Friday, April 29, 2016

Zombiezoodoo, Z Grand Finale!

The Zombiezoodoo brings us to a zany closure, folks.
It's been one heckuva month.

Through it all, I still burn for Bernie, but that's not going nearly as well as it should.
Realistically, worst case scenario: First US Female President. That ain't bad and it's a lot better than the orange mofo with a fungus (and so many other fascinating things) on his head.

For bonus points: Can you find Caitlyn?

Martha brings it on home in her usual hefty, over-sexed, flat chested, wet-grungy-beaver manner. Arnie thinks that's great, sex tape rumors fly, and it's all gluten free!

Theme song for this A-Z Challenge: Orange Mofo With A Fungus on His Head



Thank you for making it to Z with me, my playful, brave sillies.
Love and sweet chocolate thoughts all around.
Take care of yourselves and kindly excuse me while I get some zzzzzzzzs.

Yesterday's News; Martha, Martha, Martha, A-Z Challenge


We've trumped the Trump with Yesterday's News and a Yucca Tree. It's the Yuckyesterdoo. Imagine a day when this orange mofo is Yesterday's News. What a glorious thought! In times like these, we need to hold tight to such glorious thoughts until they're realized.

Martha Stewart stumbles in, gripping a 3 foot tall glass of something non-virgin.
"High-oh! I'm Mar, Mar, Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! F*k Jan! I'm Marsha Stew, Stupor, and I like to get sloshed sometimes and th, then all the other times too. Times two. Get it? Yeppers, I gotta big, real big and long glass for ya. It's yer, year-shlong. I mean, it's y, yer Yearlong Yuletide Cheer. Put what you wantinit. I like to mix it up with Jack Black Daniel Boon Arnold P, P, Pomegranate 'cuz he da man of my dr, drinks. Waiter, gets me a taxi driver. A young hot dark one, fast! Martha collapses and no one cares to help."
 
"That's a yuge drink," Trump says. "We're gonna make the Muslims in Mexico pay. I'm smart. I'm really smart. All the women on my show wanted me. I understand. I'm handsome. I like women, oh yeah, I like women. The brown people are druggies and rapists. Some are good. They're my servants. Build a wall. I sued the NFL and won a dollar from it. They'll pay for it. I've been bankrupted four times but that was in the past. Sure, I cheated on all my wives. Can you blame me? Everyone wants me! You should see my tower! It's really tall! I got no problems with that. Yeah, you'll see. I like women." 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Trump Slammed by Xifaxan and Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit

Late breaking news: CNN just announced that Donald Trump's bowels are irritating and irritable, yet extremely liberal regarding movement in gender neutral bathrooms. When interviewed at a unisex urinal somewhere in DC, an anonymous source close to Trump stated this: "Trump has diarrhea and abdominal pain." Clearly, folks, the Donald is challenged by IBS-D, Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea. Thus, we've very generously slammed his head-top with Xifaxan for IBS-D, rifaximin 550 mg tablets.  Will this Xifaxandoodoodoo stop Trump from being a poo-poo head? We certainly hope so.  
Speaking of irritating bowels, Martha's back!
"I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her 'I'm so over Commoners' glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail, but -yes- a sheep and small camel were involved."

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Waverlywizwackyness, Martha's sexual fetishes, A-Z Challenge

When will it end? Why did I sign up? Why do I have so many wonderful followers when I'm such a wackadoodle? Why is Harry Potter wasting his charm and skills on Trump's head? He's cursing the Trump, we wish, want and will make it so. This WaverlyWizardoo will make things right where all orange evil is concerned. We're promised. And how can we not trust this Waverly Wizard? Look, even Trump is beginning to wonder if he shouldn't have purchased those golf bags on which he had these words engraved in gold: "President Trump, Dicktator of the Universe. I'm rich. I have billions. And I'm smart. I'm rilly smart." 
Wait, will Martha steal his thunder, or will she erupt some thunder of her own?

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort).
 

