And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Rebooting, Computer and Sexual Woes, Woman on the Verge of Paradise

Happy June, Dear Sillies.

I'm not quite ready for June. Are you? I guess we didn't get a vote.

Anyway, lately, this passage from my to-be-released-this-summer book, Woman on the Verge of Paradise, has been running through my head. My computers (new laptop and old desktop) have gone to war against me, and they're winning. So please excuse my limited presence in blogland over the next few weeks.

In the meantime, here's a bit from one of my final chapters, Rebooting. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you CAN'T relate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Computer problems induce in me feelings of utter incompetence and stupidity. I also tend to liken these glitches with my existence, if only for the sake of silliness. For example:

  • Problems with the hard drive mean I’ll never find a man who can have an erection.
  • Software issues = same as above.
  • Problems with memory = Alzheimer’s inevitability.
  •  Viruses= I’ll get STDs without having had sex. 
  • Browser snafus = Vision problems. I’ll go blind. Too much masturbation.
  • Rebooting issues = Full-proof strategies that work for everyone else in the world won’t help me, because I’m incredibly incompetent and unlucky in every way. I’ll never connect with anything or anyone worthy for any length of time before losing everything and everyone worthy of any of my time. To make matters worse, I can’t even successfully give-up and shut-down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be well.

Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Wherein I Eat Chocolate Covered Insects and 700 Thanks!!

As a very warped way of thanking you for bringing me to 700+ followers, dear sillies, I dared myself to eat chocolate covered insects.
How did that go? Let's watch...
First, I made the bugs look pretty.
Next, I had a lemon chaser. Then, I pushed a white chocolate covered critter into my mouth. I chewed. "Not bad. I like white chocolate! This is good and a little crunchy, like Twix," I thought.

But as I put a milk chocolate covered critter in my mouth, I realized what I was eating.
Despite feeling ill, I pretended everything was fine.
And after eating four out of six of the critters, I'd had enough.
The end result

In summary, if you chose to eat chocolate covered bugs, don't think about what you're eating. Don't examine the little antennae and miniature body parts. It'll taste fine. But if you do think about the specifics, you'll fare poorly. 

I suppose for the novelty factor, I'll give these chocolate covered insects a two on a scale of one to ten. But I do thank you for following and beg you not to drop off. I promise never to pull this stunt again.

Be well, and enjoy the week.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Starring You! Martha Stewart Returns!

Dear Sillies,
She insisted, so I let Martha Stewart visit again. I'm sorry. She's a stubborn one, with an odd display of hairlessness mid-chest. Did you notice? What a weirdo!
We're well into May, I realize, yet I have one final batch of your hilarious comments from April's Martha Stewart madness. Please enjoy:


JoJo said I don't get the fancy panties thing....I just cannot stand wedgies. I'll take my white cotton grannie panties with full coverage and no riding up any day. 
 Al Penwasser said Dare I say..."yule log?"

Elizabeth Seckman said She probably does it on a doily.

JoJo said What in the Sam freakin Hill is in that glass? 

 Empty Nest Insider said Poor Jan Brady. Did she get her braces off yet?
Birgit said I think most men would need a few if they had to get biblical with Martha.
 Jeremy Hawkins said Writing the music for this fantasy porn...as we speak. it's got a lot of chica-bow-wows in it... ;)

Michael G D'Agostino said 582 DOLLARS FOR UNDERWEAR?? It had better come with a "Get laid or twice your money back" guarantee!

Dixie@dcrelief said ..."a sportly unibrow..." Somewhere in a distant forest a sloth is puking.
 
Pat Hatt said That is one tunnel of love from which you'll never return whole. 
 Jacquelineand....said Next thing you know, she'll be selling bronzed pubic hairs...

Robin said I imagine she needed the KY Lubricant for the egg beater, no?
Stephen Hayes said What? You mean everyone doesn't have an egg beater in their bed?
Alex J. Cavanaugh said I think she still has issues.




Sunday, May 17, 2015

May Pole Erotica and Eating Bugs!

I was moved that you care so much as to NOT want me to eat bugs. Then my (former) buddy, Michael, guessed that there's only 1 gram of protein in those chocolate covered critters. Michael's right! It's a myth, folks, that insects are full of protein. Michael, would you please send over the little barf bucket that you set next to Matt when he ate cat-food? I'll post photos when I get up the courage and appetite to eat chocolate covered insects. For now, here's a bit of May Pole Erotica. And I still love you all, even Michael.

































