Monday, December 30, 2013

This Year's Top 20 Best of the Worst Pick-Up Lines from Internet Dating Ads

We're closing 2013 with this year's 20 best of the worst pick-up lines from internet dating ads. This post is strictly non-fictional. Our cast and crew shortened, but didn't alter, these ads. We simply ordered them from the best of the worst of the the worst to the worst of the best of the worst -- generally, though we don't know what that means. At any rate, please laugh, enjoy, and have a safe and love-filled New Year's. [Note that "love-filled" is often most wisely accomplished Solo - as in (1) alone or (2) not Chewy.]
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1) love Star Wars and met Chewy in the Woods once during a family vacation.
And then what, sweetie? Did he show you his lightsaber? Reveal that he’s your father? Teach you how to Dougie?

2) some of y'all are more stuck up than tampons
Oh yeah? Well some of y’all are more dense than a Tolsty trilogy.

3) i plan to work as a penetration tester for a career.
Don’t all men?

4) trust me, I'm a lawyer
That’s like saying, “Respect me, I’m Anthony Weiner.”

5) Single as a Pringle
Judging from your photo, you’re Macho as a Nacho. Might you also be Free-to Lay, like right away?
6) I know. i should have used spell chick 
Spell chick? Vanna White? I don’t think you’d be the first to use her.

7) I can only say im a hard worker, that want a life long patter. 
A patter for your whole life? I might suggest moving into an airport security check-point.

8) I lick the outdoors.
Caution: Beware of cactus plants, porcupines, and yellow snow.

9) short hairy men make better lovers  
According to your photo, babe, you are bald. Just thought you should know. (Hint: This may be why your bed is cold.)

10) lets play hide the sausage
You mean, because small things are hard to find?

11) You've slept with worse???? (Message for pic)    
Without your photo, I can’t say for sure, though I probably have.*Hanging head low in shame.*

12) Real eyes realize real lies! 
Initially, I found your wordplay rather clever. Now I’m just confused.  

13) LIVE LIFE LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST 
Do you know something that I don’t?

14) I'm not here to impress any of you mother****ers.  
Job well done!

15) need a dumb womin         
I can't argue with that. 

16) Anyone have a extra slinky, mine is in the shop!! 
No, but the last one I played with was too flaccid. Same problem?

17) Marry Christmas! 
 Dude, I don’t like it that much. I’m Jewish. I don’t even eat ham.

18) I am me and no one else.
Be glad you’re not me, honey, because if you were, you’d be running away from yourself.

19) I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet. 
Not true. We won't be meeting.

20) I'll know you're it when I fund you!! Fund me, babe, and I’ll know you’re it!!

Friday, December 27, 2013

Top 20 Funniest Comments of 2013: Starring YOU!

The cast and crew of Life by Chocolate gathered to vote on your funniest comments of the year. When I asked Macaulay Culkin (he needed the work) to sort through over 17,000 comments to determine his top picks, he said something I can't pronounce or spell. Then he disappeared to catch burglars or tweak or something. Thus it was all up to me. That said, it's Macaulay's fault if you aren't featured below.

Truth be told, I didn't actually read through over 17,000 comments, so I likely missed yours. I did capture some gems, though. In fact, I wasn't able to narrow it down to 10, as I originally intended. Instead, I've listed 20, in no particular order.

Thank you all for your supportive, silly, caring, and hilarious words. You help make Life by Chocolate the sweet and spunky place it's been for nearly five years.

Love and all good things as a new year approaches. Keep a smile and a stash of fair-trade chocolate.
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1) Melissa Bradley said...I'll bet short hairy bald man would be the first to say "No Fat Chicks."

2) Empty Nest Insider said...Forget the million dollar man, but the rest seem better than roadkill.

3) Julie Luek said...Ummm... enjoy your banana?

4) Alex J. Cavanaugh said...If he met Chewy during a family reunion, that's a giveaway that the man probably goes through razors like there's no tomorrow.

5) Melissa Bradley said...He met Chewy in the woods?!! It's Chewie as any Star Wars fan knows. If he can't get that right, why bother dating him? I mean he should know that Chewy is an adjective not a Wookie.

6) A Beer For The Shower said...I won't go NEAR anyone that has an anus. That's just gross. I mean, have a little dignity, please.

7) Gorilla Bananas said..."Make Feel Some Type Of Way" definitely has potential as a song lyric. Maybe a duet involving Pee Wee Herman and Kermit the Frog.

8) Al Penwasser said One peacock to another: "What do you mean, size matters?"

9) Alex J. Cavanaugh said...She tied him up? Literally? And that was a problem?


10) Theresa said...You certainly don't want to get stuck with someone who can't stand to be tied up every now and again, eh? Where's the adventure in that!?

