And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Pre-Pubescent Machismo

 Dear Sillies,
   I hope your week is going well. I posted this nearly six years ago. I got exactly zero comments, no more and no less. [That was before I met Alex and the rest of you.]
   This post reminds me of my friend, Al Penwasser. Not sure why. But I hope you like it. 
   Be well, and keep a smile. 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 “Duh!” 
“As if!” 
“Loser!” 
 
Their tongues hanging out of their mouths, freckle sprinkled cheeks, jagged bangs, eyes poised to express control, a mad crush on Suzie Jay, and an ounce of testosterone between them, they ran the show. They had it all. Rulers of the universe and buds for a lifetime.
 
They hit the playground, yanking the pink velvet ribbon from Betsy’s hair. Her long red braid unraveled by the time they invaded the dodge ball game across the yard. Betsy flopped onto the black top, screaming for her daddy, the Principal. He dashed out to console her, but was never able to pin down those nasty culprits.
 
Life could not get sweeter! Those were the days to diss the teacher, aim a paper airplane at her butt when she turned to write on the chalkboard, switch names for the substitutes, compete in belching contests during the Pledge of Allegiance, give the class nerd a Melvin or Nelson or Wedgie or whatever those boogers called it when they pulled the poor soul’s underwear so tight above his head that it cut off all blood circulation and he could barely breathe.
  
It was time to get real. When you stepped on a crack, you broke your mama’s back. When you stepped on a line, you were Frankenstein. Your best buddy told you to “Look over there.” When you turned your head, he said smugly, “Monkeys always look!”
 
Good times! You cut the cheese to clear the room. You’d make crank calls to the grocery store manager and ask, “Do you have pigs' feet?...Then how can you walk?” Mom said, “Don’t stick your tongue out like that, it’ll stay that way. You’ll go blind if you cross your eyes.” So you kept trying that one, because you thought it’d be super cool to have a seeing-eye dog.
 
Those were the days! Boys would be boys, will be boys. They rule. They’re cool. Too cool for school. Question that, you’re a fool.
 
Those were the days. Machismo was in full fruition. 
 
As if!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy, # 325 - 332! Occult in Nature Love?

My track record with men is fairly lousy, so I'm hoping George sticks around. He's a good one. Plus I prefer not to plunge into the dating swamps again. That water's grotesquely muddy, unnervingly confusing, and outright horrifying. To follow are reasons #325 through 332 for a smart single gal to choose celibacy - lifted from actual dating ads. [Note: You might think that these ad blurbs don't adequately represent the modern day pool of eligible bachelors. I agree. In person, it's even worse.]~~~~~Be well, my friends. Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.~~~~~~


REASON #325: I can lie to thy people but u can't lie To my self
I can’t lie to your self? Thy watch me: You’re clearly a keeper!

REASON #326: Careing. Compationet. Lovering. Working on. Being a maneger
I’m not sure about the other stuff, but you might be able to get a Maneger gig when Christmas rolls around.

REASON #327: This is me, is that you?
No. This is me, is that you?

REASON #328: looking for red lipstick & hiking boots
Have you checked Justin Bieber’s dresser, Lady Gaga’s eggshell, or the Boot Barn at 4th and Main?

REASON #329: *Dud(e)’s name here* a send of humor nit. Good speller used to lol to read alot I don't know look for things that are occult in nature love life  My head hurts, sweetie. “Used to lol to read a lot…occult in nature…?” You’re one of those Scientologists. Aren’t you?

REASON #330: im looking for someone to spintime with
Oh hon, Zumba or power-walking, maybe, but spintime’s a bit over-the-top for me.

REASON #331: Everyone Deserves to be Treated Righ!
You mean like with Jewish New York style pumpernickel, given time to rise? Or with generous doses of sarcasm? Oh, you mean “right”! But what about lefties or the ambidextrous or the Free loving, Free Bird, Dead Head throwbacks from the 70’s? Equal righs for all, I say!

REASON #332: I like holding hands and candles.
Hint: If you like her, do not use the same hand to hold hers as you do the lit candle.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Starring you, Happy HallBark Day!

Due to fiscal angst (I know I'm in great company.) and other stuff, I hadn't gotten it together to do an Anti-Valentine's Giveaway this year. Lo and behold, I have the most fun-loving, playful followers. This, I already knew. But what I didn't know is that you'd play anyway. So in response to the dog pictured below and in my last post, DC grabbed the bone and ran with a HallBark theme. One after another, you joined this doggie relay. 

With mine, we now have eight cards for our HallBark greeting card line! We'll split the profits eight ways. [What's $1 divided by 8?] Anyway, we're off to a powerful start as we take down Hallmark, one lowly mutt at a timeTo follow are more reasons why I love my followers. Feel free to add your own HallBark card greeting. We'll stretch that dollar! Woohoo!



