And I Wrote This Book.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Arnold Schwarzenegger Visits Our Studio: IWSG


I'm zapped, and I've so much to update you on. But it's time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, founded by our Alex. The idea is a good, kindhearted one. We're here to support each other and discuss writer insecurities.

Laughter (at mean, stupid, filthy rich, and arrogant people's expense) is the answer for most all of life's problems, so I invited one of the biggest *bleep*s around. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold strolls proudly onto the stage wearing a white collar shirt, red tie, and business jacket, in combination with a bright blue Speedo. Stagehand Macaulay Culkin blasts the song "You're so vain." Martha Stewart suddenly appears, winks at Arnold, slowly unbuttons the top of her pastel pink cotton shirt, then disappears. Arnold gives Martha a thumb's-up. The camera shifts to the audience of one. She's sticking her tongue out. Then she sticks out what appears to be a boney, naked butt, and then her longest finger. "You were supposed to be my *bleep*n father-in-law!" she shouts. Arnold's unaffected by Miley's presence.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Picture 80 www.showbiz.com
He looks around but can't see Robyn. She's 4'8" and he's a big *bleep,* so he addresses the audience. But there's no audience now (Miley ran out to chase after her ex-fiance, Liam Hemsworth). Arnie doesn't seem to realize nobody's listening. He spews a bunch of actual quotes (www,brainyquote.com):


I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
You have to remember something. Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn.
Marijuana...that's not a drug, that's a plant.
I was going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Martha Stewart bursts through the curtains and back onto the stage, imparting a "Come hither and check out my nether regions" expression. Arnold sees her, then turns towards the (non) audience. "I'll be back," he announces, as he follows Martha off-stage and into her dressing room. 

Just when you thought the weirdness was over, it started back up again. I'm very sorry, but it's Arnie's fault this time. And Martha's - as usual. Plus Macaulay tossed in his typical worthlessness. Oy vey, they keep coming back.

Have a good one.
Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.  

50 comments:

  1. So it seems there's talk of a new Arnie-Stewie film, based on (re) visionary Beauty and the Beast.
    They're calling it The Beasts Are Two Hacks

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    Replies
    1. Haha, you are SO CLEVER, Jacq. That would be the world's worst movie.

      Delete
  2. A threesome made in heaven. So long as they don't reproduce...

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    Replies
    1. Somehow that threesome makes sense, right? They need their own planet...very far from earth.

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  3. I have to say that I liked him in Twins and the Terminator franchise, and overall I thought he did so-so as the Governator. But that whole thing with getting the maid pregnant while Maria was also pregnant....made me pretty sick. And it sounds like his son is turning out to be a dog just like his father.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly, JoJo. He's likely very proud of his son. He raised another stupid womanizer.

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  4. 'I'll be baaaack," hahaha, his most famous line ever. :)

    Have a great Wednesday, Robyn! :)

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    Replies
    1. I got a Martha Stewart email this morning and it made me want to come visit. ha! :)

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  5. Martha's always to be blamed. :P
    This guy is a legend, huh?

    Have a choco-wonderful day!

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  6. Poor Stagehand Macaulay Culkin. He can't even make it to stage manager? Who does a guy have to trick with tar and a flamethrower and concussive paint buckets suspended above stairs by a rope in order to move up in the world and get some respect!?!
    Also, I hope those aren't real quotes. They certainly read like they could be real, which is sad, not just for Ahhhhnold but for the state of California.

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    Replies
    1. YES. ACTUAL QUOTES. And thus explains the state of the state of California.

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  7. Did he really say those things?
    And I don't want to know what is going on backstage with him and Martha.

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    Replies
    1. Yep. He said them and a lot more hogwash.

      I don't either, Alex. I need earplugs. Eww.

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  8. lol will Martha finally be terminated?

    Are those actual quotes? One has to be a moron to say those

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    Replies
    1. Good question, Pat. Fingers crossed.
      Yes, actual quotes. He's a big *bleep*n moron.

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  9. Like the above comment, maybe Martha will finally terminated. I hate that she thinks she's a queen, and oh...used to like What's his name.

