And I Wrote This Book.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy, #268-276: Single as a Pringle

Few activities are as perplexing as sorting through today's "eligible" bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: justifiable reasons why I (or any single, straight woman) would choose celibacy.  Please be entertained.

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REASON #268:  Single as a Pringle 
Judging from your photo, you’re Macho as a Nacho.
Might you also be Free-to Lay tonight?

REASON #269: The one word that was not on the personality list that suits me is - Renaissance, or versatile, or flexible.  
The one response I have that suits you is this-
 (1) You spell good, but
         (2) A woman wants a man who knows the difference between 1 and 3.  (Hint: It’s 2.)

REASON #270: I GOT THE INTERNET GOING NUTS! & IM A VIRGIN 
Interesting. Your bio says you were in a 10 year relationship. Does he/she know about this?

REASON #271: I am me and no one else... 
Be glad you’re not me, honey, because if you were, you’d be running away from yourself.

REASON #272: Sunglasses indoors. Is that not cool?
Yes. It is not cool.

REASON #273: Searching for a woman with low standards     
 I have blue eyes and a big nose, gsoh and very honest.
She might just be right under your nose, by gsoh. You just can’t see her. Try stepping back, hold your gaze, and move your head from side to side. If that doesn’t work after 18 hours, snort out a ginormous booger and give up.

REASON #274: A real lady who is seen and not heard
Hm, can you see the finger I’m silently flashing while mouthing the statement: “You’re a misogynistic pig, you f*kn bastard!”?

REASON #275: DISCLAIMER: No cats, dogs, goldfish, chickens, insects, bacteria, minerals, illegal aliens or vegetables were harmed, maimed, mistreated or tickled in the making of this profile
What do you think of, say, a woman who has a strong affinity for cucumbers and bananas (typically, one at a time)? Just wondering.

REASON #276:  I've come to the interruptation that finding a girlfriend off this website is unrealistic.
Public interruptation is not advisable for those who wish to find a girlfriend in this lifetime on the Internet or in this universe.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Chocolate Bacon Bar! The Latest in Chocolate

Mos' Milk Chocolate Bar with hickory smoked bacon Vosges Haut Chocolate 




I found this scrumptious dark thing at Raley's/Nob Hill Foods. It cost $5 - about the same price as a cup of coffee at Starbuck's. It's worth it (the chocolate, not the coffee).

Katrina, creator of this delicacy, states, "Breathe...Engage your 5 senses, close your eyes and inhale deeply...Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar the release the aromas...flirting with deep milk chocolate...let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue." Who needs soft porn, when you can read the backs of chocolate bacon bars?!

The flavors blend nicely in this mixture of sweet cocoa and smokey salty bacon. I was a tad disappointed, though, that it was skinny. Something so caloric should not be slender, but I guess it wouldn't have fit into the box if it were fatter.  And I guess I just want more!

Next time, though, I'll get the dark chocolate version. That one's more intense and even yummier - though I generally prefer milk chocolate. [I'm pretty sure Byron of ABFtS agrees that the dark chocolate one's amazing. He won it in a contest I hosted months ago.]

All in all, I'm happily sated. I give this special treat an 8.

Ever tried the bacon chocolate combo?

What do you think?

 Have a sweet Friday and weekend!


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Woman on The Verge of The Monster Bus, A Combination Post

First, welcome to Chico, CA for Sundays in My City, hosted by the ever-gracious UnknownMami. Visit her site here to visit the wonderful world of bloggers' hometowns.

The Monster School Bus stopped in Chico recently. It tours the country to raise money for charitable causes. The concept: You pay. You go for a ride. You support diabetes research and treatment, or other worthy efforts. It was fun and funny to watch.

You can view it here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8Sxyb4AYjk

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Second, please enjoy a snippet of the novel I'm working on, Woman on the Verge of Paradise. This scene takes us back to Oakland in the early 1990s. I'd broken off a short-lived spark with my nextdoor neighbor (a weird kisser, which caused me to question his other sexual habits), Noah. I'm in my apartment and I overhear some conversation just outside my door.
~~~~
“You’re the only neighbor I’ve met.” I recognized the voice; it was the woman next door. “I’ve seen that lady around but never talked to her. Do you know her?”           
            “Yeah, that’s Robyn,” Noah replied.
            Wow. They’re actually discussing me, just inches from my door. Do you people not know how thin these walls are?  Girlfriend, you haven’t a clue what I did for you! And you sir, don’t, don’t, just don’t get me started!    
            “She’s a sweet person unless you cross her,” he added. “But I didn’t do anything. We dated a little and I was honest about my situation. Now she treats me like an enemy.”
            “Mm mm, I know what you mean. My boyfriend’s like that too sometimes. He’s kinda got a short fuse but we’re cool. He’s a great guy. You met him?”
            “No. Sometime, though.” I envisioned Noah digging into his pocket for his keys. “Well, I’ll see you later.”
            “B, bye.”
            The doors to my right and left closed in unison.
            Sweet unless you cross me? I turned my head towards the closet, his place. In a cold controlled tone, I informed, “I’m always sweet, you f*kin* bastard necrophiliac!”
*Actual novel will be gloriously free of asterisks.
~~~
Thanks for stopping by. 
I hope you have a great week!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Taking the World by Storm! Byron Does Match.Com

After I read CassaStar, I confessed to Alex, author of this awesome sci-fi trilogy, that I had a crush on Byron. A protective, caring friend, Alex warned me that Byron isn't good relationship material. This got me thinking...What would Byron's personal ad look like had he joined match.com before meeting Athee? Something like this, perhaps?
 
