Saturday, June 29, 2013

Sundays in My City

Unknown Mami

Hello! Welcome to Chico, CA for another edition of Sundays in My City. UnknownMami hosts this wonderful tour of bloggers' hometowns. Visit her site to visit the world.

Chico Plaza, where kids cool off in the funnest of ways.
Photo taken on 6/28, when temps reached 108 degrees Fahrenheit

Adults claim patches of shade. If you look to the right, you'll see a Food Not Bombs* booth.
*A volunteer-run organization that serves free meals to help those in need, and to protest the billions of dollars that our government spends on defense.
I stayed inside a nicely air conditioned house and prepared this feast for my birthday. Help yourselves to leftovers. There's plenty. (Ice-cream's in the freezer, and cold chocolate stout is in the fridge, along with chilled chocolate wine and chocolate soda...Notice a rather predictable party theme?!)

Thanks for stopping by.

Have a peaceful Sunday and new week. Stay cool.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Cinderella's and Prince Charming's Match.com Ads Revealed!


To follow is a snippet from Woman on the Verge of Paradise, due for release sometime, someday.  Enjoy.
 
How would the world’s most perfect couple have described themselves on Match.com, had they not met at the ball? I imagine something like this:

Name:  Cindy Rella

Sex:  Oh no, not until marriage *giggling and blushing*.

Appearance:  They say I’m beautiful - perfect height, weight, figure and feet.

Hobbies:  Talking to birds, playing with mice, sewing, cooking, and cleaning.

Seeking: Male, any age, religion, ethnicity, and employment status. Criminal and substance abuse history - doesn't matter.  Relationship history - doesn’t matter. Kids or no kids - doesn’t matter.
Looks and money a plus.
 
First date preferences: Marriage.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name: Prince Charming

Sex:  Please, frequently and often.

Appearance:  Gorgeous, manly, and extremely handsome.

Hobbies: Waltzing.

Seeking: Beautiful female – perfect height, weight, figure and feet. Nothing else matters.

First date preferences: Family is pressuring me to marry. I kinda just wanna get laid.

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On that note, happy hump day, all. 
Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Last Week's Baby Naming Discourse Between Kim and Kanye

Imagine the brilliant discussion between Kim and Kanye when deciding to name their baby "North West." They really did. I snuck into her hospital suite last week when they stopped a game of Spin the Bottle to discuss what to name their yet unborn girl. It went down like this:



Yo let's go wid Beyonce, best name of all time!

But like I want Kim Kay.
Check it out! It's a rhyme!

B*tch! That would make her initials be KKK 
She'd ruin my image 
Of a chill Black dude. No way!

So like let's flip a coin.
Do you call 'heads' or 'elbow'?

'Heads!' and I flipped it. 
Where'd that f*cker go?

Like I don't see it now. Guess we both lost the bet.
So then we should name her after the state where we met!

Cool. I like sh*t like that!
She'll be our little L.A.

But we met at a NY strip club
When I was on my vacay!

Then North West it is. F*ck ya, it's agreed!

I so seriously like it. 
She'll never get teased.  

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

On Happiness, Philosophizing


                                                                      

How to be Happy in 5 Easy Steps Meme

Almost a month ago, Alex honored me with a Happy Award Meme. Thank you, Alex! The task: List how to be happy in 5 easy steps. I’ve been thinking about, and struggling with, this one. It’s from Alex, though, so I didn't want to ignore it any longer.

Excuse my philosophizing* below. Having been home on med leave post-surgery for the past 4-ish weeks, I've had time to ponder happiness, the meaning of life, and whether newborn baby Kimye’s first words will be, “This is liiike soo seriously unfair, Mommy. They keep liiike trying to take my picture, but you won’t let me like wear mascara yet!” or “Move over, Taylor. Beyonce had the best music video of all time! Of all time! I don’t care what ya’all think, mother f*ckn b*tches!” (We can only hope baby’s nannies will set a better example.)


Back on task, Five Reasons Why I’m Not Going to List 5 Easy Steps to be Happy, Meme-style:

1) What does “meme” mean? I thought it meant “theme,” but that doesn’t really make sense here. I don’t get it and thus can’t do it.

2) Being happy isn’t what it’s all about. If everyone worked solely on inflating their own happiness, the world would continue down a broken path. Strive for relevance, to make a notable contribution, to help others.