    Sandy at Bridge and Beyond

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    Replies
    1. I'm liberal and never agreed with his politics, but he could've been alright in my book - with Maria's influence - until the big house-destroying scandal broke.

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  10. Actual quote? And California elected him governor? Might say more about their voters than him.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, actual. Yes, we're pretty messed up over here. In my defense: I did not vote for Arnie.

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  11. That's quite a gaggle of celebs you have there. I agree with Arnie, though, Marijuana is a plant.

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  12. The Governator! You did well to pair him with Martha Stewart, Robyn. She is one woman who won't mind him fondling her adornments! Do you remember Arnie saying "There's no fire without smoke" during an election campaign? I think he was confessing to something.

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  13. hasta la vista baby. Arnold will always be back. Great Wed post. oy vey indeed

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  14. Martha slut will be disappointed since his steroid use has made him a little on the short side. Those quotes are...very....sad. We forget that just because he has money on his big arms and muscles does not mean his brain is bigger than a peanut.

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    Replies
    1. And we can imagine what this says about the actual size of his 'member.'

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  15. It's sad that he actually said those things. Maybe the steroids have damaged his common sense? Or, maybe when he hit ten million he just stopped caring about anyone but him?

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  16. "Laughter (at mean, stupid, filthy rich, and arrogant people's expense) is the answer for most all of life's problems" ... that's mean and funny. When I first started my blog I was doing all this parody stuff of Bush II and his sidekicks, but it old after a while.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I've had Bush II on my show too. I invited him back, but he went to Hershey's Penn instead. Not the sharpest tack, that man.

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  17. Those three getting together makes me cringe.

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  18. I have to confess something. I actually have an autographed copy of Ahnold's first book, "The Making of a Bodybuilder." It was a Christmas present from my best bud back in the mid 70's. I hope you will still let me comment now and then.

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    Replies
    1. You'll be back, Jono. I'd miss you if you didn't return. Way back, he seemed a decent role model.

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  19. Those steroids must've fried his brain.

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  20. I said it before and I'll say it again- too much weight on Martha for Arnie. I bet he just wanted to check out her maid.

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  21. ["Arnold strolls proudly onto the stage wearing a white collar shirt, red tie, and business jacket, in combination with a bright blue Speedo."]

    Jack LaLane just rolled over in his grave, Wait - is he dead yet? Is Arnold?

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  22. Hahaha...Loved this! And all the comments are hilarious!

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  23. Howdy...still visiting, trying to keep the momentum going.

    Sandy at Bridge and Beyond Announcing a Contest

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  24. I'm cracking up. These quotes are too funny. Have a lovely weekend.

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  25. You meet the most interesting people, Robyn. :D Hahaha!

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  26. I cant believe those quotes. Are they real? Oy vey indeed! Staggering.
    Very funny but also frightening. What legislature did he pass as Gov? And he's about to reappear as the Terminator haha.. wtf...I didnt know they made robots with wrinkles lol

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    1. I remembered that he campaigned about doing all sorts of lottery weirdness to balance the state budget. Yeah, that worked. What a freakin idiot and freak. Haha.

      PS Yes, those quotes are real.

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    2. "remember"...I remember too when I didn't make so many typos. Nah, that's not true. I have no recollection of those days. =)

      Happy weekend, all! xo

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  27. I'm glad the sport coat and speedo look is back in. I think Ahnold stole it from Danny DeVito!

    Julie

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  28. I don't know, you almost have to give the guy credit. He made a career of being a musclebound, barely intelligible idiot and yet managed to get elected the governor of California. How exactly did that happen?

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  29. Arnie is right on the money. The wife and I got gay married 4 years ago and have never been happier. I just hope we don't have to go through a gay divorce.

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  30. It was hard to get past the "boney, naked butt" part.
    And not the good kind of "hard," either.

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  31. Nice Miley reference. And here I thought we'd seen the last of Martha. I guess she didn't sufficiently embarrass herself. Hopefully this will be the last... ;)

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