Help launch my unit!  
Male Cassan in Search of Alien Female of any cellestrial body. 
For: partnership in the trillion-mile high club. Likes: Touching down on unknown regions, Milky Way bars, and Twilight Forever: The Complete Saga.  
Pet-peeves: Eye contact, bean sprouts, Candy Crush, and Martha Stewart Living. Hobbies: Teleportation, aggravation, exploration, and mastur - I mean, mastering the art of navigation.
    I'm equally comfortable in a formal Oscar De Grouch spacesuit or Fruit of Doom briefs that accentuate my asteroids. Join me in long walks along the galaxies, extra-terrestrial exorcisms, and out-of-this-world penetration. Text me; I'm not on Facebook.
                                                      ----
This is the first and only sci-fi I've read. I LOVED CassaStar and CassaFire. CassaStorm was released yesterday! CONGRATULATIONS, ALEX! I can't wait to read it, though I'm still a tad jealous of Athee.
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Comment on Alex’s blog this week for a chance to win a Cassa mug, mousepad, magnet, and swag!
 CassaStorm

By Alex J Cavanaugh


From the Amazon Best Selling Series!


A storm gathers across the galaxy…

Commanding the Cassan base on Tgren, Byron thought he’d put the days of battle behind him. As a galaxy-wide war encroaches upon the desert planet, Byron’s ideal life is threatened and he’s caught between the Tgrens and the Cassans.

After enemy ships attack the desert planet, Byron discovers another battle within his own family. The declaration of war between all ten races triggers nightmares in his son, threatening to destroy the boy’s mind.

Meanwhile the ancient alien ship is transmitting a code that might signal the end of all life in the galaxy. And the mysterious probe that almost destroyed Tgren twenty years ago could return. As his world begins to crumble, Byron suspects a connection. The storm is about to break, and Byron is caught in the middle…

“With a talent for worldbuilding and a compelling cast of characters, Alex J. Cavanaugh combines high powered space battles and the challenges of family dynamics to provide readers a space opera with heart.”
- Elizabeth S. Craig, author of the Southern Quilting and Myrtle Clover mysteries

“I thought the revelation was going to be one thing and I was completely wrong … CassaStorm pushes the limits…”
- Tyson Mauermann, Speculative Reviews

“…mesmerizing story of survival, personal sacrifice, tolerance, and compassion. It’s a rare jewel that successfully utilizes both character and plot to tell a story of such immense scope and intimate passion…” - Nancy S. Thompson, author of The Mistaken

Find CassaStorm:


 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sundays in My City, Signs of Fall

Welcome back to Chico, CA, for Sundays in My City, hosted by the fabulous Unknown Mami. Visit her site to take a fascinating tour of bloggers' hometowns.
 
Juicy grapes (above) and vibrant blueberries (below) - or so I assumed and thus ate both.
But JoJo has informed me that these (below) are poisonous....OOPS!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy, #259 - 267: Men ISO Sweat Patters!

Few activities are as perplexing as sorting through today's "eligible" bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: justifiable reasons why I (or any single, straight woman) would choose celibacy.  Please be entertained.
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REASON #259: Someone sweat 
That’s an interesting fetish. Have you tried a co-ed sauna, sweat-lodge in the Sahara, or  women’s sumo wrestling competition?

REASON #260: whats the opposite of opposite??? ;)  
You don’t know this, so you’re asking on a dating site? Sweetie, it’s the same as same. Now, let’s try a new game. Which of these things is not like the others: you and a room full of geniuses?

REASON #261: I'm not here to impress any of you mother****ers. 
Then you’ve done your job, honey.

REASON #262: I can only say im a hard worker, that want a life long patter.
A patter for your whole life? I might suggest moving into an airport security check-point.

REASON #263: I'm the biggest jerk you'll ever meet. 
Not true. We won’t be meeting.

REASON #264: Who wants to hang out? Get some coffee..sex? Jk 
Sure.  Meet me at the Starbuck’s that’s across from another coffee shop and near a fast-food chain. I’ll be there at 8pm tonight. I’ll be naked, and I look like Halle Berry. Jk.

REASON #265: Anyone have a extra slinky, mine is in the shop!! 
No, but the last one I played with was too flaccid. Same problem?

REASON #266: trust me, I'm a lawyer
That’s like saying, “Respect me, I’m Anthony Weiner.”