3) I’m averse to the “How To” craze. When I started submitting my writing years ago, I hadn’t heard of a query. I sent a one-sentence letter with my work: “Please accept XYZ for publication.” I hadn’t researched submission guidelines or the publishers either. Yet my first two attempts at publication were accepted. I don’t advise being haphazard, but I do advise trusting yourself first and foremost. We tend to give others too much credit for knowing exactly what we’re supposed to do and how we're supposed to do it.  Often, these others aren't more talented than we are, just more confident.

4) There’s nothing easy about being happy. I see it more as fleeting sensation than a permanent mood state. I think it’s much easier for us, the privileged sector of the world –we awake safe and warm, eat full meals, access clean water, etc.—to say that “Everything happens for a reason,” and “Look on the bright side.”  The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It’s both.

5) Alex summed it up beautifully, focusing not so much on happiness but how best to live a meaningful, kindhearted life. I’d just tweak his list a bit, since I don’t have a wife, and I’m Jewish. Like Christianity, though, Judaism emphasizes loving-kindness. It’s our obligation to do whatever we can towards peace on earth.

In sum, strive for relevance. This might lead to happiness, will probably breed contentment, and will definitely contribute to a better world.

                               Have a meaningful day, and keep a smile!

*I thought I made the word up, but it's an actual word (at least, according to spell check).

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Unexplainable, Sundays in My City

Hello! Welcome to Chico, CA for another edition of Sundays in My City. UnknownMami hosts this terrific tour of bloggers' hometowns. Visit her site to visit the world.

As Spring winds down and Summer kicks into gear, some things don't make sense.

Meet Mojo. He's usually more friendly than he appears in this picture. I can't explain why Mojo's ready for Halloween in mid-June. I also can't explain how that pumpkin - which is real - looks fresh as can be. It's been there since last Halloween...kinda creepy...

Next, we see our friend, DuPont. Can you explain his June garb? I'm can't. Sorry.

Alas, some things cannot be fully explained but are simply beautiful. I snapped this a few yards from Mojo. It's the front yard tree where I live.


A wonderful Father's Day, as relevant.

Happy Sunday and new week!

Appreciate the unexplainable. 


Thursday, June 13, 2013

Reasons for Celibacy #240 - 247: Going out for the Kindle!

Few activities are as tiresome as sifting through today's available bachelors. Take, for example, the following fragments of men's Internet dating ads: reasons 240 through 247 for my celibate existence.  As always, I've included italicized commentary. Enjoy!
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REASON #240: I like to salsa dance with my thoughts. I have minor social anxiety but eat bananas. But more importantly, words. In the future I'll be who this was, thinking about who I'd be in the future. Social anxiety and bananas? I’ve always liked bananas in private too. More importantly, in the future I’ll be who this was salsa dancing with a hot man and not your thoughts, thinking about where I’d find a hot man or banana in the future.

REASON #241: Curdiest , knows what they want.   
Are you trying to say you really like cottage cheese?

REASON #242: You can pull and pull but you can't milk a bull!
 I’ve got advice for you, babe: 
       1) Go to store. 
       2) Buy milk. 
       3) Go home. Pour and pour.    4)  Change personal ad headline.

REASON #243: Lets see I love laughing and making others laugh aswell. I'm very self motivated, even tho I could be lazy at times lol. I like to cook its like a inner hobby of mine.
So you’re opposed to an outdoor bbq? What do you do on July 4th?

REASON #244: Bald men need love too ! 
And they deserve it! Bald is sexy…on other men. Good luck to you, sir.

REASON #245: I am up here to network, make friends, and promote my novel (second one coming soon). I have a novel that is currently out for the Kindle and its titled:
"I’m an author who misspelled ‘it’s’ and I am so clever with marketing that I’m using this dating site to promote my wonderful book.  I’m not seeking a relationship or commitment of any kind. I don’t even want sex. I’m sure all you women are perusing these ads in search of a great book to read! Well, look no further! Mine is out for the Kindle now (second one coming soon)!”

REASON #246: Love is 9 cents of chemicals acting on the brain. 
Say what? Someone’s got no sense of chemicals acting on the brain.

REASON #247: I plan to go back to school and get a dreg
A dreg? You mean like the dregs of humanity? The lowest of the low-life? I don’t have a particular school in mind for you, sweetie, though I might suggest a campus in Vegas, Hollywood, or Jersey Shore.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Hemp Milk! The Latest in Chocolate



As Hemp History Week commences, here are a few fun facts about hemp:

  •  In the 1700s, American farmers were required by law to grow hemp in some colonies.
  • The Declaration of Independence was drafted on hemp paper.
  • Abraham Lincoln used hempseed oil in his lamps.
  •  Ford’s Model T was made with hemp fiber, which is ten times stronger than steel.
  •  Hemp produces four times more paper per acre than do trees.
  •  Hemp seeds are rich in vitamins, minerals, all 10 essential amino acids, and good fats.