Monday, April 25, 2016

Volcaneckdoo, Trump and Martha - not again! A-Z Challenge

He's such an explosive hot-head, we thought it fitting to place this volcanic neck on Trump's scalp. It's called Shiprock, so he likes it. Trump figures it comes from the town of Bedrock and that he's now President of the Waterbuffalos.

"Mexicans are gonna pay for it," he says smugly. "Oh yeah, they'll pay. We're gonna make 'em. Hey, is Pebbles of legal age yet? Man, I have a thing for red heads with bones in their hair. Did I mention that if my daughter weren't my daughter I'd boink her? She's a sex-pot."
Robyn: You're a sick, sick, evil, twisted, racist, hateful, ignoramus, sir.
Trump: Hey, I like sex, and a man has his rights, whether or not he's married. I have no problems in that area. Believe me, I have no problems. But shut your trap little runt about the amus. That's not my thing, you pervert!

Robyn raises her longest finger as she notices a wet yet clean beaver, a special vacuum, and Martha Stewart's upper half. "Crap. So sorry, my friends."

"Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to clean up inside. You never know when you might have visitors. For that reason, I designed the Vaginal Vacuum. It's lightweight, easy to operate, and it bends with my intricate cobwebs, jolting speed bumps, and glaring road-blocks. Vacuum any time you like, day or night. You can purchase Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vac for  only $899. Batteries not included. Remember, a clean beaver always finds more wood."

Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Ushdoo, Martha's Umbrella, A-Z Challenge

Usher: Free me! Let my people go!
Robyn: Wh-wait? Usher, you celebrate Passover? That's hot!
Usher: I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am. I jus was tryin' to get my suitcase back from Trump Towers.
Robyn: Oh, sorry, dude. I didn't think you'd mind doing the Ushdoo. And Trump asked for one of those "Brown people" so he looks like he's not racist. And you're a cute one.

Usher, nodding: I know.

Trump:   Look, Usher, I told you 11 years ago I'd take care of it. Didn't I? I'm kinda busy, in case you didn't notice. I'm a very busy man. I'm a very smart man too. And I'm rich. I have billions of dollars. I'm very, very rich. I like Blacks and coloreds and some of the Mexicans are my servants. The others, though, they ruin our country. The Mexican Muslims are terrorists. Let's make America hate again! I mean, let's make America great again! And why'd you leave your suitcase at the reception area of a hotel with $100,000 of stuff in it? Are you mentally impotent? I'm very smart. And rich. I'm really rich...

On-line article dated 04/18/2005 AT 09:00 AM EDT
ROBBED: Usher claims a suitcase of his containing $100,000 worth of belongings was taken Friday from New York's Trump International Hotel by someone posing as a member of his posse, reports the New York Post, which also quotes Donald Trump as promising to make good on the loss. "I told him we'll get it solved," The Apprentice host said. Trump adds, referring to the missing article: "I'm trying to figure out why somebody would leave a bag at the front desk."

Martha: Did someone say "escort"? Oh, that was "Usher." Never mind. But look at me, folks. Ignore those two. I can't stand it when other people get attention.
 
"I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering.  The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know.  Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. *F*ck yeah!*"

Friday, April 22, 2016

Tybanksdoo, A-Z Challenge

In case you don't know her name, she pasted it to her chest before topping the Trump.  As you can see, the Tybanksdoo stands loud and proud, and it proves that Donald isn't a racist.

"Oh, I like coloreds, I do. I have some colored servants on my staff, I do. And women? Yeah, I like women. I have no issues with women, believe me. That's not a problem. Tyra can use any bathroom she wants! And so can that...thing, uh, below."

"Hey, I'm Marty Stewart. A mature woman needs hormonal balance, and that's why I've created Testosterone Marthrax. One magical tablet provides 300% of the daily dose of testosterone recommended by Arnold Schwarzenegger. *Belch* Excuse me. Martha grabs her crotch and continues. This amazing pill adds chest hair, a sportly unibrow, obsessive compulsive remote control fetishism, and the urge to boink anything that moves or stands still." Martha raises her arms in a victory "v".