Yeah, I'm a pug. With a cute mug.
Smiles in place.  You see my face?
I love you flea-girl. You is my whole world.
And when it gets dark,
You'll feel my Hallbark!

arf-it, arf-it good...
lol the evil eye sure comes from that poor guy. That or he is ready to gift to all and is going to leave a gift in the hall. Hint, it isn't chocolate.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can lick my own balls
So I don't need you
There once was an old dog named Mitch
Who said to an attractive young bitch,
"If I stick my nose, where the sun never goes
Would you please scratch where I itch?"

-Hallbark

I love you when you bark, when you play fetch at the park
I love you curled in my lap...But get off my leg with that crap!

This should be the last time I use this old Windows X-Pire Groan Edition
It put me into submission
Soon you will see more of me
Penny loves that dawg should do a blog
Thanks for the prose. It's great you knows.
Hugs n'stuff, and an extra ruff
From Gary and Penny! :) x
Get me out of this strait jacket,
This V-Day's quite a racket.
I can't run and play,
What will the other mutts say?
They'd simply gang up to attack it. 

Happy, sweet HALLBARK DAY! 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Down with Hallmark, Up with Hallbark!


I'm sorry I didn't get it together to do an anti-Valentine's contest this year. I just...didn't. Instead, I'm posting an oldie. The photo prompt is thanks to Jenny Matlock, Saturday Centus guru. Within 50 words, we were to create a Hallmark-ish Valentine's greeting. Mine follows. Ultimately, I aimed --and still aim-- to bring Hallmark down, one lowly mutt at a time, and replace it with a line of Hallbark cards. So far, years later, I still have only one "poetic" greeting:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Hallbark Creation

I’m a sad lowly mutt from Pom Beaitch

With a fetish for dressing in kitsch

They say “Dawg, your singing is pitch!”

Yo, I ain’t no looker, and I ain’t rich

But I really want you for my...

Valentine.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Valentine's Erotica! and Love for Melissa

For so many reasons, I hate Valentine's Day. Even though I currently have a sweet beau, my V-Day venom broils over. For one, the world would be much better off if self-worth was the standard, versus dependence on some prince/princess to bring happiness, status, red roses, and crappy non-fair trade chocolate packaged in huge heart-shaped containers making it appear as though you'll be set through menopause--when, upon opening it, you need a microscope to decipher a few lousy shards of cocoa...I'll quit now. 

Buy your chocolate before prices sky-rocket, or wait for the after-V. Day sales.

I love you, my dear sillies, and I hope you liked this poem.

Much love to my sister-bloggy friend, Melissa Bradley. Her heart's huge; her sassy wit, remarkable; and Melissa writes the hottest erotica I've ever read. Please send healing thoughts her way. If it's your practice, prayers are requested. She's dealing with beastly news. We love you, Melly. We're cheering you on. You got this!

Take care of you, every one of you.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Interview with Jennifer Lopez: IWSG

 



Welcome to February's gathering of the IWSG. As you know, it's thanks to the incomparable Alex J. Cavanaugh that scores of us gather to admit to insecurities and lend encouragement.  I strive for laughter, because that's what the world needs most. I mean, we need love too and yada yada blah blah blah, but laughter's free (it requires no investment) and easily accessible. I attempt to evoke this by mocking the rich and famous.

Today, we have a hot and sexy singer, dancer, producer, actress and Latina role model extraordinaire. Let's give a big warm welcome to Miss Jennifer Lopez!
                                                
A studio full of young males (all of Jennifer's exes) toss their briefs, boxers, and Underoos onto the stage, as Jennifer enters the spotlight, wearing Jennifer Lopez earrings and a Jennifer Lopez body doily. She smells of strong, girly perfume - no doubt, Jennifer Lopez perfume. 

pink highlights = actual J Lo quotes / milk chocolate brown = Robyn's fake dialogue

Robyn shakes J Lo's hand, and the two are seated.

Robyn: Thanks for visiting us. You're so gorgeous and rich and Wikipedia says you're worth $40 million dollars. Oh to be you for just, I don't know, a quarter of a million. But I'd settle for a twenty.

J Lo: Honey, you've got to love yourself first. You've got to be okay on your own before you can be okay with someone else.
Sweetie, if I had your body, I'd be more than okay on my own loving myself for hours at a time. You know what I mean? Robyn imparts an eye wink. How do you keep your figure? Jenny Craig? Atkins? The Olsen twins' 15 Calories a Week Plan?

J Lo: Are you kidding? J Lo giggles. I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge.