 ·       Though hemp is closely related to marijuana, its levels of THC are extremely low -- between .01-.03%. According to the experts (e.g., my neighbors in Chico), it takes at least 3% THC to get high. You’d have to smoke an acre’s worth of hemp to get there, but you’d likely die in your efforts, so please don’t try this at home or elsewhere.

I’m celebrating hemp now by drinking Chocolate HEMPMILK.  Note to the Feds who may be lurking at Life by Chocolate for evidence of terrorist or drug activity: this product has no THC.  Note to all: it’s still good stuff. The drink is smooth, creamy and tastes rich in nutrients, but in a good way. I’d liken it to a liquid chocolaty oatmeal cookie. Though it’s high in sugar (22g  per serving), it’s a great source of fiber, protein and good fats (Omega 3s and 6s). I found it at a local Natural Foods store, and it’s distributed by Living Harvest Foods, Inc.

I give Chocolate Hemp Milk a 9 on a 1-10 scale.

A final note: I am not being compensated in any manner for this review, though I wouldn’t object to being compensated in (almost) any manner for this review.

Cheers to chocolate hemp milk and a sweet new week!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Interview with Martha Stewart: IWSG

Alex J. Cavanaugh  founded the IWSG to provide a safe venue for expressing our vulnerabilities and offering each other support. We're posting on the first Wednesday of every month. Please check out Alex’s blog to visit others’ posts. It’s an inspiring, fun group.  Join us, if you haven't already! All that's required is an insecurity or two hundred.
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Robyn: Today, my friends, we'll meet perhaps the most successful domestic diva of all time. She's an expert in the fine art of accessorizing.  Let's give a big round of applause to Martha Stewart! An angry crowd tosses ripe cherry tomatoes, big heads of lettuce, and gloriously long hearty cucumbers at Robyn. She ducks and dodges all but one cucumber, which she successfully nabs and begins to lick.

Martha walks onto the stage in a JC Penny's sky blue cotton shirt, tan capris, and a shiny gold plated ankle-cuff delightfully decorated with a garland of baby's breath. She looks at Robyn, still licking the cucumber. Yes, I like doing that too. Robyn elbows her playfully, as if the girl-talk has begun.

They take their seats in Martha Stewart Living Scruples-Free Chairs.

Robyn: I made sure not to get the Martha Stewart Lounge Chairs that amputate fingers when the legs snap ferociously. You know, the ones that spurred a number of lawsuits years ago, when innocent people lost fingers to those beasts because the chair legs weren't made properly. You continued to sell them anyway.

Martha: I don't know what you're talking about. Nobody was injured by my chairs. Martha opens her purse and takes out a sparkling white, silver trimmed salad bowl. She scurries to pick up tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers from the floor and tosses them into the bowl. Then she sits back down. Now the key to a lovely, fresh salad is in the dressing. I prefer a light vinaigrette. 

Robyn: Say, Martie, does the term "inside trading" ring a bell? See, today's our IWSG meeting. One of my insecurities is how to take life's blows and incorporate them, or not, into my writing. How to navigate the slams, while maintaining a cheery but sincere outlook? Look at you. You served hard time for criminal activity, and you came out stronger!

Martha nods, proudly. Yes, I did.

Robyn: And everyone who's ever worked or lived with you has called you a first class b*tch! You're sued on a regular basis, including a current lawsuit by Macy's. Let's look now at the prison dorms you were forced to endure in 2004. Robyn holds up a picture of Alderson prison's dormitory:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7c/FPC_Alderson.jpg

Robyn: Do you have to be a lying thief to get an all expense paid trip to this place? I don't know if I could do that. I don't even know if I can always be funny.  Life is so hard sometimes. But humor's where it's at, Martha. Don't you agree?

Martha looks confused. Humor? Oh yes, I've heard of it. A good answer to seasonal allergies is, in fact, a standard beige family-friendly humidifier. I relish in decorating mine with a lively pink ribbon. You simply wrap it around the humidifier and, where the ends meet, tie a playful, childlike bow.  It's easy and it's affordable, and it will impress all of your house guests, whether or not they have allergies. She giggles, as if she's being humorous.

Robyn: I think this is a good place to stop. Thank you for visiting with us.

Martha smiles, clenches her salad bowl with one hand, and grabs a cucumber off the floor with the other. She strolls off-stage, licking the cucumber feverishly.