Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Arnold Schwarzenegger Visits Our Studio: IWSG
I'm zapped, and I've so much to update you on. But it's time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, founded by our Alex. The idea is a good, kindhearted one. We're here to support each other and discuss writer insecurities.
Laughter (at mean, stupid, filthy rich, and arrogant people's expense) is the answer for most all of life's problems, so I invited one of the biggest *bleep*s around. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold strolls proudly onto the stage wearing a white collar shirt, red tie, and business jacket, in combination with a bright blue Speedo. Stagehand Macaulay Culkin blasts the song "You're so vain." Martha Stewart suddenly appears, winks at Arnold, slowly unbuttons the top of her pastel pink cotton shirt, then disappears. Arnold gives Martha a thumb's-up. The camera shifts to the audience of one. She's sticking her tongue out. Then she sticks out what appears to be a boney, naked butt, and then her longest finger. "You were supposed to be my *bleep*n father-in-law!" she shouts. Arnold's unaffected by Miley's presence.
He looks around but can't see Robyn. She's 4'8" and he's a big *bleep,* so he addresses the audience. But there's no audience now (Miley ran out to chase after her ex-fiance, Liam Hemsworth). Arnie doesn't seem to realize nobody's listening. He spews a bunch of actual quotes (www,brainyquote.com):
I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
You have to remember something. Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn.
Marijuana...that's not a drug, that's a plant.
I was going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Martha Stewart bursts through the curtains and back onto the stage, imparting a "Come hither and check out my nether regions" expression. Arnold sees her, then turns towards the (non) audience. "I'll be back," he announces, as he follows Martha off-stage and into her dressing room.
Just when you thought the weirdness was over, it started back up again. I'm very sorry, but it's Arnie's fault this time. And Martha's - as usual. Plus Macaulay tossed in his typical worthlessness. Oy vey, they keep coming back.
Have a good one.
Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.