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Skibunnydoo, Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series, and the A-Z Challenge

It appears as though a group of tan, vapid ski bunnies have taken to the bumps and cracks of Trump's thick, empty skull. Good for them, I suppose.

"Hey, ladies," Trump shouts upwards. "I like women. I really do. Why have that dweeb bachelor Ben, when you can have me? Oh, I know, I'm married. But I like to fool around. It's a man's right. You'll say 'Wow, Prezdint Trump, what a big high-rise you have!'" Trump raises his eyebrows, as the gal on the far right considers his proposition. 
Meanwhile, Martha has other plans...
"Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. Rumors have been swirling since the letter C, so I'm coming clean...or shall I say dirty? Macy's and I proudly present the Stewart Scandalous Sex Tape Series. Watch and learn as I engage in scandalous sex: alone on my sturdy chestnut brown dining room table; with a well endowed blow-up doll as we roll playfully through the apple orchards behind my New Haven Guest House; and alas, in sexy maid attire as I respond to Arnold Schwarzennegger's every request. This series teaches advanced sexual techniques and builds up to erotic, orgasmic sex play. It's simply spectacular. And so am I." Martha's face begins to convulse, as she attempts to smile at Trump and wink at bachelor Ben.
  

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

The Rosiedoo, A-Z Challenge

They hate each other, and Rosie's many faces eclipse the Trump's head with this newly infamous Rosiedoo. And you thought YOU were having a bad hair day?! Warning: Don't try this at home.
Learn more about this long-standing war. Note: I respect Rosie after watching this:

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Quirky Quorum of the GOP, A-Z Challenge

Trump's head balances a Quirky Quorum of Questionably Qualified Candidates-dadoodoo. In other words, the GOP panel (including those who dropped off) gathered for this glorious occasion.

Pictured below and on top of Trump, from left to right:
Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, and John Kasich.

We got a bit of a break, folks, but Martha's back, and the Queen ain't got no time for her nonsense.

Martha: When engaging in under-the-cover quickie quorums, I find it most useful to quell the antics with this quintessential quilted comforter. The earth toned, decorative stitchery includes fancy pillow cases with secret compartments in which to store insider trading secrets, handcuffs, hashish, a Nymph I Am User's Manual, KY Lubricant, and a stylish silver egg beater.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Trump's Pineappledoo, A-Z Challenge

Did you know that it takes nearly three years for a pineapple to reach maturation? We at Life by Chocolate figured it's worth a try (yeah, we're idealists who feel the Bern), so we slapped a big pineapple on Trump's head. We'll check on him in 2019 in hopes of finding a semblance of maturation.

"Oh I have no problems with size," Trump declares as he points up at the Pineappledoo. "Just ask any of the women from my show, and look at this. It's big. Oh yeah, it's big. You'll say, 'Wow, President Trump, how'd you grow it so big?' And the Muslims in Mexico are gonna pay for it too."


Music: Trump Song

Sunday, April 17, 2016

The Big Ofrodoo, A-Z Challenge

Could there be more wealth and ego in one post? When he first announced aspirations to run for Presidency years ago, Trump said "I'd like to have Oprah (as a running mate)." Imagine that ticket. I assume it'd look like this, The Big Ofrodoo:
While Oprah hasn't announced her desire to be Trump's mate, they do have a long history, and she's had him a number of times (on her show). 

"I'll get the Black Afro vote for sure, with Oprah," he boasted. "I'd get the Southamptons and those other Southern states. Oh, I will with the Trump-Winfrey ticket. Oh you'll see. We'll win big! We'll win really, really big, with Oprah on my ballot. You'll say 'President Trump, how'd you get such a big win?' I'll say, 'I had the Big Ofrodoo.' You'll see."

http://static.oprah.com/2016/03/201603-tows-2-949x534.jpg
A young Trump eyes Oprah's bosoms.

