And I Wrote This Book.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ON CHRISTMAS?

Over 2000 years since Jesus Christ’s birth, this Jewish girl declares that it's time to this big shindig of a birthday celebration right. Let's face it, Jesus was Jewish! Now, you know I’m not one to mix words. And I know this may be hard to absorb, but the bottom line is that Jesus would not eat ham on Christmas. So, why do you go all out in serving it - honey backed, mixed in with turkey, etc. etc.? You have it all wrong, people. Ham ain't kosher!


With all due respect, let me gently suggest that Christ might instead prefer Mary’s home cooked brisket.[1] There would be no dairy products with dinner either, since good Jews do not have milk and meat in the same meal. That also means bypassing eggnog. Jesus might rather enjoy a Manischevitz[2] spritzer (concord grape Manischevitz wine mixed with 7-up – Oy, such a treat!).

Furthermore, with deep concern for the environment, Christ would surely be appalled at the killing of countless pine trees, and the grotesque waste of electricity, both of which typify this season. He would instead relish in a birthday party more akin to, say, a bris
[3]: a quick and painful ceremony followed by lots of food, 20-30 minutes of the hora[4], and the tireless receiving of sloppy kisses from the relatives.

When it came time for the caroling, Mary would lovingly tell Jesus to bundle up with lots of layers, because “Jesus honey, you’re going to catch pneumonia. It’s a bit nippy outside.” And in the midst of the singing, Jesus would exclaim, “Ma Zeh?
[5] A turtle dove? French hens?”

Finally, exasperated and utterly perplexed, Christ would dart down the street to buddy Shmuel’s house. There, the gang would delight in raucous dreidel
[6] games, delicious homemade potato latkes[7] doused in sour cream and apple sauce, and coin after coin of chocolate gelt.[8] “Aah,” Jesus would then sigh with contentment, “This is all very good.” 


But when Christ had not yet returned home hours later, Mother Mary would shout, "Oh God, I've lost our son!"


HAPPY HANUKAH AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[1] Brisket=Juicy, hearty, tender side of beef or veal that is best prepared as a pot roast by a loving Jewish mother.[2] Manischevitz=The maker of all products kosher, kosher for Passover, or items that could pass as such.[3] Bris=Circumcision. Details not provided herein.[4] Hora=Kicking, screaming, clapping, running in circles (i.e., the standard Jewish dance you’ve seen in the movies).[5] Ma Zeh=Hebrew for “What’s this?”[6] Dreidel=Spinning top game played on Hanukah.[7] Latkes=Potato pancakes; yummy good Hanukah food, best enjoyed with a sour cream-apple sauce combo.[8] Gelt=Money, coins, that are made of chocolate and thus have higher value than the real thing nowadays.

14 comments:

  1. I'm not having ham for Christmas, I don't have a tree, I won't have milk or eggnog either, and I love Concord grape wine. Hey, I didn't know I was Jewish!

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  2. Welcome to the tribe, Sarah. Isn't concord grape wine the best?! Strong stuff, though. Go easy. Happy holidays Sarah and Lisa!
    Robyn

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  3. Hi Robyn, thank you for commenting on my page! I loved this! I've just been reading through some of your old posts, and I love them!
    I've a passion for chocolate too, and we also get Concord Grape wine here in England! Strong stuff!
    Hope to chat again soon. Have a happy Holiday!

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  4. Hey hey Rawker,
    yeah but he would still ask for a play station three anyway

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  5. I don't know Bob, I think he'd want a Wii instead.
    Robyn

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  6. LOL - nice post - however, the meals of choice are based on personal preference, and not as a token of recognition of the Child Jesus, or his personal preferences.
    Anyway, to each his own. For my money, we should scrap the commercial "Xmas" do, and reserve it only for practicing Christians. Let's see the retail stores make their annual sales number then! Anyway, have a great festive season, whatever your persuasions!
    Salagatle!

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  7. This is pretty funny...especially for me as I celebrate Hanukkah and Xmas!

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  8. Exactly, Wreckless. Christmas has largely become about personal preferences vs the good will/self sacrifice, etc. of Jesus. Ian, I suggest toasting Christmas with a manischevitz sprintzer. They really are darn good!
    Warmth and cheers to all. Thanks for enjoying my blog!
    Robyn

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  9. I pioneered in bringing Chrismukkah to the UK in the early '90s, so I completely circumvent all holiday-season problems!

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

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  10. This was good! You should send it to a newspaper and see if they'll print it.

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  11. Haha yeah that really made me think about the origins of Santy Clause, the christmas tree, the ham, the presents, etc! Seriously, where did it all come from?!?

    PS: the food in your post looks reeeeeallly good...I think I'll go get a snack now!

    Happy holidays Robyn!

    Sarah-xxx-

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  12. Thanks Techno, Katie, and Sarah. Happy Chrismukkah or whatever you celebrate. Just enjoy good food (preferably chocolate) and some rest, I say!
    xo Robyn

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  13. Robyn, I have thoroughly enjoyed your posts. I don't visit your blog enough. Keep writing and reminding me of your wonderful creativity.

    I am going to make latkes one of these days while my mom is here- she loves them too :)
    Feliz Ano Nuevo mi amiga!!

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