And I Wrote This Book.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package: Oy Vey, It's Finally Over!!

Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and what a month it's been. Let's take a look back. Shall we? You've seen my Hefty Heffer Hideaway, with enough flappy fat in which to stash a Cuisinart. You caught glimpses from my scandalous sex tape series. I sported my very manly chest, then belched and grabbed my crotch, when on Testosterone. I cleaned up inside with the handy dandy Vaginal Vac. Don't forget that a clean beaver always gets more wood. Last night, some Yearlong Yuletide cheer did me in. Best of all, Arnold thinks it's great. And so do you. Admit it. I'll sell it all to you -- the whole alphabet's worth of items combined in this lovely Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package -- for $70 million. Just buy it. You know you want to. *Wink.* Is this *bleep'n* thing finally over? *Bleep* That little *bleep* who runs this blog. She's a sick *bleep*! Oh, hi. I didn't know the cameras were still rolling. Tootles!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Martha Stewart's Yearlong Yuletide Cheer: A-Z Challenge

Martha Stewart stumbles in, gripping a 3 foot tall glass of something we can only assume is non-virgin. High-oh! I'm Mar, Mar, Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! F*k Jan! I'm Marsha Stew, Stupor, and I like to get sloshed sometimes and th, then all the other times too. Times two. Get it? Yeppers, I gotta big, real big and long glass for ya. It's yer, year-shlong. I mean, it's y, yer Yearlong Yuletide Cheer. Put what you wantinit. I like to mix it up with Jack Black Daniel Boon Arnold P, P, Pomegranate 'cuz he da man of my dr, drinks. Waiter, gets me a taxi driver. A young hot dark one, fast! Martha collapses and no one cares to help. 


Monday, April 27, 2015

Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed old *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her "I'm so over Commoners" glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail. Let your fantasies take over from here.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights: A-Z'ing

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort). Gently dab the wipe onto the stain or penile head, and - viola! - the wet mess dries up immediately, and you're ready for your next house-guest. These wipes are conveniently wafer-thin, soft and delicate. You might think they're like other cleaning inventions. But these ones include a Martha Stewart label, and they're on sale at Macy's or Nymph I am for $300 per box.  Clean up your act and make the purchase. You'll be glad you did. Tootles!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vacuum: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to clean up inside. You never know when you might have visitors. For that reason, I designed the Vaginal Vacuum. It's lightweight, easy to operate, and it bends with my intricate cobwebs, jolting speed bumps, and glaring road-blocks. Vacuum any time you like, day or night. You can purchase Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vac for  only $899. Batteries not included. Remember, a clean beaver always finds more wood. Tootles!


Thursday, April 23, 2015

Martha Stewart's Umbrella Hair Collector: A-Z Challenge

Hi. I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering.  The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know.  Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. Tootles!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Marty Stewart on Testosterone: A-Z Challenge

Hey, I'm Marty Stewart. A mature woman needs hormonal balance, and that's why I've created Testosterone Marthrax. One magical tablet provides 300% of the daily dose of testosterone recommended by Arnold Schwarzenegger. *Belch* Excuse me. Martha grabs her crotch and continues. This amazing pill adds chest hair, a sportly unibrow, obsessive compulsive remote control fetishism, and the urge to boink anything that moves or stands still. Martha raises her arms in a victory "v". Yo! Catch ya later.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series: A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. Rumors have been swirling since the letter C, so I'm coming clean...or shall I say dirty? Martha's face begins convulsing. She's either having a seizure or attempting a smile. Macy's and I proudly present Martha Stewart's Scandalous Sex Tape Series. Watch and learn as I engage in scandalous sex: alone on my sturdy chestnut brown dining room table; with a well endowed blow-up doll as we roll playfully through the apple orchards behind my New Haven Guest House; and alas, in sexy maid attire as I respond to Arnold Schwarzennegger's every request. This series teaches advanced sexual techniques and builds up to erotic, orgasmic sex play. It's simply spectacular. Martha's face begins convulsing again.

