And I Wrote This Book.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Top 10 Signs The Gal's Just Not That Into You

1) She excuses herself to go powder her nose for the next 10 years.
2) Curiously, every time you dial the number she gave you, a piercing FAX machine noise shatters your eardrums.
3) She says she hasn’t felt this way since she found out she’s allergic to clams.
4) She tells you your personality is tops.
5) She cancels a date to watch The Jerry Springer Show in syndication (alone).
6) She cancels a date to watch The Jerry Springer Show in syndication (with Jerry Springer).
7) She introduces you as her little cousin from Milwaukee.
8) She drop-kicks you across the room, shouting, “Get lost! My ex-boyfriend is here!”
9) She says, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
10) She says, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Toyota Conspiracy and I am Woman, The Sequel aka I am Woman and The Toyota Conspiracy, The Sequel

The precious little boxed bulb is extracted from my glove compartment with caution. I didn’t drop it at all. As a side note, I was not the one to take it out of the glove compartment. The girlfriend’s handy mechanic husband did. After all, I am good. I am woman. Hear me roar.

I peered intensely as he meticulously screwed it into its proper place. The lights worked again. It was a glorious moment in my formerly bleak existence. Am I good or what?

I drive off happily, able to see the road ahead, ever so peppy and accomplished.

I have a date the following evening. Could my life get any better? Well, yes, but I’m working on building suspense here. Bear with me. The date claimed to be tired, gave me a lukewarm peck and calling it a night before 9pm. But wait! I need not despair. He beckons me back, as I pull out of the parking space. He must have spontaneously realized how darn good I am. The man can’t possibly let me go so early. He wants to invite me in. I suppose I shouldn’t get my hopes up too much. He may just want a real kiss.

I open my window, nervous but excited about the prospects. He opens his mouth and informs: “Your light went on and flickered off. Just thought I should tell you.” “Thanks a lot dude. I’ll start writing a piece entitled 'Top 10 Signs The Dude's Just Not That Into You.' And I’ll get it fixed.” Disparaged and in-the-dark again, I take my debilitated car and ego home.

Another trip to Toyota next week. They don’t have the bulb and need to order it. Another trip to Toyota the following week. The Prius specialist relays, “We sold you the wrong bulb. There’s a price differential. This one costs $395.” Amidst gulps and tears (mine too), the Toyota mechanics install the proper bulb this time. At least, that’s what they told me again. This time they kindly cover the difference in price. After all, I am good.

The lights work. I’m not in the dark. Actually, I don’t dare ever turn the headlights on again, for fear of repeating this saga, especially the part with the date beckoning me back. Rather, I choose to remain in the dark. But if you close your eyes and listen carefully, dear reader, you might just hear me roar.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Top 10 Signs The Dude's Just Not That Into You

1) He doesn’t have time to see you again for another 4-3/4 months.
2) He ends the date at 8:30pm, to get some sleep (alone).
3) When you call, he tells you he’ll call back after finishing his soda.
4) In the heat of passion, he needs to stop to feed his cat.
5) When you return to the table, he’s still rambling about his miserable day at the office.
6) When the dinner bill comes, he pretends not to see it and then pushes it with his elbow to your side of the table.
7) When you start to move in for a peck, he points upwards and says, “Look over there! Hee hee, monkeys always look.”
8) When the lights go down in the movie theatre, he finally makes a move – but it’s with the person taking tickets at the door.
9) He claims he can’t kiss you because he might be coming down with juvenile diabetes.
10 ) He calls you Rachel instead of Robyn, I mean, any name other than your own.  

Note: Any similarities to the experiences endured by anyone named Rachel are strictly coincidental.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Robynisms, original quotes

Life is hard. Eat chocolate. Dance it off.

We live so many lifetimes in one lifetime.

Call me a realistic pessimist or don’t use your phone.

Unemployment is wasted on the unemployed.

Waking up is hard to do.

Don’t believe everything you say.

When in doubt, doubt.

All I can do is do all I can.

Keep faith, and faith will keep you.

Nothing’s black and white except a checkerboard, which is black and red.

Those who can't, preach.

Those who can, don't mention it.

The most disturbed people are too disturbed to admit that they are disturbed.

Boring is oftentimes and by far the best option.

The most superior life form is the child. Second is the cacao plant.

Life promotes humility. Death assures it.

Art is borne of broken rules.

You never know until you know and then you still don't know. You know?

Time flies, except in relation to writing.

-The above stem from the mind of this blogger/writer, Robyn Alana Engel