Robyn: What would you use for creamer? Uh, never mind, don't answer that. 

J Lo continues, as if not interrupted, I love to eat everything and you pretty much can -- a little piece of something fattening is not going to kill you. It's when you eat the hole box that it's going to kill you.
Robyn: Yeah, death by cardboard wouldn't be much fun. So you published your first book?

J Lo: Yeah, I did. J Lo glows with pride.

Robyn: Let's see. Robyn pulls an index card out of her pocket. It says here and on Amazon that your book is "Guided by both intimate and electrifying photographs, True Love an honest and revealing personal diary with hard-won lessons and heartfelt recollections and an empowering story of self-reflection, rediscovery, and resilience." 
Robyn appears confused. Let me guess, you wrote this all yourself. Didn't you?
J Lo: Yes, I didn't get any help with it! J Lo continues to glow.

Robyn: I read some reviews, and while, of course, many of your fans love this book, a number of them find it incredibly boring and meaningless. How could someone living such an exciting life write such a boring piece of *bleep*? Robyn looks directly at the camera. All you insecure writers out there, take note that even J Lo's fans see through her lack of writing aptitude. Fame and fortune, and wild sex-appeal don't replace literacy. Robyn turns back to face J Lo. Good for you, sweetie. You wrote a book! What do you have to say to the insecure writers out there?

J Lo: Women should never go without earrings. Passing on them is an opportunity missed.
I judge people by how they smell, not how they look. Robyn's eyebrows shoot up. I'm afraid we're out of time. Robyn jumps off the stage in search of J Lo's latest ex, a 26 year old hottie...to find out if he wants his Underoos back. J Lo scurries out the back door to the parking lot, where Marc Anthony awaits with his valet. 

And that wraps up another edition of the IWSG. Thank you for tuning in!


Monday, February 2, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy, #318 - 324 / Happy February!

Even though George has stuck around for three months now,* I’m continuing my Reasons for Celibacy series. There’s too much good material to use. Plus, I have to hit 500 reasons; I've  much further to go. So below, taken directly from internet dating ads, are reasons number 318 through 324 for a smart, single, straight woman to choose celibacy. 

*Isn't he cute? 
"Do you know who won the Superbowl?" I asked.
"No. Do you want some rice with your shish kabob?" he responded.
Perfect response. (And Yay, Seahawks! I mean, oops. So close.)

I sporadically add to our discourse the fact that Valentine's is coming up. 
"When is Valentine's Day?" he asks, whenever I've slipped it into the conversation.
Seems I've some work to do. There's always work to do. [I still hate Valentine's but George need not know this.]
Alas, on with the show...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REASON #318: Was up
What? It down now? ’Cuz was up, down, unless still up, in which case it wasn’t up, it started up and stay up.

REASON #319: Honesty is it really that hard???? 
Honestly, sweetie, it’s usually not hard enough. I mean, not in my current situation, mind you, it’s plenty hard. But typically it’s limp and flaccid and not hard at all.

REASON #320: Past and present are bondage. Life is only now.
Bondage? I think you’re on the wrong site, babe. Try craigslist.

REASON #321: if you have questions message me
I do have questions:
Is there a finish line to the book writing/editing/publishing process?
Can chocolate be found on other planets?
Does Donald Trump’s hair have its own time-zone?

REASON #322: I'm me that's all I can be don't try and change me if u meet me like me now don't attempt to change me later or I'll put my foot in it ass I prefer not to see you do that with your foot, babe, so yeah, don’t ever change. Stay kool 4ever. Have a fun summer and K.I.T.

REASON #323: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects.......YOU DO NOT........Have my permission to use any of my profiles or pictures in form or forums both current and future. If you have or do, this will be considered a Violation of my privacy. And legal action may be taken.
Um, oops. Cool, here’s a loophole, “in form or forums both current and future.” I already did it. It’s in the past. Phew!

REASON #324: i I love to have fun.generous,kind,funny,sharp,greatful,and romantic.PLEASE IF U ARE A PERMISCUOUSE PERSON JUST BE URSELF AND SAY SO.I MEEN EVERYTHING COMES OUT IN THE WASH"even if u gotta use oxyclean"!Im not judgmental at all.but I hate being lied to.I DONT WANNA THINK UR MISS CLEAVER AND HAPPEN TO BE A PALISTINIAN HOOKER FROM THE GAAZA STRIP CLUB AFTER THE FACT.just come as u are as u were as I want you to be.(like Nirvana)I'm a cool guy and very mature so I don't usually date people under 45.just be urself because u can't always play someone else.including ME.this isn't Hollywood and I'm not stupid.
I’m at a loss. I meen, “Tide works just fine!”

Have a good week, and Happy February, my sillies!