As usual, Martha steals the spotlight with a smaller, almost unidentifiable Oprah.
I couldn't think of any sexual experiences starting with "O", so I crafted the Oprah Organizer. This delightful organizer comes with compartments of various sizes and colors. As a bonus, a mini-Oprah doll is attached. You can pad her clothes to watch her enlarge instantly like the real thing. Plus the compartments make for handy storage space for precious items like diamond earrings, insider trading secrets, KY Lubricant, and hashish. Some people think I'm a White racist elite *bleep.* This Oprah Organizer proves them wrong. Why would a bigot create a product with a miniature -- what's the term? -- Aphrodisian Americano?

Take care, my friends.
Keep laughing - it's the only way.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Nine Nice 'n Naughty Nincompoops (and one hot cowboy), A-Z Challenge

He's been bragging about size, people. So I told him, I said, "Look dude, if it's that big, Nine Nice and Naughty Nincompoops are going to have some fun on your head."

"I've no problems with size," Trump said. "You'll see. You'll say 'President Trump,' you're gonna say. 'You have no problems with size. Your head is so huge.' You'll see. 'President Trump,' you'll say, 'We can't believe how big you are. The Muslims in Mexico will pay for it too! I'm gonna make 'em do it!"
As needy as she is naughty, Martha had to return:

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. I've longed for my days at the stony lonesome. You see, Big Bertha was in the cell next to mine. What's more - Martha fans herself - a very Naughty Prison Guard took charge and covered me from time to time, when I slipped him a few thousand dollars. My hot and Naughty Prison Guard really worked the circuit - if you know what I mean. *Wink.*

Sorry again. Never again, folks. Let's hope.
Keep a smile.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

MeandBerndoo, A-Z

First, be it known that I think Bernie and Jane Sanders are a wonderful, powerful, intelligent, enlightened, warm-loving couple. And infidelity is wrong. Be it also known that I burn for Bernie. He graciously agreed to join me on Trump's head for the MeandBerndoo. This way, with Trump getting undue air-time, we'd get some too.

Hillary was peeved. "Listen," she lectured, "President Obama never would have done anything like that. I'm not a racist. I believe in stricter gun control because it's a scary world that we live in. I need to win really, really big in New York. I'll pay you and George Clooney $65,000 to vote for me..."
 
Fortunately, Martha Stewart, now oddly resembling a younger, less repressed Hillary, interrupted with last year's M post.
Hello, I'm Martha Stewart, and I like a man who's well endowed. So this --Martha raises her index and middle fingers then curls them over, making air quotation marks-- "Member" Maximizer can really come in handy. I found it on craigslist and made a bunch of them. I then added my name carefully near the head of each Maximizer using a black Sharpie. This Martha Stewart Member Maximizer is lubricant friendly, enhances girth, makes for extra firmness, and adds an entire inch in length.
  Oy vey, my friends. So sorry. The good news, though, is that we're halfway there. M is mid-alphabet. The bad news, though, is that we're halfway there. M is mid-alphabet.

Keep a smile.

The Lowlylohandoublechindoo, A-Z Challenge

Crap! We hardly recognized her when she stomped into the studio. She's grown a chin or two, and the bright sun glasses block from view her bloodshot eyes.

Lindsay said she's "f*n sick and tired of that f*n Katy Pair-of-Jugs b*tch getting so much air time."

Katy looked at her and shouted, "Roar!" then ran away.

Lohan believes she once again found a place in this world (as a substitute for Trump's hair).

We think Trump likes this Lowlylohandoublechindoo better than the Katydoo. Perhaps that's because Trump and Lohan have the same values: none.
As if the fashion blasphemy of today's post wasn't enough, Lord save us all! Martha is back again  - trying to seduce Trump and sell some Lopez sh*t. Sorry folks.
"Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. A woman has needs, so I thought I'd try the Lopez look. I designed her dress, wore it, and then hung out (in more ways than one) with Meryl Streep to complain about how unfairly paid women are. It was a splendid time. Now, I'm going in search of a good *bleep.* Oh, I partnered with Walmart to promote the Lopez Lookalike Line. You can buy one of these dresses for $1 million.Ta ta! Or should I say 'Ta tas!'?" Martha attempts a smile, we think.