REASON #267: Make Feel Some Type Of Way
I know, right? And Sense None Have You Yoda Say

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Interview with Ben Affleck: IWSG's 2 Year Anniversary!

First Wed of Every Month 
CELEBRATING TWO YEARS!
THANK YOU, ALEX!

On the first Wednesday of every month, we express our insecurities and offer each other encouragement. Join us, if you haven't jumped aboard. All that's required is an insecurity or two-hundred. 
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 Robyn: Ladies and gentlemen, today, we welcome one of the biggest names in the business. He's a screenwriter, actor, and director with an Oscar to his name, and he's best known for having broken off his engagement to Jennifer Lopez! Let's give a warm welcome to Ben Affleck! 

The camera zooms in on Matt Damon, giving a big "thumbs up" to buddy Ben, and Jennifer Garner, clapping lovingly for her husband. The other 200 audience members fell asleep when Robyn announced today's guest.

Robyn remains seated in her comfy chocolate-colored fabric chair, as Ben strolls in wearing blue sweats, gray Nikes, and a white T-shirt. He approaches the front of the stage, and stops at a wheelchair.  Robyn giggles. I'm sorry, Ben. When I told the stage crew you were doing today's show, they said something about you being too old to play the caped crusader and rolled this out here for you. I think it's funny because, well, you're not THAT old. I mean, you're 41, younger than me. Just more boring. Anyway, have a seat. Ben shrugs and sits in the wheelchair.

Robyn: Thanks for being here.

Ben Affleck: Sure thing, Robin. Trouble ahead, Robin. To the bat cave with me, Robin. He chuckles, amused by himself. Just practicing.

Robyn: Yeah, funny. So there's a great amount of harsh criticism. Even Richard Dreyfuss is upset that you were picked. Nobody's happy, really, except Snooki. I've gotta admit, Ben, I'm not either. My problem with you being chosen to play Batman is that you're boring. 

The cameraman shifts the camera towards the audience. Matt and Jennifer are now asleep. We re-focus on Ben, who appears to be reading a book that he has propped up on his lap. He scratches his head. The camera zooms in on the book's title:"How to Get a Personality When You're an Over-Aged Pretty Frat Boy Who's a Mediocre Actor and - Ok - a Good Director With a Chiseled Chin But No Other Redeeming Traits But You've Been Chosen to Play Batman and Everybody's Mad as Hell About it Except Snooki for Dummies, Part I".

Robyn: So, Ben -

Ben: Yeah, what's up? He tosses the book aside.

Robyn: Today's the second anniversary of the IWSG. I want to talk to you about being multi-dimensional, because you're not. But I'm coming out with some pretty dark stuff about my past and all. I even did an interview for a local radio show today on depression and suicide. It doesn't get more intense. And I'm writing a piece for a local newspaper on that topic too. But I feel  insecure about going so dark, when I want to continue to make people laugh. So, I figured you'd present a good contrast to the multi-dimensional thing.

Ben is now devouring spoonfuls of a pint of ice-cream labeled "Ben and Jenny's Plain Old Boring Vanilla".

Robyn: Well, listen, it's been...um, see ya. Robyn points Ben towards the back exit.

Ben nods, places the ice-cream container between his knees, and wheels himself off the stage.

Robyn yawns. Folks, I just want to say something that you already know. Maybe it's just something I need to remind myself of. It's good to have more than one smidgen of a dimension. Boring is bad. Don't hesitate to write anything and everything that comes out of you, from humor to horror, so long as you don't bore. Human beings are complex entities. At least, all but one of us is. 

If you do pay money to see Ben as Batman, buy some Junior Mints or, if you're Alex, Hot Tamales, to stay awake during his speaking and acting parts.

Thanks for tuning in!
Excuse me while I go home and take a nap now.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Yo-Yos in Chico: Sundays in My City

Welcome to Chico, CA, for Sundays in My City, hosted by the lovely Unknown Mami. Visit her site to tour bloggers' hometowns.

Today, we meet at Bird in Hand, a fun, little gift shop in downtown.
At first sight, it appears to be your everyday gift store. But it's not. Let's walk towards the back.
Look! Chico houses the world's biggest yo-yo museum, complete with...

the world's biggest working wooden yo-yo!
Mind you, I'm a very small person and this is a very big yo-yo. It weighs in at 256 pounds, stands 50 inches high, has a 70 foot string, and actually works.  I tried to walk the dog* with it, but couldn't quite manage. So how do they know it actually works?
In 2004, it was raised and dropped by crane into Chico's downtown plaza. It bounced and rebounded at least 6 times. Wanna watch? The excitement starts at approximately 1:20.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZnmISDHjGQ

*Note: Don't be impressed. I have issues walking a live dog and can't do anything with a yo-yo (nothing you'd wanna watch, at least).

What about you? Do or did you yo-yo?

If so, it's time to practice for the National Yo-Yo Championships in Chico, October 5. Look me up when you get here.

Regardless, have a fun and playful week.

Thanks for visiting.
Cheers!