11) Debra She Who Seeks said...Poor Rudolf. It happens to all males eventually.
Delete

12) Debra She Who Seeks said...Maybe he should try "Fly-agra"?

13) L. Diane Wolfe said...It's always sad when a reindeer can't glow it up.


*    14)Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said Beef jerky mixed with chocolate? I love science.
*       
15) klahanie said…You would go to Fartasy Island and some little dude would call out, "The Pain! The Pain!"

16) LD Masterson said… Are those performance enhancing pills covered by Obamacare?

17) M.L. Swift said That pushy little bitch.

18) Stephen Hayes said He might make a great lay but I wouldn't get emotionally involved.

19) My Journey With Candida said You WILL get sand in your crack and anywhere else it can go.

20) Momma Fargo said...Sand Up The Crack is not fun. Always be on top. You will have exfoliated knees. I can't believe I just typed that. And I can't believe I'm going to publish this comment.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

50 States of Pray



I'm one of four Californians participating in Mark Koopmans' bloghop, 50 States of Pray. If you don't already know this, Mr. Koopmans is a warm and friendly resident of Hawaii. So I call him "Mr. Roarke." (Fantasy Island reference.) Mr. Roarke's bloghop offers a beautiful way to mark Xmas Eve in blogland, and I'm lending my Jewish voice.

Judaism emphasizes a concept called "Tikkun Olam" (pronounced tea-koon oh-lomm). This means a healed world. We not only pray for this, but each of us is obligated do our part to bring about peace on earth. 

Love and blessings for a very Merry Xmas (as relevant) and holiday season.
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Together: A Prayer for the World
 
Blessings for healing
Of body and mind
Freedom from hurdles 
That stall and confine

The urge to laugh
A surge of will
To savor breath 
in moments still

May bursts of hope
Feed hardened souls
And broken bits
Grow into wholes

Violence quelled by rising care
A shift towards what's just and fair

May dreams be held and given birth
That none shall doubt their precious worth.

May love pervade
All life, renew
Wounds be sealed
and scars be few.

The world so huge
My role so small


Together, may we do it all.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Seasonal Hypocrisy



I'm not feeling particularly cheery this holiday season. I'm not depressed either, just in a somber, existential kinda place. Thus, the deep darkness to follow. Sorry if you dropped by for cheer. I'll bring it back real soon.
moon over Chico, 12.13
'Tis the season
Gone all reason.

Hastened waste through untamed giving
Homeless thrown in jail for living.

Chestnuts roasting
Champagne toasting
Filthy rich, effusive coasting.
 
Selfishness seems never-ending.
Blindness of a world pretending.

Silent night, Holy night.
All is calm. All is bright.

Kids brutalized.
Tuned-out their cries.

Jingle bell time and
Jingle bell rhyme.

Cancer strikes
With shameless might.
 
A beautiful sight
So happy tonight.
 

Rape the poor.
Scold the old.
Contagious hatred.
Violence bold.

Betwixt the refuge
Love is glistening.

Sleigh bells ring,
but
Are you listening?

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy #277-285 and MARRY CHRISTMAS!

It's been a long dry spell, lasting through most of 2013. I've expelled more reasons for this below. As always, the ads (in bold) are lifted from men's actual attempts to attract women on-line.

Enjoy, and keep a smile.
We're almost through the holiday madness. Right?

REASON #277:
Well well well what have we here?
Another question it's That I feared
I have no hobbies. What are goals?
I raked all my woman over the coals
It wasn't something that I'd planned
They had it coming you ladies understand?
Messing around don't get mad

Well, aren’t you funny?
Quite the card.
I bet your man-card’s big and hard.
Don’t mind my rhyme; it’s on-the-spot.
And big, hard man-cards make me hot.
Don’t take it out, though
You can’t come in.
Your card’s expired.
My patience thin.
I’m going now, but don’t feel bad.
I prefer men who can rhyme with “mad.”

REASON #278:
Marry Christmas! 
Dude, I don’t like it that much.. I’m Jewish. I don’t even eat ham.

 REASON #279:
Ok I'm here now, what're yout next 2 wishes?  
 1) A nice luscious piece of chocolate cheesecake for me.
        2) Hooked on Phonics for you.
     
      REASON #280:
      Time is non-existent
      In that case, I have loads of time for you, Einstein.

REASON #281:
LIVE LIFE LIKE IT WAS YOUR LAST 
Do you know something that I don’t?

REASON #282:
Looking for a european super model:) 
Have you checked out the Lamborghini dealer on the north side of town?

REASON #283:
Things that go clunk in the night.
Hint, honey: That might be the reason your women never spend the night.

Oh, the irony in these two, REASONS #284-285:
Headline: Live in the now    
Bio: I'll do this later...

Headline: Not ready to commit to an essay at this time
Looking for: Actively seeking a relationship