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate deeply regrets this Ludicrous & Lowly post. We would like to promise that it won't happen again, but some things are out of our control. Please forgive us.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Katydoo, A-Z Challenge


As Hillary ponders WWBD? WWBD? (What would Bernie do? Repeat.), her most enthusiastic cheerleader, Katy Perry, decides to gain attention by jumping atop Trump's head. Boasting an H on her left boob and with her hair tucked into a trendy patriotic flag turbin, Katy shouts "Let's go Hillary! Roar! Roar! Ya'all need to vote for her! Roar!"

Hillary begins to wonder about Katy's intellect (that is, whether or not Katy has any intellect).

Trump considers how he can see what's going on up there, because he really likes women. "They say I hate women," he barks, grabbing his crotch. "I like women, believe me. I have no problems with women, except that cow Rosie O'Donnell."

Strange times, indeed.
This ensemble is the Katydoo.
Music: I Kissed A Girl ~ Parody. Note: Our cast and crew suspect that Trump is disguised as the old woman in this video.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Jaggerdoo Jamboree, A-Z Challenge

It's getting stranger and stranger around here. For one, Trump's boasting a Jaggerdoo.
And Martha's so excited by the Jaggerdoo, she brought her Redneck buddies for a raucous co-ed clothing optional down 'n dirty mud-wrestling Jamboree.


Recommended side dish for this J compilation: Barbecued Tongue  
Music: Moves Like Jabba

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Ivanadoo, A-Z Challenge

Next up: the Ivanadoo.
The Ivanadoo is Trump's attempt to combine his disturbing orange mofo presence with a slick, sexy appeal. It appears Trump's servants are jealous that they weren't chosen for this doo. I told 'em: "Look, chicks, he needed some sex-appeal and intellect up there, and while she ain't Eleanor Roosevelt or Whoopi Goldberg, she did divorce him long ago. She's at least a little bit smart. And she's fairly hot too." They cried to their limo driver, who happily escorted them to his chambers.

Oh no, not again! F*k!!! SO SORRY!! Dangit, Martha, I told you to get lost! She's back again. I can't seem to keep her away.  Forgive me, friends. Please!
I'm Martha Stewart, and my attempts to get *bleep'd* haven't worked. So I've taken matters into my own hands. I bought something at Nymph I Am, signed it with my name, and priced it fairly reasonably. This pretty pink glow-in-the-dark -- Martha holds up her index and third fingers, then curls them over to form quotation marks -- "massager" acts as an Instant Invigoration Item. The shaft is flexible and bends with the contours of your vaginal canal. Best yet, you can adjust the speed for a comforting, soothing evening alone or a rough night of sock-it-to-me sex for one. Either way, you'll glow with pleasure for hours. And you'll have me to thank. *Wink.*

Friday, April 8, 2016

Hillfrodoo and Return of the Heffer, A-Z Challenge

Alas, Hillary is atop Trump in this colorful, full and half-bodied, layered Hillfrodoo.

"I know what you're doing up there, and that's just disgusting!" he grunts.

A puzzled expression crosses Hillary's face as she thinks: WWBS? (i.e., What Would Bernie Say?)

Oh no, good Lord, I'm so sorry, friends! I couldn't stop her. She's too hefty. I told you to stay away forever, Martha! I always suspected you had a thing for Trump, but the Hillfrodoo version? And coming back from last year's H post - you're truly desperate lady! Please, please forgive me, friends. 

Martha winks at Trump, oblivious to his Hillfrodoo, then turns to the camera and advertises last year's H: "The Hefty Heffer Hideaway is quite helpful for transporting various items. Simply lift up rolls of fat, carefully, and one by one. Next,  place salad bowls, insider trade secrets, the Cuisinart, and handcuffs. It's a resourceful method for maximizing the Hefty Heffer Hideaway. As far as what you can fit between your legs, well --Martha blushes and winks again at Trump-- I'll let you figure that one out."