Martha Stewart's Racy Red Raunchy Regale Reveals Third Hand: A-Z Challenge

Sometimes I like to sex it up with Martha Stewart's Racy Red Raunchy Regale that Reveals a third hand protrusion from the right breast (which is actually my left breast, but "right" starts with r, and it's on the right side from your vantage point). I like to spend a quiet afternoon dressed as so-- twerking, thrusting, and gyrating while tossing a nice fresh garden salad and manipulating a hand-held egg-beater. This regale costume comes with the third hand protrusion for no extra fee. It's really quite a bargain at $6969. Ta ta and tootles!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Martha's Stewart's Quilt for Quickies: A-Z Challenge

Today's Q post features the Quintessential Quilt for Quelling Quickie Quorums.When engaging in under-the-cover quickie quorums, I find it most useful to quell the antics with this quintessential quilted comforter. The earth toned, decorative stitchery includes fancy pillow cases with secret compartments in which to store insider trading secrets, handcuffs, hashish, a Nymph I Am User's Manual, KY Lubricant, and a stylish silver egg beater. This quilt is stained --Martha's face turns pink and she attempts a giggle-- so I'm not selling it. Ta ta!

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Martha Stewart's Pretty Pastel Panties for Penile Preparation (and Perhaps Penetration): A-Z Challenge

I'm trying something a bit daring for the weekend. It's Martha Stewart's Pretty Pastel Panties and Bra for Penile Preparation (and perhaps penetration). Pastels are perfect for pleasant spring days, or a good *bleep*. You too can "prepare the penis" --if you know what I mean-- *wink* by wearing  the pretty pastel panties and bra by Martha Stewart for just $582 per perfect pair. Find it at Macy's, Walmart, or Nymph I Am. Have a pleasureable weekend. Tootles!


Thursday, April 16, 2015

Martha Stewart's Oprah Organizer: A-Z Challenge

Well, I couldn't think of any sexual experiences starting with "O", so I crafted a more innocent item. It's the Oprah Organizer. This delightful organizer comes with compartments of various sizes and colors. As a bonus, a mini-Oprah doll is attached. You can pad her clothes to watch her enlarge instantly like the real thing. Plus the compartments make for handy storage space for precious items like diamond earrings, insider trading secrets, KY Lubricant, and hashish. Some people think I'm a White racist elite *bleep.* This Oprah Organizer proves them wrong. Why would a bigot create a product with a miniature -- what's the term? -- brown American Afro? I like diversification. Tootles!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Martha Stewart's Naughty Prison Guard: A-Z Challenge

 
Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. As of late, I've longed for my days at the stony lonesome. You see, Big Bertha was in the cell next to mine. What's more - Martha fans herself - a very Naughty Prison Guard took charge and covered me from time to time, when I slipped him a few thousand dollars. My hot and Naughty Prison Guard really worked the circuit - if you know what I mean. *Wink.* I have nothing to sell you today. I simply wish to honor all Naughty Prison Guards, and I hope they keep it up...until I get there again. Tootles!
 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Martha Stewart's Member Maximizer: A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart, and I like a man who's well endowed. So this --Martha raises her index and middle fingers then curls them over, making air quotation marks-- "Member" Maximizer can really come in handy. I found it on craigslist and made a bunch of them. I then added my name carefully near the head of each Maximizer using a black Sharpie. This Martha Stewart Member Maximizer is lubricant friendly, enhances girth, makes for extra firmness, and adds an entire inch in length. And it fits snuggly around the testicles. Now, if I can just find somebody with a penis. Any volunteers?


