WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ON CHRISTMAS?

Over 2000 years since Jesus Christ’s birth, this Jewish girl declares that it's time to this big shindig of a birthday celebration right. Let's face it, Jesus was Jewish! Now, you know I’m not one to mix words. And I know this may be hard to absorb, but the bottom line is that Jesus would not eat ham on Christmas. So, why do you go all out in serving it - honey backed, mixed in with turkey, etc. etc.? You have it all wrong, people. Ham ain't kosher!


With all due respect, let me gently suggest that Christ might instead prefer Mary’s home cooked brisket.[1] There would be no dairy products with dinner either, since good Jews do not have milk and meat in the same meal. That also means bypassing eggnog. Jesus might rather enjoy a Manischevitz[2] spritzer (concord grape Manischevitz wine mixed with 7-up – Oy, such a treat!).

Furthermore, with deep concern for the environment, Christ would surely be appalled at the killing of countless pine trees, and the grotesque waste of electricity, both of which typify this season. He would instead relish in a birthday party more akin to, say, a bris[3]: a quick and painful ceremony followed by lots of food, 20-30 minutes of the hora[4], and the tireless receiving of sloppy kisses from the relatives.

When it came time for the caroling, Mary would lovingly tell Jesus to bundle up with lots of layers, because “Jesus honey, you’re going to catch pneumonia. It’s a bit nippy outside.” And in the midst of the singing, Jesus would exclaim, “Ma Zeh? [5] A turtle dove? French hens?”

Finally, exasperated and utterly perplexed, Christ would dart down the street to buddy Shmuel’s house. There, the gang would delight in raucous dreidel[6] games, delicious homemade potato latkes[7] doused in sour cream and apple sauce, and coin after coin of chocolate gelt.[8] “Aah,” Jesus would then sigh with contentment, “This is all very good.” 


But when Christ had not yet returned home hours later, Mother Mary would shout, "Oh God, I've lost our son!"


HAPPY HANUKAH AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[1] Brisket=Juicy, hearty, tender side of beef or veal that is best prepared as a pot roast by a loving Jewish mother.[2] Manischevitz=The maker of all products kosher, kosher for Passover, or items that could pass as such.[3] Bris=Circumcision. Details not provided herein.[4] Hora=Kicking, screaming, clapping, running in circles (i.e., the standard Jewish dance you’ve seen in the movies).[5] Ma Zeh=Hebrew for “What’s this?”[6] Dreidel=Spinning top game played on Hanukah.[7] Latkes=Potato pancakes; yummy good Hanukah food, best enjoyed with a sour cream-apple sauce combo.[8] Gelt=Money, coins, that are made of chocolate and thus have higher value than the real thing nowadays.