Have an upstanding new week!
Smiles.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A Threat to Eat Bugs, More of Your Comments, Goobye George!

I'll start with a bit of sadness. George and I made it to one week short of six months. He's a good man, and I miss him...his nice warm hands, delicious home made meals, and easy bed-side manner. Wink. But we kept hitting the same communication road-blocks, so I said "goodbye" last month. We ended with a hug and no hard feelings. It's back to celibacy, and onto more fun stuff...
~~~
More of YOUR BEST COMMENTS from my A-Z Challenge

Elephant's Child said After this challenge is over I am going to need to take a cheese-grater to my brain in an effort to eradicate some images.
 
Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said How many pairs of Spanx did it take to squeeze Martha's belly and butt into JLo's dress?

 Ruth said At Walmart? If you had a million dollars would you shop at Walmart?
 
Stephen Hayes said I've little doubt that Martha has her own balls and can strap this device to them.

Michael G D'Agostino said If my prison guard looked like that, I'd have a sex scandal with him...

Jeremy Hawkins said come on who hasn't found love with a prison guard, wait I have said too much..

CWMartin said She doesn't know a sexual experience starting with "o"?...Guess she won't be needing those knee pads...
---
There are many more, my sillies, but we're onto a new topic...WOOHOO!! I MADE 700+ FOLLOWERS!!! I should thank Martie, but why? Thank YOU, every one of you! In celebration, I'm going to eat bugs -- chocolate covered ones. I'll post photos of this undertaking, and I'll review the dead chocolate covered insects too. There's a catch. I'll only do this if someone guesses the correct answer to the question below. No research or phoning a friend allowed.
This box contains 14g (one serving) of chocolate covered insects. How many grams of protein does it have? Insert Jeopardy music...

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Chico Broke the World Record! Small Town, Huge Spirit

While bloggers plowed through April's A-Z Challenge, my hometown of Chico, California accomplished something epic. The endeavor united kids, seniors, hippies; the rich and poor; bar-stool warmers and bar-dodgers (like me)...every niche of the community. Crowds swarmed Chico’s Country Western-style bar and grill, the Tackle Box. The Internet lit up with North State news, and national attention ensued.

Why? Because Chico squelched a Guinness World Record! Between April 1 and May 5, 2015 (thereupon dubbed “Chico de Mayo”), Chico was home to the world’s longest, non-stop, live multi-artist concert -- more than doubling the last world record. 


       The defcats 

It all started when local musician Julian Ruck decided to spotlight Chico’s treasure trove of musical talent, and to shine light on artists everywhere. Fueled by the same vision, Julian’s buddy, Fox E. Jeff (aka Foxy Jeff), produced a Rockumentary, “I Play in Chico.”

Much earlier and with no more than a backpack on-hand, Emily Rose had settled into Chico. She caught wind of Julian’s vision, and quickly found herself a Co-Chair of “Chico Breaks the Record.” This, while her book, Break Your Bad Love Habits, became a number one bestseller in that category.

Guinness rules are rigid too. Musicians aren’t allowed more than 25 seconds between songs, performers could not exceed five minutes for set-up between acts, 10+ people were required for the audience at all times, and much more.

But the core volunteer group made sure to keep it going, day and night, past 15 days, then for the entire month of April, then onto “Chico de Mayo” for a raucous grand finale.
smashing records
Chico may be small; but its generous spirit and raw talent, enormous. I’ve been friendly with many who put their lives on-hold throughout this endeavor. I know firsthand that their humility and kindness match their off-the-charts musical skills.

“You’re a hero,” I told Julian Ruck, about halfway through April.

“We’re all winners!” he responded, imparting a gracious hug and beaming smile.

In the end, it feels insufficient to simply write “Thank you” to Julian Ruck, Emily Rose, Foxy Jeff, the Tackle Box (host venue), the Maker’s Mile (host band), and so many others whose hearts and spunk have brought recognition to artists everywhere. Sometimes, words aren’t enough.

We are all winners, indeed -- every creative who dares to dream.

This world-class duo serves as proof.
Have a great week, and know that anything is possible.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Arnold Schwarzenegger Visits Our Studio: IWSG