Monday, April 13, 2015

Martha Stewart's Lopez Look-alike Line: A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. A woman has needs, so I thought I'd try the J Lo look. I designed her dress, wore it, and then hung out (in more ways than one) with Meryl Streep to complain about how unfairly paid women are. It was a splendid time. Now, I'm going in search of a good *bleep.* Oh, I partnered with Walmart to promote the J Lo Look-Alike Line. You can buy one of these dresses for $1 million.Ta ta! Or should I say "Ta tas!"? Martha attempts a smile, we think.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Martha Stewart's Kitchen Kartrashwaste Keeper, A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart, and I've grown tired of shouting at my servants to take yet another load of trash to the neighbor's yard at night. So I created this Kitchen Kartrashwaste Keeper (by purchasing Glad XXL bags and writing "Martha Stewart's Kitchen Kartrashwaste Keeper" over "Glad" with a Sharpie). This bag holds a lot of waste, as you can see. I only have to tell the servants to take one load out ever day or two. It's quite economical. And I'll sell you a box of 14 of them for just $72. But --Martha attempts humor and a flirtatious smile-- you don't get to keep me. Tootles!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Martha Stewart's Jeep Jamboree, A-Z Continues Jammin'

Yeah, this is me. Some people don't think I'm okay gettin' dirt on me and having a good time. But here I am at a good ole fashioned Jeep Jamboree with my friends of the lower ranks of humanity. They said I could join in, after I paid them a mere $250,000 cover fee to Jam with the best of this Jeep Jamboree. I then marinated a nice savory sauce with just a smidgen of jalapeno for added kick, to top off well boiled chicken guts and rabbit livers. 'Yahoo' and 'Yeehaw' and 'Kiss my nether regions'! and well all that sort of stuff. --Martha scans the scene.-- Now how do I get the *bleep* away from these *bleep-ers*?!

Friday, April 10, 2015

Martha Stewart's Instant Invigoration Item, A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and my attempts to get *bleep'd* haven't worked. So I've taken matters into my own hands. I bought something at Nymph I Am, signed it with my name, and priced it fairly reasonably. This pretty pink glow-in-the-dark -- Martha holds up her index and third fingers, then curls them over to form quotation marks -- "massager" acts as an instant invigoration item. The shaft is flexible and bends with the contours of your vaginal canal. Best yet, you can adjust the speed for a comforting, soothing evening alone or a rough night of sock-it-to-me sex for one. Either way, you'll glow with pleasure for hours. And you'll have me to thank. *Wink.*

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Martha Stewart's Hefty Heffer Hideaway: A-Z Challenge

Hello. I'm Martha Stewart. If you're --Martha clears her throat-- mature like me, you might have noticed that rolls of lard tend to readily accumulate around the mid-section, just above the nether regions. However, there's no need to worry. I've put them to good use, and so can you.
The Hefty Heffer Hideaway is quite helpful for transporting various items. Simply lift up rolls of fat, carefully, and one by one. Next,  place salad bowls, insider trade secrets, the Cuisinart, and handcuffs. It's a resourceful method for maximizing the Hefty Heffer Hideaway. As far as what you can fit between your legs, well --Martha blushes-- I'll let you figure that one out. Tootles.


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Martha Stewart's Get Out of Jail Now Card: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I'm here to offer my Get Out of Jail Now Card. For only $70 Million, I'll sell you one. It's a VISA card worth $60 Million. You simply offer it to the Judge, IRS, Prosecuting Attorney, Prison Guard, or whomever tickles your fancy or nether regions. You'll quickly find yourself free from criminal prosecution and able to get back to fluffing your pillows and sharing trade secrets. Works like a charm. Now if you'll excuse me, my dogs are getting restless. Tootles.

Martha Stewart's Fake Furry Friend, A-Z Challenge

Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. (Note: She has an after-sex glow.) Here's a photo from last night of me and my fake furry friend. It's no secret that I love dogs. They love me too...in all the right ways. I sleep with my dogs, and I truly enjoy their warm, rugged hairs brushing up against my supple skin. Sometimes, too, they lick and nibble my nether regions. It feels quite nice. One drawback, however, is that the live ones sh*t and piss all over my bed-sheets. With the fake furry friend, you don't have to deal with that sh*t or piss. Plus, he has a fake tongue and fake teeth, so you can position him as you please and he'll stay there all night long. *Pleasurable sigh.* I'm not selling this product, and the story of how I conceived of him involves bestiality, so it's a story for another time. I'm going back to bed. Goodbye.