. Keep a smile.

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  16. The title alone had me laughing..
    Well, I've been going through similiar lately with the dating game. Could go into details but suffice to say, after meeting approx 20 women in the past year, I'm kinda done. For a while anyway.
    It's a freakin' jungle out there!

    xo

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    1. That it is, Anthony.
      Sorry you've been in the jungle too.
      xo

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  17. Oh Robyn, it's enough to make a grown ape sigh. I wish you'd told Dude 4 you had a horse with a butt that needed kissing.

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    1. I think that would have gotten him excited, GB. And then I'd have to find a horse for the jackass.
      Thank you for caring, though.

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  18. Replies
    1. btw, I'm sure your new belt buckle will keep more men away (or only attract the likes of Hulk Hogan)

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    2. Hm, yeah, I'm thinking it could work as a chastity belt. Smiles. Thank you, Sage.

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  19. You should probably thank your lucky stars that none of these maroons was able to suppress their stupidity for even short periods of time.

    One of my daughters (single) says that men are getting progressively more stupid as time passes. She says the only way to proceed safely with one of them, is to NEVER allow yourself to develop feelings early on. Given enough time, their true IQ will either prove themselves to be smart and honest enough for you, or that they are idiots, bastards, or both. I thought she hit it right on the head...

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    1. Haha. Yes, your daughter is a wise woman.
      I'm finding that the nicer, more sensitive ones are so cowardly, it's bewildering.

      Thanks, Pat. Have a great week.

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  20. I like this idiotic idea that if he explains he's married first, then it doesn't make him a jerk. Because, well, he told you upfront. And honesty has to count for something, right?

    (Well, not honesty to his wife, but that's clearly besides the point)

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    1. Yes, of course, BnB. When a man is courageous and noble enough to be honest, he must be rewarded with a full on (tongue included) kiss - no matter how gross or married he is. Geeze, I'm a prude.

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  21. A lot of salient tips there. I'm glad I'm well out of the dating game!

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    1. I'm glad for you too, Nick. It's getting weirder and weirder out there.

      Thank you for dropping by.

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  22. Ha ha .... like that .... learn about the apostrophe

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    1. Glad to make you smile, Haddock. Thank you for commenting. It's very much appreciated.

      Delete
  23. Wise pieces of advice here. They should teach young boys these tips in school to spare them from heartbreak. LOL

    Stay safe, girl!

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