I'm zapped, and I've so much to update you on. But it's time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, founded by our Alex. The idea is a good, kindhearted one. We're here to support each other and discuss writer insecurities.

Laughter (at mean, stupid, filthy rich, and arrogant people's expense) is the answer for most all of life's problems, so I invited one of the biggest *bleep*s around. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold strolls proudly onto the stage wearing a white collar shirt, red tie, and business jacket, in combination with a bright blue Speedo. Stagehand Macaulay Culkin blasts the song "You're so vain." Martha Stewart suddenly appears, winks at Arnold, slowly unbuttons the top of her pastel pink cotton shirt, then disappears. Arnold gives Martha a thumb's-up. The camera shifts to the audience of one. She's sticking her tongue out. Then she sticks out what appears to be a boney, naked butt, and then her longest finger. "You were supposed to be my *bleep*n father-in-law!" she shouts. Arnold's unaffected by Miley's presence.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Picture 80 www.showbiz.com
He looks around but can't see Robyn. She's 4'8" and he's a big *bleep,* so he addresses the audience. But there's no audience now (Miley ran out to chase after her ex-fiance, Liam Hemsworth). Arnie doesn't seem to realize nobody's listening. He spews a bunch of actual quotes (www,brainyquote.com):


I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
You have to remember something. Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn.
Marijuana...that's not a drug, that's a plant.
I was going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Martha Stewart bursts through the curtains and back onto the stage, imparting a "Come hither and check out my nether regions" expression. Arnold sees her, then turns towards the (non) audience. "I'll be back," he announces, as he follows Martha off-stage and into her dressing room. 

Just when you thought the weirdness was over, it started back up again. I'm very sorry, but it's Arnie's fault this time. And Martha's - as usual. Plus Macaulay tossed in his typical worthlessness. Oy vey, they keep coming back.

Have a good one.
Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.  

Monday, May 4, 2015

Martha Stewart: How Can We Miss Her if She Won't Leave? And YOUR BEST COMMENTS!


It's not enough to survive the A-Z Challenge, we're supposed to write some sort of insightful reflection post. Thus, in retrospect, I've brought Martha back to display her Hefty Heffer Hideaway, as a reminder of where she hides a Cuisinart, handcuffs, salad bowl, and insider trade secrets. That's as insightful as it got around here. I'll add that I couldn't stop laughing throughout April. Thank you for that, and I'm sorry for the nausea. It's Martie's fault. But your comments were over-the-top hilarious. Here are some of my favorites: 

Birgit said She could also get that fat taken off and use the lard for a new pie recipe.
 
Elephant's Child said I wonder how much she will charge for the limited edition, pink, sparkly, glow in the dark, autographed, musical (plays money, money, money) version?


Ruth said  You know, that massager shares a remarkable resemblance to the shape of Mrs. Butterworth.

Rhonda Albom  said Oh my, silly women, that's not where handcuffs go. 

Stephen Hayes said Thanks, Martha, for marketing something likely to put me out of business!

Anthony J. Langford said For 700 bucks you'd want it to call you darlin and make your breakfast.


Jacqueline said What she really needs is a fanny fluffer, still won't get her a *bleep* though. AND Now I'm thinking of a Stewie and Heffner pairing. Thank goodness they're past the breeding years; the excess of vapidity would produce a black hole of a baby...

Al Penwasser said Immature men enjoy a *bleep* now and then, too. AND The Lord helps those who help themselves. In other words, I get better when I practice.

Mitchell is Moving said Bette Midler once talked about tucking a Smith-Corona typewriter under her boobs. Ah, for the good old days!

JoJo said Those are some bodacious tatas.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said Sorry Martha, not even if you were the last *bleeping* woman on earth...
 

Jeff Bushman and She could probably modify that thing's power source by connecting it to a weed whip engine. At least then it would match the speed of her mouth!

 Jeremy Hawkins said What is going on here... I am feeling a little wrong? It might just be me...

TO BE CONTINUED...MARTHA ALWAYS RETURNS. MY APOLOGIES CONTINUE TOO. HAVE A NICE WEEK, and HAPPY MAY!